[Redbadger]

relationship anxiety

I've been in a relationship now for 5 months. I'm crazy about her, she's beautiful and caring and all I want in a partner. The problem is I'm so incredibly anxious. It's caused noticeable weight loss in me and I'm stressed often. When I'm with her I feel great, when I'm not I'm jealous, incredibly insecure and stressed generally. The trouble is that I'm convinced it's in my head but I'm struggling to cope. I'm convinced guys are after her even though there are no signs other than guys liking her Facebook pics and such. Part of the problem I believe is that she has lots of male friends. Some she has dated previously. Since we started seeing each other we have had an 'open and honest' policy. Shortly after our second date she told me about a sex buddy she had while single. She said it was like a contract almost, when one finds a partner they stop. He is 22 years younger than her. After me and her started dating he got in touch a couple of times to go for coffee. She said no. She told me this.
I should explain that in a previous relationship I acted very badly, I cheated on my girlfriend twice. After it came out we tried working through it but it was always there and the relationship ended. Cut to 4 months later and I met the girl I'm with now. I know how bad I was previously and I've been doing everything to make this work. She knows about my past but says she'll take me as she finds me and unless I wrong her in any way we are good. I don't know if the guilt of what I did is transferring to my new relationship or what.
The problem mainly is that I'm convinced she'll cheat on me. Even though she's never cheated before and I'm the one with the cheating past. I've talked through my anxiety and concerns with her. She says I need to understand it's in my head. I also need to stop stressing as it's affects us both. This weekend she has gone to a festival with friends, male and female. She may have to share a bed with one of them. She doesn't see the problem, "they are just friends and we are clothed". I'm stressed about it obviously.
I worry I'm too short, too plain, not wealthy enough, too old. She's 47 and has been in 2 relationships with guys in their 20s. We even talked about possibly having a child in the near future and quite possibly me lodging with her as it's too soon to live together officially. I'm 43 and living with my parents these last 4 years after my son's mom kept our house. I believe the fact I'm with parents adds to my inadequacy

[CANDC]

Welcome to Psych Central (PC) Redbadger. Sorry you are having relationship issues.

Some people at PC will find a therapist will help them if talking is one way you naturally work things out. Meeting people here at PC has helped me also.

Some people find the forums give them the compassion and empathy they seek. http://forums.psychcentral.com

There are articles that go into more detail about coping
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[insertname]

Hello, I see two problems, and one really good thing.

Really good thing - you know it's all in your head. Knowing this and being aware of it is what's going to stop you from letting it affect you or the relationships too much. You're in exactly the right place to be able to deal with this

Problems:
1) You are projecting your own feelings. You know you cheated, so why wouldn't someone else cheat on you? It sounds like this is what's going on in your mind. I've been the same in a relationship before where I knew I wasn't completely into it and I knew I compared my boyfriend negatively against my ex and felt very disappointed in what I had, so I assumed he was doing the same. But it's all in your head. Just because you cheated, doesn't mean someone will cheat on you.

2) You are comparing yourself badly with others. This is the biggest problem. Learn to see yourself as equal to others and as valuable in your own right. The easiest way to do this is to recognise that it is simply a fact you are 'good enough', accept that you will still (erroneously) think you're not good enough, then notice those thoughts when they come up and remind yourself they are just thoughts and are not reality. Self-esteem, unfortunately, is nigh impossible to change as it's very deeply embedded. Instead of trying to increase my self esteem, I have found it more useful to accept that I do have low self esteem and that it will affect me somewhat (but hey, no one's perfect and we all have our crosses etc). Just accepting that you have low self esteem and that you will be disturbed by thoughts that do not reflect reality can be enormously helpful, because you learn to discern between your thoughts. If you have a thought that compares you with another or says something negative about you, you can learn to recognise that it is just a thought and not to be listened to. You stop letting it affect you, is what I mean. Although CBT professionals would disagree with me here, I would encourage you not to try and fight the thoughts - i.e. if you think you're no good, don't start trying to prove to yourself that you are (even through a dialogue in your head). This only makes things worse. Don't challenge the thoughts and anxiety, just accept they are there and that you can cope just fine anyway.

Hope this helps.

[kaliope]

hi redbadger
it is incredible how much we can mind **** ourselves. the key is using that positive self talk to counter act it over and over. it makes for a busy head but evenutally it becomes automatic. another trick i have learned in a mindfulness technique. i have a door at the front of my brain where the thoughts come in and one at the back where they go out. when unwanted thoughts come in, i notice them for what they are and then they are escorted right on out the back door. i do not give them any energy except to send them on thru out the back door. i do not dwell or become emotionall attached. just send them on thru. this has really helped me get rid of unwanted thoughts. welcome to psych central. you will find we have several forums where you can post about your concerns and receive feedback from other members. you will get a lot of support here. again, welcome

[Redbadger]

Thank you for your replies. I do find myself realising that many of the thoughts I have are nonsense and dismissing them as best I can. I do still find myself wallowing in despair and in turn getting stressed and even passing that on to my partner. She is understanding but I am aware I will push her away unless I can take control. The thing is I doubt it would feel any different with anyone else. I feel that I must combat these feelings for the sake of any future relationship I am in

[Ruftin]

Hello and welcome to Psych Central Redbadger!!! It's so nice to meet you. You have joined a community of warm and caring members who will want to offer you support and advice. Please feel free to contact any community liaison or moderator if you need help navigating the forums. I look forward to seeing you around!!!