Would you date a man who can't support you?

I want to ask women who WOULD date a man who could not support you, why so?

I'm asking because I have a hidden disability / chronic illness. Unemployment and underemployment are very high for people with my condition, and many, if not most cannot drive. That being said, if you met me you would see a healthy somewhat attractive guy who looks younger than he is. I'm somewhat inept socially, but I am funny and intelligent. I have a masters degree, and have worked a variety of jobs. The problem is that I have never been able to support myself for any length of time. I'm really struggling right now because I want very badly to pursue a relationship and marriage, but I'm afraid I just can't pull my own weight. The question in my mind is, "What can I offer a woman?" I'm really serious about that.

I've had lots of people tell me that "I'll meet someone", or "Everything will work out", "I'll find the right person", etc. They mean well but I'm afraid it's not very realistic. I can easily see a woman in my situation finding a husband, but not a man finding a wife, and anecdotally this seems to be true. I'm sure that lots of women probably would like to think this would be ok (equality, etc.), but I really can't see it. For me personally, I don't think I would deal very well with being dependent, but the worst would be the fear that at some point she would leave me. (From growing up I tend to see women as resenting men.) What we would do about having children is another thing. I can and do work, but I really think it would not be enough. Finding companionship, love, and all that is great, but I can't see that being enough for most women in the long term. Let me know if I'm wrong. The issue isn't who makes more, it's how she would see me.

So, if you are a woman why would you consider dating someone in a situation similar to myself? Or, if you actually did, and especially if you got married, how did it go?

Basically I'm trying to justify things to myself. It almost seems wrong to put myself out there, without more to offer. It wasn't as big an issue earlier in life because I was still very young, healthier, and had more potential.

I believe that if a person's heart is in the right place, things like what you describe shouldn't matter to the right person. Dating is just getting to know someone for starters..whatever came later should depend on both partners. I don't like shallow minded people who look for an easy way out of every situation..( Not meaning you ) I'm not entirely certain what your health problems pertain to, but I believe when two people fall in love with each other, they can and do overcome obstacles. You need to keep your chin up, stay positive, and maybe pray about this situation if you are inclined to, and let God provide that lucky lady..He's always in control if we let Him be..if you haven't applied for disability for your seizures, etc. then maybe you want to consider this..Don't look down on yourself; there is always someone out there much worse off. I hope I have helped in some small way, and not offended you at all Walking Man...

Yeah, don't put yourself down . There are plenty of people out there only too happy to do that for you. As to what women want, who knows? probably not even them.

My best friend's mom got married to an unemployed paraplegic after divorcing their perfectly fit and employed alcoholic dad.


She's happy.


Me?

I would and have, it just wasn't an issue, annnnd my employment future doesn't look so bright either, so I hope my bf won't look down on me for earning peanuts.

My BFF married a guy who has a TON of social anxiety issues. He can get a job but only keeps it for about 2 months before he implodes and just can't take it. She doesn't mind at all. They finally decided to take the kids out of daycare and he stayed at home with them. Now they are in school and he's found that he can help my friend out a little(she's a graphic artist). He doesn't drive due to his anxiety so the kids carpool with a neighbor and she takes them to school and drops them off. It works really well for them. He does all the cooking and cleaning and twice a week they do take out so he can get out of the kitchen. It works for them. My friend is actually ecstatic because she's always cared more about her art and working then staying home being domestic. So for them it works really well

My husband is disabled and I resent it. In the beginning we were fine because he cleaned the house, our sex life was great and he could make himself useful. now he's always in and out of the hospital for something. We haven't had sex in months and he's completely useless around the house. I won't leave because I made a commitment but it's really hard to not just go off on him all the time. He was and to a certain extent is verbally abusive which doesn't really do much for the situation. We still make it work though.

I don't need a man to support me. Even when I was married and when I lived with a man I always worked (minus short time right after I had a baby)

But at the same time I wouldn't date a man who needs to be fully supported. The reason is that due to budget cuts my salary barely allows me to pay bills, in fact I need a second job because I am having hard time with bills.

I simply cannot afford to take financial care of a man and if that's something I must do I'd rather be alone.
I am not selfish of materialistic I just cannot afford to support two people on one income

Now if he does work just not making much then it is fine! I don't make much either. Or if he temporarily not working then it is fine too. But taking on A man with permanently no income wouldn't be something I can do. Just can't afford.

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One thing I could do for sure is educate the kids. I could also teach them music and art. I could take care of the house, including maintenance and remodeling.

Do you have teaching degree? If not can you teach like at the community centers? Or could you get teaching certificate? It might be an option?

I am just brainstorming. Now remodeling or maintenance is useful but only if live in
The house. If you live in condo or apartment then it loses its importance

Do you work now? Can you maintain a job? Or it is too difficult. I feel for you.

I think as long as you work (any job) you should be ok finding a woman.


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I don't need or want a man to support me but I would want a man to be able to support himself whether that be by working or by receiving disability benefits.

I was in a relationship living with a man who made little money as a mechanic so he stopped working and took care of our son and the household. He cooked, did the laundry and all the things a traditional stay at home wife did. It was wonderful until he started using meth and became abusive. He had nowhere to go and no income and eventually he ended up homeless on the streets. It was bad all the way around.

As a guy in a similar position (on disability) I can understand where you're coming from to an extent. Online dating sites seem to be the way to go for people, the new traditional outlet, but you'll find people putting "job, car, home" as a requirement for the person they've yet to meet. And I understand why. Don't blame them really. But it's hard not to take that stuff to heart and not to start feeling as if everyone feels that way. As if maybe you don't deserve life, love or liberty because you make just enough to live and no more. In a society where you're judged more for what you do than who you are. I don't know what the answer is. I know logically there are people out there who wouldn't care after they got to know you as a person, but disclosing it all up front when there are who knows how many other potential suitors, well... then what? Mislead until later?

It's tough. I think "you'll meet somebody" is irresponsible. Tons of people live out life alone. There isn't someone for everyone. All we can do is learn to be content in our own company and hope for the best. Maybe find a way to meet people in real life using meetup or something, get to know them as friends with similar interests, put the personality out there first rather than through disclosing it all through the catalogue-like nature of dating hubs and feeling that rejection over and over again. Easier said than done for sure.

I've looked into disability (applied twice), but it looks like I would be worse off in every way on disability, including financially. I'm looking at something like $600 a month, minus housing. I may not be able to support myself, but I can do better than that.

I don't have a teaching certificate, getting one would essentially mean getting another master's. Teaching professionally is basically a closed door. I've been inventive and tried everything.

BearPaws: That's the thing. You have to get past having coffee! I feel the same about being judged. Our whole society is becoming so impersonal and superficial.

It is HARD to meet people, and it's getting harder as I get older. I don't have a social circle, my friends and family live thousands of miles away. I'm not 25 anymore, I'm 40. Nobody my age "hangs out" anymore. Most women of my age and education (or 10 years younger) are professionals. They don't want to go out with me for the same reason employers won't hire me. There are lots of better options. It's really hard for me to be outgoing, and I go way out of my comfort zone, but I'm so discouraged. It's not just women either, so many things have come to nothing the past 15 years. I've given up trying to figure it out. At some point you do start asking yourself, "What is so terribly wrong with me?" You would think by sheer accident something would happen. In a million years I would never have imagined myself where I am today. I'm not saying this to be down on myself, but you really do feel worthless after so long. I did all the stuff I was supposed to. Didn't drink, no drugs, no smoking, didn't fool around, respected my parents, treat women with respect, finished school, finished grad school, took responsible risks, did jobs I didn't like for longer than I liked. I have faults too, but I'm just not THAT bad. I'm grateful for what I have, it could be a lot worse, but I just don't know where to go from here.

no. I expect so much.

What's your masters in? You might not need another degree just teaching courses to add to your degree and practicum. What degrees do you have? What jobs can you do? If you have education why can't you work? Health?

Can you work jobs like waiting tables or retail? Any job is better than none. It all goes on your resume. Bunch of my students work and some work many hours and they are still in high school, and have disabilities ( I teach special Ed). And I live in a state with huge unemployment.

What I am trying to say maybe you can work something that appears beneath you but surely it's better than nothing. I have hard time financially (and an tutoring and teach homebound kids and still can't make it) so am looking for weekend job: like a store. Who cares? One needs to pay bills

Is there any vocational services you can go to and ask find you a job? We have one and they help you to find a job.

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I don't have much to say besides that I feel for you.

I dislike it when good people aren't given chances.

Extending my prayers ~

I don't care if someone can support me or not - I can support myself.

But, I wouldn't start to get involved with someone if they couldn't support themselves. Because I do not want to spend my life supporting someone else... that would be asking me to give up everything else I enjoy in my life, because my wage is good but it's not good enough to fully support another adult.

That said... if I was in a serious commited relationship with someone, and something happened where they could no longer support themselves... I would stick with them, because I love them and was already commited to them.

Again though - if I met someone and they were currently unemployed but were looking for work, that wouldn't be a problem because life works that way. But I wouldn't continue to see someone if I found out that they wouldn't ever be working.

Dear Walking Man,
Despite what the world represents, our worth to society is not based on our financial standing. In order for a relationship to be successful and withstanding, each party will have to possess what the other needs and values the most. I can appreciate your difficult position as an underemployed man seeking a mate. Many, not all, women are programmed by society to be attracted to men who can maxmize their financial security. Instinctively, I believe women are seeking security in a mate but the priority and exclusivity does not always have to be financial. There are women out there looking for a man who can protect her protect her physically and emotionally. Someone honerable, supportive, and safe. You may have to invest a bit more time, effort, and creativity to find such women. Realistically, you may have to search in pools with women who are financially secured. For example, busy career people use both online and offline services more. You may find a widow, divorcee, or an heiress who volunteers full time with a local charitable. When you do meet a prospect, be honest upfront with not only what you are unable to bring to the relationship (financial security) but make them aware of the needs you are capable of fulfilling (emotional support, physical intimacy, companionship, stimulating conversation, and perhaps make a mean lasagna). Don't allow societal norms minimize your self worth and prevent you from finding that special woman who will love and cherish you for you and not your net worth. Keep your chin up.

Wishing you all the best and hope love finds you soon.

h2s

Let's reverse the question. Why would a Man date a woman who couldn't support him?

Why does this question matter one way and not the other?

Huh? No men I ever dated or lived with expected me to support them. That was never a requirement. Am I not understanding your question?

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I believe the question in the OP is being asked in reverse...


So instead of "would a woman date a man who couldn't support you?"


The question "would a man date a woman who couldn't support him?" Was brought forth.


Valid question IMO as it hits close to home. Not that I don't or can't work, but I do have "special requirements" that sorely decreases my income potential.


Requirements I never imagined I'd need. Requirements that shattered my plans of being financially free, I mean I get by, but that's about it. Although my bf makes his own money and shyt, so my income doesn't affect him, I secretly do fear being looked down on, or worse, being pushed to "try harder".


Especially since he's known me forever and is aware of my "potential" but bipolar doesn't give a flying frack about potential, and it's hard to describe to people who don't live it.

Oh I see. I misunderstood a question.

Personally I never had a man supporting me and I was married, lived with and dated. Never look for a man to support me. I didn't even went to college full time, I worked and took night classes. The only time I didn't work was briefly after having a baby because it was not reasonable for us to pay child care, but that was brief and was decided together

I guess there are women who want men to support them, don't know

By the same token I am not looking for a man to support either

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A woman who can support herself and is open minded to you would be good for you. I am a woman and in the same situation as you and I think no man would want me. I have self esteem issues I need to work on and maybe you have some too. I wish you all the best.

I don't think it is that easy.

I support myself and am open minded. I dated all kind of people and am not materialistic and am very giving but I cannot afford supporting a man. I can't feed two people on my income. And I suspect many women are in the same boat. Open mind is great but one has to eat!

I don't want to sound pessimistic but the reality is most couples can't live on one income in our days economy


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Walking Man, have you tried contacting your state vocational rehabilitation office? Voc rehab helps people who can no longer work at what they used to find another source of employment. They work with folks with disabilities to help them become independent.

My personal answer to your question will be a downer. I, personally, would not enter a relationship with anyone who needed me to support them. Wouldn't matter if it was a man, woman, friend, whatever. As others have said, I have a nice income, but it's not enough to support another person. I'm a 60 year old widow. I was married for 23 years to a man I had to support emotionally and, at times, financially. I was a caregiver for my mother the last couple of years of her life. I work counseling at risk kids. I just don't have it in me to take care of/support another person at this stage of my life.

Having said that, I do believe it is possible for two people who want to be together to work out what you want. It would be more difficult than two able bodied folks entering a relationship, but would be possible.

Someone else mentioned meetup.com. What about checking out what they have to offer in your area to have a chance to meet folks?

Also I think if women already have kids some might prefer to use extra income on their kids rather than looking for a stranger to support?

I love men probably too much lol but if I have extra income all of a sudden I would consider helping my daughter with something or maybe if I had no kids then even my niece and nephews or my mom rather than a strange man ( I don't mean if my husband or boyfriend needs support but I mean looking for a man to support)

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I think the OP's question is being somewhat misunderstood in the last handful of replies. He's able to support himself just fine but that's all he's able to do. He seems to be asking more specifically if there are women out there who wouldn't mind that he can only support himself and doesn't have a lot extra. It's easy to get the impression that people out there aren't okay with that when you enter the dating scene and part of the damn match process is often your income vs. their desired income in a partner. When it comes to 'dating', making just enough probably doesn't feel like enough because we (both genders, to be fair) are often judged more for what we do and what we make and our long-term security prospects than who we are at first meeting. I can understand the confusion though.

I do think it's best to try to meet people in more organic ways to avoid this issue but I can understand your frustration, Walking. It already gets harder at the 30 mark to meet people, can imagine that just continues. Depending on your area though there really may be meetup groups specifically for your age group. Maybe see if you can meet some people without the idea of dating ever coming into the equation and let your personality shine.

There's definitely an element of truth here for me, too and I'm sure for many others. A lot of it is less peoples reactions and more the fear of their potential reactions as a direct result of low self-esteem. Good input.