[slowandsteady]

Hi!

I'd like to write about a relationship I am in or maybe I want to be in.

I've been working with a guy for about two years. It was a very good time for me, he was always very proffesional, very helpful, thoughtful. I've enjoyed our talks during long drives through the country, sharing thoughts, opinions. I guess he liked it too.
Last year I've decided to leave that job, it was too exhausting for me, I needed something less dynamic. When I left we promised each other we would keep in touch. In fact we are, we text, email each other, sometimes talk on the phone. We've met twice since I left. Trouble is, it's almost always me who initiates the contact. I try to rationalize, that he's got a family to take care of, he's still doing that crazy job and he may not have a lot of time. I know I'm not the priority.

I'm not sure about my sexuality but I guess sex is not the point here. I can't imagine us in bed. We never had more physical contact, than a handshake. I wouldnt know how to express my happiness, if we hugged. I just really miss the comfort of having him around.

I am very unsure where I stand and what I should do. I don't want to push too hard, because I've messed up some relationships this way before. I don't want to loose this. I know I can't make a friendship happen, it's supposed to happen by itself.

Looking forward to reading your opinions.

[kaliope]

it sounds like you guys already have a friendship. i can understand your insecurity about being the one who initiates the contact but there can be many reasons for that besides the one you are worried about. for me, i never contact anybody. i dont mind talking to people, i am just fearful of making contact that i am bothering people so i never do it. if people want to be friends with me, they have to be the ones contacting me. also, some people dont need a lot of contact. two times a week is enough. they dont need to talk to the same person every day. ive got somebody who texts me every night and i sit there and wonder what i am going to talk about cause we just talked yesterday. it is a chore for me. so you never know. but you dont sound like he seems to dislike your time together. so why not ask for a meetup in your next conversation, just in a casual way say can we go out for coffee or something. i miss seeing you. the worse he can do is say no. no big deal. and if you do go out then ask if you could do it one a month or so. i dont think that is being too pushy. see how things progress from there.

Originally Posted by kaliope

it sounds like you guys already have a friendship. i can understand your insecurity about being the one who initiates the contact but there can be many reasons for that besides the one you are worried about. for me, i never contact anybody. i dont mind talking to people, i am just fearful of making contact that i am bothering people so i never do it. if people want to be friends with me, they have to be the ones contacting me.

If I have usually been the one doing all of the contacting in a friendship, this gradually makes me pull away. I have been taught that friendship is a two-way street and if someone wants to talk to you, they will make at least some effort in return. I just had an issue with a friend this evening because I feel like, when we hang out, I do all of the inviting. It makes me feel like she just hangs out with me because she feels badly for me, because I've shared info about my MI with her. People like to feel appreciated, and reciprocating in friendship is part of that. I guess in the situation with the ex-coworker, while his lack of contact may not be personal, I would need some reciprocation.

[slowandsteady]

Thank you for sharing your opinions.

Yes, I know there might be other reasons. I have been trying to figure some of them out, but only really bad things come to my mind apart from the most prosaic and obvious ones like family, work and lack of free time. Sometimes it's good not to think too much. I live in a very conservative society where even non-sexual intimacy between two men can be considered gay and stigmatized. I don't care about that, he might be afraid.
Reciprocation in a relationship is something I find very important. But it can't be pushed. I've already told him I miss him and it made me feel bad. I mean I don't think what I said was was bad, just felt like giving too much of a hint like "hi, I'm here and I need your attention". Tried asking him out lately, but I finally gave up leaving it upto him. I told him, that if he had the time and wanted to see me, he should let me know. I'll try again in some time.
I guess I shouldn't overcomplicate it in my thoughts, but in a situation like this my mind is racing.

[divine1966]

It is hard to always be the one to initiate everything. Maybe directly ask him if he us even interested? I know it hurts you are always the one

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[toolman65]

" he's got a family to take care of..."

Is he already in a relationship? How many kids? What ages? He may simply have too much on the go to initiate contact.

Do you want his friendship or something more?

[slowandsteady]

Originally Posted by toolman65

" he's got a family to take care of..."

Is he already in a relationship? How many kids? What ages? He may simply have too much on the go to initiate contact.

Yes, he's married, got two daughters age 3 and 5. It probably is that simple, that he just hasn't got the time. I should calm down and be patient.

Originally Posted by toolman65

Do you want his friendship or something more?

Friendship. But if he wanted more and expressed that, I'd go for it.

[divine1966]

No judgement here but relationship with married man will never work and too many people get hurt, including you. As about friendship he has two little kids so of course he has no time plus he is probably uncomfortable initiating contact and keeping friendship with a woman as he is married!

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[slowandsteady]

I am a man.
My native language would make it clear (masculine and feminine verb forms). English doesn't and I forgot to introduce myself in the beginning. Sorry for that.

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by slowandsteady

I am a man.
My native language would make it clear (masculine and feminine verb forms). English doesn't and I forgot to introduce myself in the beginning. Sorry for that.

Sorry. Ok let's look you want more (o assume you romantically attracted to him?) could it be that he knows and since he is either not into you (or any men) or simply wants to be faithful to his wife he avoids you?

As about friendship it is hard with two little kids

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[slowandsteady]

I don't identify myself as gay. Have never had sexual experience with men.
Romantic attraction? No, even though I think the line between friendship and love is very thin.

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by slowandsteady

I don't identify myself as gay. Have never had sexual experience with men.
Romantic attraction? No, even though I think the line between friendship and love is very thin.

If you aren't romantically into him and aren't gay why and how would you pursue a relationship with him then? And why would he suggest? Is he gay? The whole story is confusing



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[slowandsteady]

I guess I've made it unnecessarily confusing. Sorry.

To summarize: I'd be happier if he initiated our contact once in a while. He doesn't because he probably doesn't have enough time. I'm going to be patient, because pushing will make me feel worse. That's all. (I wonder how long I will manage to hold on to this. )

[divine1966]

I think you yourself might be confused on how you feel about this man. If it was just a friendship with a former colleague then you wouldn't be as devastated over this need

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[slowandsteady]

I'm not sure if devastated is the right word, but OK.
I just don't want to loose it. I don't want to push it either. Nevermind what particular feeling it is. It's not a bad thing and I guess he'd understand if I wanted to express it.
I don't want to interfere with his family life.

[slowandsteady]

We've seen. I asked him out for coffee suggesting just a quick meetup in a nearby mall, not to take up too much time to drive anywhere. It seems he just didn't have the time, forgot or whatever. I don't blame him.
The coffee was terrible, but it was awesome to see him again and talk for a while. It feels so good, the understanding, some kind of a bond, and I feel it's mutual.
Trouble is, I want more, I miss him and I want to see him again.

I don't have a lot of close people I could relate to and I suppose that's why I feel I need a friend so badly. I don't want to overwhelm him. My love life is a mess, my girlfriend is difficult to be with.
I guess I should have more contact with people so I can feel less alone. But meeting Frank will remain very special.