[JJBX]

So, I'm a little frustrated and not sure how to resolve this...

I am in the recovery stage for my PTSD, which is great, but it doesn't mean I'm cured or that I don't still have some lingering weirdness. My relationship with my husband has been great lately. We are expecting our first child in August and we're excited. We get along well (though the bickering happens... What can you do?). We are open with each other and I feel like, for the first time, he really understands me. He's become my most vocal supporter for recovery and it has genuinely helped me continue on this bumpy road to recovery.

The problem is that I can't perform sexually. Clearly, I have at least a few times as evidenced by the baby bump, but it wasn't easy. I get extremely uncomfortable and anxious. It wasn't always like this though. I started having trouble around when we started fighting a lot a few years ago. When we reconciled, that sex drive/trust thing just didn't rebound. My husband doesn't give me a hard time about it, but I can't help but be very frustrated by it. We have talked and talked and talked, but something internally isn't willing to trust anyone.

It's not that I want sex with other people, I don't. If anything, I'm much more repulsed by sex than I have ever been and sex used to be a big part of who I am. I haven't watched porn or masturbated in years. These used to be things I did on a daily basis. It's not like I gradually fell out of the habit, it's that I one day didn't do it and then I never picked it back up. When I look or read anything pornographic, I feel repulsed, even a bit embarrassed, which just feels wrong to me. Even when I start feeling any stimulation, I start to feel repulsed and extremely uncomfortable... Even when I'm ALONE.

I absolutely hate this. My last orgasm was when I was friggin jogging like a year ago. And that wasn't happy fun times, it was a horribly embarrassing experience to me (though again, I was ALONE... No one was even around to witness it). I hate being like this and I'm not sure what to do about it. I would like to be able to peform sexually and it would be awfully nice if I even enjoyed some of it.

[CANDC]

I am sorry to hear you feel frustrated by your current situation.

For me sex is not as important as intimacy. When somebody has yelled at me there is part of me that feels abused. It is almost impossible to be spontaneous and freely express sexuality when one is around someone who may have abused me, even mentally or emotionally in the past. Maybe there is a way around that with therapy.

In the orient, making love was considered a sacred act that should not be rushed into. A woman is different than a man. A man is ready physically in 5 minutes. A woman may take a half hour or longer to be ready psychologically as well as physically. If it does not feel like the time than just don't attempt intimacy. If your husband rushes into sex, then maybe a talk about timing and the woman's need for a long slow build up could make him a more sensitive man.
If you get to a place and maybe want to be closer physically with your husband, then everything should feel natural and without anxiety.
The ancient chinese set aside a whole afternoon or a couple hours when both people are well rested. They listened to quiet music and spent time in a garden becoming at peace in preparation for intimacy. This could be a beautiful room in your home sharing herb tea (alcohol actually is not a good idea because it makes you lose awareness and can interact with meds)
If all this sounds good to you but unacceptable to your husband, perhaps that is another piece missing in the puzzle that needs to be found. Maybe a therapist might help bridge the gap.
If you want more info about the Chinese traditions you could private message me if you wish more info and link to a 3000 year old text that goes into much more detail.

[JJBX]

Originally Posted by CANDC

I am sorry to hear you feel frustrated by your current situation.

For me sex is not as important as intimacy. When somebody has yelled at me there is part of me that feels abused. It is almost impossible to be spontaneous and freely express sexuality when one is around someone who may have abused me, even mentally or emotionally in the past. Maybe there is a way around that with therapy.
...

Thanks for your post. The problem isn't that the buildup is slow or that my husband is impatient, it's that there is NO build up for me. I can't even get there. He doesn't push it because it's been years of this BS and he's not sure what to do either. We do have a close relationship now, but there's still some kind of block on my side that I can't figure out.

[Webgoji]

I would suggest going to the doctor to get a full well-woman check to make sure something isn't going on hormonally. Also consider any meds that you might be taking. Then I would suggest a sex therapist or addressing it more with your regular therapist. Being repulsed and anxious about sex can definitely cause issues for both you and your relationship. Plus you mentioned the PTSD and that can be a mountain to overcome and can definitely kill your libido.