[theeos]

p { margin-bottom: 0.1in; line-height: 120%; } Life is depressing sometimes, I've managed to destroy just about every relationship I've ever had with anyone. Seriously .. the only people who are talking to me right now are my mother , my daughter and my dog. In 2004 I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder and PTSD, it was my first time I've ever had an appointment with a mental health doctor, the VA since then has rated me 100% P&T disabled. I cant believe I'm still having such a disrupted life, I've been home from the war now for 10 years. Every time I go to the VA and ask for help, it seems they just write me another prescription. If I actually took all the medicine they prescribe me, I'd be walking around all day like a zombie, and what kind of life is that?
So, I am currently in marriage #4, and it seems to be devolving pretty rapidly. I think it's just a matter of time before she finally gives up on me. Is unconditional love just something they put in fairy tales? I married wife #4 mostly because she says she's been in love with me for about 35 years, since we were children. Well, I thought after that long she must really be in love with me. Maybe she is in love with me and I'm just incapable of love, I hope that's not the case. One of the problems is, she doesn't know what PTSD is and don't care to learn something about it. She thinks if she threatens to leave me, that will somehow make me keep my anger under control. It's not something I have control over. The fact that I've never been physically violent with her when she is on one of her rants, trying to provoke me is a miracle.
My anger has scared the crap out of me ever since I got back from the war (US Army, Iraq).
Is there a light at the end of the tunnel? Does PTSD and bipolar depression mean I have to either be a zombie all the time, or not have any relationship with anyone?

There is a light at the end of the tunnel. Sometimes it seems the light is so far in the distance you will never reach it. Ill comment on what you said about meds first. If you are a zombie, you are over medicated. Or it could be that you aren't used to the way you feel on meds as opposed to the chaos that is bipolar. I'll tell you from personal experience that I was never a zombie on the right meds. It was the meds that were wrong that made me crash. As far as relationships, given the right relationship it can work. But what it takes is work on both your part and hers. You have to be able to show that you are doing everything you can to better yourself and cope with your illnesses, but on that same note, your other half needs to be able to educate herself on the illness you have and what you go through. Only then will she be able to support you 100%.

[healingme4me]

Well no, but I'd think a loving wife would find out as much as she could about your PTSD to be a source of comfort.
Anger can be a scary emotion. Sometimes it's helpful to seek out what those hair triggers are. The Coping with Emotions forum is a useful forum. For instance, it would anger me, if my partner was 'dismissive' of my own health concerns, I'd feel unheard, devalued and lacking companionship.

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[~Christina]

First , Thank you so much for your service, I am very sorry that you like many other service members see things that cause emotional distress and can be a lifelong battle

I don't have magic words for you, but I do know that with the right treatments and therapy you can certainly get to a place in life that you will be able to enjoy day to day living and have a good outlook.

As for your spouse and her inability to be supportive , well that's a shame and I hope that you and her can seek couples therapy so that she can learn about your struggle and learn how to be supportive and also keep herself mentally healthy during your ups and downs.

Certainly get in touch with your Pdoc asap and work on finding a medication(s) that will be a good fit for you. Stay focus in your Therapy don't give up on feeling better, day by day , baby steps add up.

Welcome to PC

It does get better, i promise.

[AnomalousCarrotCake]

theeos,

Sorry you're having a tough time, and that PTSD has played a major role in what troubles you.

I hear that the VA is giving out meds that zombify you, but is the VA offering any other form of help for your PTSD? EMDR therapy, for example?

Many (not all) vets respond positively to EMDR therapy for PTSD. If you can't get it through the VA itself, you might want to find a support group for vets and referral to someone outside the system for EMDR.

Another thing is your partner... if she doesn't know much about PTSD, has she shown any willingness to learn about it? At least to learn how to be supportive? Right now, that seems like a key part of your life that's missing -- having those near you understand what happened to you and how PTSD has affected your moods and reactions to things.

I don't know what either of you think of couples' therapy, but given this situation, I'd look into it.

"Does PTSD and bipolar depression mean I have to either be a zombie all the time, or not have any relationship with anyone?"

Absolutely not. With time, people find meds that work for them and therapy that addresses the problem. It takes patience and it takes time, though. And finding the right therapist, and a partner who is willing to learn about your condition and do what they can to be supportive.

I have a book here you might want to read -- it touches upon the traumas and PTSD vets experience, and how different forms of therapy can help with PTSD. (It does not endorse zombifying drugs, by the way -- it endorses processing the traumatic experiences in a safe environment, and finding ways to create inner peace.)

Check out "The Body Keeps The Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma" by Bessel Van Der Kolk, MD: The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma: Bessel van der Kolk MD: 9780670785933: Amazon.com: Books

I'd look at the Resources and Further Reading sections in the back of the book, too, as they are great sources for information. Some of those resources online are:

The Trauma Center at JRI
David Baldwin's Trauma Information Pages
Gift from Within: PTSD Resources for Survivors and Caregivers
There & Back Again (non-profit org that supports wellbeing of service-members -- its mission is to provide reintegration support services to combat veterans of all conflicts)
Sidran Foundation

Hope you find something here useful. Good luck, and thank you for serving our country.

[Bill3]

You might be interested in this video report about treating PTSD among veterans:

The War Within: Treating PTSD - CBS News

[Slamjammer]

Wonderful advice from Carrot Cake above. Latch on to it, especially the reference to EMDR. Research it, learn about it, and find a way to somehow access this therapy. Soon.

Thank you for your service and good luck to you!