[ForeverLonelyGirl]

I have had a very difficult relationship with my dad since age 13. Now I am rapidly approaching age 60. With a seriously bad period of time that started with my major nervous breakdown ten years ago, I had to stay at my parents' home and my dad and I fought terribly. My judgment was seriously off and he has no tolerance or understanding of mental illness. He threatened to hit me a few times, once I went to a women's shelter to get away from him. He and my sister kicked me out of his house for a couple of weeks. Yes, things were awful.

Fast forward to now, he is now living in assisted living, my mom has since passed away. Now he wants me to visit frequently. When I do, it is awkward most of the time and he always says something to make me very irritated, sometimes angry. I don't visit as often as I should and feel quite guilty about it. He talks to me constantly about my estranged sister which I have asked him not to do! That is very hurtful. There is a lot of guilt served up all around and I feel bad about my terrible feelings towards him. I think the only reason I visit is motivated by guilt only. It's a tough situation.

I don't know how to reconcile this and have peace of mind about. I just go visit, take him food I cook that he likes and try to do things for him. I feel like such a phony however when I do these things. He probably does not have long on the earth, which makes me feel even more guilty. It's a double edged sword for sure!

[JJBX]

Is it possible for you to talk about your feelings with him? Specifically, the awkwardness and the guilt you're feeling? It sounds like it would be pretty uncomfortable to bring up the topic, but you'd probably feel even worse if you never get the chance to!

[ForeverLonelyGirl]

I have tried to talk to him many times, once just recently. Back during the mental illness he would just tell me that he didn't want to hear it. The last time he just said nothing and acted like he did not hear me. I think he is past the point of wanting to hear anything anyone else has to say, especially me. I really don't know why he wants to see me. He has always had a closer relationship with my sister. So be it.

They are 2 peas in a pod, just alike. Hence why I have no relationship with her and a lousy one with him. I have had thoughts about him that I would be ashamed to write here.

[yunomi]

Happened to me as well, my relation with dad isn't good either. I always feel annoyed and irritated whenever he come back from work or stay at home although we don't talk at all. He won't understand anything and only cares for himself so it's useless to talk about this feeling to him or anyone at home. But i don't have any guilt.

[SnakeCharmer]

Someone very dear to me ended up in assisted living due to physical and mental health issues complicated by cognitive decline. One of the reasons she could no longer live at home was because she was so difficult. At one point, she almost brained me with her cane. I became afraid to turn my back on her and could no longer provide any assistance. It was very difficult.

I visited her and it was painful, we had nothing to talk about and it was just awkward. I stopped visiting for a while and then I decided to go, not for the pleasure of the visit or out of duty, but just to check to make sure she was being given proper care, to make sure she was clean and dressed and eating well. It was an excellent facility, but caregivers are very over-worked and under-paid. If they knew someone was receiving regular visits, they made an extra effort to fluff the hair, keep the breath fresh, the clothes nice and the room spotless and sweet smelling.

When I changed my attitude about the visits, I no longer dreaded them. I was going because she was a human being and every human being deserves good care and dignity right up until the end. I saw my role as helping to ensure that. I learned the caregivers' and the nurse's names and always said hello to them, talked to some of the other residents, just to say hello and pass a pleasantry or two, brought food and prunes for her bowels and Pond's cold cream. Toward the end, she didn't know who I was. She thought I was a caregiver and started smiling when she saw me. She'd been extremely negative for several years and it was nice to see a smile again.

I don't know if you can do that sort of thing with your dad. Basically, when I stopped trying to have a real relationship with her and just went in order to practice the Golden Rule with the hope that some day if I'm in the same situation, someone will remember to look in on me to make sure I'm being cared for. Just because we're all human beings.

Visits seldom lasted more than 15 minutes, although she would have liked me to stay all day (and complained at me the whole time.) If I was driving passed, I'd sometimes stop by more than once a day for just a few minutes because I wanted the staff to know I could drop in at any time.

Well ... it was heartbreaking, but here's the upshot ForeverGirl and what I'd hope for you ... when she passed away, I felt no guilt whatsoever. And no resentment either over the unpleasant things that happened. Long visits would have been beyond me, but 15 minutes was manageable for me. No matter how long or short the visits were, my loved one would have complained and criticized me so I just did what was best for me while sticking to the Golden Rule or Pay It Forward or whatever you want to call it.

Dealing with difficult elders is truly one of life's heartbreaks. I wish you the best as you negotiate this difficult road.

[ForeverLonelyGirl]

Snakecharmer you are a Godsend to me. You reply a lot to my posts and seem to have lots of experiences and knowledge. How very kind of you to have visited her and I am sure you earned your angel wings.

I sort of do visit for those reasons, He did make sure I had things even during the awful times. He did not let me go homeless for any length of time and my sister orchestrated a lot of the whole kicking me out scenario. I fear that she is just evil...different story.

There is a lotta lotta bad history between me and my dad. When I visit it gets rather excruciating after 30 min, that is my minimum stay. He will say, don't wait so long before coming back or some such thing. I have been hardly been able to get out anyway for the past 2 years so I am doing the best I can.

I tend to beat myself up about everything so this is just one more area that I condemn myself for. I don't know where the self hatred is going to take me, it seems to have bled into every area of my life.

Thanks again snakecharmer, you are awesome.

[~Christina]

I think Snakecharmer has really fabulous advice ( she always does) and first hand so it was tried and true.

Maybe try to put on "blinders" Take him the yummy food he likes, Talk about what he might like the next visit. If he has friends there maybe you could offer to bring in a cake and you would love to have a lil get together ( check if the friends can safely eat some cake, diabetes tends tends to be common as you well know ) That would focus the visit on a cake with his friends and and you, would take the pressure of you to sit just with him and all that awkward time.

Again Stellar advice Snakecharmer