[AbsurdBlackBear]

Hello.

I've been feeling very lonely for a while now. I really don't know what to do anymore, my depression has snatched away all my motivation for life and the main problem with my depression, or rather what I perceive as the cause, is my loneliness.

Ever since I was a little kid I've been a hopeless romantic hoping to find the girl I could spend my life with. So while being 23 and feeling so lonely due to not being in a relationship may not me a societal norm in America, but for me it is quite normal because I've been a hopeless romantic for most of my life.

I've been in 5 relationship up to this point. My first one was with a girl I met on a dating site who ended up cheating on me and leaving me for someone else. My second through fifth relationships were from girls I've met on forums. The second girl I flew to go meet and things ended up not working out due to me being afraid to talk due to my avoidant personality disorder. The third girl lied to me about her whole life and then just randomly stopped talking to me. The fourth and fifth were both very sweet girls, but we just didn't have much in common so I couldn't feel any chemistry.

So those have been all my relationships up to this point and they have all started online, whether that is a good or bad thing I do not know, but it is the easiest for me because of my avoidant personality disorder making it hard for me to approach girls offline. When I was at college, girls would flirt with me and I'd get so nervous that I would just get very quiet or say a quick "Thanks." if it was in the form of a compliment. The area I live in is pretty crappy so there really isn't a way to meet girls around here and due to the local culture, most girls around where I live I wouldn't be interested in anyways. I tend to be more interested in girls who are deep, artsy, and/or intellectual so it can be hard finding someone.

There was a girl I met on here a while back who I really like, but due to her own struggles with her Bipolar Disorder, things just can't really work out as she often withdraws and becomes reserved. So I've pretty much given up hope on something developing with her and pretty much given up hope on ever finding someone, which leaves me most of the day lying around in bed, not interacting much with my family or dog, pretty much feeling like I've given up on life. I don't really know what to do anymore and really am not motivated anymore to do much at all.

In my experience, finding the perfect someone doesn't "cure" loneliness. I guess, makes it more bearable sometimes? Although sometimes I feel much worse. The point is, however wonderful they are, a relationship is not a cure for loneliness. I wish I knew what was. Maybe a bunch of close friends but that's next to impossible for both of us. I personally can't connect or bond with very many people. It's like I'm a different species from them or something.

oh i feel for you Bear, i think loneliness is the worst part of depression.

it's really positive that you're a 'hopeless romantic' - girls love this! please please don't give up hope. you're so young and you WILL find someone, these things just take time - but they also take motivation, so i would concentrate on treating your depression before you start looking for someone so you've got that motivation.

I know it's easier said than done, but for me a major shift in focus was in order a number of years ago when I found myself in a similar place. I don't think I was quite as deadset on finding a partner as you may be, but it still consumed me at times. I was on a couple of niche sites for people dealing with issues in life and couldn't shake the feeling that the vast majority of the people there were there as a last resort - like there was a genuineness lacking because so many were desperate to jump on the first thing that winked back. I observed for a little while, kind of saw those internet fantasies come to fruition for people hard and fast and then more often than not, crash and burn (though it does work for some!)... and after my observations and one or two tries at it myself, I started feeling like it wasn't healthy. The internet fantasy thing. Meeting people on the internet to transition into real life is great, even when it's a bit dragged out, but it takes luck and a real special connection to make it work because you never truly know what the person is like or what they're doing on the other side of that screen. The infatuation tended to make me and those around me more ill.

So, I personally switched focus. Improving the things I could improve. Writing about different topics. Finding a couple of new hobbies. I realize all of that is way easier said than done when it comes to depression but further developing yourself can really only further your chance at finding the right person when the time comes. I was with a girl for 7 years and have been single for 5 since and both experiences have really helped me grow as a person in equal amounts and to be aware of what it really is I need in life rather than stuffing those ugly feelings and realizations down with food, people, self-destructive behaviors and so on.

Our desperation (mine in the past included) is generally not attractive. You gotta put you first and have faith in the girl you haven't met yet that she'll be there for you when the time is ready. In the meantime, you can only control what you do.

Forgive me if this came off as preachy. I've just been in your position and I regret not spending that energy on something else. A partner may pop up and they may not, but the time I've spent learning to accept and enjoy my own company has probably saved my life. Of course everyone's mileage may vary. Take care of yourself. Maybe have a heart to heart with yourself and really examine where these feelings stem from if you feel you can.

[AbsurdBlackBear]

There is no hope for me.

[Artchic528]

If I can get out and find a boyfriend despite soul crushing depression and no means of transportation available, than you can find a partner too. Hell, anyone can. I used POF, a dating site and have found a wonderful bf despite the odds. My advice is to put yourself out there in any and all ways possible. You just have to get up off your butt and do it. The perfect woman won't come to you while you're moping around at home.

[Marla500]

Originally Posted by AbsurdBlackBear

There is no hope for me.

That is depression talking. I know because you sound like me! There is someone out there for you-and for me, and for everyone.

[Squaw]

Originally Posted by AbsurdBlackBear

There is no hope for me.

As young as you are, you should have all kinds of girlfriends to contend with..I've seen your pictures and you are a very nice looking young man. I know you have a problem speaking up but I think if you work on that, you will be pleasantly surprised..I think you have a lot to offer a nice young lady, you just have to find the right way for you to do this, and feel comfortable doing it. Maybe the right one hasn't come along yet? Anything worth having is worth waiting for...Do not give up. There is hope for you yet....

[AbsurdBlackBear]

Originally Posted by Artchic528

If I can get out and find a boyfriend despite soul crushing depression and no means of transportation available, than you can find a partner too. Hell, anyone can. I used POF, a dating site and have found a wonderful bf despite the odds. My advice is to put yourself out there in any and all ways possible. You just have to get up off your butt and do it. The perfect woman won't come to you while you're moping around at home.

I use dating sites and do not get responses. I've been using them for a while. I've heard though that usually guys message girls a lot on dating sites, but it rare for girls to actually message guys back.

Originally Posted by Marla500

That is depression talking. I know because you sound like me! There is someone out there for you-and for me, and for everyone.

I don't believe there is necessarily someone out there for everyone.

Originally Posted by Squaw

As young as you are, you should have all kinds of girlfriends to contend with..I've seen your pictures and you are a very nice looking young man. I know you have a problem speaking up but I think if you work on that, you will be pleasantly surprised..I think you have a lot to offer a nice young lady, you just have to find the right way for you to do this, and feel comfortable doing it. Maybe the right one hasn't come along yet? Anything worth having is worth waiting for...Do not give up. There is hope for you yet....

Well I do not feel any hope.

[mouni]

There is an most important thing to remember that loneliness is a common experience that does not reverse any bug in our nature or spirit.

[Squaw]

Originally Posted by AbsurdBlackBear

I use dating sites and do not get responses. I've been using them for a while. I've heard though that usually guys message girls a lot on dating sites, but it rare for girls to actually message guys back.


I don't believe there is necessarily someone out there for everyone.


Well I do not feel any hope.

Well, I'm sorry you feel no hope but God put you here for a purpose...always remember that.

[divine1966]

You are 23? That is very young. My nephew didn't start dating until he was 24. He has no mental issues. He is college educated engineer and seriously looks like a model. Just didn't date. My son in law barely ever dated prior to meeting my daughter and he was 25 they've met. 23 is nothing

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[ptangptang]

Originally Posted by bearpaws

I know it's easier said than done, but for me a major shift in focus was in order a number of years ago when I found myself in a similar place. I don't think I was quite as deadset on finding a partner as you may be, but it still consumed me at times. I was on a couple of niche sites for people dealing with issues in life and couldn't shake the feeling that the vast majority of the people there were there as a last resort - like there was a genuineness lacking because so many were desperate to jump on the first thing that winked back. I observed for a little while, kind of saw those internet fantasies come to fruition for people hard and fast and then more often than not, crash and burn (though it does work for some!)... and after my observations and one or two tries at it myself, I started feeling like it wasn't healthy. The internet fantasy thing. Meeting people on the internet to transition into real life is great, even when it's a bit dragged out, but it takes luck and a real special connection to make it work because you never truly know what the person is like or what they're doing on the other side of that screen. The infatuation tended to make me and those around me more ill.

So, I personally switched focus. Improving the things I could improve. Writing about different topics. Finding a couple of new hobbies. I realize all of that is way easier said than done when it comes to depression but further developing yourself can really only further your chance at finding the right person when the time comes. I was with a girl for 7 years and have been single for 5 since and both experiences have really helped me grow as a person in equal amounts and to be aware of what it really is I need in life rather than stuffing those ugly feelings and realizations down with food, people, self-destructive behaviors and so on.

Our desperation (mine in the past included) is generally not attractive. You gotta put you first and have faith in the girl you haven't met yet that she'll be there for you when the time is ready. In the meantime, you can only control what you do.

Forgive me if this came off as preachy. I've just been in your position and I regret not spending that energy on something else. A partner may pop up and they may not, but the time I've spent learning to accept and enjoy my own company has probably saved my life. Of course everyone's mileage may vary. Take care of yourself. Maybe have a heart to heart with yourself and really examine where these feelings stem from if you feel you can.

Excellent post. The more you get out and do things the more chance there is of meeting someone instead of wasting time and energy online trying to impress women who have an over inflated opinion of themselves and have totally unrealistic expectations. Only my opinion, of course. It's hard going around by yourself and rather soul destroying, but what's the alternative. Life sucks whatever you do.

[risingstar]

Originally Posted by AbsurdBlackBear

There is no hope for me.

When the heart is broken nothing feels good. And it is true for you.

For right now, you will not feel good. And right now could last for 2 weeks, 2 months or may be more.

But once you are 30% recovered and 70% heart broken, join some course or activity where you can find and meet new people. Involving in teaching, social work will divert your mind and help you gaining new positive energy.