[FreeFall]

My husband suddenly stopped having sex with me 3-1/2 years ago. It wasn't long before I was asking if he was having an affair. He didn't deny it. He also started insinuating he was not attracted to me any more.

I am 57 and he is 71. On several occasions I found him masturbating. This convinced me he really was no longer attracted to me - I am about 20 pounds overweight & have never had much self confidence.

When I'd had enough & asked for a divorce, he told me he has ED.

I am angry & resentful that for 3 years he let me think he was cheating & that I was so unattractive he no longer desired sex with me. Recently he has started being suggestive & no matter what I'm doing, he gropes me. He made me feel so ugly for so long that I can't even undress in front of him now. I lock the bathroom door when I shower.

I've told him I don't trust him enough to have sex with him now, and I cringe inwardly every time he gropes me. He's never apologized or explained why he let me take all the blame, and now is angry with me for not forgiving & forgetting. I want us to see a counselor but he absolutely refuses.

How do I get past this? I feel as if I can never get beyond this. Has anyone else ever been in this situation and found a resolution? Thanks for any insight.

[Keyslost]

Assuming he was truthful about the ED it can be extremely embarrassing for a guy. Even to the point of lying as saying cheating of all things instead. He prob feels ugly inside as well and unfortunately this sort of thing can cause problems in relationships like you described. Counseling/talking about it is best. You may be able to convince him to talk if you bring up that fact that there are ED meds available IF he gets help.

[Bill3]

Has he had a physical examination recently?

[FreeFall]

Yes. His prostate number was in the normal range. His BP was high, but the BP meds brought him down to normal range pretty quickly. His cholesterol was great, which I would think might be a bit unusual for a man his age who has avoided doctors most of his life.

The fact that he's showing interest after so long seems odd to me. And now I guess I'm the problem because for years he let me believe he was cheating or that he suddenly found me repulsive. I now feel almost angry when he acts as if nothing was ever wrong. I truly believe we need counseling to "fix" this, but he flat refuses. It's very upsetting to me. He acts as if I just need to stop being silly.

[Bill3]

He no longer has ED?

You could go to a counselor by yourself, to talk about your anger and resentment and to consider how to deal with his new behaviors.

[CosmicRose]

The point of this was that it was never about you, and you're now reacting to it as if it was about you and thus angry because of it. He's 71, you need to realize that the age difference in old age means you two are at different stages in life. He will begin to experience more difficulty with his body in more ways than one. You need to be there for him for that journey. It sounds like a lack of communication is going on between you two. If you reject him, then you two are headed for a divorce. If you open up to him and take it slow then you can save the relationship.

[FreeFall]

Originally Posted by CosmicRose

The point of this was that it was never about you, and you're now reacting to it as if it was about you and thus angry because of it. He's 71, you need to realize that the age difference in old age means you two are at different stages in life. He will begin to experience more difficulty with his body in more ways than one. You need to be there for him for that journey. It sounds like a lack of communication is going on between you two. If you reject him, then you two are headed for a divorce. If you open up to him and take it slow then you can save the relationship.

You're probably right. I can relate to the rejection part because I felt rejected for 3 years. I know where that can take you - not a good place at all.

He says he doesn't have a clue as to why he had ED & now he doesn't. He says the awkwardness I feel now is my own overthinking things.

I guess part of my issue now is what if his ED returns if I agree to try to rekindle what we've lost? No pressure, right? I need to tell that voice in my head to be quiet for awhile, I guess.

[s4ndm4n2006]

Originally Posted by FreeFall

I guess part of my issue now is what if his ED returns if I agree to try to rekindle what we've lost? No pressure, right? I need to tell that voice in my head to be quiet for awhile, I guess.

Communicate. Talk to him about it, figure out how to handle things between the two of you, from both sides if that occurs. What I mean is, ideally if it did start happening, he would need your support and you would need his in different ways. YOu would need a lot more reassurances that it wasn't you, and he might need support in how the ED itself makes him feel inadequate or whatever other feelings it brings about. head it off before you reach the obstacle and be in agreement on how you both will support and love each other if such a thing happens again.

[hannabee]

The first time my H experienced ED he tried to insinuate it was my fault, that I hadn't done something right (if you get my drift) I stopped him immediately and said that I thought that was funny cause I had been doing it RIGHT FOR 28 YEARS!!

The second time he agreed that something might be wrong and we went to the Dr. He took Viagra but it made him ill, so what fun was that??? I thought he needed to go back to the Dr. and get some testosterone shots or something. Nope he wasn't doing that so pretty much our sex life ended. It's been about 8 years or so. H is also 71 now and I'm early 60's.

We have had a superb sex life for a long time, so it is ok with me. I would never leave him over that. And I doubt, if he dies before me, that I will even consider taking my clothes off in front of someone else LOL and I'm weight and height proportionate, just NOT what I used to look like

Big hug and good luck.