[manicattack]

My husband has difficulty understanding that when my bipolar is cycling (I usually have rapid cycling episodes), I act differently because I am trying to cope with my feelings and symptoms without medication. Sometimes this means I am not a very affectionate person. I try to balance it out, but it doesn't always work out. He takes my symptoms (withdrawal, irritation) personally and starts fights with me, which then causes me to feel worse.

He is currently in counseling. He has jealousy/trust issues and after a truly horrible time, I told him he either got help or we get divorced.

I have been off medication for four years (ever since we got together) and have handled my issues fairly well. I have not been hospitalized nor have I had any episodes that I haven't been able to handle on my own.

Currently, I am in a severe depressive state. I came down from mania and my husband is not understanding that I am NOT neglecting him or ignoring him or cheating on him (those are his feelings on it- if I'm not giving him sex I'm cheating). He feels like I'm not happy with him (not true, other than right now, because he's truly making me miserable on top of everything else I'm already experiencing) and I'm so TIRED of repeating myself.

I am at a loss. I want him to just understand and give me space without making it into some negative thing, which seems impossible for him. When I ask him to just back off, he takes offense and it turns into a fight.

I truly love my husband, but I'm wondering if it is just impossible for us to be together because he is so emotionally needy and I need to feel free to take time to myself when I'm having bouts of mania/depression.

Any thoughts?

[Crazy Hitch]

Hi manicattack

I am sorry to hear that this is taking its toll on your relationship.

This sure can be a bipolar side effect.

Just wanted to put it out there that your relationship is not alone in suffering this.

I am glad to hear that there are support measures in place like your husband attending therapy.

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[Rose76]

He shouldn't need constant attention, but he has a right to a daily dose of some kind of attention. I don't think we can use a psych diagnosis as an excuse to be irritable and withdrawn. Do you work? If so, does your behavior at work change as you cycle through moods? Maybe you need some counseling to learn to manage your illness.

Whether your maintaining a marriage, or a job, you can't take the attitude that: "I'll be emotionally present for my husband, when I feel up to it." I don't mean to sound harsh, but that's what I hear when people say they need space. Maybe I'm hearing that wrong. To me it kind of sounds like "Leave me alone."

It sounds like you wouldn't mind all that much being out of this marriage.

[manicattack]

Originally Posted by Rose76

He shouldn't need constant attention, but he has a right to a daily dose of some kind of attention. I don't think we can use a psych diagnosis as an excuse to be irritable and withdrawn. Do you work? If so, does your behavior at work change as you cycle through moods? Maybe you need some counseling to learn to manage your illness.

Whether your maintaining a marriage, or a job, you can't take the attitude that: "I'll be emotionally present for my husband, when I feel up to it." I don't mean to sound harsh, but that's what I hear when people say they need space. Maybe I'm hearing that wrong. To me it kind of sounds like "Leave me alone."

It sounds like you wouldn't mind all that much being out of this marriage.

By space I mean I don't want to feel like I have to take care of him and myself while I'm dealing with this. He will ask me repeatedly if I'm okay, are we okay, am I unhappy with him, did he do something.

He seems to be under the impression that I am mad at him or unhappy with our relationship rather than understanding my disorder. I do not want to be left alone- I just want him to understand instead of taking my mood personally.

Yes I am employed full time and work 45-50 hours a week. It is a struggle because as I'm sure you know, remaining employed is a task when you feel like it doesn't matter and would rather lay in bed all day. My boss is thankfully understanding and doesn't say anything when I'm not quite on my game. I told him I'm not sleeping well and he said he appreciates that I'm still showing up.

It has nothing to do with me not being emotionally present. I am always here but he gets weird and thinks I'm cheating or going to leave when I'm down.

He started a fight with me that ended very badly because I came home from work and told him my windshield wipers stopped working on the way home. Literally jumped down my throat and told me that I was *****ing. I never complained I r said anything other than "hey my windshield wiper motor died." And he really went off on me and I just said, "I just thought you should know I'm going to have to get it fixed."

And then a fight pursued. And I said I was sorry I told him and that I won't tell him anything negative things from now on.

He said he expects me to take care of myself. And by that, he wants me on medication. I'm not going back on medication because we REALLY did not get along or have an intimate relationship when I took medication. I told him I'll see a counselor with him. But I'm not going to take medication because he thinks I should.

[troubledinlove]

This is a tough one!

My partner and I both have bouts of depression. I mean debilitating depression and recently my partner was making me feeling like he checked out of "us" and i found myself asking questions much like your husband.

I suggest seeing a couples therapist so that this person can help HIM understand what your limitations are when you are cycling. Perhaps on the flip, a therapist can help you understand what feelings your moods stir up in your partner. At the very least you two can walk out of a session and understand each other a tad bit better.

My partner was depressed and refused to talk to me. He wouldn't respond to my emails, texts, or requests to talk. He would self medicate and did this for two months. He would often snap at me and did not want to spend an excess of 10 minutes talking to me so I felt he was on his way out of our relationship and just didn't know how to tell me.

I regret needing reassurance from him while he was depressed and clearly hurting but his behavior was hurtful to me and our relationship and when that is the case a little open communication would have worked wonders for us, even bringing us closer.

What ended up happening is he got annoyed with me and I became resentful. Had we just sat down and talked about the fact that he was feeling very down and ached with depression and sometimes wasn't able to get out of bed and that it had nothing to do with me I could have been there for him to be a support not an additional threat to his well being.

You two are a team - fight together and before you can fight you have to at least talk...

[manicattack]

Originally Posted by troubledinlove

This is a tough one!

My partner and I both have bouts of depression. I mean debilitating depression and recently my partner was making me feeling like he checked out of "us" and i found myself asking questions much like your husband.

I suggest seeing a couples therapist so that this person can help HIM understand what your limitations are when you are cycling. Perhaps on the flip, a therapist can help you understand what feelings your moods stir up in your partner. At the very least you two can walk out of a session and understand each other a tad bit better.

My partner was depressed and refused to talk to me. He wouldn't respond to my emails, texts, or requests to talk. He would self medicate and did this for two months. He would often snap at me and did not want to spend an excess of 10 minutes talking to me so I felt he was on his way out of our relationship and just didn't know how to tell me.

I regret needing reassurance from him while he was depressed and clearly hurting but his behavior was hurtful to me and our relationship and when that is the case a little open communication would have worked wonders for us, even bringing us closer.

What ended up happening is he got annoyed with me and I became resentful. Had we just sat down and talked about the fact that he was feeling very down and ached with depression and sometimes wasn't able to get out of bed and that it had nothing to do with me I could have been there for him to be a support not an additional threat to his well being.

You two are a team - fight together and before you can fight you have to at least talk...

I offered to go to couple's counseling and his counselor told him it was not a good idea right now because things are not "normal." I had knee surgery in February and he feels he has taken on a lot of extras in the house. We basically swapped places and he does the grocery shopping and cooking while I do the laundry and other things that do not require being on my feet for more than five minutes.

I try telling him that I am going through a cycle every time, but he never seems prepared. I literally told him two weeks ago that I felt like writing a lot and I felt mania coming on. He said he understood and left me to my writing, but he would seem very upset any time I was writing after he went to bed. He wants to read everything I write and I don't write for other people- I write for myself. I told him I just don't feel comfortable and maybe someday he will read my stories but I'm not ready. He takes it very personally.

Despite this warning, and after telling him this past Monday that I was coming down, he still wanted to press my buttons every.single.day after that. He skipped taking his son to tae kwon do so that he could hover over me and make sure I wasn't doing anything suspicious. I told him I knew what he was doing and he said that he can't help it, it always reverts to thinking I'm talking to guys behind his back (this is a real problem that he's working on, and he goes to counseling but his counselor went on a three week vacation so he hasn't seen her). To make him feel better, I have cut off contact with my male friends- there weren't many. I also do not go anywhere but to work and home, and if I'm later than usual getting home, he grills me about where I've been. :-/

I understand that he has issues but making me out to be someone who is untrustworthy is just making me worse (I've never cheated on him, or anyone I've dated in the past). Picking fights about my wiper motor going out, or how I always complain about my job (I don't- I like my job and my co-workers but I go home once in a while after a rough day and will tell him about it), that I am always negative (which is strange coming from him, because I am the one to usually say "Hey, things happen, we'll get through it!" and he's the one to throw the, "life sucks, everything goes wrong for me" thing around) is wearing.

I do become resentful because I feel like he wants me to talk, but only if it is about things he wants to hear. It's frustrating.

I'm looking into a different counselor for us. But I made it clear that I do not want to go on medication again. I had such horrible reactions both times I was medicated (I gained 80 pounds the first time, went off due to fog head, lost all the weight, then switched meds and gained it all back AND was BLAH), I do not want to do it. We definitely need to sit down to talk to someone together because he needs to be told that my feelings are not a personal attack on him- and he needs to be supportive, not a butthole, and stop making everything about him.

[Rose76]

It sure sounds like he's rather irritable himself, if he jumps down your throat over windshield wipers.

If you're managing to work fulltime, you can't be expected to be as caregiving at home, as if being a homemaker was all you were doing. But, if you strike him as being demoralized, he is going to question if you're happy in the marriage.

I don't believe that mood disorders cause people to become depressed for absolutely no reason at all. The mood disorder makes us react more intensely to things. At least, that's been my experience. Something is bothering you, and it's not that you're depressed just because you're a depressive. Seeing someone down in the dumps can get old, if it goes on long enough. Then a husband is bound to think, "Hey, if something is bothering you, spit it out."

On the other hand, there is more to your life than your husband. He needs to understand that everything on your mind is not about your relationship with him. It sounds like you two don't really talk.

Medication is no cure all. I've always hated for anyone to respond to me having difficulty by saying, "Sounds like your meds need adjusting." He overestimates what meds can do. It's up to you to decide whether meds help you meet your goals or not. I'm sure you're competent to do that.

Don't give him mixed messages about psych drugs. Don't say,"Yes, I'ld probably be nicer to live with if I took some psych drugs, but I just won't do that." That's making it a battle of wills. Better to say, "I've decided that the downside of meds outweighs the upside at this point in my life, so I am staying medfree to do what is best for me right now. Take responsibility for your decision and frame it in a positive light. But, then, don't use the lack of meds as an excuse to be moody. One way or another - with meds, or without - it's up to you yo have a gameplan to nanage your mood disorder. Medication isn't the only tool. Have your own strategy, and share with him how you are working your own program . . . and what he can do in support of that. Say something more specific than, "Give me space."

[Rose76]

Your husband has got some maturity issues of his own. Set a firm boundary over the writing issue. Your writings are private to you, and that's that. Put them in a secure place. When he asks to read them, say "No" and don't waffle around on it.

Married women having male "friends" is not such a hot idea. Get yourself some lady friends whom you can confide in. You and he should seek to socialize with other couples . . . jointly.

[asher17]

Originally Posted by manicattack

My husband has difficulty understanding that when my bipolar is cycling (I usually have rapid cycling episodes), I act differently because I am trying to cope with my feelings and symptoms without medication. Sometimes this means I am not a very affectionate person. I try to balance it out, but it doesn't always work out. He takes my symptoms (withdrawal, irritation) personally and starts fights with me, which then causes me to feel worse.

He is currently in counseling. He has jealousy/trust issues and after a truly horrible time, I told him he either got help or we get divorced.

I have been off medication for four years (ever since we got together) and have handled my issues fairly well. I have not been hospitalized nor have I had any episodes that I haven't been able to handle on my own.

Currently, I am in a severe depressive state. I came down from mania and my husband is not understanding that I am NOT neglecting him or ignoring him or cheating on him (those are his feelings on it- if I'm not giving him sex I'm cheating). He feels like I'm not happy with him (not true, other than right now, because he's truly making me miserable on top of everything else I'm already experiencing) and I'm so TIRED of repeating myself.

I am at a loss. I want him to just understand and give me space without making it into some negative thing, which seems impossible for him. When I ask him to just back off, he takes offense and it turns into a fight.

I truly love my husband, but I'm wondering if it is just impossible for us to be together because he is so emotionally needy and I need to feel free to take time to myself when I'm having bouts of mania/depression.

Any thoughts?

Hello
I don't mean to be harsh towards you, but...

You say your husband has trust issues, which I guess would mean that he gets concerned over your commitment to him without reason.

You say that you cycle through episodes of varying intensity,"dealing with it," on your own, but you describe your behavior as distant and uninterested.

So, is it possible that your husband doesn't really have trust issues, but he is responding to the very real signals that you are sending him when you're "working through," another episode. maybe the problem is that you won't even consider medication to level out your moods and behave in a way that actually reflects your feelings.

not sure if you're interested, but I spent a long time (about 10 years) bucking at the idea of taking meds. then I found the right ones. now I'm happily ever after.

[CosmicRose]

I'm sorry you're going through that. Be open to how he feels and let the communication happen freely. It's hard not to take other people's actions/moods towards you personally. My mom would become very mean and depressed and manic and abusive and we always believed she had a mental issue but she refused to go to the doctor, and whenever she was acting that way, we couldn't NOT take it personally. So just be aware of that, it's very hard to not take something personally in that context.

He needs to understand you. But you also need to understand him. It's a two way street, as is any relationship.

[manicattack]

Originally Posted by asher17

Hello
I don't mean to be harsh towards you, but...

You say your husband has trust issues, which I guess would mean that he gets concerned over your commitment to him without reason.

You say that you cycle through episodes of varying intensity,"dealing with it," on your own, but you describe your behavior as distant and uninterested.

So, is it possible that your husband doesn't really have trust issues, but he is responding to the very real signals that you are sending him when you're "working through," another episode. maybe the problem is that you won't even consider medication to level out your moods and behave in a way that actually reflects your feelings.

not sure if you're interested, but I spent a long time (about 10 years) bucking at the idea of taking meds. then I found the right ones. now I'm happily ever after.

I'm going to very nicely say that I appreciate your response, but disagree.

I will not go back on meds. I've taken a lot of them. They do more harm than good and several have caused me medical issues that are now worse than ever.

He has trust issues. He has accused me of cheating on him multiple times over the last four and a half years- even without reason or provocation. Anytime I used to go grocery shopping, he would tell me that for all he knew, I was out sleeping around.

He has insecurities stemming from two failed marriages and he needs to work on them.

So thanks, but no thanks.

[manicattack]

Originally Posted by Rose76

It sure sounds like he's rather irritable himself, if he jumps down your throat over windshield wipers.

If you're managing to work fulltime, you can't be expected to be as caregiving at home, as if being a homemaker was all you were doing. But, if you strike him as being demoralized, he is going to question if you're happy in the marriage.

I don't believe that mood disorders cause people to become depressed for absolutely no reason at all. The mood disorder makes us react more intensely to things. At least, that's been my experience. Something is bothering you, and it's not that you're depressed just because you're a depressive. Seeing someone down in the dumps can get old, if it goes on long enough. Then a husband is bound to think, "Hey, if something is bothering you, spit it out."

On the other hand, there is more to your life than your husband. He needs to understand that everything on your mind is not about your relationship with him. It sounds like you two don't really talk.

Medication is no cure all. I've always hated for anyone to respond to me having difficulty by saying, "Sounds like your meds need adjusting." He overestimates what meds can do. It's up to you to decide whether meds help you meet your goals or not. I'm sure you're competent to do that.

Don't give him mixed messages about psych drugs. Don't say,"Yes, I'ld probably be nicer to live with if I took some psych drugs, but I just won't do that." That's making it a battle of wills. Better to say, "I've decided that the downside of meds outweighs the upside at this point in my life, so I am staying medfree to do what is best for me right now. Take responsibility for your decision and frame it in a positive light. But, then, don't use the lack of meds as an excuse to be moody. One way or another - with meds, or without - it's up to you yo have a gameplan to nanage your mood disorder. Medication isn't the only tool. Have your own strategy, and share with him how you are working your own program . . . and what he can do in support of that. Say something more specific than, "Give me space."

First- we do talk. But if I even MENTION being stressed at work or having issues with a co-worker, he gets angry and tells me I need to stop being so negative.

If I cannot even tell my husband that I am stressed, who the hell am I supposed to trust to listen?

So by nature, I close myself off to him. I don't want to talk about anything bothering me because he snaps at me (hence, windshield wipers not working turning into such a huge blow out that I actually left for an entire night, because I couldn't deal with it).

I've told him that I straight up refuse to be on medication because they did not do the positive things they should have, and only managed to make things worse (weight gain, made my kidneys act up, etc). I have managed my moods for over four years without it (minus a few months when I went back on Tegretol for HIS benefit, because he was insisting I needed to be on something). He even noticed this and agreed we would work through my harder times (spring/fall) together.

Last spring, he did something similar to what he is doing now. He wouldn't listen to how sad/stressed I was about my job and I eventually took to drinking. And while it never got out of hand, he developed a problem with it because he felt like I was turning to alcohol. Well, I attempted to turn to him, but he was not there- he checked out of our relationship.

It has been like this every spring. He says his therapist thinks he absorbs all my stress and can't let go like I can. I can just LISTEN to him and say, "I'm sorry hon, I love you though and it's just work, right?" But he takes everything in and makes it personal, like I'm expecting him to fix all of my issues with work. And he says he is trying to work on it, but so far I've only seen him take it as a negative thing and turn my own thoughts around to be against HIM- like because I'm saying work is so stressful, I'm telling him it's his fault and he needs to fix it. Obviously that is not the case.

When I just need some free time to unwind without talking (I don't even care if he's around, I just don't want to talk), he gets this nasty demeanor towards me that is unbearable.

I went from just being stressed and sad about work (my favorite co-worker left last month and the two I'm left with are not the best people to be around) to being sad because my husband thinks I'm just this naggy complaining pessimistic wife when in reality, I'm not! I know how to leave my problems at the door of work. I might vent a minute, but after that I'm good. He makes it worse by not wanting to listen. And I've already told him this...so it does no good to keep bringing it up.

Since I wrote this post, I have not brought up anything that stresses me out to him. I have kept my mouth shut and just said, "Work is good." And we had sex. And guess what?

He's all happy now. Go figure. He didn't have to listen to any of my vents and he got to have sex. Fixes all his issues because those are two of his biggest complaints in our relationship!

[manicattack]

Originally Posted by Rose76

Your husband has got some maturity issues of his own. Set a firm boundary over the writing issue. Your writings are private to you, and that's that. Put them in a secure place. When he asks to read them, say "No" and don't waffle around on it.

Married women having male "friends" is not such a hot idea. Get yourself some lady friends whom you can confide in. You and he should seek to socialize with other couples . . . jointly.

I disagree. I do not think friends should be of one sex or the other. I have been friends with some of these people way longer than I've known my husband. One of them has been in my life for almost 25 years. I had female friends and he didn't like them, either.

We socialize with other couples but we live in a small area and most of our friends like 44 mins to an hour away, so it does not happen very often. Also, we are at that age where everyone we know is having kids and they are too busy being parents to do much hanging out. I am not a kid person and neither is he. So we are very limited in our choices.

Also, he is an introvert by nature and tends to not want to be social, so any time we are out and being social, it is me doing the carrying and him feeling left out. He would rather be at home playing guitar. And if he doesn't go out, he does not want me to, either, because JEALOUSY.

Are you seeing a pattern here?

[manicattack]

Originally Posted by Rose76

Your husband has got some maturity issues of his own. Set a firm boundary over the writing issue. Your writings are private to you, and that's that. Put them in a secure place. When he asks to read them, say "No" and don't waffle around on it.

Married women having male "friends" is not such a hot idea. Get yourself some lady friends whom you can confide in. You and he should seek to socialize with other couples . . . jointly.

I'd also like to point out that I have had female partners, as I am not hetero. For you (or anyone) to suggest I cut contact with friends all because I am married is ludicrous.

So now what? Do I cut contact with my female friends, as well? Because he also takes issue with me hanging out with women.

Originally Posted by manicattack

My husband has difficulty understanding that when my bipolar is cycling (I usually have rapid cycling episodes), I act differently because I am trying to cope with my feelings and symptoms without medication. Sometimes this means I am not a very affectionate person. I try to balance it out, but it doesn't always work out. He takes my symptoms (withdrawal, irritation) personally and starts fights with me, which then causes me to feel worse.

He is currently in counseling. He has jealousy/trust issues and after a truly horrible time, I told him he either got help or we get divorced.

I have been off medication for four years (ever since we got together) and have handled my issues fairly well. I have not been hospitalized nor have I had any episodes that I haven't been able to handle on my own.

Currently, I am in a severe depressive state. I came down from mania and my husband is not understanding that I am NOT neglecting him or ignoring him or cheating on him (those are his feelings on it- if I'm not giving him sex I'm cheating). He feels like I'm not happy with him (not true, other than right now, because he's truly making me miserable on top of everything else I'm already experiencing) and I'm so TIRED of repeating myself.

I am at a loss. I want him to just understand and give me space without making it into some negative thing, which seems impossible for him. When I ask him to just back off, he takes offense and it turns into a fight.

I truly love my husband, but I'm wondering if it is just impossible for us to be together because he is so emotionally needy and I need to feel free to take time to myself when I'm having bouts of mania/depression.

Any thoughts?

It is understandable in some ways why our families take issue with the symptoms of our disease. But it is my position that it is incumbent on them if they are not battling their own demons, to go the extra mile, to read and find out so that they know it is not just you. No one that I know of yells at someone who gets cancer and says "how dare you". It is the ultimate insult and stigma of mental disorders that we are deprived of the love and support others receive when they are challenged. All manner of help and support is available to people facing challenges but it is the loneliest most heartbreaking aspect of mental illness that we are deprived of the love that could make such a big difference. I do not know the answer, I only know that it seems "not fair". I have told my children that life is not fair and it isn't. But our families are not random acts that can be not fair they are people who either choose to support us or not. The pain of my own mental issues to deal with is bad enough but the even more cruel blow is that my family has abandoned me. But they don't think they are they think they are practicing tough love - trying to teach me a lesson in manners which is ludicrous because I was brought up to and have always said thank you for everything I have always looked out for the feelings of others so to now find myself on the receiving end of TOUGH LOVE is heartbreaking and every day is a struggle to get thru one more day of loneliness and heartbreak. So you have my sympathies and understanding which is all I have to give now for what its worth.

[Rose76]

Originally Posted by manicattack

I'd also like to point out that I have had female partners, as I am not hetero. For you (or anyone) to suggest I cut contact with friends all because I am married is ludicrous.

So now what? Do I cut contact with my female friends, as well? Because he also takes issue with me hanging out with women.

Maybe I'm misunderstanding. Are you saying that you have male friends who are your age and who are unattached romantically and that you hang out with them? If that's the case, I can see where most married men would not be too cool with that. Having an unattached male friend stop by for a meal with both you and your husband would be more appropriate.

That doesn't even seem to be the biggest issue. Your husband seems to be very unavailable to you for moral support. To not be able to vent about a stressful day at work seems very unfair. Doesn't he like to be listened to about how his day went? He seems to not have much cconcept about what marriage is all about. All those jealous accusations would certainly get pn my nerves. No one should have to keep denying false charges. You have every right to get sick of that.

[manicattack]

Originally Posted by Rose76

Maybe I'm misunderstanding. Are you saying that you have male friends who are your age and who are unattached romantically and that you hang out with them? If that's the case, I can see where most married men would not be too cool with that. Having an unattached male friend stop by for a meal with both you and your husband would be more appropriate.

That doesn't even seem to be the biggest issue. Your husband seems to be very unavailable to you for moral support. To not be able to vent about a stressful day at work seems very unfair. Doesn't he like to be listened to about how his day went? He seems to not have much cconcept about what marriage is all about. All those jealous accusations would certainly get pn my nerves. No one should have to keep denying false charges. You have every right to get sick of that.

I have two male friends that I used to be close with. Both are romantically attached to someone else. We have been invited to hang with them numerous times, but because I am friends with the guy in these couples, my husband says it is weird and he doesn't want to be around them. I am free to go by myself, he will say. But if I do, I know he will hold it over my head later.

He did last night, actually. One of them invited us to a barbecue two summers ago, and my husband chose to start a fight right before said barbecue and no longer wanted to go. So I went by myself, and had dinner with my friend and his girlfriend (whom I am not friends with, as well) and several other people. I chose to go, and I do not feel guilty, and I shouldn't. But after having a good night last night, he brought up how I left the other night to get away from our fight. And then again how I left two summers ago to the BBQ. Like, because he's upset with me, and fighting with me about something, I am supposed to just sit at home and wait for him to be okay.

Last Wednesday I did leave and went and hung out with a friend and I didn't want to come in late and wake him up since he gets up at 3:30am, so I crashed with my friend. I let him know where I was and who I was with and that I would be home in the morning. He held it against me last night that I left. I told him I wasn't going to sit there all night in the bedroom because he was upset and told me he wants me on medication all because I told him my windshield wipers stopped working. He said it had nothing to do with windshield wipers but everything combined. I asked, "Like what?" and his response was that I am negative a lot and he can't handle it, and he wants me to go to counseling and get on medication to "even out" my moods. My moods are level except when he's badgering me.

I'm beginning to think it really is not me, it is him, and he needs medication. He stopped taking anti-depressants two years ago after claiming they don't do anything for him (lie).

Let me just state this: I am bipolar. I did go through several weeks of mania and I came down last week, so I was a little more quiet and did have a few more complaints (mainly because of my vehicle and work, two of my largest stresses). But I ALSO told him all about how I'm excited to start my side business up again and I've been preparing and I'm really happy- but he doesn't hear that. It's like he just wants me to never complain, EVER, and if I do, I need medication and counseling.

He's not getting it, though. So I told him last night that I will go on medication. Whatever. I'll give it a few months and if he is still being like this, I'm done...I will know that it is NOT me, it is him.

[manicattack]

I made an appointment with my GP, just to talk to her. She has been my doctor for four years and has a general understanding of how I used to be. She has never seen a need to medicate me again, but I told her I just want to tell her some of the things happening. The office has a psychiatrist that they work with and refer people to (I do not have a psychiatrist where I live, have not seen/talked to a counselor in four years). She will refer me if she feels I need help other than perhaps a prescription she can write for me.

My exact words to my husband:
"I decided to see someone. But I won't just medicate myself so you can deal with my sad times or quiet times. I love you, but I am being rational and have no other symptoms of it (bipolar) being out of control."

[Rose76]

It sounds like your husband wants to isolate and not socialize. You have every right in the world to accept invitations like the one to the barbecue. He's trying to isolate you, so you are totally dependent on him. He does not really believe that you are out cheating. That's just something to say to knock you. Good for you that you don't let him intimidate you from being involved with others. It must get a bit lonely, though, having a spouse who won't join you in a social life. What a drip.

[Open Eyes]

Question here,

You love your husband because......

List postives in what "he" brings to the relationship.

So far all I am reading is "anger, control, and insecurity issues" with him.

I'm going through the same thing been thinking about divorce my husband is jealous needy controlling and when I'm manic or depressed he doesn't uNederland and when I try and ask for some space to calm me bc I'm on edge he makes it worse so I have a plan to never be alone with him always have someone there so he doesn't escalte my mood when I'm in a bad mood bc then we fight and he has a fighter personality and he picks fight and says he calls the shots it gets back then I get out of whack and t causes my mains to go out of control and I start crying and fighting with him it's bad so yea I know where your coming from somewhat

[manicattack]

Originally Posted by Open Eyes

Question here,

You love your husband because......

List postives in what "he" brings to the relationship.

So far all I am reading is "anger, control, and insecurity issues" with him.

He's funny.
He's sweet.
He's smart.
He's handsome.
We share the same sense of humor, we are both artistic, we enjoy the same things (reading, movies, taking road trips, etc).

I love him and have stayed with him for these reasons. I did not just decide to stay with a man for almost 5 years without positive reasons.

Originally Posted by Open Eyes

Question here,

You love your husband because......

List postives in what "he" brings to the relationship.

So far all I am reading is "anger, control, and insecurity issues" with him.

I agree. - seems that way to me too.

[manicattack]

Originally Posted by A Little Lost

I agree. - seems that way to me too.

See above reply.

[Rose76]

Originally Posted by manicattack

I'm beginning to think it really is not me, it is him, and he needs medication. He stopped taking anti-depressants two years ago after claiming they don't do anything for him (lie).

Not every problem can be medicated away. He sounds immature. That's not a form of "brain disease," necessarily. That's a failure to get past the developmental milestones that growing up involves.

Maybe he was poorly reared . . . maybe some bad attitudes were role modeled for him by influential adults in his life, when he was young . . . maybe he wasn't shown the love it takes to make a child grow up having an inner core of security. None of that is much remedied by taking pharmaceutical products. We tend to want there to be a technological fix for human inadequacy. We want to think that all problems are solvable through science.

Failure to mature tends to become hard-wired after a certain point in a young person's life. A person just gets so far behind that they then lack the wherewithal to catch up. They become perpetually childlike and a burden to a spouse, who will never find in this person a real peer and companion.