[Daidiebug]

I am trying to decide if/when I should contact a long-term friend of mine, who I am really missing right now.

The story is complicated. My friend is 20 years older than me and was one of my professors in college. We became friends and rode horses together, saw movies together, met for coffee/lunch, etc. regularly. Even though she was much older than me and I moved out of the area, I still remained in contact with her and would see her when I came back to my college town to visit. This went on for about 15 years. In August of 2013, I was supposed to be meeting her for breakfast, but was unable to travel at the last minute because my husband and I got into a huge argument which turned physical. I told her I was unable to make it and outlined what had happened with him. She completely freaked out on me, saying that he had abused me and I needed to get out.

I didn't leave my relationship at that time (I'm married for 7 years with 3 children), but she told me she wanted to hear from me regularly because she was so worried my husband was going to kill me, and that she was always available if I needed to talk. So I did write to her regularly until May 2014. Then my husband did something else physical, which I told her about, and he also said we couldn't afford counseling (which I had tried to talk him into). My friend then contacted my mother without my knowledge and told her she was afraid for my life, that my husband was being physically abusive again, that she thought I was depressed and suicidal because of it, and that my husband was not allowing me to get help. When I found out she had called my mom, I felt extremely betrayed and got very angry at her, telling her I didn't need her help, or my parents help. She responded with an email that said, "I've decided I simply cannot help you anymore. And you have made it clear you don't want my, or anyone else's help. So this is goodbye. I wish you well in your life, but please don't contact me anymore."

I felt like I was caught completely off-guard. I had no idea that she was even considering "getting rid of me" and I became even more depressed because of it. I sent a very sincere apology and thanked her for contacting my parents, but she did not respond. I was very, very sad.

Then, in July 2014 my husband tried to strangle me and I called the police. He was arrested. In a state of extreme upset shortly afterwards, I wrote to my friend and told her what happened and that I knew I was a terrible person for how I had treated her. She responded immediately and told me I was not a terrible person - that she had always liked me, and that she was not surprised with what had happened. She said she hoped I realized the gift of a second chance and would actually leave him this time. In closing she said, "I wish you all the best in your healing process and rebuilding your life. I really do. And I can’t imagine a world where I would ever hate you - so please wipe that thought from your mind. I truly want you to have a happy productive life. But I cannot do this journey with you - you need to do it yourself."

I didn't reply to her, but later that week I found out from my parents that she had called them again to make sure they knew that he had abused me again and gone to jail. So I wrote to her one more time and thanked her for contacting my parents and told her I was so surprised at how nice and caring everyone was. She wrote back saying, "Of course we care. A lot of people love you and we all want you to have a good life. I was praying you would get another chance and voila!"

So, I have not tried to contact her in anyway since then... and it has been 7 months. I have gone through extensive counseling (both individual and group) and am currently living separately from my husband (he also is going through court-ordered batterers counseling).

I really have been feeling lately like I want to email her and let her know I'm doing well, say thank you for sacrificing so much time and energy for me, and tell her that I miss her. But I do not know if she was still hinting that her "don't contact me" statement was still in place, or if she was possibly leaving the door open to the future. I'm not sure if she meant she does not want to do my "healing" journey with me, or my "life" journey with me.

She really was a good friend for 15 years and I do miss her. Does anybody think it would be a bad idea to contact her, or should I just let it go? Does it sound like she still does not want me in her life, period, or that there may be a door open once I get my life figured out again?

Thanks, in advance.

[pegasus]

Well, it seems to me that your friend truly cared for you but it was hurting her to see you still in an abusive relationship. When you are close, it hurts to see a dear friend in that sort of horror. Now you are free and doing well, I feel it would be good for you to write and let her know how things have moved on since then. I'm sure she will be mighty proud you got out and are now restarting your life. You have nothing to lose in writing to her.

[toolman65]

email her.

Give her an update as to all the changes that you have made. Thank her for her support during that hellish time.

The rest is up to her. If she is ready to resume contact you'll know.

~Speak from the heart and don't be attached to the result ~

[lizardlady]

I agree with the others. Send her an e-mail with an update on your progress. Then leave it up to her to respond.

[Parley]

I wouldn't write her unless you ended things with your husband. If his counseling is enough to make you think y'all have a future than I wouldn't waste my time. It sounds like she cares and will always care but sometimes it's easier to care from a distance.

Congrats on getting away and hopefully therapy will continue to be beneficial to everyone involved.

I would email her.

She made the very wise choice of trying to save your life at the possible expense of your friendship.

If she chooses not to be friends with you at this point, then it might be because it's too difficult for her mentally, or she's in a different place in her life.

I hope things work out for everyone, and I'm glad you're putting yourself first.

[Perna]

I think she is glad you got a second chance and are getting help but does not want the relationship. That is not the same as not wanting/missing you, just that your life and experiences are no longer compatible with what she is doing in her life. Relationships are hard work and it sounds like yours is now more one-way for her and not something she wants to work at as a relationship. I don't think she would mind an email telling her how you're getting on, etc. but I would not expect a reply and I would look for new friends more in line with your age and experiences, etc.

Before you had horse riding together and meeting in person/lunching; what do you have to offer the relationship now? Your current difficulties are lots of work for you, too, and not something she is doing now in her life. I don't imagine she's in the process of leaving her husband and finding her own way with young children or counseling, etc. What would you talk about? There's no common ground there and what you did together 2 years ago is no longer relevant/a friendship relationship binding agent any more than your husband's battering of you is a marriage relationship binding agent. The relationship has changed in such a way that it cannot be maintained without both parties working harder than usual to make it so and she has clearly indicated she does not wish to do that.

[Bill3]

I really have been feeling lately like I want to email her and let her know I'm doing well, say thank you for sacrificing so much time and energy for me, and tell her that I miss her.

Sounds good to me.

But I do not know if she was still hinting that her "don't contact me" statement was still in place

I doubt it, but there is a good way to find out.

I'm not sure if she meant she does not want to do my "healing" journey with me, or my "life" journey with me.

The "journey" quote came in the context of a discussion of healing, not of the rest of your life. So I think "healing". But you can write to her and find out for yourself.

Ten years from now, do you want to risk having regrets for not having tried to reestablish the friendship of someone who has been with you through so much? Or would it be better to know that you tried your hardest to get the results you wanted?

[scorpiosis37]

If I had only read this post, I would have said "yes, contact her." However, I just read your other posts and, as of Jan. 29, you indicated you were still with him and very confused and unsettled about your situation. It does not appear that you are in a healthy place. If you are still with him or have only left in the last 2 weeks, you are really not in a place to contact this friend who asked not to be involved in your healing journey. I think you need to go through this journey with your therapist and other friends who are willing to offer you support. Once you have been away from this man for a YEAR and are absolutely never going back-- then I think it would be appropriate to contact this friend and say that you are past this. But, right now, you are in the thick of it and it just wouldn't be fair to ask this friend to deal with any of that.

[Daidiebug]

Thanks for all the replies. A lot of different opinions... which I kind of expected! I actually had no plans to contact her for a long time... if ever, but last week I did start really thinking about it. I asked my therapist about it, and she said to go with my heart, and that there is nothing wrong with extending an olive branch and thanking her for making me aware of the abuse and trying to help. My therapist did say, that in her opinion, I'm making great progress and she would vouch for me

I think I will wait at least a few more months, if not longer, even though I've suddenly had a strong desire to do it now. I don't want to write to her with any major details about my "journey", all I really want to say is that I sincerely appreciate how much she tried to help me, that I miss her, and see if she responds in a positive way. I really have no idea if she will or not. I hope she will, but I don't really have any expectations.

I did learn a lesson through this though. When she first told me to talk to her regularly, I expressed my concern that it would ruin our friendship. She said it would not ruin our friendship - that friends don't bail on each other when they go through these types of things. So I believed her. I don't hold anything against her now - I truly believe she helped me the best she could and was just emotionally exhausted and scared to death for me, and so she just had to extricate herself. But I have learned to be very careful how much you tell people. I've had several friends since last summer tell me they are "here for me no matter what" and I can contact them "as much as I need to", but now I just take it as a sign of them indicating they care about me, and not so much that they literally will be there for me through thick and thin. It's just too much for people, and I will never burden any of my friends that way again. I have no desire to lose another friend this way. It has been one of the most emotionally horrible things I've been through with someone (other than my husband).

As far as what I can offer her in a friendship - we've been only talking through email/phone every few months for years. I have seen her approximately once a year for the past 15 years, and she never gave me any indication that me being younger and having a different lifestyle than hers was a problem to her. She actually has commented many times that she loves seeing me change and grow into a different person than she did. We've always had this dynamic, and we do have many of the same interests that we always talked about. I don't believe she really thought my problems now would "ruin" our friendship. And I'm sure if I had never had these problems, our friendship would have continued and there wouldn't have been any "hard work" involved. I do wish I had never told her, or had kept it at the same level as I've been keeping it at with my other friends. Would have saved me (and her) a lot of heartache.

I think I'm going to wait for quite awhile longer before I contact her though. I do have some hope though, and I'm sure I will try eventually.

[scorpiosis37]

If you don't mind me asking, have you left your husband or are you attempting to work it out through therapy?

[Daidiebug]

I am not with him anymore. He got a job about 3 hours away 2 weeks ago and moved out. I told him I was not going with him. I was worried about his reaction, but he just left. He even said he has no desire to raise 3 kids so I can have them. So I have been by myself since then. I am glad, because I believe he is setting the precedent for me to have custody. My biggest concern in all of this was the kids - I really wanted them to stay with me. I have known for a long time that I really needed to get out and was planning to, I just needed to find the right time. And this has (luckily) been the perfect way and worked out much better than I had hoped.

As far as my friend. I have felt like I have to choose between her and him, which seems so unfair, but I think I understand. But I still do not know if she will want me back in her life regardless of whether I am with him or not. So I decided not to make any decisions based on her. But what I can say is that even though it took as long as it did for me to finally not be living with him, I have slowly gotten better. Emotionally I am miles away from where I was at this point last year. So I know I am making progress, just slowly. And I think my emotions will take a long time to completely heal.

[Daidiebug]

I just wanted to give an update. I contacted my friend a little over a week ago. I only told her that I was no longer living with my husband, thanked her for all her help, and apologized for what I put her through.

She wrote back and said she couldn't even tell me how many times she's thought of me this past year and that she had been so scared my husband was going to kill me or the kids. She said it had become maddening to her that she couldn't find the trigger to make me leave before I got hurt, and that she finally stopped communicating because she felt like she'd become my crutch. She said she felt like she just had to leave and let me figure it out on my own.

She said she is happy to pick our friendship up now that I am getting help and hopes that I am reaching out to other friends as well. She did ask me if I'm in the process of a divorce. I was pretty nervous about telling her I had not filed for divorce yet, but I didn't want to lie, so I told her the truth. She said she realizes divorce is a big step and hopes I will keep taking baby steps forward, and that she wants to be here for my recovery.

I was so relieved. And I am cautiously happy... although I will be treading much more carefully from now on! I do not want to lose her again!