[susancook911]

I met a guy we instantly liked eachother started spending all our time together ,talking all the time he said the i love yous all the time talked about the future. I was usuinv his phone to look something up and a notification for a dating site poppex up i clicked hed been tal no ng to other girls on there. I didn't tell him i saw the site and asked him if hes been cheating or seeing other girls or talkinv to thek. He said no baby i love you you mean the world to me id never do anyfhing to mess that up and a fon other messages like that.my friend made a profile and startex messaging him at the same time he was telling me all that and he was replying to her. He knows my past knows my medical problems and what alls haappened. I dont understand why or how he could do that. Ive never felt such a deep depressing sad overwhelming feelinv of loss stupidity anger hurt confusion and another feeling i cant describe its just empty blank. I feel so stupid i never should of let someone in like thaat its a mistake ill never make again. I dont know what to do i just feel so confused hurt and violated like my trust was stolen.

[susancook911]

Part of me wants to juat run back to him and forget it part of me wants to just break down ball up and cry part of me wants to end his life or mine part of me is just like whatever dont care

[pegasus]

Hello susancook, relationships do need to be built on honesty and trust. Could these dating site messages be old messages from before you met? I would give him the opportunity to explain and if he can't be honest with you, it would not be worth staying with a dishonest person. I'm sorry you have been hurt.

[peaceseeker63]

Originally Posted by susancook911

Part of me wants to juat run back to him and forget it part of me wants to just break down ball up and cry part of me is just like whatever dont care

Don't be too hard on yourself...you didn't do anything but open your heart to someone else. He has the problem, not you. I dated a guy who did the same thing. I think the high they get from chatting with women on line can become an addiction.

I felt similarly to how you feel...like I was a chump for dating this guy and I felt like a fool. But we are not chumps or fools...we just got involved with men who have issues...and who cheat!

I would tell your guy what you found out and see what he says. But be prepared for more lies. At least you know who he is before you got too serious, like getting married.

I am sorry you are going through this....it really hurts

[vital]

Originally Posted by susancook911

Part of me wants to juat run back to him and forget it part of me wants to just break down ball up and cry part of me is just like whatever dont care

I know you're feeling bad, but I can't help but admire that sentence. There really ought to be a name for that feeling or at least an emoticon.

If he's hitting on your friend's profile and lying to you, that seems pretty definitive. At least you found out early and at least you've got at least one true blue friend.

Sometimes I feel embarrassed for my species. Dogs and cats never do s**t like this.

- vital

[susancook911]

Originally Posted by pegasus

Hello susancook, relationships do need to be built on honesty and trust. Could these dating site messages be old messages from before you met? I would give him the opportunity to explain and if he can't be honest with you, it would not be worth staying with a dishonest person. I'm sorry you have been hurt.

No the dates go back before we met to now. I told him i saw them on hos phone and my friend messaged him and he was replying and he said he swears she hasnt been on there and someone else like his cousin must of been on there messing around.

[hannabee]

Oh my! I imagine you would like to believe him, but I don't think I would. You can do so much better and will find someone who has character and doesn't lie and cheat. I think you know in your heart what to do, but it can be really hard to let go of someone that we've grown attached to.
Like others said, at least you are not married to him with kids in the mix. Big hug for you.

[Whiteflamingo]

Originally Posted by hannabee

Oh my! I imagine you would like to believe him, but I don't think I would. You can do so much better and will find someone who has character and doesn't lie and cheat. I think you know in your heart what to do, but it can be really hard to let go of someone that we've grown attached to.
Like others said, at least you are not married to him with kids in the mix. Big hug for you.

More big hugs! I agree! You should not sell yourself short. You have to know that being told 'I love you' is not the same as if someone actually does. Love in action is made of wonderful things. Small things that show you care, like turning down the bed at night, prepping the coffee for morning, a small gift when you aren't expecting it, or even help with the groceries without having to have been asked. Someone who treats you as if you are special is love, not being able to utter a few words. I hope you see this soon, I know the pain will last a long while tho. Do something nice for yourself...a new hairdo, a mani, or even an evening in with yourself and a good book. Hugs are with you.

[hannabee]

I just read this and thought it might be of some value to you! I hope so!

There are few things in life that feel worse than being rejected by someone, whether it’s a stranger, a new romantic interest, a longtime partner, your parent, sibling, or child, or a colleague at work. When someone discards us or ignores us or excludes us, it hurts like hell. So let’s talk about it.

First of all, not everyone is going to like you, or me. That’s just reality. And you’ll never please everyone, nor do you want to try. It’s never good to chase love, approval, respect or worthiness; if these things are not offered freely, this is not a person with whom you want to be close. Because bending yourself or shaping yourself around some idea of what you think someone else wants you to be, is an absolute betrayal of self, and it will bring you nothing but heartache. You are who you are, and who you are is a unique, one-of-a-kind human being in a world of seven billion human beings. There’s not even one other person just like you, which is remarkable and miraculous. So there’s that.

Here are other things: if someone does not return your call, your email, your feelings, they need to go in your “Not for me” file. They don’t need to go there with your contempt or bitterness, they just need to be put in that file, which you delete every time you fill it, because why would you carry around a drawer of people who don’t get you, see you, appreciate you, or deserve another ounce of your time or energy? I don’t say that in an angry way. Ideally you wish them well on their journey. You just don’t carry the weight of their opinions about you in a knapsack on your back. Life is too short for that. You have to like you. You have to be able to look yourself in the eye when you’re brushing your teeth at the end of the day.

Now, that’s an approachable idea if we’re talking about a stranger, or someone you went out with once (basically, a stranger ), or someone at work with whom you don’t really have to interact. But if we’re talking about heartbreak, we’re in a different situation. When family members stop speaking to one another, that’s a certain kind of sadness that’s truly unfortunate. Sometimes it can’t be helped. If a person isn’t willing to communicate with you, to try to see things from your point of view, to treat you with respect and consideration, then there’s not much you can do except to take yourself a safe distance away, and send them love from afar. Maybe over time they’ll soften, and maybe they won’t. You can’t control that. But if you’re in a stand-off with your sibling or your parent or your child, really check in with yourself. If you’re the shunned party, ask yourself if you’ve done everything you can to communicate and try to heal the situation. If you have, let that be enough for now. If you haven’t, think carefully about trying again. Because life really is short, and we just don’t know from day-to-day. It’s one thing to go to bed feeling a little uneasy about something, to have a lack of closure around a particular topic, to have a misunderstanding that’s going to take some time to clear up. It’s another thing to have the last thing you’ve ever said to someone be an angry thing you can never take back. To let things like arguments over money, or being “right” overshadow the love you once shared with this person. Trading righteousness for love is a fool’s game.

If we’re talking about your longtime partner, or someone with whom you’re in love, you’re in for a rough go for awhile. If you have doubts about whether you’re lovable, or about your worth or value, you’re now going to be in that highly uncomfortable place of feeling like those doubts are true, and your former lover has seen the truth of them. This is not generally what’s happening when a partner walks away from us. Sometimes, and this hurts, but sometimes, they just are not in love with us the way we’re in love with them. If that’s what you’re dealing with, as bad as it feels, they’ve done you a favor. Because you really deserve to be loved all the way, but you have to make space in your life to receive love like that. If you give the space to someone who doesn’t really have it for you, you’ve filled your dance card with a person who’s “just not that into you”, and I don’t know why you’d do that. Sometimes we fall into a very unhealthy dynamic with a person we feel we just never quite “have”, and we chase and run and dance like a monkey to get them to love us, until finally, they leave. Cut the time you play the monkey. You’re not a monkey, you’re a person. Trust that you’ll find the kind of love you want after you heal yourself and face those deep-rooted doubts.

More of the time, people leave because they don’t like the person they’ve become during the course of the relationship. Maybe they’re just not happy with themselves, but they’re convinced finding a new partner will solve it. People have all kinds of crazy ideas sometimes. They think they’ll be happy if they find the “right house”, or “right job”, or “right person”, but if they aren’t happy with their true house (themselves), it doesn’t matter where they go or what they do, or with whom. The pain will travel with them. It is not your job to wait around hoping they’re going to figure that out, though. It’s your job to come back to yourself. To nurture yourself and to heal. When we really truly love people, we have to want for them what they want for themselves, and this includes leaving us, if that’s what they feel they need to do. Your job then is to open the door. Your job is not to block the door, throw yourself in front of it, or wrap yourself around their ankles. There’s only one person who really has to love you, accept you, see you, understand you, honor you and celebrate you, and that person is you.

Is connection one of the best things in life? Absolutely. Warmth, love, affection? Yes. Being embraced with all your beauty and all your flaws? Of course. But do it for yourself, first, so you’re intimately acquainted with how that feels. That way you’ll recognize it when someone is feeling it for you, and you’ll be able to return it equally, too. Trust your pain. It will open you and strengthen you if you let it. And remember that no feeling is forever. Sending you love, and a giant hug, Ally Hamilton

[susancook911]

Originally Posted by hannabee

Oh my! I imagine you would like to believe him, but I don't think I would. You can do so much better and will find someone who has character and doesn't lie and cheat. I think you know in your heart what to do, but it can be really hard to let go of someone that we've grown attached to.
Like others said, at least you are not married to him with kids in the mix. Big hug for you.

Yes a big part of me is saying oh well that explains it theres no way he would do that ot must have been his cousin but in the messages i can tell its him for one he gave women his number talked about hos favorite resturant and where he goea to school so no doubt in ky mind its him.

[susancook911]

Originally Posted by Whiteflamingo

More big hugs! I agree! You should not sell yourself short. You have to know that being told 'I love you' is not the same as if someone actually does. Love in action is made of wonderful things. Small things that show you care, like turning down the bed at night, prepping the coffee for morning, a small gift when you aren't expecting it, or even help with the groceries without having to have been asked. Someone who treats you as if you are special is love, not being able to utter a few words. I hope you see this soon, I know the pain will last a long while tho. Do something nice for yourself...a new hairdo, a mani, or even an evening in with yourself and a good book. Hugs are with you.

I know but what confuses me is he did those things from the beginning to end bring me food by surprise give me massages send me sweet text at 4am to wake up to the next morning i just cant understand how its the same person part of me still wants to go running back to him but i cant lwt myself do that but its going to be really hard