[lonelygirl4]

Before I state what my issue is I just have to let you all know that I can't afford psychiatric help or counseling and I've looked into it and looked into it but there's just nothing affordable for me so that's not really one of my options.

it seems that once I'm in a serious relationship I lose my sex drive completely I have no want for affection or anything like that. I currently have a wonderful boyfriend that I love and it hurts me every day that when he comes near me or try to touch me I just don't want to be around I don't want to kiss him I don't want a hug I feel like I should be a nun.to add on to the problem he wants kids and I thought maybe I would one day but I'm 32 years old now and I still don't want kids I don't know why I just don't I don't see them in my future I don't see the ability to care for them and want them around I love children I just don't want any of my own.
We have already been living together for a while and we have many things that we have bought together and shared financial obligations and things that we paid for together so that's going to be very difficult on both of us if we separate but my main concern now is that I know he wants kids so maybe I should tell him that I don't and give him the choice. but I'm also afraid that because he loves me so much he'll choose to stay with me and forgo his future which I don't want to do to him and I just feel like I'm not going to be able to change and get my drive back or want affection with that when I'm with him or ever have kids I'm not sure what to do.

[Keyslost]

Not to say you have to do this but just something to think about: If he found someone else more into his wishes and you found someone else who also doesn't like the physical stuff or doesn't want kids? Might be easier in the long run. Other than that yeah all you can do is tell him. Ultimately even if he stays despite being unhappy you can still call it off later. Even like 1 yr later. He prob won't be happy but if you wanna know for sure and you're afraid he will martyr for you. If he leaves then you can find someone more suited to you. Hope this gives you some options

I suggest you tell your fiance about how you feel and see how he responds. Before you do though, take some time to consider 1) whether you would be WILLING to work on the sex drive issue - if it's something you think you might desire but there's just a barrier that impedes you - or if you strongly believe sex is something you don't want in your life and you're sure about this (I am not judging in any way and I am not saying one option is better than another in any way - it's about how you feel), and 2) whether there may be a chance you might want children in the future; you're 31 years old now but women sometimes have children only in their late thirties, early forties and beyond (you can also consider adoption as an option, etc.). As I said before, make up your mind about how you feel about these two issues and then talk to your fiance. He will share his view and hopefully you two can find a way to compromise. If no compromise can be made, maybe breaking up is an option that will make both of you happier in the long run.

[Bill3]

I'm also afraid that because he loves me so much he'll choose to stay with me and forgo his future which I don't want to do to him

You would not be doing that to him, it would be a choice that he freely made.

it seems that once I'm in a serious relationship I lose my sex drive completely

How has your sex drive been when not in a serious relationship?

[lonelygirl4]

Originally Posted by Bill3

You would not be doing that to him, it would be a choice that he freely made.

How has your sex drive been when not in a serious relationship?

When im not in a relationship is fine i have no issues. I want sex and want to be close to a person and affectionate. Im the total opposite when im not in a serious relationship.

[Bill3]

When im not in a relationship is fine i have no issues. I want sex and want to be close to a person and affectionate. Im the total opposite when im not in a serious relationship.

Thanks for your reply!

What do you suppose it is about a serious relationship, then, that takes away your sex drive?

[lonelygirl4]

Originally Posted by Bill3

Thanks for your reply!

What do you suppose it is about a serious relationship, then, that takes away your sex drive?

I have no idea. If I did maybe I would be able to figure a way to resolve it but I just have no clue.

Just posing an idea out there: could it be that you get into serious relationships with guys you are less physically/sexually attracted to (but that you find possess qualities you seek in a serious relationship)?

[Bill3]

Well here are two possibilities to think about, they might be working subconsciously, they are just possibilities, but I think worth looking at, how well do they resonate with you?

--kids: a serious relationship brings up the question of kids and you don't want kids. No sex, no kids.
--fear of commitment: might you have that? How much stability have you experienced in your life generally, particularly growing up?

[ChipperMonkey]

At the very least you owe it to him to tell him that you don't want kids. Be prepared for things to end between the two of you. Kids are a MAJOR life decision, and if you don't tell him the truth, it is likely to build resentment in the future. The decision he makes once he knows the truth is on him, ie to stay or go. But, at least your conscious will be clear because you were honest.

[eskielover]

I think it's best if you find someone who has the same goals as you do in life (no kids).....I like you didn't want kids but ended up getting married & the one time we didn't protect against getting pregnant was the time that I ended up pregnant......I wouldn't change having my daughter for anything.....but that was definitely NOT how I felt at the time because I feared it would have an impact on my other goals of degree & career.....it didn't....I had both....but I was definitely NOT good with kids....especially babies...I do ok with older kids but not young ones that you can't reason with.....just was NEVER something I was ever comfortable around & never had an interest to do babysitting while growing up either......so I understand that feeling.

Honestly you are better off if you have someone that is interested in having kids & you aren't to end the relationship.....I definitely tend to agree with Bill's analysis.....no sex....no possibility of having kids. After I had our daughter, I wouldn't go near my H until there was a permanent solution to never having more kids & my gynocologist wouldn't tie my tubes during the c-section because he said that he saw too many women who did that ended up having to have a hysterectomy & he highly recommended the solution be with the H....I figured that was fair in our situation.....gave him the option to leave if he didn't agree also but after freaking out about having to have a c-section (back in the late 70's)....I figured I did my part is having the one kid I determined was MY COMPROMISE.

There were so many other serious issues with our marriage that I really wish it had ended at that point rather than my continuing to tolerate it for 33 years. I found that when there is a difference in ideas on having kids...there are a LOT MORE differences that are hiding under the surface.

Casual sex you probably don't even know if the other guy is interested in kids so if you did get pregnant, you might not even take into consideration what the other person would feel about it....but when you become serious with someone then you probably would feel that they would have a say regarding the pregnancy so it's definitely easier to just abstain from sex than to have to deal with it......JUST A THOUGHT based on how my mind worked but in a different situation.

[lonelygirl4]

Originally Posted by Bill3

Well here are two possibilities to think about, they might be working subconsciously, they are just possibilities, but I think worth looking at, how well do they resonate with you?

--kids: a serious relationship brings up the question of kids and you don't want kids. No sex, no kids.
--fear of commitment: might you have that? How much stability have you experienced in your life generally, particularly growing up?

Well my parents got divorced when I was 1 and neither remarried. My longest relationship was 2 years. And I've only recently felt stable in my life with a good job and a car/driver's license for the first time.

[Bill3]

Thanks!

When a relationship gets serious, what does it feel like for you?

With regard to kids: what if you were serious about a guy who definitely did not want kids? How do you think your sex drive would be then?

[lonelygirl4]

Originally Posted by Bill3

Thanks!

When a relationship gets serious, what does it feel like for you?

With regard to kids: what if you were serious about a guy who definitely did not want kids? How do you think your sex drive would be then?

Well I don't know because it hasn't happened yet. As for a serious relationship well it feels sometimes like I become dependent and lose my independence at the same time. I don't mind sharing but when I get something for myself I like it to be for me not for us. My bf has excepted that though. I always feel obligated and like I lose my freedom a bit. I also isolate my self from friends when im in a relationship. I get distant from ppl.

[s4ndm4n2006]

you say you're afraid he'll choose to be with you anyway and that you don't want him to give up having kids for you. Isn't that his choice? If he gives that up to be with you that's up to him but at least the separation isn't under false pretenses and if he stays he has the reality of what is before him rather than either breakign up with him without telling him the truth as to why or letting him stay and pretending it might change. Being honest in a relationship is job #1 period.

Also you should stay because you're happy with him and choose to remain for reasons other than those things, in a good relationship any challenge can be overcome but the most important part is that the two people are there because they want to be. It doesn't make sense that if you love him and want to be with him that you would choose to leave based on assumptions of a future that may or may not come - that is children and your sex life coming back or not, etc.

If you want to stay in the relationship, be up front, honest and tell him right away about your feelings because it doesn't sound like your fears are based on lack of love for the guy but fears alone. He deserves to know and deserves to make the choice to stay or to go based on the truth and not have a break up forced on him by someone that loves him but is protecting him from making the "wrong choice".

[Bill3]

Well I don't know because it hasn't happened yet. As for a serious relationship well it feels sometimes like I become dependent and lose my independence at the same time. I don't mind sharing but when I get something for myself I like it to be for me not for us. My bf has excepted that though. I always feel obligated and like I lose my freedom a bit. I also isolate my self from friends when im in a relationship. I get distant from ppl.

Thanks!

A serious relationship can sometimes make you feel dependent, lacking independence, obligated, isolated from friends, alone in a sense.

How significant would you consider these issues to be? For example, if 0 = of no importance, and 100 = the most negative issue you have ever experienced, what number would you assign to the issues connected with a serious relationship?

[lonelygirl4]

Originally Posted by Bill3

Thanks!

A serious relationship can sometimes make you feel dependent, lacking independence, obligated, isolated from friends, alone in a sense.

How significant would you consider these issues to be? For example, if 0 = of no importance, and 100 = the most negative issue you have ever experienced, what number would you assign to the issues connected with a serious relationship?

I would say that changes. At first its a 20 but later on as it starts to weigh on me it feels like a 70

[Bill3]

Thanks!

So there seem to be two reasons that each or together could cause you to lose your interest in sex. There is the possibility of having kids when you don't want them, and there is the weight of the serious relationship, the loss of freedom and connection that it currently means for you.

How well does this explanation make sense to you? How much does it feel right or reasonable?

[lonelygirl4]

It does make sense to me I just never thought of it that way.

[Bill3]

Thanks! It sounds like when you are serious about someone it feels to you like a sort of a betrayal to the relationship if you have something of your own, if you hang with others, if you want your own space and freedom. What do you think? Maybe you feel guilty if you do those things?

[lonelygirl4]

Yes. But in my last serious relationship he never spoke of kids in fact he had one just not living with him. I moved to Florida with him and knew nobody there. In my current case I moved to Missouri where I also know nobody. It feels like I get easily irritated with everything he does now. I don't show it but I feel it.

[Bill3]

Thanks. It sounds like your experience is that a serious relationship becomes suffocating as you get focused on the guy, draw away from stuff for yourself and draw away from other people, and as you just explained even move to a place where you know no one and thus feel completely isolated. Part of the suffocation, I am thinking, is a felt inability to express irritation with him.

No wonder you don't feel like having sex under these conditions.

I am thinking, also, that a concern might be that kids will give rise to the same sorts of feelings: the fear that kids will take over your life, leave nothing for you, and generate guilt if you ever try to do something for yourself.

What do you think of the above?

[lonelygirl4]

Originally Posted by Bill3

Thanks. It sounds like your experience is that a serious relationship becomes suffocating as you get focused on the guy, draw away from stuff for yourself and draw away from other people, and as you just explained even move to a place where you know no one and thus feel completely isolated. Part of the suffocation, I am thinking, is a felt inability to express irritation with him.

No wonder you don't feel like having sex under these conditions.

I am thinking, also, that a concern might be that kids will give rise to the same sorts of feelings: the fear that kids will take over your life, leave nothing for you, and generate guilt if you ever try to do something for yourself.

What do you think of the above?

I think that makes a lot of sense. But with that in mind what are my options. Am i to be like my mother and have no serious long term companions for the rest of my life and only animals as company?

[Bill3]

Thanks! I have some ideas about this, but unfortunately I have to get to work now so I will respond late tonight.

In the meantime, though, it would be helpful if you described a bit more what your mother's life was/is like. You would have learned a lot from observing her while you were growing up.

[lonelygirl4]

Originally Posted by Bill3

Thanks! I have some ideas about this, but unfortunately I have to get to work now so I will respond late tonight.

In the meantime, though, it would be helpful if you described a bit more what your mother's life was/is like. You would have learned a lot from observing her while you were growing up.

Well my mom worked 3 jobs and went to college at the same time when i was young. One of those jobs was striping at a club. She went through many b/f's that never worked out in the end. One of which got her to move to the big island (hawaii) where she found her dream home/property. He was an alcoholic and so she ended up breaking it off and just being friends. Not to long after that i was old enough to leave so soon as i was 18 i left because at the time i despised her. Moved in with my dad and she has lived on the big island in her shack ever since. She has 13 cats but they live outside and are mostly feral but mom feeds them (on a 1.3 acre property) she had a bird that recently passed away and 3 dogs. Now she also has some baby chicks she is raising. She recently had a b/f but they wanted different things so now they are just friends. My mom mainly works her but off working and works at home to care for animals and her gardens (she's a horticulturist)
Seems no matter how hard I tried to be different from my mother I seem to be a lot like her. She had me at 32 my current age. But thats one big difference she wanted a child and got me i dont want to have a kid.