Just Venting and Need to Get It Out

Regarding her needs, to the best of my knowledge and from what she's told me in therapy and such, I'm actually going above and beyond when it comes to meeting her needs. I didn't do very well when I was fighting off the major depressive episode, but since then I've really stepped up and made sure to speak her love languages and make sure her "love bucket" was full (supporting and encouraging her, complimenting her and being romantic, quality time together, etc).

But there's one trump card about my wife. She has PTSD from a rape about 20 years ago so she hides behind an emotional wall most of the time. We were affectionate toward each other up until around October last year when things went drastically south and she withdrew. It was around then that she had her back surgery and took on her management job responsibilities. Those are the big events around the time that she said her libido was suffering. So I assume there's a connection.

The lack of sex is the most prevalent and obvious symptom of our issues right now. It was a sudden crash back in October, enough that I was worried it was a symptom of something physical. As I mentioned, there's been no real affectionate touching at all. She is emotionally unavailable and, it seems, out of touch enough she doesn't even realize we're having relationship problems. She even stated that she doesn't want to speak my love languages.

Maybe she withdrew that month due to so much happening and, thanks to my persistent attempts at making her life as rewarding/happy as I can, I've inadvertently been enabling her to stay behind her walls of PTSD without having to come out and address our relationship? It's really the only thing I can pin down, but with PTSD it's hard to really understand what's going on internally with someone.

But there's definitely some subtle action I'm performing that is causing her reaction. I just don't know what yet.

I commend on you keep trying, it sounds that you are a good husband and you aren't oblivious to what's happening. I truly hope therapist can help you both.

I am thinking that in the future aging and what not would hinder sex life anyways. It is important to have something else to fall to. Quality time as you mention is important.

I hope it gets better

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Do you two have kids?

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Everytime that I read it all comes back to what happened in October with your health, I keep thinking, so bleeping what?!!! Bodies don't behave perfectly all the time. Really, that destroyed her self image?! I don't buy her reasons

Oh I do not buy any of her stories of sudden change. And she has demanding job and is in a mood for sex all day then loses it when she gets home. Why is she in a mood all day all of a sudden. None of it makes sense

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Yeppers. We have two boys still at home (13 and 10), a daughter who's 23 and three grandkids who are 5, 2 and brand spanking new.

Whenever we're around the kids, we obviously don't discuss adult issues. Their job is to be kids, go to school and play, not help with adult problems. But the boys have noticed my wife's withdrawal and will randomly give my wife a hug to try to cheer her up.

That's what's been so confusing to me. It doesn't make sense to me. However, as an update from this weekend, there has been a change. Her company is going to open up another market in California which would lead to her having to be there for 30-60 days, but haven't told her yet. She was promised no new business in 2015 so she's resolved to put in her notice the minute they announce the new market.

This seems to have really lightened the load on her shoulders. She's basically short-timing it at work now. As a results, she's been more herself lately; more physically affectionate (she'll stop and kiss me on her way past, random touching, etc), she's more engaged when we talk and we even made love on Saturday (woot!). So maybe things are coming around? Dunno, but I'll post updates as they happen.

Thanks everyone for the support.

Fingers crossed! Hope things improve

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Fingers crossed, from me, as well.

Hmmmm if it works for the boys......why not for you.....just a hug with no sex intended.

I'm not one to be able to give any good suggestions because I finally realized after I left my bad marriage of 33 years that my H turned me off before we ever got married (huge issues & red flags that I didn't know what I was seeing)

You commented that your wife had back surgery about the same time that she started having no interest in sex......just curious because I know that after I fractured my back & the pain that was involved with that....If I had been married, there is no way for a long time I would have wanted to have sex.

I'm not one to talk because I had no interest in having anything to do with my H the last 13 years we had to live in the same house & it wasn't often before.....but I was the one who had no interest in him from the beginning......soooooo.....I have NO experience other than in the things that turned me off.

If I had a H I cared about however, even though I sat at the other end of the sofa, it probably wouldn't have been something that would have bothered me to have him just sit close & be together without sex always having to be the END result.....maybe that was something she was feeling just from reading some of what you wrote here.

Being intimate & close without always wanting to have it end with sex can show a greater caring....a caring that is there no matter what.....just a thought even though you say she sits at the other end of the sofa....it might be just to see if you will make a move to wanting to be close to her?......

Relationships can be so difficult to figure out exactly what it is that caused the problem or the thought at that specific point in time.....sometimes it can just be something that's said in passing that even she might not actually remember but the feeling remains.

It wasn't until 33 years after I got married that I remembered what happened before the wedding that caused me to feel the way I did & I didn't even remember talking to my mother about stopping the wedding until then......then it hit me over the head in ALL the details....& I realized why the whole 33 years was the way it was.