[tabzzz]

Im dating someone for about 7 months now. We are exclusive and the relationship is breaking down for one of several reasons. It started off as casual and we were totally cool and things wouldn't bother us until it got serious and the little things started to bother each and primarily its to do with the opposite sex. Im traditional and old fashion and i've cut off temptation and females that i know would cause a problem in my relationship. She's a very attractive girl and has many suiters to which i'm not jealous or insecure about but i ask her to be open with me as i am with her and if anything arises i ask that we discuss it and try to solve it together. I know she loves the attention.

just a little background, she likes to delete texts from both guys and girls. She used to have someone that really liked her and was still calling her when we were together but had changed his name to a girls name on her phone. When i found this out it hurt me tremendously but i still wanted to work it out. I've asked her not delete things and to be open and honest with me, for the most part i'm very understanding. She tells me she cannot control who contacts her which is hard for me but i can understand. I've asked her many times to try to keep work text during work hours and asked her to not have her boss message her outside work.

When i took her to miami for her birthday she received a text from her boss, a male that may have intentions towards her and being her boss has some power over her. She deleted the message but i did get a glimpse and noticed she was asking odd and i asked her and she told me he was just wanting to know how miami is. I don't think she's cheating but it hurts when someone is defying me and withholding it from me especially when we've spoken about it. it may be innocent but wrong in my old fashion opinion. I think she can say to him please do not contact me outside of work or not work related. we've had many issues with her job and her boss.

recently she told me she was very upset that a close male family friend confessed his love to her. It was evident she was distraught and that she was uncomfortable with it and she didn't know what to do or tell her parents. she didn't want to disrupt the dynamics of the family relationship. I was supportive and understood. The guy happens to call two days later when we are having a nice sunday brunch. She offers to help him with something that is relevant to her work and field of expertise. I question why if she's uncomfortable with him she wants to help him and that he may be drawing and straws and finding ways to see her at her place of employment which can put her in a vulnerable position.
Im giving her a guys perspective. I say there are other people that can help him and suggest a couple of ways that he can go when she's not there or even say come anytime between normal business hours rather than only when she's there. She becomes very defensive and in not so many words says i cannot tell her what to do.

One day she tells me she will find a new job at the end of the summer the very next day she says she wants to become partners with the owners.

another day she said the boss offered her another job at another business he owns that will make her work on weekends and make lots of money. I don't say anything or suggest anything and then doesn't bring it up and later said she turned it down. She knows how sensitive the work issue is.

I don't think she's cheating or interested in any other guys. Im sure of that.

I am hurt and upset that she doesn't value or want to value what i say.
eg don't have your boss call or text outside of work hours or like what i suggest re male family friend

I include her in most of decisions and everyone i make i think of her and the impact on her.

She keeps saying she cannot do what i suggest. she doesn't even want to understand how i feel or acknowledge that i may have some validity or experience in what i say.

she says she tells me everything like this guys professing his love for her which i appreciate but when it comes to solving it or dealing with it i have to stay out of it. But by telling me i'm involved and cannot help but want to help her and or have her avoid being in an uncomfortable and comprised situation.
her counter is she wishes she never told me to which i say i don't know how she would live with that in her conscious.

I feel she tells me what she wants to tell me about situations and not the entire situation. she's the type of person that goes with the flow and i think cannot say no.

I feel she doesn't care about what i say and makes me feel bad about feeling or suggesting things. She is stubborn and will make a huge deal and will spend hours to plead her case.

I feel she's not wanting to be in a relationship that has full disclosure and openness.

i feel i can't trust her with her changing her phone password often or chaining the name of a guy to a girl even if its to protect me as she states.

Id like to know if I am I correct in how I feel or totally wrong?
Im i too old fashion or she is too immature?
is she trying to push my buttons or get me going by misbehaving?

please help, i love her but this is destroying both of us.

[healingme4me]

Since seven months is a fresh relationship, would it be safe to feel that you aren't living together?
With that in my thoughts, I'd feel it rather inappropriate, myself, to entertain anyone else outside of quality time together. Unless there's an emergency. No need for extra texts while on vacation, if that makes sense?
One of the final questions pinpointed my opinion, which is just my opinion...about maturity.

I'm certain there will be a wide variety of opinions here...

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[tabzzz]

Originally Posted by healingme4me

Since seven months is a fresh relationship, would it be safe to feel that you aren't living together?
With that in my thoughts, I'd feel it rather inappropriate, myself, to entertain anyone else outside of quality time together. Unless there's an emergency. No need for extra texts while on vacation, if that makes sense?
One of the final questions pinpointed my opinion, which is just my opinion...about maturity.

I'm certain there will be a wide variety of opinions here...

Sent from my LGMS323 using Tapatalk

healingme4me

thanks for your comments.
no we are not living together, yet.

i think i'm more disappointed at the receiving the text from her boss since we had spoken about this in the past. she got a few on a Saturday night when we were at a nice restaurant having dinner and several weeks before on a Friday night while at a comedy show to which she excused herself and took the call. I don't know if she replied back or not as she deleted the text(s). her response is i cannot control someone from calling/texting me to which my reply is yes you can. If it was an emergency from work i too would understand. thinking about it i think she may have got a text from one of her co workers but again on vacation i agree. I almost never reply to emails or work text when outside of the office or with her.

Maturity, i'm 39 getting out of an 8 year marriage two years in final stages. She is 28 and was engaged but called it off before she got married.

Can i trust someone who is capable of changing a name in her phone even if its to protect me or avoid conflict?

is deleting texts a big deal or normal?

is she just doing what she's doing to upset me?

[healingme4me]

I'm the type who believes in transparency in a relationship. I also, would rather turn off my phone or silence it, while out for an evening. It's common courtesy, imo.
I suppose some delete texts as they come through, however, I've been under the impression, that those that do, learn the habit as a means of hiding things, then again could be wanting to keep phone memory free?
I'm big on expecting privacy and giving privacy as a general rule of thumb in a relationship. At the same time, I give my undivided attention when out.

Cannot say that she's purposefully doing these things to upset you, yet, clearly her actions are upsetting you.

Perhaps change the method of communication to reflect your needs in a relationship, leaving out specific behaviors and see if she comes around?

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[Trippin2.0]

You sound much like my ex bf, except there was absolutely nothing old fashioned about him. He was just plain old run of the mill controlling.


He also attempted to dictate with whom I may and may not text, and I too changed a guy's name to a girl.


He's reasoning was that myself and that particular friend had a fling, so it counted as temptation.


Pfft, Like I'm a dog on heat who doesn't know any better, like I can't be trusted....


My reasoning? Well firstly, I didn't have any inclination to fight over nothing. That was in the past, we both agreed we made better friends than lovers and oh yes, your insecurity, jealousy and possessiveness isn't my bloody problem. Either trust me or move on.


Was I deceitful? Yes, obviously, but I slept soundly at night because there was nothing fishy going on between me and that friend of mine. Our friendship didn't dilute my commitment to my bf by any means.


You wanna know something funny?


Years later, he and I are still friends, and I don't even know if my ex is still alive despite the fact that we have a child together.


The boss thing?

Idk could be tricky depending on the work environment / culture, job security, industry.

I've never been bugged by employers calling or texting me outside of work, it's usually necessary, and if its not, it's because the work environment is more like that of a family, so its not odd to receive friendly texts unrelated to work. My current job is like that, our team, manager included, does not stick to office hours, well then again we don't keep normal office hours, so would be hard to do so if we even bothered to try. When I really don't want to be bothered by work though, I personally switch off my phone or block work numbers until I'm available for work related stuff.


We have only your side of the story, so hard to say who is wrong and who is right, maybe nobody is either, and you two are just incompatible.


But me? I certainly would and do take huge issue with a bf who would call me defiant. Disobeying orders is defiant, not disregarding suggestions.

I don't need anyone's permission, nor do I need to obey anyone.


I am an adult.


Speaking of suggestions....

Most times we need a sounding board, not a handyman. We usually just need to hash things out verbally in order to clear our minds and figure it ourselves.


So unless she asks for a solution and outright ignores it, I suggest you don't get so worked up about it.


Idk, maybe my past has jaded my response to you, and that would deem it obsolete, but I honestly see a guy *****ing about his disobedient gf because he hasn't figured out a way to control her.


Suggestions don't crumble relationships, suggestions don't get people so worked up that they turn to strangers online.


But that's just me, I call it like I see it.


Thank God I have a bf who doesn't demand to have my passwords, a bf who doesn't attempt to dictate who are good texting recipients, a bf who respects privacy, boundaries, a bf who trusts me, without having to read through my phone in order to do so. A bf who is secure in himself and in our relationship. It's sooo much better than what I had become used to.

Thank God.

[ChipperMonkey]

I say she's being disrespectful based on this....

She says that she can't control who contacts her.

Any other time I'd say ok, give her freedom, trust her....

But, this is a defense tactic. FEMALES ARE NOT STUPID! If we want a guy to go away, we know how to make them go away!

Guys are pretty easy to figure out. If we give them no attention, they go away. (Aside from stalkers and creep-o's.) Its also perfectly acceptable to set up reasonable boundaries. (Read: She has none!) So what I'm saying is that given the fact that you have said she LOVES attention, yes, she IS indeed feeding into getting attention from these guys! She has piss-poor boundaries. She much rather have the attention from a lot of nobodies rather than one very important somebody. Let her go because she's immature and not ready to settle down. You both want different things.

I personally rather have the attention of one single solitary special person instead of a lot of nobodies. In my life I've seen how all of this attention doesn't amount to a pile of beans, its superficial at best. Let her get her attention elsewhere. At some point she'll realize that those people don't care about her.

Find somebody who is on the same wavelength as you. If this relationship continues and there isn't compromise on both sides, its pretty much doomed to fail as you both have different ideas as to what you want in a relationship.

[tabzzz]

Originally Posted by Trippin2.0

You sound much like my ex bf, except there was absolutely nothing old fashioned about him. He was just plain old run of the mill controlling.


He also attempted to dictate with whom I may and may not text, and I too changed a guy's name to a girl.


He's reasoning was that myself and that particular friend had a fling, so it counted as temptation.


Pfft, Like I'm a dog on heat who doesn't know any better, like I can't be trusted....


My reasoning? Well firstly, I didn't have any inclination to fight over nothing. That was in the past, we both agreed we made better friends than lovers and oh yes, your insecurity, jealousy and possessiveness isn't my bloody problem. Either trust me or move on.


Was I deceitful? Yes, obviously, but I slept soundly at night because there was nothing fishy going on between me and that friend of mine. Our friendship didn't dilute my commitment to my bf by any means.


You wanna know something funny?


Years later, he and I are still friends, and I don't even know if my ex is still alive despite the fact that we have a child together.


The boss thing?

Idk could be tricky depending on the work environment / culture, job security, industry.

I've never been bugged by employers calling or texting me outside of work, it's usually necessary, and if its not, it's because the work environment is more like that of a family, so its not odd to receive friendly texts unrelated to work. My current job is like that, our team, manager included, does not stick to office hours, well then again we don't keep normal office hours, so would be hard to do so if we even bothered to try. When I really don't want to be bothered by work though, I personally switch off my phone or block work numbers until I'm available for work related stuff.


We have only your side of the story, so hard to say who is wrong and who is right, maybe nobody is either, and you two are just incompatible.


But me? I certainly would and do take huge issue with a bf who would call me defiant. Disobeying orders is defiant, not disregarding suggestions.

I don't need anyone's permission, nor do I need to obey anyone.


I am an adult.


Speaking of suggestions....

Most times we need a sounding board, not a handyman. We usually just need to hash things out verbally in order to clear our minds and figure it ourselves.


So unless she asks for a solution and outright ignores it, I suggest you don't get so worked up about it.


Idk, maybe my past has jaded my response to you, and that would deem it obsolete, but I honestly see a guy *****ing about his disobedient gf because he hasn't figured out a way to control her.


Suggestions don't crumble relationships, suggestions don't get people so worked up that they turn to strangers online.


But that's just me, I call it like I see it.


Thank God I have a bf who doesn't demand to have my passwords, a bf who doesn't attempt to dictate who are good texting recipients, a bf who respects privacy, boundaries, a bf who trusts me, without having to read through my phone in order to do so. A bf who is secure in himself and in our relationship. It's sooo much better than what I had become used to.

Thank God.

Thanks for your thoughts. it has really shed light on the situation.

I will ask you one thing and one thing only. If a man from your past or coworker sends you a message or is trying to hit on would you tell your current boyfriend and would his opinion or suggestion matter. If your answer is No you wouldn't tell him would you feel that you are hiding something and being dishonest?

thanks in advance,

[tabzzz]

Originally Posted by ChipperMonkey

I say she's being disrespectful based on this....

She says that she can't control who contacts her.

Any other time I'd say ok, give her freedom, trust her....

But, this is a defense tactic. FEMALES ARE NOT STUPID! If we want a guy to go away, we know how to make them go away!

Guys are pretty easy to figure out. If we give them no attention, they go away. (Aside from stalkers and creep-o's.) Its also perfectly acceptable to set up reasonable boundaries. (Read: She has none!) So what I'm saying is that given the fact that you have said she LOVES attention, yes, she IS indeed feeding into getting attention from these guys! She has piss-poor boundaries. She much rather have the attention from a lot of nobodies rather than one very important somebody. Let her go because she's immature and not ready to settle down. You both want different things.

I personally rather have the attention of one single solitary special person instead of a lot of nobodies. In my life I've seen how all of this attention doesn't amount to a pile of beans, its superficial at best. Let her get her attention elsewhere. At some point she'll realize that those people don't care about her.

Find somebody who is on the same wavelength as you. If this relationship continues and there isn't compromise on both sides, its pretty much doomed to fail as you both have different ideas as to what you want in a relationship.

i agree with your points. females are not stupid, in fact they are very smart. she is liking the attention and wanting the freedom which i guess she is entitled to as she is not my wife. The question i guess is if its like this now will it ever change or do i have to deal with it?

[Trippin2.0]

Originally Posted by tabzzz

Thanks for your thoughts. it has really shed light on the situation.



I will ask you one thing and one thing only. If a man from your past or coworker sends you a message or is trying to hit on would you tell your current boyfriend and would his opinion or suggestion matter. If your answer is No you wouldn't tell him would you feel that you are hiding something and being dishonest?



thanks in advance,

Messages me? No, people message me all the time, people message him all the time it would be silly to report every message we got from the opposite gender.

I don't find it dishonest that we don't take screenshots and swop texts we get from the opposite sex.
We could be utilizing our time in much better ways!!!



Unless I'm misunderstanding what you mean.

Blatantly hit on me though? In the beginning I told him, and now I actually don't bother because it doesn't bother him. He says I am attractive, so its only natural that guys would try their luck and because he trusts me, I don't need to report back everytime some guy tries to hit on me.

He knows I shut them down immediately, so he doesn't expect a blow by blow account.


I would certainly tell him immediately if it affected him though.... Like if the guy was his friend or family, or if I reciprocated the guy's feelings in any way, shape or form. That would be reason to involve my bf.


And yes, if like in the scenario mentioned above, the third party actually affected our relationship, his opinion and suggestions would matter to me.


But not if it was just some guy.


Just some guy has no bearing on our relationship, we're stronger than that.

[tabzzz]

Originally Posted by Trippin2.0

Messages me? No, people message me all the time, people message him all the time it would be silly to report every message we got from the opposite gender.

I don't find it dishonest that we don't take screenshots and swop texts we get from the opposite sex.
We could be utilizing our time in much better ways!!!



Unless I'm misunderstanding what you mean.

Blatantly hit on me though? In the beginning I told him, and now I actually don't bother because it doesn't bother him. He says I am attractive, so its only natural that guys would try their luck and because he trusts me, I don't need to report back everytime some guy tries to hit on me.

He knows I shut them down immediately, so he doesn't expect a blow by blow account.


I would certainly tell him immediately if it affected him though.... Like if the guy was his friend or family, or if I reciprocated the guy's feelings in any way, shape or form. That would be reason to involve my bf.


And yes, if like in the scenario mentioned above, the third party actually affected our relationship, his opinion and suggestions would matter to me.


But not if it was just some guy.


Just some guy has no bearing on our relationship, we're stronger than that.

thank you for you answer. i totally agree with all that you say. yes we can't control who hits on you or wants to contact you or messages you. Him knowing you turn them down is key and why he trusts you.

i think my issue may lay in that i met her at her work. She is very friendly and flirty which i found attractive but now may be bothering me.

I do need to trust her more and i think being young and innocent and flirty she may give men the wrong signal. Being a little older than her i feel responsible for her safety and happiness and well being. Does that make sense at all?

how do i trust her more?
is there anything i should ask for to allow me to trust her?

[healingme4me]

I'm not certain there are any requests that could be made, to gain trust. That's an individual concern, not her responsibility.

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[Trippin2.0]

Makes PERFECT sense actually.

I am very friendly by nature too and sometimes its interpreted as flirty. idk, I don't mean anything by it, I'm not leading anyone on. And as I got older, I actually thought I needed to tone down the smiling and the laughing and the eye contact.


Because more often than not, I would be listening to someone profess their undying love to me, seemingly out of nowhere.


Awkward moments much? yip.


I met my BF's new colleague, and tried the toned down version of me. Afterward, he asked me what was wrong with me, if I wasn't feeling well, because I did not behave like myself at all and he had described a bubbly, friendly, talkative gf, guess he was a bit disappointed....


When I explained myself, he just laughed and said "babe, if they misread your friendliness for flirting, that's their problem, if they get their feelings hurt, again, its their problem. Don't change for anyone"



Could be that the idea of fun and flirty was appealing to you when you met her, but the reality of dating is not as appealing. That may simply mean that you two are in fact incompatible. Unless you can learn to accept her as is, as you initially wanted.

Yes you may feel responsible, but the truth is you really aren't. We are all responsible for our own happiness and wellbeing. And unless she's in physical danger, I think she seems safe to me.


My bf is very concerned and protective, always has been, lonnnng before we started dating, and he's a year younger than me. So trust me when I say I get the protective factor.


I text him to say I've arrived safely home from wherever or from work, blah blah, lol, to ease his mind when I'm out without him and he can't play chauffeur.


But the point of the matter is this, unless she gives you a reason to distrust her, you really have no right to. Innocent until proven guilty no?


I really have no clue why you don't trust her, so I'm not at all sure what could help you get to that point.


For all I know it's not even her, it could be a past relationship (as was in my case) so it may be an issue completely independent of her and her behavior.


I distrusted my bf, because of my ex bf, and all I did was create problems that didn't exist.

So I just made a conscious choice to trust him, until he proves me wrong.

So far so good 😊

[winter4me]

I think this says more about you than her. I am really old fashioned, I think her texts are Her business to share or not (like a letter, a land line call, a journal)---
And, frankly, it sounds as though you read a lot into what is shared with you.
You can have friends, and business relationships, with people of both genders, any sexual orientation etc., the fact that you cut yourself off tells me that you don't trust yourself. And, how could you, then, trust another...

[tabzzz]

Originally Posted by winter4me

I think this says more about you than her. I am really old fashioned, I think her texts are Her business to share or not (like a letter, a land line call, a journal)---
And, frankly, it sounds as though you read a lot into what is shared with you.
You can have friends, and business relationships, with people of both genders, any sexual orientation etc., the fact that you cut yourself off tells me that you don't trust yourself. And, how could you, then, trust another...

i agree i have some things to address.
should i not be bothered about someone who has the potential to change a name in her phone so i don't know about it?

[healingme4me]

Originally Posted by tabzzz

i agree i have some things to address.
should i not be bothered about someone who has the potential to change a name in her phone so i don't know about it?

It does raise a valid question on honesty and integrity.

Is she handing her phone, over to you? Or is it casual peeking?

Can these questions be addressed in couples counseling?

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[Perna]

Originally Posted by tabzzz

I don't think she's cheating but it hurts when someone is defying me and withholding it from me especially when we've spoken about it. it may be innocent but wrong in my old fashion opinion. I think she can say to him please do not contact me outside of work or not work related. we've had many issues with her job and her boss.

Yes, I think you have difficulty trusting another person and letting them live their life however they want to live their life. The use of "defying me and withholding" really jumped out at me, your girlfriend's life is not yours to control: she cannot "defy" you, you are not in the driver's seat of her life.

We only get to interact one-on-one with another person, not with another person and the person's boss. You can interact with her boss if you want (although I think your girlfriend would object), that is your choice, tell him YOU don't want him to call your girlfriend, but you cannot tell your girlfriend how she is to interact with her boss. That relationship is between the two of them and you are not part of it.

[winter4me]

Originally Posted by tabzzz

i agree i have some things to address.
should i not be bothered about someone who has the potential to change a name in her phone so i don't know about it?

Why are you bothered?

[Trippin2.0]

Originally Posted by winter4me

Why are you bothered?

I would also very much like to know the answer to this question...


Especially since I explained why I myself did that very same thing, and that my integrity, commitment and loyalty was not the problem.

Instead my then bf attempting to order me around was the problem.


If there is no reason to suspect her of cheating, like you say, and she has explained her actions, then what exactly is so bothersome?


Her audacity to defy you?

[tabzzz]

Originally Posted by Trippin2.0

I would also very much like to know the answer to this question...


Especially since I explained why I myself did that very same thing, and that my integrity, commitment and loyalty was not the problem.

Instead my then bf attempting to order me around was the problem.


If there is no reason to suspect her of cheating, like you say, and she has explained her actions, then what exactly is so bothersome?


Her audacity to defy you?

why am i bothered?
there can be the potential of doing other things that could affect the relationship

[healingme4me]

That does toss you into the 'what if' line of thinking, however. It's not really a healthy way to begin foundation building in a potential long term relationship.

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[ochoa.c]

Originally Posted by tabzzz

why am i bothered?
there can be the potential of doing other things that could affect the relationship

Has she done anything else than erasing her messages that would give you any indications whatsoever that she is doing other things?

[winter4me]

There are always things that alter relationships as time goes on. People are not static beings, you will do/say things that alter the relationship If your biggest fear (I think this is what I am hearing behind all this) is that she might end up having a relationship with someone else (& it certainly sounds like you don't trust yourself if you have cut yourself off....) you really should let her go ---- don't try to have an exclusive relationship when it is nothing but a cage for each of you-----
You are not in charge....none of us are....
I think it would be better if you could express your feelings (not wants/demands), your insecurities, and your hopes/dreams, share your interests with her, do things together, talk. Trying to control is extremely unhealthy for both of you.

[tabzzz]

Originally Posted by ochoa.c

Has she done anything else than erasing her messages that would give you any indications whatsoever that she is doing other things?

changing a name of a guy to a girls name is the only real thing.
she has lots of friends that i don't know about and her past is a little unknown in that she lived overseas for last 4-5 years but thats not really an issue.

[Rose76]

I don't think anyone has any business reading the texts on someone else's phone.

On the other hand, when she is with you, she has no business exchanging texts with other guys. She has a lot of control over who contacts her. If she stays in contact with guys wanting to date her, then, if I was you, I would say to her,"Let me know when you're truly free and available. I really don't want to date you, while you have other connections going on with single guys."

[Hexagram]

I think that she's deceptive and you should kick her to the curb.