[moooo2u]

ok, so I'm going through some issues hating my job and not valuing myself and always worrying about what people think and always trying to please people and really just not enjoying things too much.
so it was a particularly stressful day with a lot of people needing to be pleased at work and dogs needing to be walked and fed,etc etc and she came home with some packages from the grocery store and I was digging around and said I was looking for something to eat because I was stressed. she asked why so I said just another crappy day in a crappy life.
her immediate reaction is to take offense to to that - I understand why she might if she and our family were actually the problem - but she knows better and she knows my struggles and she knows my family is a bright spot in my life. in fact, I live for them. I find no compelling reason to grow old for my own sake except for them - if that makes any sense.
this has come up before where I cannot express my feelings because they become about her and I'm bad for having such feelings.
this has been discussed in therapy as well.
my feeling is that she is no respite to me - but should she be - should I have that expectation?
am I just saying those things to get a little validation and positive feedback knowing that I won't?
i don't have anyone to discuss such things with - I really talk to no one outside of work and I was in therapy for almost two years and we spent a lot of time talking about how I need to love myself and feel important and even in one of our last sessions my therapist (who also was a nun!) said to me "why are you always sh***ting on yourself?"
that's another problem - we ended therapy on good terms with me supposedly having the tools to cope but I can't help thinking that she gave up on me.
anyway, back to the problem at hand. what should I expect? is it reasonable for me to expect some positive caring feedback or is that just feeding into the "oh, poor me" attitude.
I believe one of the directions that therapy was heading (and it was couples therapy for a few weeks until my wife said she wasn't going back) was that my wife was doing a lot of damage to me but I would not leave or kick her out - and that's one of the reasons the therapist gave up on me. or maybe I'm just imaging that.
I know to reframe negative thinking. I know that I cannot please everyone. I know that I cannot worry about what people think of me. I know I don't have to be perfect and all things to all people. I know I have to take care of myself and put myself first and value myself. Its rough.
I'm just rambling at this point.

[kaliope]

it sounds like you have a lot of good coping skills. what you are missling is what you desire. someone to listen to you. a place to vent without judgement. ideally this would be a partner, the people you share your life with. you are not wrong in wanting that. you are entitled to your feelings and she could use a crash course in reflective listening. you need to get that stuff out. it is bad for your heart mind and soul. take care.

[peaceseeker63]

I am sorry you are struggling, but I can give you my view from a wife's perspective. My husband is a complainer...every day he would come home from work and talk about all the bad things that happened to him that day. Every day. It got very, very old for me to always try and "listen", to support him, day after day after day. He didn't realize he was being negative and even after talking to him about it, he continued to do it. The general comment you made reminds me of something he would say, and there is nothing anyone can say in response that would be helpful. Perhaps being more specific, such as telling your wife what happened and how you felt about it might get a different response. If my husband did this, I think it would go a long way in garnering support from me.

[~Christina]

The title of the thread ..... Yes that !

If you say " damn I had a lousy week at work ..... Okay I see nothing wrong, If its a daily or weekly thing? Well then you need to make changes... Process your feelings .. The fact is most people wind up in jobs that aren't what they want. Maybe look for a different job?

The statement " Another crappy week in a crappy life " <~~~ That is going to pull her into it...She will most likely feel that if you have a crappy life then you are happy about nothing , and that nothing will include her... So how can she continue to be supportive when shes in your life and your often saying you have a crappy life?

Resentment will build, she obviously she isn't going to want to hear or offer much support...How can you blame her if you look at this situation logically?

I do understand your feeling terrible and in a bad place emotionally.. Your T gave up on you ? Okay then you need a different T... You have many issues that Therapy can really help you with. ..

I remember about 5 years ago when I was diagnosed Bipolar and everything was a total train wreck, I felt I had no self worth , my esteem was not to be found... Hubby would come home from work everyday and ask how my day was and I would unload about how terrible it was and how I am really just hating life..... This went on for a few weeks .... My Husband stopped me one night and said ... Is your life so terrible that you hate everything?? I said Yes ( getting mad) he said , so you don't love me ? you don't love your daughter, you don't love your friends or your Dog ? Bam ,,, It hit me like a ton of bricks, I felt terrible. Yes hes my spouse but that doesn't mean hes is my personal verbal punching bag.

I decided that I had to make changes I learned ways in Therapy to understand how my outlook and negative things that I was just soaking in was toxic to my marriage.. I found friend here on PC that when I need to rant ,rave, moan and having bytchfit or a pity party to talk to, Because they are going to "get it "

Sure I still talk to my husband when I really need him to understand that I am in a bad spot and I need him to hug me , remind me things will improve/work out... But I don't lay it all on him. My friends here, My Therapist, talking to my dog, writing in a journal , start a blog , get it all out of your head , But you need to spread it around .

[A Red Panda]

I agree with both of the above posters.

When you say that your LIFE is crappy, that includes your family. Of course hearing that is going to eventually take a toll on your wife - if you're always saying in earnest that your life is crappy, and then have to go "no no I don't mean you"... which one sounds like the lie? The outburst of unhappiness, or the scrambling to fix it?

You're making an assumption that she knows better. Logically she might, but it's pretty clear that emotionally she doesn't. In all honesty, I would be responding the same as her. I could only handle hearing that someone's life was crappy so many times before I stopped believing them when they said it didn't include me. Especially if I am almost always seeing them unhappy.

Try being more specific with your wife. "Another crappy day at a crappy job" makes it very clear that you are fine with your home life and just in a bad mood from work. You don't even need to go into details about what was crappy at work - and you're still venting the same emotions and frustrations.

[moooo2u]

Originally Posted by peaceseeker63

I am sorry you are struggling, but I can give you my view from a wife's perspective. My husband is a complainer...every day he would come home from work and talk about all the bad things that happened to him that day. Every day. It got very, very old for me to always try and "listen", to support him, day after day after day. He didn't realize he was being negative and even after talking to him about it, he continued to do it. The general comment you made reminds me of something he would say, and there is nothing anyone can say in response that would be helpful. Perhaps being more specific, such as telling your wife what happened and how you felt about it might get a different response. If my husband did this, I think it would go a long way in garnering support from me.

Thank you. That's a very good point. I should not just generalize like that because overall its not necessarily true. Specific things happened to put me into that mood so I need to talk about those things rather than just make a sweeping generalization. I'll definitely try to do that.

[avlady]

Good for you for taking advice and constructive critisism>

[Rose76]

Originally Posted by moooo2u

I said just another crappy day in a crappy life.
her immediate reaction is to take offense to to that - I understand why she might if she and our family were actually the problem - but she knows better . . .

-------------------------------------------------------

. . . my wife was doing a lot of damage to me but I would not leave or kick her out

You are kind of talking out of both sides of your mouth. Your wife is not the problem. Then: Your wife is the problem, so much so that you might ought to think about ending the marriage. Which is it?

You want to get credit for so deeply valuing your wife and family that they are your only reason for living . . . . but you are, simultaneously whining about how your wife damages you. If I can pick up on this contradictory message, I'm sure your wife who lives with you is hearing this too.

Decide what you believe and own your feelings. Maybe she is a bad wife to you. I don't know. You live with her. How is she damaging you?

If you go around with the message that: "I'm devoted to my loving wife who is my reason for living and I can't stand her because she is not supportive of me . . . " you're not going to be considered very sincere. It's one or the other. You can't have it both ways. You're kind of not really making sense.

It is possible to say, "I love my wife, but I think our marriage has problems." But you've got to be more clear about that.

[moooo2u]

Originally Posted by ~Christina

The title of the thread ..... Yes that !

If you say " damn I had a lousy week at work ..... Okay I see nothing wrong, If its a daily or weekly thing? Well then you need to make changes... Process your feelings .. The fact is most people wind up in jobs that aren't what they want. Maybe look for a different job?

The statement " Another crappy week in a crappy life " <~~~ That is going to pull her into it...She will most likely feel that if you have a crappy life then you are happy about nothing , and that nothing will include her... So how can she continue to be supportive when shes in your life and your often saying you have a crappy life?

Resentment will build, she obviously she isn't going to want to hear or offer much support...How can you blame her if you look at this situation logically?

I do understand your feeling terrible and in a bad place emotionally.. Your T gave up on you ? Okay then you need a different T... You have many issues that Therapy can really help you with. ..

I remember about 5 years ago when I was diagnosed Bipolar and everything was a total train wreck, I felt I had no self worth , my esteem was not to be found... Hubby would come home from work everyday and ask how my day was and I would unload about how terrible it was and how I am really just hating life..... This went on for a few weeks .... My Husband stopped me one night and said ... Is your life so terrible that you hate everything?? I said Yes ( getting mad) he said , so you don't love me ? you don't love your daughter, you don't love your friends or your Dog ? Bam ,,, It hit me like a ton of bricks, I felt terrible. Yes hes my spouse but that doesn't mean hes is my personal verbal punching bag.

I decided that I had to make changes I learned ways in Therapy to understand how my outlook and negative things that I was just soaking in was toxic to my marriage.. I found friend here on PC that when I need to rant ,rave, moan and having bytchfit or a pity party to talk to, Because they are going to "get it "

Sure I still talk to my husband when I really need him to understand that I am in a bad spot and I need him to hug me , remind me things will improve/work out... But I don't lay it all on him. My friends here, My Therapist, talking to my dog, writing in a journal , start a blog , get it all out of your head , But you need to spread it around .

Thank you very much. Those are useful tips.

[Perna]

I think the only one we can do anything with or about is us. There are two things here, thinking: "another crappy day in a crappy life" and, expressing it.

We think what we think, we don't really have a lot of control there, at least not immediate control. If we feel bad we're probably going to think a lot of negative thoughts; the two -- thought and feeling are kind of entwined there in our heads. But, we can learn to and practice thinking before we speak express ourselves, do anything; looking at the bigger picture and seeing if we can work with what we're thinking to do the reframing you mention.

It is all right and natural to want other people's support, especially those close to us. But there are better or worse ways to get what we want? An example from my life:

I was about 20 and living at university but close enough to come home many weekends and live there during the summer, working at the same company my father did. I went into the kitchen and asked my stepmother, "What's for dinner?" Her response was, "If you were in here helping, you'd know!". My therapist and I worked on that one interaction, my therapist harping on it until I wanted to scream, and then I suddenly understood. My therapist maintained that my stepmother and I were "missing" each other with our communications. I was "greeting" her and felt pushed away and humiliated and my stepmother only heard and was hurt that I was thinking about my own stomach/desires and did not see that she was alone in the kitchen slaving away for the family and no one noticed or cared to offer to help.

What would you do differently if you could do the interaction over again? How better could you tell your wife that you were hurting and wanted some TLC?

If I could go back to 1970 and have my interaction back, I'd walk into the kitchen quietly, kiss my stepmother on the cheek and look around and see what I could help with (like she taught me). I'd start washing dishes/cleaning up behind her, or setting the table and/or ask, "Is there anything you especially want help with here? I'd look at my stepmother more carefully (with more "care") and see if she looked harried or angry or like she was enjoying herself instead of coming into the middle of the situation like a bumbling puppy. I am often so intent on what I am doing that I completely forget to take into consideration that other people are doing what they are doing and we are not yet "joined" in our actions? I "bump into" other people instead of "merging" with them? I don't acknowledge them and what they are doing; for all you know, your wife had a horrible time at the grocery store. I don't often do any, "I see you and am aware of you and will not run into you" behavior. Even, "Hi, Mom, do you want any help? What's for dinner?" would have been better.

When the shoe is on the other foot, when the other person appears to express concern, "she asked why. . ." then we have to be as clear as we can or we risk just sharing our pain instead of asking for comfort and understanding? Do you want other people to feel as badly as you feel or do you want to feel better? Responding, "another crappy day in a crappy life" doesn't do anything for you or the other person; it doesn't help or explain, it just craps on everyone.

If it were said to me I would be hurt (that the person did not share what was going on in their life with me but effectively just closed me out) and I, being part of that life, would feel crappy and ineffectual; I'm no good because not only will you not share your actual experiences and frustrations with me ("it was a particularly stressful day with a lot of people needing to be pleased at work and dogs needing to be walked and fed,etc.") but you don't expect me to be of any comfort or cheer to you, I'm just another piece of crap in your crappy life, "leave me alone to rummage through your grocery bags for food because personal interaction with you ain't as good as a fistful of cookies".

When all else fails, as much as it can hurt, look at the other person's reaction and see what it tells you about you? Did her reaction surprise you? You said she "understands" that it's not about her so there must be something else in what you said that you don't understand? When we don't get a reaction we want or are expecting, that is a great time to start a dialog and ask questions. "I'm sorry, it sounds like you're angry, can you tell me why?" "I'm sorry, I was just looking for a little commiseration; I did not mean to upset you too. I hope you didn't think I was saying our life together is crappy, work was just really bad."

Reframing is a great skill to not only learn but to practice so one gets good at it. It doesn't come naturally.

[moooo2u]

Originally Posted by avlady

Good for you for taking advice and constructive critisism>

thank's and I've had a chance to actually try to some of what people are saying and I think it was positive. tough to remember in the heat of the moment though but its just something I need to pay attention to like catching negative thinking and reframing it.

[moooo2u]

Originally Posted by Rose76

You are kind of talking out of both sides of your mouth. Your wife is not the problem. Then: Your wife is the problem, so much so that you might ought to think about ending the marriage. Which is it?

You want to get credit for so deeply valuing your wife and family that they are your only reason for living . . . . but you are, simultaneously whining about how your wife damages you. If I can pick up on this contradictory message, I'm sure your wife who lives with you is hearing this too.

Decide what you believe and own your feelings. Maybe she is a bad wife to you. I don't know. You live with her. How is she damaging you?

If you go around with the message that: "I'm devoted to my loving wife who is my reason for living and I can't stand her because she is not supportive of me . . . " you're not going to be considered very sincere. It's one or the other. You can't have it both ways. You're kind of not really making sense.

It is possible to say, "I love my wife, but I think our marriage has problems." But you've got to be more clear about that.

I guess I'll stop whining. That's probably the best advice. Happiness is a choice afterall.

Fortunately, you can vent here without offense. Most people understand.

[moooo2u]

a couple more thoughts
it seems that if a feeling is not conveyed in the correct manner it has no validity and that a person can be justified in invalidating your feeling and internalizing it and then using it against you because its become not about your feeling but how you made them feel by expressing your feeling? So their feeling is more important than your feeling?
I understand that long term exposure to negativity can begin to wear on a person and their beginning to not really care anymore about the cause of the problem but rather focus on the results of the problem.
So if I'm having a bad day and I say something that is a sweeping generalization, its ok for the person I'm looking for support from to interpret it in the worst possible way.
Is that a way to live life - having to ensure that everything you say is phrased exactly correctly so you get some validation?
This is actually one of the most dangerous things I've learned in therapy - that my feelings matter and that I should express them. Bullsh*t because apparently the caveat for that is "only express them in exactly the right way"
I agree with many of posters here that say that its important how things are phrased and I have followed through on the advice and while I don't think there was necessarily any benefit to me beyond not having a continued argument about what I said, at least there was that.
one of the things that I try to remember is to think outwardly and that's what I think a number of people here are trying to say but it just seems curious to me that I can't or shouldn't expect reciprocation.

[Rose76]

The idea that we should always express our feelings is appropriate for 3 year olds.

To say, "I feel crappy, and I've felt crappy for a long time." is an expression of feeling. Most people who have depression could say that, and it's not wrong to say that. But to say, "My life is crappy." sounds like you are complaining that life cheated you . . . that you didn't get decent chances at happiness.

As someone who suffers from chronically recurring depression, I know what it is to feel low. I have learned that me feeling bad has more to do with problems in the way I approach life than with life giving me rotten breaks.

I know someone who is always in a mess. He says, "If I didn't have bad luck, I'ld have no luck at all." His luck has been no worse than the next person's. But he will always be in a mess because he will always see himself as a victim who is having a crappy life. There is no hope for someone like that.

[hvert]

It sounds like you want/need to vent, but your wife is not a good venting partner. I would just accept that she is not a person you should vent to. You are not going to get satisfaction from it and it's just going to cause more problems in the long run.

I agree with Rose that we don't always need to express our feelings. Talking about certain feelings actually makes them worse -- if you are angry or frustrated and start talking about your anger or frustration, rather than feeling relieved, most people just feel angrier and more frustrated.

We all come home some days and want to complain about the driver who cut us off or the jerky coworker. It's normal. Your wife seems to take it a bit personally, so perhaps it is easier to just remember that and not make those sorts of comments to her. Instead of looking for her to support, look to her as being someone you can find relief with, someone who is completely separate from your problems and frustrations with work.

[A Red Panda]

It isn't that you can't/shouldn't share your feelings, but it's about the overwhelming feelings you're causing in your wife.

It's not very 50/50 if you can vent to your wife but she can't express her upset about how you are making her feel. It's sort of how things go - one thing leads to the next. It doesn't make what you feel invalid, or less important. And no relationship will ever be exactly 50/50 - there will always be times where it's predominately focused on one partner and then the other.

Is complaining at your wife the only way that you vent? Do you do anything more constructive, or confide in others? If you are only dumping everything on your wife then that isn't very fair to her, because you'd be spending all your time sharing negatives and not positives with each other.

And the problem here with your sweeping generalizations is the fact that it's been wearing at your wife for a long time. It isn't like it's the first time you're saying something really negative - when you first started feeling like this all the time she was (probably) quite supportive, or at least more supportive than she is now. But it's a pattern, and you are probably making your crappy life into a crappy life for her too.

Like...

I'm single, so I am going to use friends and exes as examples. When I'm stuck in a depression or am dealing with way too much stress, I never, ever, rely on just one person. I know that dumping everything on one person is going to overwhelm them (and has!) and that when it happens they aren't really ever getting any of the good-me. It always starts out with them being really supportive because that is what friends are for. No one (at least not anyone that I considered to actually be a good friend) has ever gotten upset with me or made the conversation all about them. But if it becomes consistent and essentially the standard tone of the friendship, eventually they're going to start feel like I'm using them and get overwhelmed at their inability to help and will leave.

It's all about balance really, and right now you and your wife don't have much balance at all.

ETA: (hit send too soon).

I've also had the opposite, where someone used me as their dumping ground allllll the time. I wanted to help, I really did. I cared about them. But eventually things became a pattern and I didn't really exist in their life for anything but as someone to vent to and get help/sympathy from. I wasn't in the friendship/relationship at all - I was just the receptacle. For my own health I eventually have to leave those friendships because they become toxic - if I expressed myself at all I would be guilted or blamed or something. It wasn't fun. It would get to the point where I didn't feel like I could share anything happy in my life - or anything negative. Everything had to be about them and how miserable they were. They really aren't fun relationships/friendships to be in. You watch someone you care about digging themselves into a hole, and it gets to the point where you have to either leave or give up having any equality.

[lizardlady]

I've also had the opposite, where someone used me as their dumping ground allllll the time. I wanted to help, I really did. I cared about them. But eventually things became a pattern and I didn't really exist in their life for anything but as someone to vent to and get help/sympathy from. I wasn't in the friendship/relationship at all - I was just the receptacle. For my own health I eventually have to leave those friendships because they become toxic - if I expressed myself at all I would be guilted or blamed or something. It wasn't fun. It would get to the point where I didn't feel like I could share anything happy in my life - or anything negative. Everything had to be about them and how miserable they were. They really aren't fun relationships/friendships to be in. You watch someone you care about digging themselves into a hole, and it gets to the point where you have to either leave or give up having any equality.

Red Panda, I am currently in this sort of relationship with a friend. I am seriously reassessing the relationship. It drains me, which is not healthy for me.

I understand that long term exposure to negativity can begin to wear on a person and their beginning to not really care anymore about the cause of the problem but rather focus on the results of the problem.
So if I'm having a bad day and I say something that is a sweeping generalization, its ok for the person I'm looking for support from to interpret it in the worst possible way.
Is that a way to live life - having to ensure that everything you say is phrased exactly correctly so you get some validation?

Can I reframe what you said here? I've struggled with depression most of my life so I understand the world looking very negative. It helped me to catch myself before I made those sweeping negative comments, not to seek validation from the other person but to impact my own world view. If I think I have a crappy life, then my life is going to feel crappy to me. If I think "this was a crappy day" it allows me to acknowledge the day sucked, but was not my entire life.

Having said that, my father was someone who did not see the glass as half full or half empty. For him the glass was smashed to pieces on the floor. It was exhausting to live with. And I'll admit, after years of listening to it I just stopped listening. Mayhaps your wife is worn out by you making negative comments.

One last thought that no one else has brought up, could it be your wife also had a crappy day and was not in a place mentally or emotionally to deal with your crappy day too?

[moooo2u]

Originally Posted by Rose76

The idea that we should always express our feelings is appropriate for 3 year olds.

you can never read "tone" in an email or post but a lot of what you write tends to piss me off and its not because you are not agreeeing with me - many people here are not - it just seems that you intentionally try to be insulting in this and your previous post. maybe its some sort of misdirected "tough love" approach or your idea of honesty. I don't know. maybe you're just a negative person.

So one should not express their feelings? Really? We should just suppress our emotions? That's what I've been doing for many many years and seems to be the wrong thing to do - or so others who's job it is to know are telling me. Should one "always" express their emotions - probably not but that's not what I said, now is it?

[moooo2u]

I'd like to thank everyone for their thoughtful input (well most everyone). Its tough to paint a complete picture of what's going on here and what's been going on for years so within the context that I've provided, I think many of the people have provided some really useful information and tips and like I've said, I've already been able to put some into practice.
I also disagree with some of what I've seen here but will still consider why I disagree with it. Is it because I don't want to hear it or the I believe you don't have the complete picture or that I feel that it based on societal biases. I think all of this is in the mix.

[moooo2u]

Originally Posted by lizardlady

If I think I have a crappy life, then my life is going to feel crappy to me. If I think "this was a crappy day" it allows me to acknowledge the day sucked, but was not my entire life.

Having said that, my father was someone who did not see the glass as half full or half empty. For him the glass was smashed to pieces on the floor. It was exhausting to live with. And I'll admit, after years of listening to it I just stopped listening. Mayhaps your wife is worn out by you making negative comments.

One last thought that no one else has brought up, could it be your wife also had a crappy day and was not in a place mentally or emotionally to deal with your crappy day too?[/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT]

certainly she could have had a bad day - and she's on our school board so she has many - and you know what, I listen to every detail of it. no one, not even my wife, will ever say that I was not there for her (in fact, she will publicly acknowledge that I am always there for her).

others have mentioned balance and that's certainly a problem. there is a lack of balance.

at the end of the day, however, I can only fix me but I have to also remember that what is "wong" with me might not necessarily be what I've been told its been or believed its been for years. that's sort of what therapy woke up in me. That I am a good person who is caring and empathetic and responsible and that I am not always the problem and that I am valuable. My therapist once asked me "why do you think you are worthless" and what immediately popped into my head "well, because I am" - despite me knowing that this is absolutely not the truth. I have great kids, and a job that while I hate it, I do it quite well and have a built a large team of people that I believe respect me and that do tremendous work. so I am far from worthless and yet that thought pervades my daily life.

so if there is any balance to be adjusted, I can only adjust it on my end and that's what I'm trying to do. that effort of trying to take some of myself back however means that something on the other end gets pushed off. people don't like that when they've become used to certain things and see things starting to change. what's a positive change for me may not be a positive change for others.

one of the things that I'm trying to catch and reframe or acknowledge in addition to negative thinking is I'm trying to notice every time I do something considering what people will think of me. what I've seen is that I basically do things by putting my needs on the backburner and doing what other people need me to do and constantly worrying about what people will think of me and not wanting them to think negatively of me. that I see is my core problem for decades and hence the notion of trying to think outwardly rather than focusing internally

and this entire post is probably just in that context - to try to explain so people don't think negatively of me. you can call that whining or being a 3 year old or whatever but its what I'm working on.

how does any of what I said above actually relate to my original topic - I'm not even sure but I do know that I've been wasting a lot of time writing this that I should have been working on things around the house. I suppose I should try to tie in back into the original topic though. hmmmm.... its really all about balance, I guess. I have a list I try to read every morning - affirmations sort of but also reminders and Balance, Focus, Breathe, Be is one of the lines on that list.

[Rose76]

I was in a partial hospitalization program that really helped me after a bad bout of depression. What I found most helpful was that my peers gave me some candid feedback about how I was coming across that was not very flattering feedback. They were helpful because I came to see that they were on my side and wanted me to get well. I came to see that they could object to something I said and it didn't mean they were totally rejecting me. That was a huge thing for me to learn. I will always be grateful for the emotional support they lent me.

At that program there was a sign on the wall that said the following: "What other people think of you is none of your business." I had to reflect on that for a time to understand it. Now I think it is one of the best pieces of advice I've ever gotten.

I can't worry about what other people think. Of course, I want to be liked, and I just love it went I get feedback from others that is complementary. But I tell myself that what they think is their own business. If they express an opinion out loud of me or my behavior, then I have a right to evaluate the validity of what they express. If I think they've said something unfair, I have a right to express that too. If it seems they've uttered an opinion based on a misperception of me or my intentions, I can choose to try and influence them to change their misperception. Sometimes I do, sometimes I really don't care and they can think whatever they like.

When I sit around thinking, "Okay, let me see, if I can figure out in my head what is going on in their head." I am probably making a poor use of my time. Oh, I still do it, like we all do at times, but I try to tell myself that I could be using my brain in a more productive way.

[AngstyLady]

Ok, so the fact that your wife makes everything about her and makes you feel bad for expressing your feelings instead of being supportive seems like a red flag to me that she's a manipulative narcissistic and/or psychopath and that you need to stay away from her negative input- you deserve to be with someone who loves you unconditionally and with whom you feel comfortable to be yourself instead of feeling like you're walking on eggshells. I've been there. good luck.

[Parley]

Me personally~ I hate grocery shopping and if my husband was going through my stress bags complaining about his crappy life, I'd be offended. I don't have a crappy life and thankfully my husband feels the same. It would suck to go home to a crappy life.

Maybe you do have a crappy life~ maybe your wife does as well and prefers to stay in denial. Hopefully, you can find someone to validate your crappy life or help you see things differently. Whatever the case may be.