How to reject without things turning sour?

This often happens to me. I make friends with a guy. We talk. After some time the guy confesses feelings or wants to be closer to me in that way. I say I'm not comfortable. They get hurt. They leave for a bit. They come back and apologize. I say it's not a problem. But things are continuously awkward. So we end up not talking much if ever. Then a couple months later, I'll get some angry email or confession that I am a terrible friend because I've ignored them. And that I don't really care. To which the behavior is so off-putting that I start to even dread seeing this person's name in my inbox or online because I know they are disappointed in me for not following through and being a "good friend."

Any thoughts or suggestions on how to deal with this?

I really do not wish to be in a relationship. And somehow once I associate certain people as being interested in me, I completely shut them off so that they don't become further interested.

What hurts most is they tell me how awful I am for not being a friend to them.

Hi connect.the.stars

This can be a difficult situation to manage.

I believe that you certainly did make your intentions to this person clear the moment they started to confess their feelings to you, which is an honest thing for you to have done.

You're looking at some suggestions.

One might be to be upfront (if you aren't already this is) and from the start let them know you're not looking for a relationship thing, if this is what you feel, so at least you've "put it out there".

You're a likable person and I can see how you would make friends quite easily.

I guess its hard really when they really like you for them to just "shut off" initially after they've started to feel some feelings towards you.

Well the email months later does not really make much sense in my opinion.

This is because even if this was a "friend" relationship well a relationship takes two people to make it work .... so where during this long duration was the person on the other end who was not keeping contact, if this is what they wanted? I'm just thinking that this works two ways really.

What is a good friend?

You were honest the moment you realised your friend may be developing feelings towards you.

If it's not something you want to get worked up about .... you could always consider the option of blocking them from your email if they harrass you months later about lack of contact and this does not make you feel comfortable .... although I can understand that this option may be challenging ...... if you want to remain friends

Well you are not awful for not wanting a relationship.

This is where you are at.

You're honest.

You can't change what you need in your life right now.

They are just disappointed really which is probably why they resort to calling you awful. Which isn't right.

Hang in there.

I am wondering if that seems to be an issue for you then why don't you make friends with ladies? Why guys all the time? Unless you like this tension and drama I am suggesting spend more time with girlfriends.

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I am wondering if that seems to be an issue for you then why don't you make friends with ladies? Why guys all the time? Unless you like this tension and drama I am suggesting spend more time with girlfriends. If these guys eventually want more which is perfectly normal then perhaps focusing on female friendships is the



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Divine, almost all my closest friends are girls. I don't have many guy friends for a reason. I'm not trying to make friends with a ton of guys. This is just a reoccurring pattern I noticed. And no, I do not like drama. Which is why I stop talking to them. I'm asking for advice to reject them. Not remain friends.

Thanks Hooligan. Some answers to your questions about the email ordeal. I only briefly met him about two weeks before I graduated college. This person was my neighbor in my apartment complex. I happened to be returning from class one day when I noticed this fellow standing outside his door looking VERY sad. So I offered him a piece of chocolate. Then he knocks on my door a couple days later with some donuts as a thank you. I thought that was kind of him, so I let him in for some tea. Somehow it turns into a therapy session for him. Later he leaves and thanks me. But after graduation, we move back to our hometowns. So he asked for my email to stay in touch. He kept emailing me LONG ESSAYS of how horrible his days were or things he wanted advice on. He told me how he is socially awkward. How he has almost no friends. And that he was SO HAPPY I would be his friend. Then the whole business where I told him I'm not interested in being in a relationship came up and I think he was very hurt. So he stopped talking for a bit. Then comes back saying he has a lot of stuff to focus on and he can't speak to me for three months.

So long story short, this angry email I'm getting is because I stopped all contact with him after he wanted to stop contacting me. I tried to help him. And it felt like a slap in the face for him to imply that I am only needed around if I am a potential romantic partner.

I guess I should have named this thread better. I'm not trying to stay friends with this person. Just wanted some explanations for why this often so-called drama happens when I am not looking for it, and how to avoid it next time.

Is it from being too nice to people? Then when I try to say "no" they take it really personally? I hate feeling guilt tripped into putting in more effort because they imply I am the bad guy.

The gift of donuts turned into a therapy session in your apartment with someone that you did not know. This makes wonder if your boundaries with new people are unhealthy, too porous.

Bill3, yes that is good insight. I do tend to be nice to everyone even strangers because I don't want them to lose faith in humanity. There are many people who feel lost and alone in this world and it doesn't help when everyone they meet shuns them or gives up on them. I hate giving up on people. And I don't like to abandon someone who is asking for my help.

When helping others, self-care is very important. Maybe there are ways that you can help others, but limit it so that you are still taking care of yourself as well.

In this situation, for example, he might consider you mean because he felt very very close at first and then felt less close, like you decided to pull away from him. Perhaps less closeness up front would have protected you from dealing with him being upset now.

And also realize that it is very difficult to help someone when you dread hearing from them. If you could better manage your boundaries, things might not get to that point and you could continue to help them while maintaining healthy boundaries.

Maybe you are speaking to the wrong sort of fellows. Most men just put it down to the delightful contrariness of women and say, close escape that, well plenty more fish in the sea, and tastier ones too, now where is my special aftershave...

I would not worry too much about being firm, they will just have to get used to it.

Ok, so it's kind of like I am leading them on. Of course they would get mad at me.

I am very mean for doing that.

Feeling so much shame.

I don't know how to respond to the email.

Duplicate

I was trying to say that perhaps since every man you want to be friends with wants more just stir away from male friends. They might not understand you just want to be friends. I don't want to be mean but perhaps you lead them on somewhat.

Most men I've met don't want to be just friends. I have male friends. But they mostly married ( I know their wives) or they are my exes with whom it didn't work out to have relationship.

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What if you do not respond at all?

Doesn't that make me bad?

How is it bad to not respond to someone who made you feel like you were slapped in the face, said they did not want contact, and then months later sent you a hurtful email?

It is okay to not want to be friends with him and it is okay to ignore hurtful emails.

Because all he wants is a friend ... he's only acting this way because nobody ever gives him a chance.

But you did in fact give him a chance already.

Here are two different scenarios. Which appeals to you better? Or, better yet, after looking at these two scenarios, describe the scenario that you want to see in your life with regard to him.

1. You tried to be friends with him and now you dread hearing from him. You don't want to be in touch with him at all anymore. It is time for him to try other people.

2. You are willing to be friends, but not in a relationship and not as a de facto therapist. You tell him that and see how he responds.

You are definitely not mean and not bad and you have no reason to be ashamed. You are a really nice person for wanting to help a lonely depressed person. Most people don't give a damn.

But really, you don't have to continue being friends with someone if he is making you feel uncomfortable. Just let him know how you feel.

That's what he may think, but it's more likely that people do give him chances and he doesn't use them wisely. You were there for him and he took advantage of your kindness by dumping out his frustrations on you, making unwanted romantic advances, and then getting hostile when his attempts were rebuffed.

When was he a good friend to you? He is very concerned with how you treat him but he seems to have no care for how he treats you.

I wouldn't even bother getting into all of that with him, personally. You tried to be there for him but he did not want to accept what you were offering. It is entirely okay not to respond to his messages.

Thanks everyone, I appreciate all the responses and suggestions.

I thought about it for a while and finally decided to not respond and to block his email.

The mere thought of even drafting a reply just filled me with dread and I couldn't focus on work the whole day. I don't need this right now. And he doesn't need a fake friend who can't be there for him.

It sounds like you were feeling sorry for this man and befriended him to "help" him. He took your kindness as a real interest in him and then, when he tried to get closer you pushed back. He is very hurt and expresses the hurt as being mad with you. If that is the case and you have no interest in thjs man I wonder why you took up with him in the first place? My advice is not to get involved with someone out of pity. Or, maybe you didn't for that reason? Maybe you liked him a little? Even I am confused. Poor guy had his feelings hurt. I would suggest sending him a reply email and tell him that you are sorry but you have a full life with many friends and do not have the proper amount of time to invest in another friendship. This will put an end to things on your side rather than just walking away without a word. It's just a suggestion of course. I never liked it when a man just cut me off and left me hanging, it took me much longer to get past the hurt when that happened.

No I had no interest whatsoever. I'm sorry for confusing you. I actually don't have a full life or a lot of friends. You're right though I shouldn't try to help out of pity, it's just that he was exploding with needing to talk to someone and I happened to be there to lend an ear.

But yea who am I kidding. I am a horrible person.