[spaceid]

I have been with my boyfriend for 4 years now. Yesterday, he brought up the fact that we need to find more things to do together to strengthen our relationship. I agreed that I don't like just hanging out on the couch all day either, but he is very interested in us exercising together, specifically running. He loves to run and it makes him feel great. I have tried to become someone who runs a couple of times a week on and off for 5 years now. I never stick to it, although, because I absolutely hate it. I don't feel good during or after it and I don't find it fun at all. We tried last year to run together and on our first outing we got into an argument. I had worn the wrong sneakers and they made my knee hurt. I was surprised that my knee was hurting so bad and I just said out loud, "Why does my knee hurt so much?" and he snapped at me that he didn't know. I wasn't specifically asking him, I was just wondering. We didn't talk much the rest of the day. Now he is pushing me to go again and I said I would try, but I am not looking forward to it. I have told him that I don't like running or exercising with people, but he doesn't seem to listen. Or he thinks I'm just making up excuses.

I just don't know what to do. I want us to find activities that we like to do together, but I can't find anything that doesn't involve spending money that we don't have. I like going to the mall, but he hates the mall. I like board games, but he doesn't have any interest. We both like going out to dinner, but he says that is not enough. He specifically wants us to exercise. I took him to play tennis, but he didn't really enjoy it. We both want to do yoga, but the studios are too expensive and he won't take yoga classes at our alma mater because there are too many people. He seems to want this ideal of this perfect couple running through the park, but I am not that person. I have never been that person. I will try, but I just feel like I'm just giving in to make him happy.

[hannabee]

So why not get a bike and you ride while he runs?

[spaceid]

Originally Posted by hannabee

So why not get a bike and you ride while he runs?

I would love to get a bike. Hopefully, I can work something around in my budget to get one. I know he likes to ride bikes too, so thank you for the suggestion.

[Rose3]

Or go for walks together (don't have to run together).

[spaceid]

Originally Posted by Rose3

Or go for walks together (don't have to run together).

We already go for walks together, but he is very focused on running. He doesn't see walking as exercise because it doesn't make you sweat like a work out.

[hannabee]

Originally Posted by spaceid

I would love to get a bike. Hopefully, I can work something around in my budget to get one. I know he likes to ride bikes too, so thank you for the suggestion.

Or, how about rollerblading or skating while he is running next to you? Just BE CAREFUL!

[ProudlyPersevering]

Each of you put three ideas into a bowl and draw out a new idea to try. Keeps things fresh and there is no, he said to she said to.
Or you can take turns, he tries something you like for a month and you do the same in return. It lets you understand what the other likes and why.

The yoga sounds good if you can find classes that you can afford.

I think it would be good to find an activity that's new for both of you. Unless the person who isn't expert at it is extremely interested in the activity, trying to join in an activity with your partner that they are really good at and in shape for is usually painful for both of you.

I recently bought a bicycle from a used bike shop. They even have a lay-a-way plan. It was very affordable.

Do you feel like there's more going on here than your boyfriend just wanting to share an activity? I'm just asking because of what you said about him snapping at you about your knee hurting when you were running.

[brainhi]

You need to be "who you are". If it is so awful for him that you do not care to enjoy running with him - that's just to bad. It is worse to "pretend" you like something for someone else. I get the money issue - you will figure it out.. but do not let him bully you about the running thing.

[spaceid]

Originally Posted by jo_thorne

Do you feel like there's more going on here than your boyfriend just wanting to share an activity? I'm just asking because of what you said about him snapping at you about your knee hurting when you were running.

I just think he wants me to be able to just run and enjoy it like him, so when he sees I don't he gets angry. He said he had tried to run with other people and when they can't keep up he gets annoyed. I tell him repeatedly that I am not as good as him so he needs to keep that in mind. He says since he hasn't run in a long time that he won't be that good either. I don't think he understands that running is not meant for everyone.

[spaceid]

Originally Posted by brainhi

You need to be "who you are". If it is so awful for him that you do not care to enjoy running with him - that's just to bad. It is worse to "pretend" you like something for someone else. I get the money issue - you will figure it out.. but do not let him bully you about the running thing.

I am worried already because I feel like I am starting to resent him. Every time he talks about running I just want to roll my eyes. I am going to try to run with him today and see how it goes. If it doesn't go well we will just have to figure something else out.

[brainhi]

If you would like to ... you can let him know.. even though "running" is not your thing, you admire his dedication to it... and I'm sure the results to his body must be nice too - let him know.
You can be honest and let him know that you are starting to resent being pushed to do something you are not interested in...but you would like to find things to do together even with financial limitations. Good luck!

So it's mostly about running. I used to be a semi-obsessive runner when I was in my 20s, so I recognize this. It's not that easy to find people to run with who keep the same pace as you do. To do that, you usually have to seek out people for their level of running skill and then get to know them.

If he doesn't have the patience to adjust his pace for you or for other people, then there's not much point in running with them. It's just going to be frustrating for him and for the person he's running with.

You're right. Running is not meant for everyone. We all have aptitudes for different sports and like different sports.

I'm sure I'm not saying anything here that you don't already know.

His inability to be patient with someone running with him is a little worrying. I'm wondering if that impatience shows up in other areas of his life.

Maybe you should just tell him that you don't like running and refuse to go. I think he's being a pain in the *****.

Jo, feeling a tad grouchy this morning.

[Perna]

Maybe he would like to train for a marathon in your area and you could be the "trainer". You could ride your bike and encourage him, time him, know the course, carry the water, etc. Then, for the actual event you could volunteer. Lots of hospitals and community organizations sponsor 5K's, you could get involved in running, be supportive, of his hobby without actually having to run? I don't think running is really a "together" thing maybe take up camping and hiking?

[s4ndm4n2006]

Originally Posted by spaceid

I have been with my boyfriend for 4 years now. Yesterday, he brought up the fact that we need to find more things to do together to strengthen our relationship. I agreed that I don't like just hanging out on the couch all day either, but he is very interested in us exercising together, specifically running. He loves to run and it makes him feel great. I have tried to become someone who runs a couple of times a week on and off for 5 years now. I never stick to it, although, because I absolutely hate it. I don't feel good during or after it and I don't find it fun at all. We tried last year to run together and on our first outing we got into an argument. I had worn the wrong sneakers and they made my knee hurt. I was surprised that my knee was hurting so bad and I just said out loud, "Why does my knee hurt so much?" and he snapped at me that he didn't know. I wasn't specifically asking him, I was just wondering. We didn't talk much the rest of the day. Now he is pushing me to go again and I said I would try, but I am not looking forward to it. I have told him that I don't like running or exercising with people, but he doesn't seem to listen. Or he thinks I'm just making up excuses.

I just don't know what to do. I want us to find activities that we like to do together, but I can't find anything that doesn't involve spending money that we don't have. I like going to the mall, but he hates the mall. I like board games, but he doesn't have any interest. We both like going out to dinner, but he says that is not enough. He specifically wants us to exercise. I took him to play tennis, but he didn't really enjoy it. We both want to do yoga, but the studios are too expensive and he won't take yoga classes at our alma mater because there are too many people. He seems to want this ideal of this perfect couple running through the park, but I am not that person. I have never been that person. I will try, but I just feel like I'm just giving in to make him happy.

Finding things to do together should never be in spite of one's interests. That's like making him go to book clubs if he wasn't a reader and only you were. He is being entirely selfish in forcing you to be a part of what is HIS interest alone. On the running front, you should stand up for yourself and stand firm in the idea that you don't like it and should not be forced to do something you do not enjoy. Not only that because of the fact that you do not enjoy it, you are not building good memories together, just potential resentment and more bad memories every time he becomes rude when you happen to be in pain or can't handle it.

On the interest front, somehow calmly suggest that you find things that you actually have in common and agree to have your separate interests and keep them individual. As a couple you are not to be enmeshed and have to do everything together but be individuals with enough things in common to share in to keep the relationship on an enjoyable level.

[Trippin2.0]

Running is more of a solo activity.


It's not like you can hold hands and have a convo while experiencing the joys of running together... Makes no sense to do it as a couples activity if it isnt already an activity you both enjoy.


Even then, both will experience it individually as you run alongside each other in silence, reflecting on your thoughts, separately... and then what? Discuss your now clear mind, epiphanies or the wonderful sweat you broke out????


Can you tell I'm no runner either?


Sorry, just doesn't compute in the context you describe the need for new activities.


Unless of course you do as Perna suggests and play coach. That's more interactive and makes more sense.


How bout photography?

You can do that with phones, no need to purchase extra fancy equipment. You can pick out locations and pack a picnic for lunch... Then you can create a scrapbook together.


Just an idea, not sure if it was suggested already.

[spaceid]

Thank you to everyone that has replied. We actually went out yesterday and it was much better than when we tried it a year ago. He was very understanding with me and encouraging and that in turn made me not absolutely hate it from the start. I am still interested in doing other things as well with him, but I think his attitude about the whole situation was better yesterday and that made it not too bad. He also didn't push me and was very appreciative afterward that I ran with him. As long as he doesn't push me to do this every day I think it will be ok. I actually feel more comfortable suggesting other activities to him as well now.

That coaching thing would be a good idea too. He has always wanted to do marathons and if I can get a bike it would be fun to coach him.

Thank you again for all of your suggestions and reading my post.

[s4ndm4n2006]

Originally Posted by spaceid

We already go for walks together, but he is very focused on running. He doesn't see walking as exercise because it doesn't make you sweat like a work out.

He seems to be way too rigid and narrow minded about this. I don't know about other areas but in all honesty he sounds very much like someone that is trying to make you into something you are not. It's never a good thing to force your interests on an unwilling partner, be it a friend, wife, gf etc. I don't understand this thinking at all.

So what if it doesn't make you sweat? He's focused on himself and sounds very selfish, if it doesn't please him and his needs to be an exercisoholic then it's not good enough for him. I thought this was about you SHARING something together not all about him and his needs and you tagging along and going "yes dear, it's fun."