[Lobster Hands]

Ok, first off, I'm newly engaged after meeting the love of my life

Just to fill you guys in a little bit, we've been together for about three months. Everything has been GREAT up until now and nothing has been too out of the ordinary....until now.

Incident one...
We're at a volunteer food place dropping off some cans for the poor. (no, that's not a normal thing we do...it was part of a work thing for her) She spots a glass jar of baby food, picks it up, and screams, "I can't live with this!" and throws it at the wall. Idk, there's obviously something going on deeper down, but I have never noticed things as dramatic as this.

I took a picture of where she threw it....here


I really don't get it though I ask her about it and she says it was just a joke on the people working there. I don't believe her, she was distraught on the way home.

Oh, sorry, I forgot to add...that occurred about a week ago a day after I proposed.

Incident two...(actually multiple times this week)
Again, this is completely out of the ordinary behavior for her. She has been getting extremely angry and yelling about "people fixing store bought food with the wrong ingredients". The anger is clearly there but, again, when I ask her about it she plays it off like it's just a joke. (it clearly isn't)

Continuing on...these rage moments are really beginning to frighten us. (us = me and cat) I don't have a clue what to do I say my cat is upset too because I managed to catch him frozen in terror one day when she was yelling about the dry cat food I was using to feed my cat.

I got a picture of him too ....yeah, I take a lot of pictures.....


I don't know where this ends how can I continue on without actually knowing what's going on in her head? These are things that really have popped up out of nowhere.

Idk, just kinda need some advice guys really lost and confused here. I think about it everyday when I'm driving home from work..."what's going to happen tonight?"

[ManOfConstantSorrow]

I have to say these don't seem rational or acceptable ways of behaving - you should jointly seek help if at all possible. The change of your relationship to the engaged state has perhaps triggered anxieties in her? Don't let it pass. Perhaps you have something like this in your region: Relationship counselling and support for couples and individuals | Relate

The shot of the cat was sensational. The rages and hucking glass jars of baby food are violent red flags that you owe to yourself and your cat to confront. WTF?

[bubbles00]

First and foremost, congratulations on your engagement Lobs!

------

Anywho, I'm so sorry to hear about your situation, Lobster It sure does sounds like a sticky situation but I have good news for you - things can and will get better!

Hmm maybe try asking the people that work there if they know about her behaviour. Maybe it actually is a prank? It could possibly be that maybe there's something going on between your fiancé and the people that work there. Does she personally know them? How long has she been working there? (If she's been working there at all). Maybe she's enemies with somebody that works there and wants to annoy them...?

As with the baby food: have you considered that she may be allergic to baby food? It could happen; it's definitely a possiblity. ("I can't live with this!" may mean that she literally can't live with it because she's extremely allergic to it). Ask her about her allergies, maybe baby food is one of them.

As for the cat food: is something making her paranoid? Sit her down and talk to her about it. It can be a very serious issue, you never know. OR maybe she was saying that to annoy your kitty! Is she a person that jokes around a lot? Does she have something against your kitty? What if she got into a fight with your kitty while you were at work so you missed out on part of the story. I think you should talk to kitty and your fiancé (I would preferably go to kitty first if your fiancé is losing her temper that quickly).

It can be so many things; hopefully it's nothing too serious

And your kitty looks so terrified Maybe your kitty is traumatized by it. I think you should be there for your kitty at this time. Your kitty really needs you at this moment I suggest kitty counselling. You can call the cat whisperers and they can console your kitty while you're at work. heres the link Cat Whisperer® Consulting by Cat Behaviorist Mieshelle Nagelschneider.

I also think that maybe some form of bullying is involved between your fiancé and your kitty. Bullying is not ok and it needs to stop. Talk to them about it. Don't know how to talk cat? Learn! Here's the link:

If worse comes to worse then please call the police. You don't want the bullying to get physical

Also on a side note, please don't be worried and drive. It can cause you anxiety and cause you to swerve which is never a good thing. If needed please pull over to the side of the road and rest and clear your mind. You need to be safe when you drive; this includes the fact that you can't text and drive either!

Anyways I hope this help! Hope things get better between you guys

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Btw, awesome pictures! You should be a photographer!

[Avatar10]

Hi Lobs,

I am so sorry that you are discovering this not so cool side of your girlfriend, hugs
Like I said to you privately, I think we don't get to really know someone until a few months have passed. I think three months is very soon to make such a big decision, namely: engagement. Have you thought that she may be an emotionally unstable person? Last night I watched a Lifetime movie (I know, cheesy, but it is a good example, :P). In the movie there was this wonderful girl who met a guy online from a different state and she behaved like the "perfect girl next door". However, once the guy proposed to her, she knew she had him and started showing hostility and violence. The guy was so in love, that he didn't pay attention to those actions as red flags. They got married, and 6 months into the marriage the girl had stolen his identity, drained his bank account and was gone for good

Be careful Lobs, there are many sharks in the sea.
Hopefully this is not case, and I apologize if my words are too harsh, I'm just trying to tell you to open your eyes and be careful.

Best of luck!

[scorpiosis37]

You have only known this woman for three months! That really is not enough time to get to know someone. Usually, the first 6 months is the "honeymoon phase" where you feel like you're in love, elated, the oxytocin is raging, etc. it is not until that phase kind of wears off that we begin to learn who the other person really is. In the beginning, people tend to be on their best behavior and, because we are just getting to know them, who we think they are has more to do with our own projections and perceptions than with who they actually are. In other words, we see them the way we want to see them! It sounds like you are beginning to see this with your fiancé. The anger and paranoia have probably always been a part of her personality; she has just hid them from you or you have not noticed then because you were feeling all the happy love-y feelings and imagining her to be perfect. Please don't rush into marriage; talk to her and take the time to really get to know her. If I had married any of the women I dated at the 3 month mark-- geez! What a mistake! It takes at least a year or two to even scratch the surface of another human being!

[Lobster Hands]

Originally Posted by scorpiosis37

You have only known this woman for three months! That really is not enough time to get to know someone. Usually, the first 6 months is the "honeymoon phase" where you feel like you're in love, elated, the oxytocin is raging, etc. it is not until that phase kind of wears off that we begin to learn who the other person really is. In the beginning, people tend to be on their best behavior and, because we are just getting to know them, who we think they are has more to do with our own projections and perceptions than with who they actually are. In other words, we see them the way we want to see them! It sounds like you are beginning to see this with your fiancé. The anger and paranoia have probably always been a part of her personality; she has just hid them from you or you have not noticed then because you were feeling all the happy love-y feelings and imagining her to be perfect. Please don't rush into marriage; talk to her and take the time to really get to know her. If I had married any of the women I dated at the 3 month mark-- geez! What a mistake! It takes at least a year or two to even scratch the surface of another human being!

I really think I would have noticed something like that in the first three months because we've already been living together for two of them. I mean, I wouldn't miss out on something like that. And as stupid as it sounds, I don't think the cat would either.

Idk, I know you're right, but I still don't know what she would be paranoid about...baby food and cat food?

[Rose76]

Three months after you meet someone is too soon to get engaged. Moving in with you one month after meeting you is a red flag to me. Where was she living before?

Whatever is going on in her head, it isn't healthy. You would do well to coax this gal out of your apartment and back to wherever she was living before.

[eskielover]

It's NOT the baby food & it's NOT the cat food. Don't rationalize a problem away.....you need to deal with it before EVER making the relationship permanent into a marriage.

I met my H in college at the beginning of the year in September. We seemed to get along well but honestly, I didn't REALLY KNOW him (no we weren't living together but that's not the point.....)the thing is that in 3 months you haven't come across whatever led up to that behavior.....just like in the 8 months I hadn't come across the situation that caused the behavior in my fiance (at that time).

His issues were attitude issues & feeling superiority feelings because of his IQ & feeling that he should be owed things that he hadn't truly earned. I saw the red flags & actually told my mother I wanted to call off the wedding......but she rationalized my out of stopping the wedding & I rationalized away his behavior (telling myself that yes, he would mature with time & with required responsibility).

Stupidly I went through with the wedding......& stupidly, I stuck around for 33 years.....all but the last 13, I was escaping away into my engineering career.....but the last 13, I ended up financially TRAPPED in that bad marriage.....& it was the red flag problems that continually haunted the marriage all those years. I finally left 8 years ago. Moved 2100 miles away....the BEST THING I ever did & regretted the day that I didn't listen to those red flags.

If you don't deal with this problem & you continue on thinking it will just go away......you could end up as sorry as I was for having gone through with a marriage that I knew had serious problems in it.

We did marriage counseling after my pdoc refused to allow me to go home to my H after one of my psych hospitalizations....but no one ever tied my situational mental illness to the bad marriage, only to the loss of my career....but it was my career that allowed me to tolerate the marriage because I was NEVER home.

[Bill3]

A psychiatric evaluation is in order. Do not marry her without one.

Originally Posted by Avatar10

They got married, and 6 months into the marriage the girl had stolen his identity, drained his bank account and was gone for good.

[Smoking Jays]

Hi Lobs!
Firstly, that's so awesome! Congratulations! But sorry it's already so difficult. ): However, rather than looking at it as exclusively on her, something I've recognized through the common trials and tribulations we face in life, we have to recognize not everything is out of our control, or someone elses's fault. In essence, we have to reform our external locus of control mindset, and claim the consequences that come as such! Firstly, the baby food incident. I'll use a listing format, to avoid any emotional-type tone, as well as to conserve spacing.
1. You didn't ask her if you could come.
2. You accompanying her without asking could come with her could project an unneeded sense of control, particularly in her work setting that the food service was required for.
3. She wasn't ready to marry so soon (within 3 months), and the baby food represented her fears that you'd soon be pushing reproduction on her.
4. It really was a joke, after all.
As for the cat food incident;
1. Her being raised where cats ate other food items, such as human intestine or tuna, rather than dried food, it maybe something she views as wasteful, and money does come between people in relationships.
2. Is it partly her hard-earned money purchasing said dry cat food? It's not even her cat...
3. The depiction of fear in your cats face is being misread by you, as bubbles referenced, perhaps see an expert in such matters before jumping to conclusions.
Again, this is just about perspective. As an uninvolved third party, where it's understandable you'd be emotionally invested, and hurt, by said circumstances, it's easier to view such possibilities. Again, the slant can make all the difference. As my most favored philosopher, Friedrich Nietzche, stated, “There are no facts, only interpretations.” So best of luck with your situation, friend!

[Moogieotter]

For me it's all about the big picture. I mean this is your fiancee, not just a girlfriend. You are telling each other that you are ready to spend the rest of your lives together. In that perspective, I think the issue of the baby food smashing and complaints about dry cat food are not that big of a deal.

As long as everything else is ok, you could see this as a positive - pick up a case of baby food on the weekends and take turns winging it at random objects - maybe a junk yard or something where you can smash and snap a photo without any issues. Maybe even make some collections of the photographs on a blog site, social media, or even a youtube channel of the baby food smashing.

The same is true of the dry cat food complaints. Maybe other people are passionate about cats and their dry cat food. Maybe a PC social group is in order, or even some meetups of like minded people to lobby and protest against dry food. It's just deep rooted love for the finer things in life that could be driving her.

These are unique characteristics of your fiancee, not things that need to be changed, but maybe whole-heartedly embraced. I mean when you say "I love you" the "you" should be inclusive of her quirks and challenges!

Good luck, lobster hands!

"Always look on the bright side of life" - Monty Python

[Avatar10]

You've been cornered, my friend. Maybe it's time for a little bit of introspection, hugs.

[Bill3]

Smashing baby food in a public place is a serious matter. Flying shards of glass, broken glass under foot actually put others in danger. The shock to the feelings of others. And did she clean up the mess afterwards? The wall, the food, the glass?

[HollowRhythms]

[SeekingPerspective]

Originally Posted by Lobster Hands

Ok, first off, I'm newly engaged after meeting the love of my life

Just to fill you guys in a little bit, we've been together for about three months. Everything has been GREAT up until now and nothing has been too out of the ordinary....until now.

Incident one...
We're at a volunteer food place dropping off some cans for the poor. (no, that's not a normal thing we do...it was part of a work thing for her) She spots a glass jar of baby food, picks it up, and screams, "I can't live with this!" and throws it at the wall. Idk, there's obviously something going on deeper down, but I have never noticed things as dramatic as this.

I took a picture of where she threw it....here


I really don't get it though I ask her about it and she says it was just a joke on the people working there. I don't believe her, she was distraught on the way home.

Oh, sorry, I forgot to add...that occurred about a week ago a day after I proposed.

Incident two...(actually multiple times this week)
Again, this is completely out of the ordinary behavior for her. She has been getting extremely angry and yelling about "people fixing store bought food with the wrong ingredients". The anger is clearly there but, again, when I ask her about it she plays it off like it's just a joke. (it clearly isn't)

Continuing on...these rage moments are really beginning to frighten us. (us = me and cat) I don't have a clue what to do I say my cat is upset too because I managed to catch him frozen in terror one day when she was yelling about the dry cat food I was using to feed my cat.

I got a picture of him too ....yeah, I take a lot of pictures.....


I don't know where this ends how can I continue on without actually knowing what's going on in her head? These are things that really have popped up out of nowhere.

Idk, just kinda need some advice guys really lost and confused here. I think about it everyday when I'm driving home from work..."what's going to happen tonight?"

Lobster Hands,

My gut tells me this is a cry for help. Out of curiosity how is her Parents relationship, healthy, loving, divorced?
The metaphor for throwing the baby food and saying, "I'm can't live with this" could mean she doesn't see herself as a Mother. Did you have a recent chat about children? You might want to learn more about her childhood.
When she say, "I'm just kidding" she is deflecting. Stopping a conversation before it starts.
If you really love her and see spending the rest of your life with her...you need to be strong and direct with a loving approach. She is asking for help in her own way. Expect her to be upset. You are asking her questions about something that has never seen the light of day. Before chatting you might want to see if there is a Couples Counselor near by, that works on a sliding scale and who deals with engaged couples. This is my 2 cents. Take it for what's it worth.
Sending you light and love.

[blew]

weird one spuds like honey moon period is over and this is who he is, I don't blame her for being angry at the world, is she clever or do a lot of reading info online? maybe she jut angry at how **** the world is fed up with false economy, crooked government, an people who sit in the fast lane and over take an extra mile per hour

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[Tree31]

Originally Posted by Lobster Hands

Ok, first off, I'm newly engaged after meeting the love of my life

Just to fill you guys in a little bit, we've been together for about three months. Everything has been GREAT up until now and nothing has been too out of the ordinary....until now.

Incident one...
We're at a volunteer food place dropping off some cans for the poor. (no, that's not a normal thing we do...it was part of a work thing for her) She spots a glass jar of baby food, picks it up, and screams, "I can't live with this!" and throws it at the wall. Idk, there's obviously something going on deeper down, but I have never noticed things as dramatic as this.

I really don't get it though I ask her about it and she says it was just a joke on the people working there. I don't believe her, she was distraught on the way home.

Oh, sorry, I forgot to add...that occurred about a week ago a day after I proposed.

Incident two...(actually multiple times this week)
Again, this is completely out of the ordinary behavior for her. She has been getting extremely angry and yelling about "people fixing store bought food with the wrong ingredients". The anger is clearly there but, again, when I ask her about it she plays it off like it's just a joke. (it clearly isn't)

Continuing on...these rage moments are really beginning to frighten us. (us = me and cat) I don't have a clue what to do I say my cat is upset too because I managed to catch him frozen in terror one day when she was yelling about the dry cat food I was using to feed my cat.

I don't know where this ends how can I continue on without actually knowing what's going on in her head? These are things that really have popped up out of nowhere.

Idk, just kinda need some advice guys really lost and confused here. I think about it everyday when I'm driving home from work..."what's going to happen tonight?"

Hi Lobster Hands,

Wow. What a hard place to be in.

I'm not getting what it is she can't live with. She says it was a joke but you don't believe her. I agree she shouldn't be believed. That is pretty serious aggressive behavior for a joke and if you want to know, I don't think it's funny. Besides, how many jokes do people make that cause even them distress on the way home? Sounds like not a very funny joke in anyone's view, even hers.

Moving on, you have incident two. Except it's two + since it's happened multiple times in a week.

And now these rage moments are really beginning to frighten you (me too, to tell the truth. I agree with your cat), which tells me this is a new thing that is looking uncomfortably like the new normal, especially since it is now something you literally fear daily as you are driving home from work.

Whatever was ordinary pre-engagement, it's sounding like either that is now out of the picture or something else has moved in, or more likely revealed itself, in these new circumstances. In any case, it is part of the picture now. Do you want a marriage that looks like this? (And you might ask, if this is what you've got since getting engaged, what happens after you're married?) It isn't likely to go away, and it didn't really come out of nowhere. Whatever it is and where ever it came from, she doesn't seem to be interested in addressing it any productive fashion, and this is over cat food (well, no, it's not over cat food or baby food, but she's not being real helpful in determining what it is about)? What happens when there's a real problem?

Maybe you should show her those pictures and ask her if she wants to be the kind of person who has this kind of effect on people. And if she doesn't give a satisfactory answer to that, with accompanying changes, maybe ask yourself if this fits your definition of and desire for marriage. Because if she doesn't change and you don't break it off, this is what your getting.