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#1
May 16, 2015, 05:22 PM
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I've had anxiety and depression most of my life, but I've been going through a rough bout of it for the past 2 months. For the most part, my friends have been supportive and patient but lately I feel like they are getting frustrated with me. There are certain places and things I'm not comfortable doing right now and I've had to say no to a few things that they've asked of me. I try and make as much effort as possible to stay in touch and even meet for a quick lunch, etc. as that's really all I'm comfortable with right now. Recently, one of my friends sort've chewed me out for "pushing her away" and said if she doesn't see any growth or change in me, she won't be checking in as much. My closest friend seems to be a little upset with me because she asked me to do something that requires a 4 week commitment, and I told her honestly that it wasn't a good idea for me right now. I've always hated when people were mad/disappointed in me and I find myself fearing that I will lose everyone over this. All I want is support and someone to understand, but sometimes it seems like I'm inconveniencing everyone... I'm taking steps that I need to get better and that includes learning how to say no sometimes. Does anyone have any advice on how I can stop blaming myself for how they are reacting to my anxiety/depression? What can I do to show them that I'm trying as hard as I can to get better?
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 seeker1950
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 seeker1950
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#2
May 16, 2015, 05:29 PM
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Can you let them see the progress you have made? Then they'll understand that you will come out of it.
Also, reframe it. You're doing what you need to do, saying no, and that's what your friend is doing to, trying to avoid your rejection. It could be that she's starting to take it personally, and avoiding the rejection by checking in less often is her way of not being hurt so she can continue your friendship. It sucks, but it might help you to see it as her taking care of herself. And when you're feeling better, you can contact her. She's not saying she doesn't want you in her life, she's saying right now it's hard for her to keep getting turned down is all. |
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#3
May 16, 2015, 05:32 PM
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Yea I understand that. I just explained to her that it's not about her and it's not personal. Ironic thing is, she's been through this same thing before and I hoped she would have more empathy with my situation, but it seems like she wants me to hurry up and get better. I did make an effort to see her not too long ago. How can I show them the progress I've made? I feel the only way to do that is to keep contacting them first and making concrete plans to hang out. What are some other ways?
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#4
May 16, 2015, 08:47 PM
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In my experience, unless people can REALLY see the change and see it NOW, they grow impatient. That is, these changes tend to happen gradually. We don't wake up one day and feel fine. Its difficult to show these changes when someone only sees us every so often. Even when you tell them its not about them, it doesn't seem to make much of a difference. I think that people can be quite selfish in this way. I mean if you were suffering from a physical injury, you'd get as much time as you needed to heal. But when its mental, the "snap out of it" attitude seems to prevail.
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#5
May 17, 2015, 05:08 AM
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Anxiety and depression will bring some nasty characteristics with it where the person is "forced" to portray these characteristics out of the extreme fear and extreme emotional states. One thing is the interruption of social role functioning. So it's better to inform your loved ones about it without hiding anything from them. If you try to hide your problem, they will definitely take it wrong cause a person ho doesn't experience such emotional states won't be able to understand it by their own.
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| seeker1950
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#6
May 17, 2015, 05:11 AM
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A person who haven't gone through such a problem won't understand what you are going through and will take it all wrong. Try informing them about your anxiety problem, it can help to some extent.
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#7
May 17, 2015, 02:34 PM
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Thank you for the responses. I know my true friends will stick around no matter what. I just wish they would understand why I can't make certain commitments right now and that it has nothing to do with them. I don't have the energy right now to worry about if my own friends are mad at me, etc. Got to focus on the positive and goals for the future.
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#8
May 18, 2015, 10:36 AM
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Yes, do that. And if you have only one real friend you should be happy
 ... I would rather have one real than 50 false.
__________________
----------------- "Of all forms of caution, caution in love is perhaps the most fatal to true happiness." |
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#9
May 18, 2015, 05:22 PM
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Pugs,
I think it is courageous of you to learn to say no. I have to remind myself from time to time that no is a complete sentence, needing no explanation. I find your post very insightful because I love someone with depression and they are doing the same. I am trying to understand their perspective and you explained it well. Thank you! It can be difficult for your friend to understand the pain and struggle to heal. You may want to try to express it to them the best they can but you should not feel bad for saying no and taking care of yourself. Maybe explain you would love to meet with them but are not comfortable in a certain setting and offer an alternative you are able to manage. I have a dear friend that is in a similar situation and from time to time she just tells me she cannot buts want the company and I advocate the best I can to ensure the plans are changed and if not, I will bow out too and have a quiet evening with her. Be patient with yourself and focus on those that understand. Good luck with your healing! 
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#10
May 18, 2015, 06:00 PM
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I have depression (take meds for it) and social anxiety. I have three close female friends, and, I should add, it took me many years to build these friendships. I say NO a lot to invitations for outings. Sometimes I don't even answer the phone when they call. But, they are true friends and give me my space. A real friend should understand and give you the space you require without getting impatient with you. You have every right to say no when you don't feel like joining in.
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#11
May 18, 2015, 06:56 PM
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Quote:
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#12
May 18, 2015, 06:58 PM
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Thanks, seeker1950! You're right, true friends will give you the space you need without getting impatient. Sometimes I feel pressured to make plans with one of my friends or else she'll get sick of me. Sometimes for me just texting or talking on the phone helps me out even if I can't see someone physically. She tries to understand, but sometimes she gets on my case...
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| seeker1950
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| seeker1950
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#13
May 18, 2015, 07:13 PM
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This is a tricky one. I would suggest asking open-ended questions. Be curious with your friends. This will help put it back on them, to examine WHY they are saying what they do. It will work better than outright telling them they are wrong, because they will tune out direct arguments. Try asking, "Why do you say _____________?" using their exact words.
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