Does my partner deserve someone better?

I've struggled with low self-esteem my whole life, but I've never felt this unlovable before. It's just the reality hitting that I'm not good enough for my partner. And I won't be good enough tomorrow either. Maybe if I'm lucky, I'll be good enough in 2-3 years, but who would wait around that long?

I mean, I still have 2 years left of my degree, so that factors into it as it's difficult to make the major life changes while in grad school (like moving somewhere else for a job etc. for example). I'm not realistically going to have a full time job or make a significant income/be financially independent while I'm still working on my doctorate and I realize that makes me not relationship material…will it be good enough to just get small jobs here and there or what will be good enough to prove I'm not worthless?

I struggle with being independent and my parents have made sure that I continue to struggle with it. I'm starting to really hate visiting them…I'm discouraged from going anywhere by myself or having my own opinion. And when I wanted to make sure I finished my finals early so I could be in my hometown for some gigs, my dad said if you need $X, I'll give you $X and thought it was ridiculous to be putting any effort to making what I'm sure is just pocket change to him. By the way, I did put in the effort and I'm going to make that pocket change!

Who could ever love someone who isn't already fully independent by the time they get their first degree, let alone their 4th (in my case)? I've learned how to take care of a home by myself, but it's just the whole going to school and paying for a degree and living expenses without financial aid which has me financially dependent on my parents because I would like to have no debt. I have yet to figure out how to make more than a hundred or two here and there without it conflicting with my schoolwork. Does that make me irresponsible, bad relationship material etc.? Does my partner deserve someone better? Someone super human who can juggle a full time job with a full time doctoral degree?

And like I said, I admittedly have low self-esteem and it's said frequently (on this forum even) that such people are by definition unlovable and/or are incapable of love (since those people struggle so much to love themselves). I also have depression and anxiety and who knows what else…

I've tried to get into therapy. The therapists have cancelled many times and I had to switch an appointment because I had to be out of town suddenly. So it's not like I'm not trying right?

And I don't excuse my actions because of my mental issues nor do I make a habit of blaming others. I take responsibility for my actions and behaviors that may have been hurtful to my partner and I immediately (and sincerely) apologize. I'm not sure what else to do. To become someone who is never in a bad mood and/or is never snappy/short-tempered/easily frustrated while in a bad mood is going to take a long time.

And then I also have issues with sex (I have no issues with libido, just with enjoying it, being orgasmic, and being connected emotionally during). I keep thinking he deserves someone that he doesn't have to work so hard to have them enjoy the experience. And I still don't understand how he's attracted to me…no one's ever really been attracted to me before.

And he doesn't deserve someone who has such low self-esteem, that needs to be heard and validated so much that it's annoying (I've never truly felt heard before, so it's difficult to not want to get a lifetime of needs met even though I know that's wrong). Or needs second opinions all the time because they have no confidence in their own decision making. Or has a tendency (which is better than what it was!) to be clingy because being away from my emotional support, the only person who actually knows me, and the only person who treats me the way I should be treated despite knowing me is actually quite terrifying for me. What if he just disappears and I never hear from him again (this has happened before with someone else) or what if he decides he's glad I'm not around? What if he forgets that I exist?

Ugh! I just feel like I've met the ideal long-term partner for me and I just want to be perfect and never a hassle or a frustration. Or someone who has to be worried about. Or someone who isn't 100% self-reliant in all areas. I just want to prove that I will make a great spouse someday but I know that it won't be proven today or tomorrow.

But just how long will someone wait. If you love someone and they're committed to making themselves a better person (as in readily admits to having issues and really wants to change) would you wait around for them or would you just go find someone who's already more or less "perfect" (wrong word technically, but you know what I mean). I mean, it could take years or there may be things I can't change no mattered how much I'd like to. I can't say.

I'm just afraid that he deserves someone better and I can't become good enough fast enough and I'm really scared.

Hello I am the end -

I found these articles.

You may wish to read through them.

I hope they may help you a bit.

What Really Strengthens Self-Esteem | Psych Central

Self-Esteem Struggles and Strategies That Can Help | Psych Central

How To Raise Your Self-Esteem | Psych Central

Five Strategies to Revitalize Relationships | Psych Central News

5 Relationship Saboteurs & Strategies That Work | World of Psychology

I. Am. The. End. : I'm struggling with low self esteem as well, so I don't really know how to advise. I have a constant battle in my mind about whether my boyfriend deserves someone better than me... I feel for you. You're not alone in feeling like this.

my partner chose me. he deserves exactly what he gets. otherwise he can take a long walk off a short pier.

Trust your partner to decide for himself whether or not you are good enough for him.

This was beautifully put. I move that Bill3 immediately be promoted to Bill4.

Moderators?

Hexagram: Thank you so much for your kind words. You made me laugh out loud!

I agree it was beautifully put: I have copied and pasted the sentence Bill3 wrote (nice joke Hexagram ) into my phone notepad and have been saying it out loud to myself several times!

I can trust him to decide that for himself, but I can't seem to trust him not to throw me away the second I mess up even a little bit. And I can't trust myself to survive being thrown away.

(((((I.Am.The.End)))))

How does he react when you mess up even a little bit?

He tells me it's okay.

But he has expressed a couple times how he isn't sure if he can handle my depression/anxiety. He actually handles almost perfectly and I've told him that several times. But because he says that, I'm afraid each little issue/mistake is going to be the final straw and the point where he decides he can't handle it anymore…even though he's also admitted that I've made improvement overall.