[seekinglove]

So, my bf... well ex bf.. I just dont know what to do.. i have never been that in love of someone and wanting to marry someone, i mean im scared of marriage (parents divorced), so when we decided to get married (dec 2015) i just couldnt believe my life was finally getting in place, he has his imperfections but i loved them, and also he treated me like i finally deserved someone to treat me, he even opened my door every time we went in the car, it was great.. then i get pregnant... it was a shock for both of us.. we wanted to wait, we even thought of not having the baby and to wait 2 more years, but i just couldnt sleep with that so when i was 7 months preg.. he left... without explanations and by phone! He told me he needed space caz i was calling him a lot... i agree i did that, i was crazy on hormones, but.. i just wanted to not feel alone caz he had to work more and we just didnt see each other much, so i just wanted to talk to him at least 2 times a day, but i just got desperate, caz he wouldnt tell me or answer me...

Anyways, now the bby ir born, he hasnt been around, he didnt go to the hospital at all.. something im not sure how can i forget.. for 2 weeks we were doing better, we talked for like 2 hours on the phone, it looked like i could see the light and that we wer gonna fix it, but since of my depression i just wanted him to hug me and we got carried away and kissed and stuff so i think he got scared the 2nd tims and now he doesnt want to answer me or talk to me at all. I guess its true i tempted him a little, i just want everything to go back to how it was.. i wish he would go with me to couples therapy but i dont even know how to ask that.. and now i have to debate on if i should go to child support, caz he hasnt helped me at all! But what i really think is that if i take him to child support, we will never get back together, and i dont want that..

I just dont know what to do...

Here is a little more of my backstory.. (sorry its a little long!)

He left... - Forums at Psych Central

[seekinglove]

i just dont want to lose him

[divine1966]

Honey sorry but right now I wonder if you should focus on
Your baby
And make sure you ex pays child support! I
Think he is bad news as a partner so sorry.
His lack of involvement with his child says it all

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[healingme4me]

Your child deserves for you to pursue child support. It's a simple form that can be submitted in your local family probate clerks office. The fact that he hasn't been around displays lack of responsibility. Of course it hurts and is painful to be broken up with, and this is the type of behavior that hurts children, in the long run. Seems like false hope, wishful thinking waiting for him to come back into your arms. Are you pursuing individual counseling, even though he's not open to couples counseling?

[IceCreamKid]

I hope you find this helpful. I am trying to consider everyone in the picture.

Get on birth control. Since you were shocked the first time your boyfriend impregnated you, it could happen again. Many people who have a baby think they are somehow not going to get pregnant again--but you can.

Make the necessary legal arrangements for your baby's father to support his child to the best of his ability. The child's well-being is important and having dad supporting the baby is best.

Take the steps necessary to get your life on track so you can make a happy home for yourself and the baby--with or without daddy. Education, work and home are the three things you need to focus on to make a good home for baby.

It's not all right that this man abandoned you. I'm not going to give him a pass on that. However, he is more likely to come back around if he thinks he will not have to be your entire and singular lifeline. Stop calling him other than to set up a time for him to see the baby once a week or whatever is practical.

If you can find low or no cost therapy, it will help you see your own intrinsic worth, help you overcome the effects of your parents' divorce and to be the best parent you can be, with or without a man.

Congratulation on the birth of your baby! All the struggle is worth it to have a child and I wish you the very best.

[seekinglove]

Originally Posted by divine1966

Honey sorry but right now I wonder if you should focus on
Your baby
And make sure you ex pays child support! I
Think he is bad news as a partner so sorry.
His lack of involvement with his child says it all

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Im trying to have all my focus on my baby but sometimes i start to think or my phone has an app (timehop) shows pictures of the sameday for every last few years and hes everywhere so i just fall back down

[seekinglove]

Originally Posted by healingme4me

Your child deserves for you to pursue child support. It's a simple form that can be submitted in your local family probate clerks office. The fact that he hasn't been around displays lack of responsibility. Of course it hurts and is painful to be broken up with, and this is the type of behavior that hurts children, in the long run. Seems like false hope, wishful thinking waiting for him to come back into your arms. Are you pursuing individual counseling, even though he's not open to couples counseling?

I already made an appt to have counseling, and im gonna go tomorrow to a lawyer to start a case..

I really thought of going to his house tomorrow so that he can see his bby and try to talk to him to see if we could go to therapy... but idk if its to soon or idk what to do

[healingme4me]

The request for child support is relatively simple.
Maybe force stop the timehop app, for the time being?
If you're this unnerved, over photos, what will showing up accomplish?

[seekinglove]

Originally Posted by IceCreamKid

I hope you find this helpful. I am trying to consider everyone in the picture.

Get on birth control. Since you were shocked the first time your boyfriend impregnated you, it could happen again. Many people who have a baby think they are somehow not going to get pregnant again--but you can.

Make the necessary legal arrangements for your baby's father to support his child to the best of his ability. The child's well-being is important and having dad supporting the baby is best.

Take the steps necessary to get your life on track so you can make a happy home for yourself and the baby--with or without daddy. Education, work and home are the three things you need to focus on to make a good home for baby.

It's not all right that this man abandoned you. I'm not going to give him a pass on that. However, he is more likely to come back around if he thinks he will not have to be your entire and singular lifeline. Stop calling him other than to set up a time for him to see the baby once a week or whatever is practical.

If you can find low or no cost therapy, it will help you see your own intrinsic worth, help you overcome the effects of your parents' divorce and to be the best parent you can be, with or without a man.

Congratulation on the birth of your baby! All the struggle is worth it to have a child and I wish you the very best.

Thanks for keeping everything on perspective.
Im gonna have an operation so i dont have more kids.. i have 2, 2 bad relationships, i couldnt bare to do this again..

I already graduated, so my focus is work, and one day im going to an excercise class, which for me is a therapy, im really trying to do everything to keep my mind busy so i dont think of him, even this forum is helping me to write it all down.

For me a dad relationship is so important, i would even drive for him to be with her, but i shouldnt do that, i just dont know what else to do, and at first since im angry and hurt i said that i didnt wanted him to see her and all of that.. u know, a somehow typical reaction..

Its true that i should not call him, i try really hard, sometimes i dont resist but im trying! I might go to see him tommorrow though... wanted to talk to him... i want to get couples therapy, i was also gonna go to a lawyer tommorrow... but maybe if i just wait he could come back...

Thanks for your response and the hug, everytime i see my baby's eyes i knoe everything is worth it, and im sure it will get better! Its just hard to be on the waiting line

[seekinglove]

Originally Posted by healingme4me

The request for child support is relatively simple.
Maybe force stop the timehop app, for the time being?
If you're this unnerved, over photos, what will showing up accomplish?

True.. i should quit the app... Idk, his fam invited me, and maybe if i go it could start the whole peace thing? I know even though he wont say it, i know it will make him happy to b with her

[healingme4me]

You can even establish visitation through the courts, albeit unwed. If it's his family attempting this, perhaps tread lightly. I know that the probate judges around here, view child support payments that are current and consistent as symbolic of fulfilling parental obligations...

With my personal distrustful nature, what's their edge?. Why isn't he man enough to ask for visitation.

[seekinglove]

Originally Posted by healingme4me

You can even establish visitation through the courts, albeit unwed. If it's his family attempting this, perhaps tread lightly. I know that the probate judges around here, view child support payments that are current and consistent as symbolic of fulfilling parental obligations...

With my personal distrustful nature, what's their edge?. Why isn't he man enough to ask for visitation.

At least his fam defends me, we had our diferences at first but after that wev become really close..

He asked me last week, he was supposed to go thursday or friday.. thursday he never answered, friday... he said he was busy.......

[healingme4me]

Having children is a huge adjustment. Is he busy working or still not done with the sowing of wild oats?

[divine1966]

You can force father to pay child support through courts (many still don't but at least you can pursue it) but you absolutely cannot force anyone to see the child and keep visitations (it sucks but it is a reality) and for sure you can't force one to be in a relationship with you. Doesn't work this way.

Its not giving up it is simply accepting the reality of the situation

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[seekinglove]

Originally Posted by healingme4me

Having children is a huge adjustment. Is he busy working or still not done with the sowing of wild oats?

He is always working... monday through saturday.. he has his own business so he works all the time..

I think he is still in shock that he has another baby

[seekinglove]

Originally Posted by divine1966

You can force father to pay child support through courts (many still don't but at least you can pursue it) but you absolutely cannot force anyone to see the child and keep visitations (it sucks but it is a reality) and for sure you can't force one to be in a relationship with you. Doesn't work this way.

Its not giving up it is simply accepting the reality of the situation

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True, it just hurts.. i at least wanted to have an agreement with him but he still wont do anything to talk to me, i just wanted to go to a couples therapy, idk i think we deserve a 2nd chance, i mean he practically broke up with me because all of the things he had on his shoulders, and me being emotional did not help at all...

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by seekinglove

He is always working... monday through saturday.. he has his own business so he works all the time..

I think he is still in shock that he has another baby

That's a rather strange excuse. He is in shock he has a baby? Are you looking for excuses for his lack of involvement? I know it's upsetting he isn't helping with the child but I would give up on relationship wit him. Do pursue a child support and suggest options for visitations though. He must pay but seeing a child cannot be forced.

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[seekinglove]

Yes, its true, i do find myself defending him on his behavior.. i will see if go to the lawyer today.. :/ he told me that once the baby is more stronger to tell him so he can pick her up, but she is just barely 2 months old, he cant just take her, shes so little

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by seekinglove

True, it just hurts.. i at least wanted to have an agreement with him but he still wont do anything to talk to me, i just wanted to go to a couples therapy, idk i think we deserve a 2nd chance, i mean he practically broke up with me because all of the things he had on his shoulders, and me being emotional did not help at all...

It sure hurts. I feel for you.

Listen if a man doesn't want to be with you therapy isn't going to fix it. You aren't together. Couple therapy is for couples.

Does he say he wants you two to be couple then sure try second chance of not then you are the only trying. It doesn't work this way.

I do feel for you but he broke up with you, sure you want him back but you can't force it

I left my ex (we don't have kids together) almost a year ago and he only now stopped asking me to come back. I am done, stayed friends with him but am not going to go back. No amount of him asking would change it. When people want to be gone you can't make them stay.

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[divine1966]

Originally Posted by seekinglove

Yes, its true, i do find myself defending him on his behavior.. i will see if go to the lawyer today.. :/ he told me that once the baby is more stronger to tell him so he can pick her up, but she is just barely 2 months old, he cant just take her, shes so little

He can come visit a baby at your place. Have a schedule. When baby is older then establish custody and visitations through courts or between two of you and go from
There. Good luck

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[seekinglove]

Thanks! And your right.. i need an advice though, im gonna try to talk to him for last time.. like right now, should i bring my bby with me so he can see her? Or will it just be a distraction?

[divine1966]

I wouldn't go there at all. I assume you are going to discuss child care support and other child related issues do so just call or email. If he asks to see baby then arrange it. Dont just go to his house

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[seekinglove]

Originally Posted by divine1966

I wouldn't go there at all. I assume you are going to discuss child care support and other child related issues do so just call or email. If he asks to see baby then arrange it. Dont just go to his house

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I didnt go.. and went to the court and filed a case. I hate myself for it.. i feel the little chance i had to get back together with him, i screwed it up

Deeeeep down i know i did the right thing

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by seekinglove

I didnt go.. and went to the court and filed a case. I hate myself for it.. i feel the little chance i had to get back together with him, i screwed it up

Deeeeep down i know i did the right thing

You did the right thing. You should be proud not hate yourself. If he is a decent man he knows he has to pay child support. You screw up nothing here. As about getting back together, trust me if he wanted to be there with you he would be. And you filing for child support shouldn't effect how he feels about you and his child!

Listen as your baby gets a bit older closer to an year old you will start dating and eventually meet the right person who treats you right.

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[seekinglove]

Hope so

Hes acting like this idk why, he is not like this at all, its just scary