[sunflower1111]

Big surprise, a mother in law question. I had studied to become a counselor, and ironically I'm asking for advice, but the best advice I ever got was to keep asking, especially for yourself.

So to keep it simple, I have PTSD. I had always thought as time goes on things will get better and I'll be able to work through my issues and eventually help people with the same. As I found out it isn't as simple as that. Working with people and their traumatic situations was eventually a bit too triggering for me to live a stable life. I work in a related, but technology career now using my degree and I'm happy.

My MIL's sister who I heard through my husband also has PTSD. She had also studied counseling, but didn't end up working in the field and choose to focus on being a mother. I also heard that my MIL had said she just doesn't understand why she just can't get over it. My MIL apparently went through the same situation and is "fine".

My MIL isn't aware that I have PTSD. When she was visiting my husband and I she was talking about how her daughter was interested in studying counseling and said something to the effect "Can you believe it?! She wants to study counseling!" and continued on with more insults, something to the effect of psychology being a useless degree, right in front of me! I didn't say anything, I thought I must have been hearing this incorrectly, but I wasn't. As you can see I have some reservations about sharing that I have PTSD, and I've frustrated about the misconceptions of mental health treatment. What I would have liked to have said is that my sister in law would likely have been very good at it, since she's so interested in it. She's now chosen biology as her major, but doesn't really know what to do with it.

I'd just like to hear some feedback and advice about any aspects of my situation, and suggestions of what I could say or do (if at all). I'm a believer of speaking my mind, but I'm not sure I want my mind gossiped about if you get my drift. Thanks

[Little Lulu]

It is good that you are proceeding with caution in this situation for several reasons, the most important one being that she is your MIL and keeping things amiable is important. Sensing that she has a strong negative attitude about mental health issues, maybe keeping your own issues to yourself would be best. I don't think that is necessarily 'hiding' something ... it is just choosing wisely who you share your stuff with and that would apply with any personal issue, not just mental health.

If you choose to handle things differently with your MIL, believe me, you will get another opportunity. It sounds like she doesn't like to keep her opinions to herself.

[sunflower1111]

Yes, it's not exactly like I'm hiding something. But I'm sure like many other people struggling with an illness feel it's a part of who they are. She asks a lot of questions regarding how I'm doing. Quite a few times asking why I hadn't yet found a new counseling job, in which I danced around the subject. I've thought about saying I had been dealing with a health issue these past years and leaving it at that.
I'm well aware I'm probably over thinking this, but it's really nice to hear your feedback and have people to talk to about this.

I very much agree with Little Lulu's comment.

OP, have you talked or considered talking to your husband about how his mother is making you feel? Your husband is in a position where he can stand up for you.

[sunflower1111]

@NewLyfe Thanks. Yeah I have. My husband works in a similar field, but is more social work related. He's dissatisfied with how the system is running, he feels they could do better. I believe my MIL sees that as kind of the same thing. So when he talks through his frustrations about the field, and further enhances her black and white viewpoint. So, my husband is entitled to his opinion, and my MIL thinks in black and white so there's not much I can do! lol... It's very helpful for me to hear all the feedback though, thank you.

[Keyslost]

My dad's gf is very opinionated herself. Not exactly the same but I know what that's like getting criticized by family you should be able to trust. Imo you don't have to like her just remember you're awesome and try to be decent (which it sounds like you are ) I am curious though does your husband make you feel bad? Couldn't quite tell there and being in a relationship myself with the mom and gf judging hurt more than I thought it would. Don't mean to pry just wanted to help if possible

[Rose76]

Your MIL is a button pusher. People like that want to disturb and frustrate you. One tactic is not to let her know she is succeeding. That might frustrate her a little bit. With someone who is incessant, though, that tactic isn't usually enough. There comes a point where you have to find away to tell them to knock it off. Not that she will, but what you really have to do, if it gets to you bad enough, is to make clear that, when this crap starts, you'll get away from her.

I've been around button pushers and it can really make you nuts. Sorry you're dealing with this. Share nothing with this woman, including your diagnosis of PTSD. It will absolutely not make her any more decent in how she treats you. It will do the reverse. Oh, she'ld love to know - so she can put you down about it.

What she said about her daughter was just to needle you. It's sad that she has such an impoverished spirit that this is how she gets her kicks. She's not a nice person, and the less you interact with her, the happier you will be. Her sister might be an interesting person for you to build a relationship with . . . or her daughter, but not her.

Make no mistake - her needling comments most likely are not made thoughtlessly. They are designed to antagonize you. Feel free to develop a headache that requires you to go lie down when she visits. You owe no tolerance to this kind of behavior. She's mean, plain and simple.

For your husband's sake you probably do the best you can to be civil toward her, but there's a limit to how much psychological abuse you have to let yourself in for. Her thinking will never change.

[hvert]

She doesn't sound like someone I would want to share much private information with. Her comments about the field of psychology being useless when she knows that's your area of expertise are very rude. I don't want to know what she would do with more private and sensitive info.

[sunflower1111]

No I don't think he makes me feel bad. The situation with his mom is of course very "normal" to him, because of course, it's his mom. He's the kind of guy that can debate for hours about stuff like politics, and technology, whatever the subject is and I think that's who gets it from. However his mother also gossips, which he doesn't really. But when they talk on the phone he does engage with the gossip a bit. It's like it's just the normal flow of the conversation for them, or maybe it's just to flatter her "yes mom whatever you say". I've recently made him more aware, and I think he has taken note. I don't expect him to entirely change, and I'll probably need to remind him. It couldn't hurt to have less gossip in this world right?
Thank you for your thoughtful reply.

Originally Posted by Keyslost

My dad's gf is very opinionated herself. Not exactly the same but I know what that's like getting criticized by family you should be able to trust. Imo you don't have to like her just remember you're awesome and try to be decent (which it sounds like you are ) I am curious though does your husband make you feel bad? Couldn't quite tell there and being in a relationship myself with the mom and gf judging hurt more than I thought it would. Don't mean to pry just wanted to help if possible

[sunflower1111]

Thank you for your reply. Your blunt answers are what I need to hear. I grew up in an unstable home (related to my PTSD) and it's easy to see things like this as not so bad, and maybe I'm just over thinking it. But yes, this is the reality.

Yes it's a disappointment because the thought of gaining new family members was a very hopeful feeling when I'm pretty much estranged with most of mine.

It's quite clear I was not the daughter in law she was hoping for. One of the biggest issues that she passive aggressively holds over my head is religion. I'm not religious, and she is (so much for peace huh?). I think they (her and my step-father in law) have a lot of assumptions about me because of that. I remember how surprised they were when I had no interest in alcohol and a family party, and I further explained that I don't drink. They of course do. I suppose it's just one of those things that just has to be.

Thank you for your thoughtful reply and suggestions. I suppose it's okay to develop and headache once and awhile! I think the most helpful thing I can do is help my husband better understand my position. He grew up his whole life with her like that. Sometimes he sees my viewpoint and other times he thinks I'm over reacting. :/

Originally Posted by Rose76

Your MIL is a button pusher. People like that want to disturb and frustrate you. One tactic is not to let her know she is succeeding. That might frustrate her a little bit. With someone who is incessant, though, that tactic isn't usually enough. There comes a point where you have to find away to tell them to knock it off. Not that she will, but what you really have to do, if it gets to you bad enough, is to make clear that, when this crap starts, you'll get away from her.

I've been around button pushers and it can really make you nuts. Sorry you're dealing with this. Share nothing with this woman, including your diagnosis of PTSD. It will absolutely not make her any more decent in how she treats you. It will do the reverse. Oh, she'ld love to know - so she can put you down about it.

What she said about her daughter was just to needle you. It's sad that she has such an impoverished spirit that this is how she gets her kicks. She's not a nice person, and the less you interact with her, the happier you will be. Her sister might be an interesting person for you to build a relationship with . . . or her daughter, but not her.

Make no mistake - her needling comments most likely are not made thoughtlessly. They are designed to antagonize you. Feel free to develop a headache that requires you to go lie down when she visits. You owe no tolerance to this kind of behavior. She's mean, plain and simple.

For your husband's sake you probably do the best you can to be civil toward her, but there's a limit to how much psychological abuse you have to let yourself in for. Her thinking will never change.