[carrey.on]

Hello guys. I think I need some help.
I'll try to explain things even though I am confused. So I met this guy about 4 years ago online. We talked a lot, we shared, I was actually the person who taught him to share. He is from the US and I'm from Europe so we haven't met. We have had countless camera talks on Skype and we have been texting for years. I had a boyfriend for a short period in the beginning, he broke up with me and this guy helped me get through it. We had a short period when we sexted. Then I met my current boyfriend of almost 3 years. We kept our friendship, he would always share things about his love life and I'd give him advice, he used to help me when I was feeling down and vice versa. He has depression that I would always try to help with. When I met him he was in a very bad place but he got better in time. He is now very busy working a lot. We both are actually. But he uses it as an excuse to not talk to me.
About a year ago he said he was in love with me. He always used to say things like I am his dream girl or that he loves me but I never took it seriously. He is an amazing person and even though there are some things about him that I don't like and things we don't agree on I love him so much. when he said he loved me I gave in a little. I let him talk to me the way we used to when I didn't have a boyfriend. I got drunk once and we sexted again. I feel terrible about this because I do love my boyfriend. But I wanted to be with him. He started becoming distant because I once said I can't do that to my boyfriend. We would talk less. Well he would, I'd still rant about stuff in emails as previously. He talks to me once every 2 weeks with a few sentences.
I miss him. But this has no future. When I talk to him I forget everything else. If we were in the same country we would have gotten together in the beginning. I know that. But we are not. And I have no intentions to relocate where he is. He doesn't ether. I want to keep him at least as a friend. But I'm hurt. And confused. I'm going to the US as a childhood friend of mine invited me this summer. But he doesn't seem to care. We could meet but we probably won't and that's killing me. I had a period of a few months when me and my boyfriend broke up recently. He didn't seem to care. He didn't try anything and he said he likes being alone. I think his feelings for me are gone and that hurts a lot. I also feel like a horrible person about wanting to be with him as I have a loving boyfriend that I care about. I am trying to stop talking to him, he never initiates a conversation anyway but I really don't want to. When I tell him all that he just ignores me. I don't know what to think or do. I would appreciate your opinions. When I share this to friends they just judge me and that makes me feel even more worthless. I know it's not a serious issue but it has been going on for a while and I feel terrible. I care a lot.
Thank you in advance.

[pegasus]

Hello carrey.on, welcome to Psych Central.

I am sorry you are so torn, the thing is, is that you have said above that you have no intention of relocating. That means, that this relationship cannot really go any further. It also sounds like he has moved on from the relationship, where as you still have feeling for him, it doesn't work when it is lopsided like that. You have a boyfriend that loves you, are you happy with that relationship? I think you have a lot to think about, there is no judgement here, it's up to you to figure out.

[healingme4me]

carrey.on,

No judgement here, either. It's tough, forming a distance relationship, and one that isn't face to face, even tougher.

I've learned, of myself, that such relationships serve as safe relationships.

One thing, I do ask myself, when interacting with men online, does this take value away from my relationship, are there any lingering what ifs, and does this detract from quality time spent. If I can take an honest personal assessment, then I feel alright about interaction(s). If I come up short on those answers, then I take a look at the relationship. What's gone missing, is a question I'd ask, and can it be resolved is another.



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[carrey.on]

Thank you both. I think I needed to hear this. Sometimes you know something but you need to see it from a different perspective to actually realize it.
As for my relationship with my boyfriend, it's not perfect but I'm mostly the reason for that. Especially for the past year with all that insecurity. I think I used this long distance friendship, if it was a friendship to begin with, to try and escape everything in my life that wasn't perfect. My life changed a lot in the past year. I used to be scared and insecure about my future. Now I have plans, a well paid job and a tight schedule which makes me feel good. So by this logic I would expect to stop caring about him. But I guess I need some more time. Or I'm searching for the wrong reasons. Whatever happened happened. Once a person moves on there's not much to do.
Anyway, I am extremely grateful for your answers, truly. I hope I get over it soon. I'll do my best.

[healingme4me]

A friendship of that magnitude that's strictly online, isn't easy to forget nor move away from. Still comes with its own grieving process. There's something to be learned, I've found, in the baring of ones inner self, because reality is, what's typed out, is substantially more than what's spoken . It shapes rl interactions, in my experience.
Be gentle. It's ok to mourn the loss.

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