[Webgoji]

Let me start with a definition:

Patience - A mental state that can accept fully and happily whatever occurs having giving up the idea that things should be other than what they are.

What this doesn't mean however is that we shouldn't change our circumstances if we can. It's just that we don't let it affect our internal peace. As someone once said:

“If you can solve your problem, then what is the need of worrying? If you cannot solve it, then what is the use of worrying?”

Alright. So Mrs. Webgoji is going through a really rough time. Her libido has been all but non-existent for about 7 months. She has a really stressful job and is fighting some nasty depression. Because of this, I'm going about my thing taking care of the cooking, shopping, general housework and stuff like that. I'm trying not to pressure her about intimacy or my needs in general. But I just realized something today.

Like I often do, I sent her a little romantic text and she didn't get back to me. She normally doesn't and I've gotten pretty patient about it. As I should. She's under a lot of pressure and having a rough time.

But the thing isn't about her. It's about the fact that I'm not really being patient. I'm just droning on about my day. I've divorced myself of my own needs for closeness, physical affection and feeling like a part of a couple instead of being a roommate. That's the problem.

I need to be patient with her current situation, but I also need to address my own needs and situation so I don't live my life as a zombie. I need to figure out how to get my needs for closeness and affection filled so I can support her with her depression and bad work situation. How to do that? Wellllll ... I'm not sure yet.

But what I'm saying is that for anyone in a tough situation in your relationships, you need to take a good look at your mental state. Are you just droning through things and letting your needs and wants fall to the side leaving you empty and miserable? Or are you practicing patience? Are you accepting that things are what they are and then happily working to correct them or wallowing in what they "should" be?

To be honest, I don't know what the next step is for me, but at least I've finally recognized a problem I didn't know was festering just under the surface and now I can start to address it.

[unaluna]

I thought patience meant waiting until things got better, because sometimes you just have to wait things out. Like when my eyes went cross, or my current bout of dizziness which i think is from the flu. But there are things i can do to not make my situation worse, even if i can't do a lot to make it better. Like i dont need to eat a box of cookies - i should eat more healthfully for my weight and blood sugar. I dont need to add more stress to my life - i should make an effort to productively enjoy what awake and undizzy time i have every day.

But i only had to wait 3 months for my eyes to uncross. I was aware of being patient. I was also slowly but surely improving, so that was encouraging. Maybe this is how couples stay together for the long run. What is one or two years in the course of twenty or more? Take this gift of more free time to do something for yourself? You are not joined at the hip.

[Trippin2.0]

I hear you, at first I too thought I was exercising patience, but I was emotionally extricating myself so as to hide from my dissatisfaction.


Honestly, idk how I made the leap from faux patience to actual patience, but I do see the difference in my relationship. Whether or not its a direct result, I also don't know, because I didn't fess up to bf.


Where am I at now?

Well both of us are hoping this situation will be resolved in the next month or two and that we can then have some semblance of normalcy.


I know I haven't added any solutions or options, and that's usually my motivation for posting, but I just wanted you to know your thread resonates with me, and that on some level, I understand what you're going through even if our circumstances differ.

[Keyslost]

I do have one thing that may help, does she know how you feel? Even just talking about it even if nothing changes can help.

[s4ndm4n2006]

more than the behaviors, patience is a state of being, a state of mind and one of contentment. it's an attitude where you're not just "coping" with the fact that what you are waiting for hasn't come, but that you fully accept that it is not now and may or may not be for some time. What you do, in your daily activities will follow suit when you first actually begin to learn patience.

If you're anxious and anticipating change still and just distracting yourself by coping mechanisms, dissociation and detachment, you are 100% right, it's not patience, it's distraction from impatience. You're still in the state of mind where you wish something would happen now but ignoring and distracting yourself from the idea so it doesn't bother you.

So it's not exactly in the acts that will move you to patience, but in the mind alone and in your heart. If you love your spouse, you will work on accepting them as they are, and where they are at the time and when you do, all else will fall into place. That does not mean that everything they do is ok or fun, but there is a level of acceptance of them being, just like you, fallible and full of flaws...

[JadeAmethyst]

I hope Ms. Webgoji can appreciate some peace and ease sooner than later.

In the meantime maybe Mr. W could use a nice spa massage for healthy touch...?

[Webgoji]

Originally Posted by Keyslost

I do have one thing that may help, does she know how you feel? Even just talking about it even if nothing changes can help.

We've talked about it quite a bit actually. Unfortunately, the situation "is what it is". The psychiatrist has increased the dosage on her Pristiq and added Welbutrin. She's gone to her OBGYN and done blood work-ups to be sure she hasn't started perimenopause. Everything is fine physically, it's just her mental state and I think the key is for me to be there wholly while she's working through it and not just grinding my teeth. We've just got a long way to go is all.

[Webgoji]

Originally Posted by s4ndm4n2006

more than the behaviors, patience is a state of being, a state of mind and one of contentment. it's an attitude where you're not just "coping" with the fact that what you are waiting for hasn't come, but that you fully accept that it is not now and may or may not be for some time. What you do, in your daily activities will follow suit when you first actually begin to learn patience.

If you're anxious and anticipating change still and just distracting yourself by coping mechanisms, dissociation and detachment, you are 100% right, it's not patience, it's distraction from impatience. You're still in the state of mind where you wish something would happen now but ignoring and distracting yourself from the idea so it doesn't bother you.

So it's not exactly in the acts that will move you to patience, but in the mind alone and in your heart. If you love your spouse, you will work on accepting them as they are, and where they are at the time and when you do, all else will fall into place. That does not mean that everything they do is ok or fun, but there is a level of acceptance of them being, just like you, fallible and full of flaws...

Wow, I mean that is amazingly eloquently worded and I agree wholeheartedly.

[Webgoji]

Originally Posted by JadeAmethyst

I hope Ms. Webgoji can appreciate some peace and ease sooner than later.

In the meantime maybe Mr. W could use a nice spa massage for healthy touch...?

And that's the question as it applies to me. What I can do on my end to keep my mental state correct. I dunno, maybe a trip to the spa might not be a bad idea. Maybe I should look up a gaming group in town. The idea of doing something for me on my own is really alien and not something I've thought about for 15 years.

[JadeAmethyst]