[she.will.b24]

I hope this is the right place to post for this. It's got nothing to do with my husband, which I know is my main relationship, but the person it does deal with is "family". I say that with quotations because I don't (can't/won't) consider her family.
Anyway. I've struggled with this person from very early on in my relationship with my husband. We (my husband, her husband (my husband's brother), she and I) had to cohabitate for a while and from the moment I moved in, things got weird. I shouldn't say we had to, but for simplicity sake I'll leave it at that.
I think our issues stem from our husband's issues, as bad as it sounds. They've gotten better, but when I came around they hated each other. I was warned about that ahead of time from other family members, so I knew there were issues. I knew things would be weird from the get go, but I feel that for some reason she's(the object of this post) had something against me from day one. It started with an empty milk carton and dirty dishes and has just gone downhill from there.
We had what I've heard considered a "come to Jesus" meeting, which, surprisingly, helped for a while. I've kept my guard up regarding anything to do with her or her husband though, which may be some of our issue.
Recently though, we had a huge blowout. Supposedly I crossed a line by communicating with her husband's ex wife about their kids, and things just spiraled. I told her the only reason I've been civil with them is because of the kids, and she told me I tore her family apart. We weren't nice to each other and both got defensive.
I know this is one sided, but I did apologize multiple times. Both for upsetting them initially and for coming across as rude during said conversation. Unfortunately after my last apology, the discussion went downhill again, which is when I was told I tore their family apart. When I had finally had enough I told her I was stepping out of the conversation and that I wouldn't let her make those kind of accusations toward me.
Up until yesterday, we hadn't spoken. She sent me a message asking if I would babysit for her next week. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't appalled at the request. I mean, I love my nieces and nephews, and I love spending time with them. But to ask me to do a favor without so much as trying to make amends? That's what I'm struggling with...

Sorry this is a huge rant post, and it's a serious issue for me. I hope it all flows together and makes sense. It's hard to type out every detail.

[kaliope]

i understand the anger and frustration you are feeling and that an amends is probably in order, but i think it may have taken a lot for her to ask you to babysit if you havent spoken for a while. you are probably the last person on earth she wanted to ask so i would take that as an olive branch in a way. you could be the bigger person and rise above and just accept it to get this fued over with. i may be entirely off base cause maybe she is the type who would just take advantage of people by dumping burdens on them but i dont have the informaiton to determine that. take care.

[she.will.b24]

I actually thought that may have been her way of making amends, but when I took a while to answer her she said she could find someone else. Then when I was honest with her about how I felt about it, she said she figured I felt that way and that "she wants a friendship I don't want" and that she'd find someone else. From my point of view, she is the kind of person to dump her responsibilities on other people. The year I lived with her, my mother in law took care of her child more than she did and she was a stay at home mom. I guess my point is that I feel that I've reached a point where I either need to figure out how to let go, or cut her out. And I'm not sure how to do either without coming across as either weak or an ***.

[Ladys1963]

Originally Posted by she.will.b24

I actually thought that may have been her way of making amends, but when I took a while to answer her she said she could find someone else. Then when I was honest with her about how I felt about it, she said she figured I felt that way and that "she wants a friendship I don't want" and that she'd find someone else. From my point of view, she is the kind of person to dump her responsibilities on other people. The year I lived with her, my mother in law took care of her child more than she did and she was a stay at home mom. I guess my point is that I feel that I've reached a point where I either need to figure out how to let go, or cut her out. And I'm not sure how to do either without coming across as either weak or an ***.

I so hear you! There are a few questions that I have. How does your husband feel about this? Does it bother him? Does it bother other family members? Do you often have family get togethers in which you will have to see this person on a regular basis?
First, I want to say that I have had two situations in my life like you describe. First, with my mother in law. After my divorce, my second, my boyfriends daughter. The questions above are important because it is important to realize that usually in a family, these situations involve more that just you. It is important to factor in family members feelings as they are not going anywhere unless you divorce, leave etc...
It is so unhealthy to have toxic relationships that you continually have to interact in.
My advice, I would head for higher ground. I would be polite, and NOT ENGAGE. Your actions should not be governed by their actions. Do the right thing with as little as possible interaction. Believe it or not, they soon get the point that you want nothing to do with them. Most people are seeking a response. If the door never opens, they do stop knocking. They may mention you to other people but at least the emotional roller coaster does not involve you anymore. Best of luck with this. This is so hard I know. Remember, life is short, savor every moment because we never know how long we have. Trust me, I was diagnosed with an incredibly aggressive breast cancer. It totally got my priorities in the right order ASAP. Nurture your own emotional health because no one else will do it for you.
Best of luck and have an awesome day!

[Rose76]

Just be polite and avoid unnecessary involvement with her. It's not up to you to "cut her out." She is part of your husband's family. It's his right to have the degree of involvement with his brother and this brother's wife that he wants. Just stay on the sidelines. Keep your guard up, like you've been doing. Let things calm down. Be real glad that you are not living with her anymore.

[JJBX]

I wouldn't babysit for her and I don't think it was brave for her to ask you. I think she might just be really delusional. I don't really get why it was necessary for you to apologize to her for taking to your former sister-in-law. That makes no sense. She sounds like a lot of drama. I would not even want to deal with her.

[avlady]

i agree withJJBX

[she.will.b24]

To answer a few questions and address other issues, 1- My husband doesn't care for her much either and is fine with, basically, cutting ties. 2- I have thought about the family's feelings on the matter. I have remained civil for my kids, their kids, and my mother-in-law (whom, as far as I'm aware, are the only ones truly affected). I have chosen to keep my mouth shut in order to maintain a relationship I'm not fond of so as to not involve/hurt others. However, there comes a point when I have to be honest about my feelings/stand up for myself when I'm being knocked down. This was that point for me. I've become so stressed and sick from holding things in that it has become necessary for me to let it out. I can and do talk to my husband about it all and he only feels the same way I do and isn't able to offer anything other than support for how I feel things should be handled. He's wanted to say something from the beginning, but hasn't because the issue was solely between she and me, and I asked him not to (until recently). I am fine with being civil because, 3- the family is tight knit and we will have to be around them on many occasions. By civil, I mean being in decently close proximity without yelling/punching matches. << I'll explain that in minute. 4- The kid's mom was estranged before I came around. I've seen and talked to her many times though, because of our kids activities. I have her contact information because of a misunderstanding last year that I felt compelled to clear up, and have only used it twice, only regarding the kids. That particular issue is between her and my husband's brother, and I choose to believe his anger is more because of their issues than my actions.
All of this leads me to explain how things have, thus far, ended up. My mother-in-laws sister was in town this last week and she planned a family get together so everyone would have the chance to see her. Because of this situation, I was on edge the moment my husband's brother and family walked through the door. My husband and I talked and decided we needed to do our best to put on a face and try to just ignore them and have fun. They didn't realize that hes upset with them though, because my husband put off trying to have a conversation with his brother in hopes of avoiding a confrontation at this party. So it was annoying to us both that they were trying to be buddies with him while shunning me, but we pushed through. As the night went on I realized my resentment had mostly faded regarding the wife, when I noticed her making feeble attempts to interact with me and that I wasn't entirely aggravated. Toward the end of the party I noticed she was outside talking to visiting aunt (MILs sister), and I thought through my mindset and decided, since she wasn't surrounded, that I could try to talk things out. And we were fine. Disagreeing, but fine. Visiting aunt layed into me though, about my thoughts on being civil. The rumor is, that I told brother and wife that I don't want to be friends. Those weren't my words, but because it's true, I'm not fighting to defend. Aunt took that as a personal attack against her and the rest of the family and told me that I should never say that I don't need family. It was much worse than that but that was the basics. Brothers wife disappeared during all of this yelling and my husband came out (with the rest of the family following) to see his aunt hovering over me screaming while I'm kneeling down in tears. He yelled at her to stop yelling at me and his brother stepped in to yell at him to stop yelling at "his aunt". My husband yelled something back in my defense, and that led to a brawl. Everything happened so fast that I barely remember what led to what, but I had decided beforehand that if things got physical(this is now the 4th time his brother has put his hands on him, so it's something we've come to expect when things are bad),I wasn't going to just watch. I'm little, and that was a stupid decision, but my decision regardless. I remember trying to separate his brother from him (along with 3 guys), and the next thing I know I'm on the ground. I later found out that his brother had shoved me down. I don't remember if the fight kept going or not, I was pretty shaken and went in the house. I made the mistake of trying to separate my mother in law from my husband on my way in, which ended with her getting hurt, but thankfully we've talked things through and she's extremely understanding and forgiving.<< I bring that up because I know I'm not entirely innocent. That all being said, my husband is livid and we haven't heard from his brother or his wife since.
We've decided that, due to the fact that his brother has made it clear he doesn't care who he hurts when he's angry (not only did I get hurt, my husband got a bloody nose, and all 3 of the others involved ended up wounded. One even to the point of x-rays), he is no longer allowed to be around our kids without supervision. And that we are stepping back as much as we can. I've told my husband that regardless of what ends up being said, or what a situation brings up when we have to be around them, that we need to walk away. As someone mentioned, to not engage. If we have to physically leave, so be it.
But the whole situation has got me frustrated. There's no reason any of that needed to happen. I realize there is no taking it back, but I'm angry that things got that far.