Watch a movie that was triggering.

Watching silver linings playbook

it made me remember my connections I had with my ex the intimacy I tried to feel and wanted to and was fooled into believing she felt the same. We were going to see this movie. We personified ourselves as the actors who the characters they portrayed as. I got swooped in, because she knew that would make me want her more, it's sad, because I believed her. I loved her and I wanted to have a happy family. I was so naive as a kid. I believe in love, but practical love.

It felt so empty realizing how much unloved I had been being shunned as a monster in my immediate family and friends, because I was a rape victim.

When you wanted and needed people to love and support you, but instead did the opposite and victim blamed you and put you in the victim whole that I had to climb out of and go above and beyond how far more delusional and broken they are than I am. That for all my life, I needed someone to accept me not throw me away.

I did music as a hobby to keep my emotions in check. I missed feeling like someone was here, I haven't felt like that in so long. I really forgotten how to understand if someone likes me or not. The social cues are easy to spot, but the feelings of what context they want to go with it is impossible for me. I'm like completely blind if someone likes me, I'm even more blind after it hits off as friends or maybe lovers. I feel more confused and hurt, because they'll be like my family and throw me away because I'm not normal enough in their eyes. So feeling that I must be perfect in some way to feel loved.

That movie really for the first time watching it shown me what I feel and looked like on the outside in. from some of the scenes. So it was triggering fascinating and enlightening.

Maybe those feelings would be good to discuss with a therapist. Movies bring up stuff that is buried.

The girl I liked gave me a wake up call on my behavior related to this. I'm too suffocating it's like I don't want them near me. She's right. I am so hurt, I trust her but I'm going to fight every urge to see how she proves it. She said she'll have to show me her way. I trust it. I hope she's right.

I'm like the girl tiffany, my ex had that name we were going to watch it together years ago. I wanted to for that reason. I'm glad I watched it. Also I'm like the girl, because I'm always the person who gets screwed over by many friends and people who used to be in my life. I always helped someone but got nothing out of it when I suffered I received no love or help. Like I know lots of people have problems, but they have support systems that are way stronger than mine and they have people who take them seriously. I don't, I am blessed she is doing this, but I don't know to be sure. This is hard. I maybe getting nothing from this too.