[paintingravens]

This is gonna be lengthy -- I'm really sorry about that, but there's a lot to get through -- and anyone who takes the time to read all of this has my sincerest thanks in advance. I have no clue what else there is to do and I'm tearing myself up stressing about this, but I have not yet acquired a therapist because unfortunately, healthcare is expensive, so this is the next best thing.

I'm 24, she's 22, and my dad is 54, and I just found out they've been dating for 3 years now, before he divorced my step-mom, which was last year. Strangely enough, the age difference (more specifically, the thought of potentially having to refer to someone the same age as my little brother as "stepmom") isn't what bothers me, at least, not nearly as much as what I found out less than a week ago from her (let's call her Ann), while my dad was out.

Ann told me this in tears,

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that my dad had gotten so angry when they were arguing that he slapped her face 3 times and punched her about 8 times, giving her a black eye, the week before I came to visit them both in the Philippines, where my dad has dual citizenship. According to her, he told her first that he had blacked out and didn't remember hitting her, but then later he changed his story and told her she had deserved it. Worse still, he lied to her and told her it was the first time he had ever hit a woman, which is the biggest lie he's ever told.

But I have to back up. After my mom and dad divorced 20 years ago, not long after my mom gave birth to my little brother (my older brother was about 7 and I was 3 or 4). Since my parents separated, he's gone through at least 2 girlfriends in the US that I know of, my current stepmom, who officially divorced him in 2013 and had a daughter with him, who's now almost 13, and now 22 year old Ann-not-Ann. I have another half-sister from the woman he was with before my mom (they weren't married), and I also found out a couple of years ago about yet ANOTHER half-brother from another woman in the Philippines -- this kid would've been born between the time my parents separated and dad married my stepmom in 2001, and in all probability, conceived when dad went to visit the country again (dad was born there). He continues to deny that the son is his and refuses to be DNA tested, even though the boy looks exactly like my dad did as a child, and the mother is trying to sue him for child support, but we don't really keep touch with her or her son. If all this evidence of his womanizing behavior wasn't enough, let me tell you, I've had enough conversations with him to know exactly how he views women, and he's made it abundantly clear that he believes women are inferior and should obey men in relationships -- or, you know, his version of what a relationship should be, in addition to everything else that's wrong with him.

My parents separated because

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he used to physically and emotionally abuse my mom for years. He even went to jail for it, but because he is also a master manipulator, he would beg and plead for her to take him back, and she did, and he would hit her again and treat her like dirt, and this cycle repeated, as abusive relationships usually go, until they divorced, but he still managed to get to her occasionally and left us with a few not especially fun memories. My brothers and I would see him every other weekend growing up, and while he didn't give us the same degree of treatment as what he gave our mom (not all of us anyway), he could be really damn scary sometimes, and even through today, he continues to try to lie and manipulate and emotionally abuse his offspring. I feel like he has jerked me around emotionally for a really long time, as our relationship, if you can call it that, tends to fluctuate between pretending to be buddies and me crying and/or yelling at him a lot, as he always does something that makes me hate him, and I see him less frequently now, because I tend to extremely dislike our visits together. Not only is he SUPER arrogant and enjoys pushing buttons as much as he can get away with, he's so easily likeable and charismatic, that even I find myself feeling guilty for ever being angry at him when he's not being emotionally manipulative, and I've spent entirely too much time crying because of ******** my dad has started but refuses to stop or even recognize as problematic behavior. I guess my thoughts about have always been something like "he may be narcissistic, emotionally stunted, emotionally abusive/manipulative, and a total misogynist, but at least he doesn't hit women anymore", which is a really screwed up way of looking at it, I've recently realized, but I think I've always felt the need to compartmentalize away this abusive side of him that I hate so much in order to have some semblance of a relationship with him, which hasn't been much of one, to be honest.

Back to the situation at hand, he basically abandoned his adolescent daughter and recent ex-wife at least a couple of years ago to go spend his early-retirement money in the Philippines the majority of the year -- like I said, he has dual citizenship now -- not caring at all about how this sudden change affects his daughter. The Philippines is where he met Ann, his current 22 year old girlfriend (he had not yet been divorced from my step-mom when they started dating though).

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My dad told Ann not to tell anyone that he hit her (obviously) and from what she's told me, their relationship shows too many signs of emotional abuse, like him trying to cut her off from her friends, and making a lot of rules for her to follow while being exempt from the rules himself, among other signs of his abusive behavior, like a history of animal abuse and neglect.

I returned to the US about a week ago from this visit, and Ann told me of what he did on the last day of my trip. My dad returned the US two days after I did, and so Ann is still in the Philippines staying in his 3-story house while he's gone. She has tried to leave him once, but of course, he begged her to take him back, and while I have been trying as best as I can to convince her to leave, preferably before he returns to the Philippines and is able to beg, she is having a really hard time convincing herself to leave him, and she misses him already, even though she confessed that she was afraid of him now. She wanted to finish her studies before they ever started dating, except my dad told her not to, he said it's because she wouldn't need to get a job with the all money he has (I'm realizing now that this is all a part of his plan to trap her in this relationship financially), and she's so young. We became good friends while I was there, and I see her almost as a sister now, which is still pretty weird to think about because she's the same age as little brother and is dating my dad, but the point is, I care very much about her well-being -- she's so sweet and understanding and trusting, and I don't want to see her end up the same way my mom did. I don't want her to spend years being bitter and angry and recovering from the aftereffects of his mistakes because he doesn't want to deal with his own abusive past, but I feel so helpless not being able to do anything for her except try to be as persuasive as I can and just be available for her if she needs to talk.

Worse still, I don't think I've ever been so angry at my dad in my life, but I can't even get angry at him because being honest with him could give Ann away, which could end up dangerously for her, and all I want to do is get angry at him. I want to tell him to **** off and then never see or talk to him again. I feel like all my efforts to have a quasi-normal relationship with him over the past 20 years, all the work it's taken for me to try to forgive him for what he did in the past, have been for nothing, because apparently he hasn't changed at all, and I may never actually have any sort of real relationship with him, which hurts so much. But I am so beyond tired of all his ********, and I don't want to deal with it anymore. But I don't know how to act around him, and I'm bound to be have to be around him sometimes, because his side of the family is really big, and my cousins and siblings are close, and he'll occasionally text me to ask how I'm doing (his responses are typically one word answers). I guess I have enough practice pretending that we're best friends that it shouldn't be too difficult to do it for Ann's sake, but in the meantime, I'm having a time trying to cope with all these feelings. I'm trying to focus on moving out of my mom's house next week for now, but I can't even bring myself to finish packing.

I don't know what to do. I don't know if I can actually do anything about this. But I would really appreciate some support, if nothing else. My brothers are a lot like my dad in many ways, and they haven't been the most supportive about this.

Thanks again for reading.

Sorry you are dealing with this.

Look after yourself, it's not your responsibility to put right the abusive mess he created.

[Bill3]

(((((paintingravens)))))

Ann is an adult and knows what is up. You have connected with her but you cannot rescue her. You might want to think about your own need to try to rescue others, and how it may derive from your upbringing.

(((((paintingravens)))))

[avlady]

that's an awful story, i really don't know how your dad got away with all this #### for all these years. i would try to distance myself if i were you, its very unhealthy. you probably can't help it although hes there when hes there? Ann will have to learn on her own and it isn't your responsibility to take care of her although it is nice of you to want to help her. This guy sounds like a real piece of work.i hope you have better days ahead of you and your family.

[allme]

What an awful man...I am sorry you are going through this with him. But ppl are right, it is Ann's life and she will have to learn for herself. You have enough to deal with let alone dealing with Ann. Although I do think you are very nice wanting to help her, she isn't your responsibility, you have already told her to leave him, there isn't much else you can do from that.

I wish you all the best

[Puglife]

I'm sorry your father is so awful. You need to take care of yourself and distance yourself from him. Ann is an adult and now knows exactly what kind of person he is and it's up to her to decide to stay or leave him.

I really hope he stops conceiving children.

[toolman65]

It is not your job to clean up this mess. To atone for the sins of your father. You have placed yourself into a situation that you have no control over. Whatever the dynamic between your father and half the women in the Phillippines ,that is their deal.

Your wanting to help Ann is admirable, but she chose this life for whatever reasons. Only she can stop this. Dumping this mess in your lap doesn't make her any safer and only makes you feel more impotent. All you can do is encourage her to find resources in her country for getting free of this sperm donor before she gets knocked up.

Stay well clear otherwise.

[paintingravens]

Originally Posted by Puglife

I'm sorry your father is so awful. You need to take care of yourself and distance yourself from him. Ann is an adult and now knows exactly what kind of person he is and it's up to her to decide to stay or leave him.

I really hope he stops conceiving children.

You and me both.

[paintingravens]

Originally Posted by toolman65

It is not your job to clean up this mess. To atone for the sins of your father. You have placed yourself into a situation that you have no control over. Whatever the dynamic between your father and half the women in the Phillippines ,that is their deal.

Your wanting to help Ann is admirable, but she chose this life for whatever reasons. Only she can stop this. Dumping this mess in your lap doesn't make her any safer and only makes you feel more impotent. All you can do is encourage her to find resources in her country for getting free of this sperm donor before she gets knocked up.

Stay well clear otherwise.

Actually the majority of the women he's knocked up are from the US. I think the only reason she told me in the first place -- she was clearly hesitant to do so-- was after she asked me how my relationship with dad was, as she wanted to know if he was treating his kids right, and before she told me about him, she wanted to ask me why my parents separated. It was only after I agreed to tell her that she told me what he'd done. And I can't really blame her for wanting to find out whether or not he has a history of abuse and lied about it, and I don't know who else she would be able to ask about it. I am glad she told me though, despite how strongly I feel about it. Based on my brothers' response to this mess, I'm not even sure if they would have let her tell them anything -- especially big brother, who is the closest to my dad out of all his offspring and is the first to defend him, probably because he's dad's oldest son -- and she might never have found out about the kind of person he is.

But what makes it harder is that like I said, dad can be really likeable, and he doesn't act like a terrible person all of the time. As much money as he has, he's very generous with it; he has a history of buying dinner for homeless people he comes across, including a large group of extremely poor children trying to sell flower necklaces while we were in the Philippines (he bought necklaces from all of them), and he donates a large portion of his money to churches (oh, funny story, he was invited to actually preach at one of the churches he donated money too while I was there, and THAT was fun; I really loved the part of the sermon where he randomly called me out in front of the whole church for not being a churchgoer and earned a lot of applause for bringing it up, meanwhile my social anxiety was flaring up). It's his seemingly selfless generosity that has made me believe all this time he actually does have a heart beneath all his issues, but then again, he might just believe that if he gives enough money away to people less fortunate, he's bought permission from God to be a complete a--hole. Maybe he thinks the only way he can get people to like him is to buy their appreciation -- that seems to have been the case when we were growing up.

[SnakeCharmer]

I am so sorry you're being exposed to all of this. It's a very difficult situation and, honestly, your dad sounds like a very difficult man. If he said he blacked out, he probably has problems you can't do anything about. Going back and changing his story to "she deserved it" is fairly common as people try to reconstruct a memory.

It's okay to detach from your dad as much as possible, to step back and to live your own life. Even though he's making a mess of things, it's also okay for you to love him anyway. But just because we love someone it doesn't mean we have to get involved in their problems or do anything to fix them. Sometimes love means accepting them as they are and letting them go as we get on with our own lives.

He and Ann are both adults, although she is very young. It's not your job to save them. I hope you can put all of your energies into taking care of yourself and having the best life you can away from your dad's chaos and abusive actions.

Stepping away with love is not an easy thing to do. But it is the best thing. I wish you a good life.

[tradika]

Money does not buy atonement for abuse. He can give every bit of his money away to the poor and unless his heart is in the right place it does not matter. Some people only do it to be noticed by the community. It is an ego thing. This guy needs serious help. I would advise you to stay away from him.

[paintingravens]

I can definitely vouch for his oversized ego. As can my siblings, and mom, and his other ex-wife, and Ann. He spends a lot of time talking about himself and how highly intelligent he is (and was as a kid) and he REALLY enjoys hearing himself talk. Whenever I see him, it's like he always feels the need to impart upon us some piece of profound wisdom, no matter how many times he's already told us the same thing, and no matter how many times he contradicts himself or pretends that the rules he gives everyone else don't apply to him. Maybe I just want to see him as a generous, selfless guy underneath all his flaws, or maybe he really is as generous as he seems to be, but I can't help but think that no way someone with an ego his size can do these supposedly selfless acts without some underlying reason for it, like for recognition. Or maybe his apparent ego is just to hide some deep-seated insecurity. I dunno.

Whatever the case, I've just been checking in on Ann occasionally, and sharing informative articles on abusive relationships in an attempt to convince her to leave. I know she's an adult, and I can't make her decision for her, but there's no way I can just not think about this. I care about her very much, and I can't let a fellow woman, much less a friend, go through this on her own. At the same time, I'm going to try my best to focus as much as I can on starting this new chapter of my life, intimidating as the thought may be -- but I'll be away from my dad and closer to my partner and best friends, who have given me the best emotional support I could ask for, so I'm trying to focus on that. But it would be nice to have someone professional to work through all these emotions I have been dealing with for the past several years, and I don't mean just the anger I have towards my father, which I'm sure needs to be dealt with too. It's been extremely difficult not thinking or being reminded of him on a daily basis since this whole situation started, and I feel like I've been sinking into another episode of depression this week because of it. Jet lag plus daylight savings time may have been a contributing factor though.

Thank you everyone, so much, for all the support and advice you've given me. You are all wonderful people.

Wow, what a read. I'd mostly echo a couple of sentiments - one being to look after yourself first and foremost (though I don't think you being friends with Anne and giving her the lowdown is a bad thing at all), and two being that I think it's kind of fruitless to try to reconcile the two sides of a person like that (though I understand why you'd want to!)... No amount of likability or generosity makes up for victimizing and abusing and neglecting others. I can understand though wanting to see the good things in your own father.

I haven't had a father figure in my life personally. One (non-biological) tried to come back when I was 16 or 17 but it was really too late at that point to feel any sort of closeness or reconciliation. I only offer this up because I can say without a doubt that it's completely possible to live after cutting a father out. Though I guess it's more complicated than that given the size of the family... tough spot to be in, I'm sure.

Thanks for sharing and make sure not to forget to take care of yourself while trying to support Anne. Sadly, he'll probably find another young woman even if she does leave, so... choose your battles and how much of yourself you put into them wisely.