[quietincrowd]

I am in a relationship with someone who is depressed. I have known them a little over a year and we have been dating almost 8 months. They are kind, compassionate, empathetic, loving but when this major bout hit a few weeks ago they pushed me away hard and fast. They were not mean, just really retreated into a shell and hid. While they have said they are not looking for a relationship right now but need to focus on their mental health, they also tell me they care and even love me. I am trying to step back, maintain the friendship we have built everything upon and be supportive as all the resources say to. I have asked for more input on what they want but they do not provide it. I know they expect me to leave because everyone else has always just walked away when they push they away at a time of a major depressive episode. I am not comfortable with that, they are in pain and struggling and I am trying my best to be supportive.
I suppose I am seeking input. Anyone else seen this? Suggestions?
Thanks!

[CANDC]

Quiet, you pm'd me and we exchanged ideas about this. I hope you find a path that keeps you safe and helps your partner as much as they will allow.

People that refuse treatment are difficult for me to deal with. It does not make sense. But making sense is not always what other people are about. And my sensible may not be their sensible.

It is kind of an old saw, but for me it applies in my relationship.

You can lead the horse to water, but you cannot make them drink

Be sure and take care of yourself.

[Trippin2.0]

I was going through the same thing with my bf. He would hide, so well it was almost like I had an imaginary bf at times.


With time, patience and communication, he has stopped retreating into his man cave all alone.


For him it was a combination of depressive isolation, fear I would end up walking away, and also not wanting to share his troubles.


Things changed very gradually...

At first I told him I need some type of warning he's going to withdraw or go incommunicado, for my own sanity. This he agreed would be the considerate thing to do, but he didn't want to talk about his feelings... I in turn promised not to pry, that he could share only if and when he felt comfortable, that all I needed to know was, "I need some alone time".


So that's how it started, a small yet significant change...


Guess from there he grew willing to make more changes.

Currently it looks like he may be headed for another episode, but he's reaching out, being communicative about what he's going through and is more receptive of me being supportive of him.


I guess for me it was easier to understand because I've had my own battles with depression, except I have people to answer to when I need to hide (like my daughter) and my bf doesn't.


I feel for your situation, and I hope your loved one feels better soon, but please don't forget to look after yourself while breaking your back trying to be there for them

[arundelle]

What helps is to stay calm. If he's wasting time worrying how you're reacting instead of working on himself, it will just take all the longer.

Don't go away. Don't be clingy, but don't abandon him, even if he wants you to. Let him know when you're thinking of him. Keep him updated on what's going on in your life, in very short bits, like sound clips. And let him know that you don't expect him to respond, that's not the point of you keeping him updated, that the point is that you want to tell him something, so you are. It helps a lot for a depressed person to know you aren't just sitting around pining for them, it takes that guilt away.

Try to accept without getting the whole scoop. If you dig, he will run further. Trust what he's saying. It probably killed him to tell you the truth, so that shows a lot of love and respect. Let him know you appreciate him telling you what's happening rather than just going away, and that you'll be there.

[quietincrowd]

Thanksto both of you for the input. It is reassuring to know I am going in the right direction. I did explain that while it may be a pattern they were used to, I am not going anywhere. I touch base regularly, with just statements, how work is, hope you are having a good day...things that keep them informed but require no interaction. I have started to receive little snippets in return. When they are grounded and ready to return to the real world I think I will say that at some point we need to learn a language so when thing come around again we can have a plan in place. I know pushing and prying is not good.
Thanks so much! Seeing them when it is good, knowing what is in their heart makes the effort all worth it!
Good luck with your journey too!

[arundelle]

That's a good sign, that he's returning your messages. Just give it time. He'll be feeling better soon.

[quietincrowd]

This is the first major incident I have seen them deal with and it was difficult to know what to do. All the resources say how to be supportive but its vague. And I have no idea how long it will even take.
Thanks for the input.

[ProudlyPersevering]

I have a friend that dealt with this. It does get better with time. Keep being patient.

[s4ndm4n2006]

Originally Posted by Trippin2.0

I was going through the same thing with my bf. He would hide, so well it was almost like I had an imaginary bf at times.


With time, patience and communication, he has stopped retreating into his man cave all alone.


For him it was a combination of depressive isolation, fear I would end up walking away, and also not wanting to share his troubles.


Things changed very gradually...

At first I told him I need some type of warning he's going to withdraw or go incommunicado, for my own sanity. This he agreed would be the considerate thing to do, but he didn't want to talk about his feelings... I in turn promised not to pry, that he could share only if and when he felt comfortable, that all I needed to know was, "I need some alone time".


So that's how it started, a small yet significant change...


Guess from there he grew willing to make more changes.

Currently it looks like he may be headed for another episode, but he's reaching out, being communicative about what he's going through and is more receptive of me being supportive of him.


I guess for me it was easier to understand because I've had my own battles with depression, except I have people to answer to when I need to hide (like my daughter) and my bf doesn't.


I feel for your situation, and I hope your loved one feels better soon, but please don't forget to look after yourself while breaking your back trying to be there for them

This is great advice and glad that it has worked with your bf, trippin. Thing is, what I see is you did so much right here. You respected his need for privacy, alone time and you acknowledged his depression. You gave him room to be himself through it all and ultimately this is how you build trust.

Now that you've shown how much you care for him by doing those things, he has learned to trust you and I think his opening up to you and being comfortable in times of depression will continue to grow in this way. good for you!

@OP, look to Trippin as an example. She may not want a relationship right now but the first key to that ever having a chance to happen is being a good, trustworthy friend that she knows will be there when the hard times are over while at the same time knowing this friend is respectful enough to give her the space she needs.

People dealing with depression or any MI, honestly almost always need and long for someone they can trust, that will try to understand and respect their challenges, even if they can't entirely empathize of feel what they do. Its far too easy to walk away from someone that might present a challenge, and I commend you on the desire to be different with her.

At the very least, if you do this, you will gain a life long friend and even if that's not what you think you want right now, it's not a bad thing at all

[brainhi]

Originally Posted by arundelle

What helps is to stay calm. If he's wasting time worrying how you're reacting instead of working on himself, it will just take all the longer.

Don't go away. Don't be clingy, but don't abandon him, even if he wants you to. Let him know when you're thinking of him. Keep him updated on what's going on in your life, in very short bits, like sound clips. And let him know that you don't expect him to respond, that's not the point of you keeping him updated, that the point is that you want to tell him something, so you are. It helps a lot for a depressed person to know you aren't just sitting around pining for them, it takes that guilt away.

Try to accept without getting the whole scoop. If you dig, he will run further. Trust what he's saying. It probably killed him to tell you the truth, so that shows a lot of love and respect. Let him know you appreciate him telling you what's happening rather than just going away, and that you'll be there.

It does not always go away quickly. It's also very hard to "pretend" everything is alright so not to worry others. When I was going through a down period.. I had a couple friends call & try to get me to do something to cheer me up... I had to tell them that I appreciate their concern but I just cannot right now. Thank you for thinking of me (This might not come across well..but I could not go do something with them to make them feel better).

[quietincrowd]

Brainhi, I can see that and I definitely do not need them to do something for me.I do not need them to pretend, just to be what they are at that point in time. I just needed to know more of what is most supportive and what to not do. If a single text to touch base or dropping off dinner at the door with no expectation of interaction is best. Just to be a support system that is there when then need it and to not be a burden otherwise.

Thanks for all the info!