[troubledinlove]

Hello everyone, I apologize in advance for a very long explanation...

I fell in love with a friend I have had for around ten years. In fact I went to tell him I had feelings that ran deeper than friendship years ago but a girl we both worked with answered his door and told me it was a bad time for him and that "they" appreciated me stopping by. I assumed he was interested in her and stopped calling and visiting his home as I did prior to that particular trip to his house.

This girl was married at the time so I was surprised to see that he was interested in her but as a friend who am I to judge him? Anyhow, she saw me as a threat because before we were friends he had tried to sleep with me. I didn't allow that to happen because I was coming out of a bad break up and didn't want to confuse myself anymore than I already was (my breakup was of a seven year on again and off again kind of thing).

So...he begins seeing this girl and she leaves her husband. She moves in to the apartment right next to his and then seeks to become my friend. She invited me to dinner and acted so awkward. She kept asking me questions about the guy we both knew and inferring that him and I should get together. When I asked her if they were dating she denied it. I was left with a bad taste in my mouth so I never called her back or texted a reply when she reached out. Apparently that left her sour. She started demanding that this guy end our friendship and while he didn't actually call me up and say "we aren't friends anymore" he did just disappear.

A couple of years later he sent me an email and apologized for pulling a disappearing act and asked me to visit him. He had moved to another city without telling me. I obliged and drove out to visit. He ended up trying to fool around with me and ended up not calling me after. A few days later I heard through tons of mutual friends that he was back with this odd girl, "A".

Several months later he shows up at my door step drunk and we proceed to fool around again. I wanted to tell him about my feelings but felt too scared to do so...he left and again we go without talking for weeks. I again find out he had gotten back together with A.

Years later he moves back into my town and he invites me over. He tells me things had ended with him and A. He also tells me he is depressed and unhappy with himself. I supported him as a friend because I loved him. We start seeing each other more regularly and although I am openly dating other people (no one serious) we end up kissing on my birthday and realizing we both have feelings for each other. We quickly started dating and it happened right as I got a diagnosis of a terrible medical condition.

He felt bad for me and invited me to move in with him. I jumped at the chance.

I had just moved in when I started to have some serious medical issues. We spent many nights in the ER and I eventually went through two more surgeries. The last one being a hysterectomy. I lost my job, was financially in dire straights, got into a car accident wherein my car was totaled and was seriously depressed.

During the course of my relationship with this guy we hit some bumps in the road. I lied to him about a doctor's appointment because I was too depressed to leave the house and yet didn't want tell him that. I was ashamed.

He values honesty a great deal and my lie hurt him A LOT. I knew this and I still found myself in the dog house.

See A was always a soar spot for me. She actually befriended my very best friend who lived in NY. She even flew out to visit my best friend several times and started posting to her social media things that were private to her relationship with my now bf. She posted pics of jewelry he gave her, books they read, places that were important to them and even alluded to the fact that her child was possibly HIS!

My best friend and I would discuss her because she was a thorn in my side and my bestie revealed that A had visited her way more than I thought and in fact had stayed at her house. I was astonished and whats even more my friend knew so much about A and her relationship with my bf that she shared it with me while we tried to sort out what this chick's problem was.

I shared this insight with my bf and asked him to reach out to A and ask her to stop. He refused and ended up starting a fight with my bestie. They now hate each other.

I was so hurt because I asked him a total of three times to reach out to A and ask her to stop. He didn't. I specifically asked him not to reach out to my bestie and he waited until I fell asleep and did so anyway.

He shut me down when I tried to let him know how hurt I was. He said it wasn't a discussion we would ever have. I later found out that this A chick was married - she actually never divorced her husband and was living with HIM when she was giving my bf an ultimatum to marry her and have kids with her!!!!

I never trusted that there wasn't something more that happened between them because he would never tell her to knock it off. She over stepped boundaries several times...she logged into his facebook account and deleted me as a friend of his. She send a message from his account to see if we had gotten together (we hadn't). She flew out and visited his mom in another state when they were no longer together. She called his sister in law fat and hit on his brother IN FRONT OF HIM....

Why the hell wouldn't he take the time to tell A to leave him and his new gf alone?

Anyone, in the mean time he had developed trust issues. He just assumed I was like her and would cheat or hedge my bets by having another guy next in line. He would ask me disrespectful questions - once before we went to a party he asked me "Did you f anyone that will be there?"

I became angry, hurt and resentful that he wouldn't confront his ex for my sanity and to make me feel backed up but he had no issues with accusing me of being some kind of ho. I didn't understand and I sort of hated the situation.

I wanted answers and when I would ask him for them he'd stone wall me. I gave in to my resentment and signed up for a google voice number. I texted him as if I was A to get the answers I needed and he found out. I was wrong and I am ashamed to even write this but I deceived him and hurt him..

He can't seem to get past it or forgive me. It's been six months and just this morning he brought it up again calling me a liar, a manipulator and certainly has made me question myself. Am I those things? Do I deserve to be forgiven?

We agreed to go to counseling but it feels as though he is only going to hear someone else tell me I am a horrible person. Keep in mind we had gone through a separation where I moved out for a month. I went to therapy and really dug into myself to uncover what it was that made me do such a hurtful and sneaky thing.

He asked me to come back home and I told him that I didn't want to rush into it. I explained that I wanted to wait until we were sure it was right and that he wouldn't be trying to cope with his hurt feelings because I didn't want it to grow into resentment and re-surface over and over again.

He agreed to this and we went to one session together. He asked me to move back in and things were great...but even as recent as this morning he lashed out and attacked me. He said he never knows when I will behave that way again. He says he doesn't believe me and that he things I am a very complicated person.

His opinions of me matter to me so I have been in anguish trying to decipher whether or not I am this horrible person he makes me out to be...

I am barely getting back on my feet financially, emotionally, and physically and the idea of losing him hurts. What hurts even more is that I don't know what to believe about MYSELF...

Can this relationship work? Is there hope?

[Crazy Hitch]

Hi troubledinlove

Thank you for introducing yourself to us.

Welcome to Psych Central.

This is a great place to be for online support.

There are a number of Forums here at Psych Central that you are free to browse around. Consider this like your personal Library. Nobody knows what you are looking at really. I could be busy reading Charlie Brown and the Chocolate Factory Book right now paging through the Chapter on Oompa Loompas and you wouldn’t know.

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If you need any help or support navigating the site please feel free to contact one our Community Liaisons. We will be happy to help you.

You have asked an important point in your post - "Can this relationship work? Is there hope?"

This answer would be quite complex to give a direct response to.

So in lieue of not giving a response, I would like to offer you the opportunity to read these articles. Whilst some of the cirumstances may not be applicable to your point of view, they will shed some insight into relationships in general, and whilst reading through these articles you may begin to get some futher understanding on the complexities of relationships and whether or not you beliver this may work out -

5 Secrets to a Successful Long-Term Relationship or Marriage | Psych Central

5 Secrets to a Successful Long-Term Relationship or Marriage | Psych Central

6 Absolute Must-Haves for Relationship Compatibility | World of Psychology

[Ruminati]

Originally Posted by troubledinlove

Hello everyone, I apologize in advance for a very long explanation...

I fell in love with a friend I have had for around ten years. In fact I went to tell him I had feelings that ran deeper than friendship years ago but a girl we both worked with answered his door and told me it was a bad time for him and that "they" appreciated me stopping by. I assumed he was interested in her and stopped calling and visiting his home as I did prior to that particular trip to his house.

This girl was married at the time so I was surprised to see that he was interested in her but as a friend who am I to judge him? Anyhow, she saw me as a threat because before we were friends he had tried to sleep with me. I didn't allow that to happen because I was coming out of a bad break up and didn't want to confuse myself anymore than I already was (my breakup was of a seven year on again and off again kind of thing).

So...he begins seeing this girl and she leaves her husband. She moves in to the apartment right next to his and then seeks to become my friend. She invited me to dinner and acted so awkward. She kept asking me questions about the guy we both knew and inferring that him and I should get together. When I asked her if they were dating she denied it. I was left with a bad taste in my mouth so I never called her back or texted a reply when she reached out. Apparently that left her sour. She started demanding that this guy end our friendship and while he didn't actually call me up and say "we aren't friends anymore" he did just disappear.

A couple of years later he sent me an email and apologized for pulling a disappearing act and asked me to visit him. He had moved to another city without telling me. I obliged and drove out to visit. He ended up trying to fool around with me and ended up not calling me after. A few days later I heard through tons of mutual friends that he was back with this odd girl, "A".

Several months later he shows up at my door step drunk and we proceed to fool around again. I wanted to tell him about my feelings but felt too scared to do so...he left and again we go without talking for weeks. I again find out he had gotten back together with A.

Years later he moves back into my town and he invites me over. He tells me things had ended with him and A. He also tells me he is depressed and unhappy with himself. I supported him as a friend because I loved him. We start seeing each other more regularly and although I am openly dating other people (no one serious) we end up kissing on my birthday and realizing we both have feelings for each other. We quickly started dating and it happened right as I got a diagnosis of a terrible medical condition.

He felt bad for me and invited me to move in with him. I jumped at the chance.

I had just moved in when I started to have some serious medical issues. We spent many nights in the ER and I eventually went through two more surgeries. The last one being a hysterectomy. I lost my job, was financially in dire straights, got into a car accident wherein my car was totaled and was seriously depressed.

During the course of my relationship with this guy we hit some bumps in the road. I lied to him about a doctor's appointment because I was too depressed to leave the house and yet didn't want tell him that. I was ashamed.

He values honesty a great deal and my lie hurt him A LOT. I knew this and I still found myself in the dog house.

See A was always a soar spot for me. She actually befriended my very best friend who lived in NY. She even flew out to visit my best friend several times and started posting to her social media things that were private to her relationship with my now bf. She posted pics of jewelry he gave her, books they read, places that were important to them and even alluded to the fact that her child was possibly HIS!

My best friend and I would discuss her because she was a thorn in my side and my bestie revealed that A had visited her way more than I thought and in fact had stayed at her house. I was astonished and whats even more my friend knew so much about A and her relationship with my bf that she shared it with me while we tried to sort out what this chick's problem was.

I shared this insight with my bf and asked him to reach out to A and ask her to stop. He refused and ended up starting a fight with my bestie. They now hate each other.

I was so hurt because I asked him a total of three times to reach out to A and ask her to stop. He didn't. I specifically asked him not to reach out to my bestie and he waited until I fell asleep and did so anyway.

He shut me down when I tried to let him know how hurt I was. He said it wasn't a discussion we would ever have. I later found out that this A chick was married - she actually never divorced her husband and was living with HIM when she was giving my bf an ultimatum to marry her and have kids with her!!!!

I never trusted that there wasn't something more that happened between them because he would never tell her to knock it off. She over stepped boundaries several times...she logged into his facebook account and deleted me as a friend of his. She send a message from his account to see if we had gotten together (we hadn't). She flew out and visited his mom in another state when they were no longer together. She called his sister in law fat and hit on his brother IN FRONT OF HIM....

Why the hell wouldn't he take the time to tell A to leave him and his new gf alone?

Anyone, in the mean time he had developed trust issues. He just assumed I was like her and would cheat or hedge my bets by having another guy next in line. He would ask me disrespectful questions - once before we went to a party he asked me "Did you f anyone that will be there?"

I became angry, hurt and resentful that he wouldn't confront his ex for my sanity and to make me feel backed up but he had no issues with accusing me of being some kind of ho. I didn't understand and I sort of hated the situation.

I wanted answers and when I would ask him for them he'd stone wall me. I gave in to my resentment and signed up for a google voice number. I texted him as if I was A to get the answers I needed and he found out. I was wrong and I am ashamed to even write this but I deceived him and hurt him..

He can't seem to get past it or forgive me. It's been six months and just this morning he brought it up again calling me a liar, a manipulator and certainly has made me question myself. Am I those things? Do I deserve to be forgiven?

We agreed to go to counseling but it feels as though he is only going to hear someone else tell me I am a horrible person. Keep in mind we had gone through a separation where I moved out for a month. I went to therapy and really dug into myself to uncover what it was that made me do such a hurtful and sneaky thing.

He asked me to come back home and I told him that I didn't want to rush into it. I explained that I wanted to wait until we were sure it was right and that he wouldn't be trying to cope with his hurt feelings because I didn't want it to grow into resentment and re-surface over and over again.

He agreed to this and we went to one session together. He asked me to move back in and things were great...but even as recent as this morning he lashed out and attacked me. He said he never knows when I will behave that way again. He says he doesn't believe me and that he things I am a very complicated person.

His opinions of me matter to me so I have been in anguish trying to decipher whether or not I am this horrible person he makes me out to be...

I am barely getting back on my feet financially, emotionally, and physically and the idea of losing him hurts. What hurts even more is that I don't know what to believe about MYSELF...

Can this relationship work? Is there hope?

Probably yeah.

[healingme4me]

Do I have this straight, you lied about missing one doctors appointment and you lied about a fictitious google account, which you dug for answers which was disappointing?

A...befriended your best friend, visited your bfs mother, hit on his brother, tells others that her child might be his and lived with him while married..

And your bf sees you at the heart of the relationship struggles?

Sent from my LGMS323 using Tapatalk

[troubledinlove]

Originally Posted by healingme4me

Do I have this straight, you lied about missing one doctors appointment and you lied about a fictitious google account, which you dug for answers which was disappointing?

A...befriended your best friend, visited your bfs mother, hit on his brother, tells others that her child might be his and lived with him while married..

And your bf sees you at the heart of the relationship struggles?

Sent from my LGMS323 using Tapatalk

First off thank you for the reply. Your response (as did everyone's) made me think.

To answer your question, yes this is the issue he brings up as a recurring problem for us. He says that he warned me in the beginning of our relationship that honesty was and continues to be a big must have for him.

I did hear him say that before we even decided to jump into a relationship together. I lied about going to a doctor's appointment and I made up texts pretending to be A to get answers. Both instances were wrong and I openly admit to that. I am also in therapy and speaking very candidly to my therapist about my issues.

I guess I do need to hear from others that I am not the only one to have issues that need to be addressed...

To answer your other questions yet he dated someone on and off again (mostly on again) who was married the entire time. In fact they originally slept together when she was just engaged to the man she eventually married. She did visit my best friend, move in right next door to him, visit his mother, hit on his brother, monitor his facebook account (deleting me as a friend almost immediately) and post their private info on her social media accounts.

[troubledinlove]

Yes, he dated A who moved in next door to him, hit on his brother, told his sister in law (his brother is married) that she is fat, and posted their private relationship details to her social media.

And yes, he sees my dishonesty over the doctor's appointment and impersonating his ex as a issue. Can you give me any insight as to what you are thinking?

I know we both have our issues - I just tend to get so involved in my relationships that sometimes I question myself and need help seeing the forest for the trees.

I know what I did was wrong - I accept responsibility but am also fearful that there is more at play here than me just being a liar who deceived him.

[ochoa.c]

I personally don't see how YOU are the injuring party in all this. Not a liar and not a manipulator. The two things you did don't amount to anything that could not reasonably be expected of someone else in the same situation I feel, even though yes, it was probably wrong to do these things but I don't believe you have anything to do with the cause of his relationship issues.

[troubledinlove]

Originally Posted by ochoa.c

I personally don't see how YOU are the injuring party in all this. Not a liar and not a manipulator. The two things you did don't amount to anything that could not reasonably be expected of someone else in the same situation I feel, even though yes, it was probably wrong to do these things but I don't believe you have anything to do with the cause of his relationship issues.

Thank you for this response. I have even wracking my brain and going over and over the situation in my head. It's nice to be encouraged just a little.

He agreed to go to individual counseling as well as couples counseling. I do agree that what I did was wrong no matter how you spin it. I do also know that my fella has some trust issues that have nothing to do with me. He has a sordid history with cheating - meaning he himself cheated on his wife over ten years ago and was in turn cheated on by the person that he left his wife for. His very next relationship was this on again off again thing he had with A.

I've never been married, I don't have a history of cheating and I am franky not interested in going down that road so his trust issues usually rub me the wrong way. I am hopeful that with professional help we can reach a happy medium and an even level of trust for one another otherwise this relationship won't be good for either of us.