[Williamd37]

My wife's past bothers me. I met her when she was 20 and we have been married 7 years now and have 4 children. She has told me about past relationships and past childhood problems. She's told me how many guys she's been sexual with and even though I've been with more women it still bothers me. Why? Lately she has made comments like "if I was into black guys I would go for a guy like him" and "that's why I've liked mexican guys". Also I told her I wasn't self conscious about the guys from other states that I don't know, she responded with "well if you knew them then you probably would be". I don't know why these things have bothered me so much. I've suspected her of cheating but everything I look into I find out she isn't. I guess I just don't understand why she loves ME and I feel like I'm not good enough for her even though she shows me she loves me and treats me very well. I just don't feel like I deserve her.

[ChipperMonkey]

I think your wife is being a bit cruel by saying those things to you. Its hurtful to tell your partner "hey, I'd go for that guy right over there!"....don't get me wrong, EVERYONE looks, but you know what, that's where it ends. There is no need to rub your attraction to someone else in your partner's face. It seems a bit immature IMHO.

[~Christina]

Have you told your wife her comments are hurtful??? As for you feeling like you don't deserve her ......can you identify any specific reasons? Are you feeling good about yourself in other aspects of your life? Or maybe your feeling bad overall.. I would suggest maybe see a Therapist, that would allow you to look at your relationships and self worth and find ways to feel better.

Seriously, talk to your wife about her making such comments, as Chippermonkey said Everybody looks... No need to make comments.

Hope your feeling better soon. Welcome to PC

[healingme4me]

I agree, sounds out of line to make such comments. Rude, imo.

Before I started reading these boards, I had no idea how common it is for men to be bothered by their wives' or girlfriends' sexual past. So you're far from being alone.

After I read the remarks that your wife makes to you, all I could think was no wonder you're bothered. I was trying to think of why your wife would say those kind of things to you. It seems like insecurity must be at the root of it, even if it's buried fairly deep. Even if she wants you to get angry at the remarks.

Maybe you can have a discussion with her and agree not to discuss past sexual experiences and also not to make specific remarks about other people now, like how they are attractive or sexually appealing. It would be much more respectful and helpful to your relationship.

Even if you never make the kind of remarks that she does, it may work better to present it as things that the both of you will not discuss or remark on to help strengthen your relationship.

I'm glad you found Psych Central. These boards are a great place to air problems and it's fairly anonymous, which is good for discussing marital problems.

If going to couples therapy is a realistic option for the two of you, I think that would be great.

[Bill3]

I just don't feel like I deserve her.

I wonder if you can trust her to decide that for herself whether or not you are worthy.

I feel like I'm not good enough for her even though she shows me she loves me and treats me very well

It looks like she has already decided: In her eyes, you do deserve her, you are worthy.

I guess I just don't understand why she loves ME

What if you asked her?

[divine1966]

Ask her to stop Making comments that are hurtful

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