[oceanic815]

Hey there. First time poster here and I could really use some advice and, honestly, I'm looking forward to writing all of this down. Here we go.

So, about a month a half ago, an absolutely gorgeous girl messaged me on OKCupid. We texted a bunch over the next few days and hit it off really well. She has a good sense of humor, responded well to my sarcasm and general playfulness, and just generally seemed like a loving, caring, and empathetic human. Sparks were definitely flying.

We met up a few days later at a bar (where karaoke was happening) with a few of her friends, and a few of mine. It was pretty casual, but we were digging each other. She ended up inviting me back to her place, so we walked and held hands and I spent the night. We didn't have sex, but made out a bunch and fell asleep. We were pretty smitten.

The texts got pretty heavy...but I was really into it. She would say things like "nobody has ever seemed to make me feel this happy before" and "I think I found my human." (in reference to me). She also was afraid I was going to leave or hurt her or something. I of course reassured her that that wouldn't happen. She seemed head over heels... now, I'm a romantic and admittedly jump headfirst into things...but it felt different with this one. I REALLY liked her. About 4 or 5 days in, she asked me "so, I'm your girlfriend, right?"...she was pretty scared about me saying no...but I absolutely said yes. In my mind, she is the total package, so why wouldn't I want to be with her? Despite only knowing this person for a week, things were moving REALLY fast...but we both were into it and said screw it.

Fast forward to about the past month. I started to notice the romantic level of the texting stopped... she seemed to be emotionally withdrawing herself. She has a lot of friends and values alone time (as we all do), so as a result has been quite stressed out. She also told me she was overwhelmed. She assured me, twice, not to worry about us... That she just has to hash some stuff out in her head. I'm usually very confident and am able to just do my own thing without worries, but the attention I received from her at first was so overwhelmingly positive and amazing, that the lack of it is scaring the hell out of me. It feels like I'm still at the level we were at a month ago, but with her, the brakes have been dramatically pumped. (I should mention that she has been in some ****** relationships in the past and her Dad left the family when she was younger).

I've been doing my absolute best to play it cool. I've been preoccupying myself with the gym, playing music, etc... but she is always on my mind. Even when we hang out, it's usually with friends and at times, it feels like she isn't into me at all. Total lack of affection.

To wrap this up, last week, she said she needed a few days to process her feelings so she can fully understand them, then she'd talk to me. Since, we've hung out and things have been okay I suppose. I'm always initiating very minor physical contact, not her. I just crave more affection and want to feel wanted.

Do you all think I should bring up talking, or should I just give her space and let her dictate that conversation? As much as I'm trying to not think about it, it's eating me up... but I don't want to come across as needy or in need of reassurance that everything is okay. Help?

[shortandcute]

Welcome. You've only known her for a few weeks-give it some time.

[divine1966]

Often when something develops that fast there is no real substance. I wonder if she always jumps into it that fast? The fact that she invited you over the very first time you met and was making out all night says something about her poor judgement. It is just dangerous.

Now I personally do not mind if someone takes things slow and wants to think. What I do have a problem with is people who act like they are crazy about me but then cool off few days later yet still want to see me. Then they might be excited again then cold again. Hot and cold is not healthy for me. I stir away from people like that

Good luck

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[oceanic815]

Thank you all for the replies. I often catch myself acting way too needy mentally. I try to shut it down and not show this towards my partner, as it's a big turn off.

This is sort of my dilemma: Do I bring up how I'm not feeling appreciated/admired? Or do I simply try to love myself and exude happiness/indifference?

The latter makes sense to me, because if I start questioning things and prodding, that will make me look weak and needy, right? It's just SO hard not to say something like "hey, am I wasting my time with you? I've been getting the impression that you could really care less about being with me 90% of the time."

...Not that she's hostile towards me, it's just SO much different than it was in the beginning. And she's got emotional issues, I get it... it's just hard not to think I'm the cause of them. I just kind of crave affection in a relationship, and when it's not happening, I freak.

I feel like I'm ranting - I apologize. I just feel a little lost and don't want to say the wrong thing to push her away.

[Bill3]

It is perfectly reasonable in my view to ask what happened such that her approach to the relationship has changed so noticeably. That is not "needy" as I see it.

However, in a way she preempted that by asking for time. So after giving her a reasonable amount of time, you could ask if she has come to any conclusions about where you stand. Again I don't see that as "needy", it is reasonable to want to know where you stand in a relationship and it would be UNreasonable to be expected to wait indefinitely while someone gets their act together.

[avlady]

i agree with bill3

[oceanic815]

Thanks for the reply, Bill. It's been about 6 days since she asked me for a few days to talk about whatever it is that's in her head. We have since hung out in group settings, and have spent the night (no sex though, friend slept on the couch one night...the other, we were exhausted from an event). I'm thinking if she didn't want to see me, she simply wouldn't. Maybe I'll give her a call after she gets off work this evening since I'm not entirely sure when the next time I'll see her is.


I'm still afraid of pressing the issue because I'm ASSUMING she's pulling back because I shared too much too soon (was just following her lead) and she doesn't view me as a challenge anymore...aka I'm too available. My thought is if I pull back, stop initiating and keep busy, she'll start to come around. I just hate these games. They didn't exist at first. We have a ton in common and both were supremely enjoying each other's company. I can only play it cool for so long I'm afraid, I need to know where she stands.


Has anyone else been in this situation before?

[arundelle]

I'd say ask her. If it was me, after so long, I'd think you were uninterested in knowing me. Not in a game way, but in a, neither of us are confident in making the first move, way. I'd tell her, you're there to listen to whatever might be going on. That's her opening, if she wants to talk she'll take it.