[lizzabell]

My boyfriend and I have been together a year and some change now and I think we fight like most couples, I think that much is normal and healthy. But I've had difficulty getting over something recently and I'm not sure if I'm over-reacting or not.

When we're hanging out, its pretty normal that if I leave the room, he'll grab my phone and set a funny photo of his face as my background, and I love it and I think its hilarious. So he just finished up with a huge load of schoolwork and was feeling sick and exhausted and I had ordered him soup and was trying to help him feel better. He walked out to go take a shower and I wanted to leave him a funny photo of me on his phone to make him laugh and so I take the photo and I go to photos to set it as the background and he has 2 pictures of this girl from his class. Both photos are zoomed in on her cleavage.

Its a girl I know he said he used to have a crush on before he dated me and she sits right next to him all the time.

And I immediately thought "oh some jackass from class probably wanted him to send them those photos" so I try to look on there to see if he had sent them and he hadn't. And I've never snooped on his phone like that, I felt slimy.

I also wondered if he had taken other photos like this I'm unaware of. I mean to check out a girl in passing, I do the same thing with men, that's 100% understandable. I don't understand the necessity of a picture though.

We had a good fight about it where he basically said he's a man and that

Possible trigger:

tits are tits and *** is ***

and that sometimes he just checks a girl out and I'm fine with that. I just feel creeped out by the fact that he took a photo, like to save it for later or something. He has been very kind about it though, he deleted them, apologized about 100 million times, and he said it was just a mistake and a dumb idea.

Now I just feel like it's difficult to trust him and after the fight I just hardly wanted him to touch me. I just feel like he is just slimy to me now. I want to hug him but touching him and looking at his face makes me sad.

To be quite honest, it makes me feel very inadequate. I just feel like I'm not enough. I'm a nerd who dresses in whatever is comfortable, not some girl who wear skirts and v-necks. I mean if he took a picture of her, does that mean that's what he wants in a woman? Is that how he wishes I'd dress?

We had plans to start a lease together in August and live together for the first time, I wonder if we should discuss pausing that for another year. If I keep feeling so alienated and unattractive to him, I really don't want to live with him and have things go sour.

Am I over-reacting to this whole situation?
Is my reaction normal?

[CANDC]

Welcome to Psych Central (PC) lizzabell. Sorry to hear you are suffering from relationship issues. These can be bumps in the roads to two caring people or a pothole that disables a relationship if one person like the man is narcissistic and insensitive. relationships are a lot more than the body. If that is all he wants, there is not much to talk about after the excitement fades a little.

Some people choose talk therapy with a therapist if the relationship is worth saving or just to help themselves.

Many people who are actively involved in Psych Central find it helps take them out of their own problems to develop empathy for others. And their problems though still there are more manageable. There are lots of compassionate people here that can make the load lighter by sharing and caring. Feel free to participate actively at Psych Central.

Some people find the forums give them the compassion and empathy they seek. http://forums.psychcentral.com

Please feel free to private message me or any of the Community Liaisons by left clicking on the name in blue to the left of their post) for questions or just to share.

In my opinion your reaction is perfectly normal. I would have acted the same way as you if I had been in your shoes. There is a difference between noticing attractive people on the street and taking photos of them, objectifying them sexually, when you are in a relationship. I understand fully how you feel about a lack of trust in your boyfriend now. You have reason to be concerned about moving in with him in August. What he has done is unacceptable for someone in a relationship, like you two are. I am glad to hear that he has apologized many times and realized he had done something wrong. It is up to him now to make it up to you through time so that you may regain trust in him again. Is this the first time something like this has happened or has he given you cause for concern in the past? If that's the case and this is a repeated action this is a warning flag for your relationship - maybe he is not the right guy for you.

[lizardlady]

Originally Posted by NewLyfeForReal

In my opinion your reaction is perfectly normal. I would have acted the same way as you if I had been in your shoes. There is a difference between noticing attractive people on the street and taking photos of them, objectifying them sexually, when you are in a relationship. I understand fully how you feel about a lack of trust in your boyfriend now. You have reason to be concerned about moving in with him in August. What he has done is unacceptable for someone in a relationship, like you two are. I am glad to hear that he has apologized many times and realized he had done something wrong. It is up to him now to make it up to you through time so that you may regain trust in him again. Is this the first time something like this has happened or has he given you cause for concern in the past? If that's the case and this is a repeated action this is a warning flag for your relationship - maybe he is not the right guy for you.

I agree.

[Bill3]

Now I just feel like it's difficult to trust him and after the fight I just hardly wanted him to touch me. I just feel like he is just slimy to me now. I want to hug him but touching him and looking at his face makes me sad.

To be quite honest, it makes me feel very inadequate. I just feel like I'm not enough. I'm a nerd who dresses in whatever is comfortable, not some girl who wear skirts and v-necks. I mean if he took a picture of her, does that mean that's what he wants in a woman? Is that how he wishes I'd dress?

What if you discussed these specific feelings with him?

[s4ndm4n2006]

Originally Posted by NewLyfeForReal

In my opinion your reaction is perfectly normal. I would have acted the same way as you if I had been in your shoes. There is a difference between noticing attractive people on the street and taking photos of them, objectifying them sexually, when you are in a relationship. I understand fully how you feel about a lack of trust in your boyfriend now. You have reason to be concerned about moving in with him in August. What he has done is unacceptable for someone in a relationship, like you two are. I am glad to hear that he has apologized many times and realized he had done something wrong. It is up to him now to make it up to you through time so that you may regain trust in him again. Is this the first time something like this has happened or has he given you cause for concern in the past? If that's the case and this is a repeated action this is a warning flag for your relationship - maybe he is not the right guy for you.

Very well said and I agree.

[kaliope]

hi lizzabell
i really cant say it any better than what the other two posters have said. it may have been "innocent" on his part, but it was a really dumb move and thoughtless thing to do. It is disrespectful to you and your relationship. It may have been a lapse in judgement, but i would be left wondering how often I would have to worry about these lapses in the long term. I would wait before moving in together as well. welcome to psych central. you will find we have several forums where you can post about your concerns and receive feedback from other members. you will get a lot of support here. again, welcome