[officerjimlahey]

There's someone in my life that I met a while ago and ever since our first date, I have been very attracted to him both physically and over time, emotionally. Over the course of the next few months, we began sleeping together but never became official in any way, which I thought was okay with me at this point in my life; however, I did eventually reach that uncomfortable balance of me, I believe, being more genuinely interested than he was. We would always have a great time together when we did get together..and not only in bed, I often spent the night and we would spend a lot of the next day together talking and joking and getting to know eachother. However, after the first few dates, we did not talk much inbetween those times where we would see eachother and after a while the pattern was this: we'd see eachother, have a great night flirting, have a good time talking where I even felt he was just being a genuine, relaxed person who is easy to relate to...and then no word at all until the next month or so when we would hook up again.

I grew to know him just well enough to very deeply care about him and wish that at least I could learn more about what I am to him, or if I even matter much at all. The problem is, I am still so infatuated with him (AND, in my opinion, have more serious and honest feelings) that I frankly just end up letting this pattern repeat every time I see him. I am likely going to see him again rather soon and would like to try and break this pattern...but I don't know how, exactly. And furthermore, I'm afraid. Of it just all ending or, if I don't say whatever I need to or it plays out not as planned, that he will just suddenly think I'm only uninterested or spiteful. I seem to have a problem where even if I am trying to distance myself or get over someone I care about, I still don't want to leave it off with them thinking less of me...call it one of the downfalls of love, I suppose, but what I hope to accomplish somehow is finally making him respect me and maybe regret losing me, if that's what it comes to.

I recognize that that's pretty childish and selfish...but I'm just at a roadblock I guess regarding how I should feel or what to do.

[divine1966]

Why don't you talk to him? Ask why aren't you talking between meetings and how he sees your relationship etc see what he says. No need to prove a point, just talk to him

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[officerjimlahey]

I don't know...I know that seems like the easy thing to do but for me it's not because I think I've let it get to a point where I feel too awkward to just pour out whatever is on my mind. I want to say something, definitely, but I guess just not until I've figured out an eloquent, non-crazy or overwhelming way to say it...

Don't be stuck on trying to find an 'eloquent, non-crazy or overwhelming way' - just speak your heart out. If he cares for you to the extent you care for him, he will be there to listen to you and support you. If he doesn't, this is an indication that you need to re-evaluate the relationship and see if it is truly worth it. You need to get yourself out of the pattern, otherwise it will just continue to hurt you.

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by officerjimlahey

I don't know...I know that seems like the easy thing to do but for me it's not because I think I've let it get to a point where I feel too awkward to just pour out whatever is on my mind. I want to say something, definitely, but I guess just not until I've figured out an eloquent, non-crazy or overwhelming way to say it...

Withdrawing sex to prove a point is not going to work. If you are uncomfortable discussing your relationship then it is a sign it is not healthy. Frankly I am a bit of a pushover but would never have sex with a guy who doesn't call be for a month? Some people don't need daily contact but a month? No way.

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[~Christina]

If you want more than a here and there relationship , then your going to have to ask where he feels your relationship is going or not going..

It's hard to ask a question knowing if we don't get the response we want is going to feel devastating, but clearly you want more and its not fair for you to just wait around for the next hook up.

I wish you luck

[Keyslost]

Please correct me if I'm wrong but it sounds like you're afraid of getting closer so you want to end it? If it were me I would want the relationship to last (since it sounds like it's going so well). Or am I confused on this? ^ yeah don't worry about trying to sound a certain way. best thing imo is to be honest. If it doesn't work then you just end it anyways (is this pessimistic?) . Either way I hope you find happiness

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by Keyslost

Please correct me if I'm wrong but it sounds like you're afraid of getting closer so you want to end it? If it were me I would want the relationship to last (since it sounds like it's going so well). Or am I confused on this? ^ yeah don't worry about trying to sound a certain way. best thing imo is to be honest. If it doesn't work then you just end it anyways (is this pessimistic?) . Either way I hope you find happiness

It clearly isn't going well or she wouldn't ask. She says they have sex then there is no contact for a month until next hook up. Maybe it is ok for some people but clearly not for OP.

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[Rose76]

There's nothing childish about wanting someone to care for you as much as you care for him. Unfortunately, it sounds like he just doesn't, or he'ld be around more than just once a month and you'ld hear from him in between dates.

This is hurting you. At some level I think he knows that. It sounds like you're security for him - a reliable admirer that he can turn to, until he finds the partner he would really like to have. I think you have the right idea in making yourself less available to him.

[RedEagle]

Sounds like you may have an enmeshed relationship, which is a relationship without boundaries. It's extremely unhealthy, and both members lose their sense of identity and individualism. Such relationships are very definition of "too close" for comfort.