Ten Red Flags
Jeff Herring, a marriage and family therapist, and an internationally syndicated relationship columnist (Knight-Ridder/Tribune Media Services) identifies ten warning signs of an impending emotional affair:

1) Thinking or saying, "We're just friends."

If you have caught yourself thinking or saying, "but we're just friends," you are probably already in trouble. "But we're just friends" are four of the most dangerous words for a relationship. These words are usually said to rationalize something you know is wrong. Rationalize is also spelled "rational lies."

2) Thinking and daydreaming about the person more and more often

This should be a loud, screaming clue. Do you think and day dream about your regular friends in this way?

3) Looking forward to the next time you can see and/or talk to the person

If you feel excitement and anticipation, a quickening of your pulse, as you get ready to see this person, watch out.

4) Wanting to tell them first when something happens in your day

This means that this person has become your primary emotional confidant.

5) Sharing intimate emotions

This flows naturally from this person being your primary emotional confidant. Because emotional affairs can be harder to break than purely physical ones, you can get trapped right here.

6) Sharing intimate problems

Especially dangerous if you are sharing problems in your marriage or relationship with this other person.

7) You believe that this person understands you much more than your spouse

Of course it looks like they do. That is part of the illusion of the affair. This belief draws you away from your partner and toward the other person.

8) Keeping secrets and covering up

Secrets bond two people together against a third person.

9) Giving gifts you would not normally give to a friend

Things to wear, jewelry, and other intimate gifts come with a message: we are very close.

10) Spending more and more time alone

I've heard so many people tell me that this was the one that pushed them over the edge. They had promised themselves that nothing would happen, but the temptation and availability of time alone was too much to resist.
*********************************************************************

since this has come up in the forum, i thought i'd share this......pat

[seeker1950]

Yes, been there, done that!

this dude knows of what he writes........

[psisci]

What does it mean if I want to tell my dog about me new adventures??

[sunrise]

Ha, ha, by these criteria, I think I'm having an emotional affair with my therapist!

[Perna]

Sunrise, you have to take back that watch you gave him; no giving jewelry! :-) I think though, the "sharing secrets" has to be two-way too :-(

[MadKitty]

so telling my best friend (who I met before my hubby) things or sharing or whatever is also called an "emotional affair"

it means you don't have anyone else to talk to.

folks, i'm fairly certain that this article was written for people who are in a committed relationship and this stuff starts AFTER that.........do what you will with it.

[Direction]

I'm a bit saddened that everyone seems to be making this post more of a joke.

It was I think - correct me if I am wrong fayerody - really an answer to some of the more recent posts where this is a real issue.

I know no one is meaning to be incensitive to their issues; however, it comes across that way.

[darkeyes]

I thought it was an informative post, not intended to hurt or anger anyone.
I see a lot of truth to the ten signs, I've seen them in my 3D, and can relate.
It was a good post, and those that do not wish to read it have the choice of just clicking on a different forum/thread or just pass it by.
Just my own feelings.

[seeker1950]

The factors and behaviors listed in the post presented by Pat are totally accurate...
I was thirty-one, unhappily married with a small child, and enrolled in a painting class while living in VA. After the first class, I was smitten by the painting teacher, 20 years older, a Svengali seducer type, if there ever was one. I worked very hard to be his star pupil, and spent every waking minute anticipating my next class. I took his class for several semesters, just to be in his presence, and gradually began confiding personal things to him. He told me, at one point, he would "take care" of me, and invited me to his apt. I left my daughter at preschool, and went there, thinking we would talk about "us," but all he was interested in was having sex, which I couldn't do! After that meeting, he stopped all communication with me, though he had been calling my house at night after my husband and I went to bed.
It literally took me 10 years to recover from this, during which time I desperately sought counseling. One counselor told me an emotional affair can be a devastating and require as much recovery effort as a physical one!
Patty

[SeptemberMorn]

[seeker1950]

September...
Was this "rolling with laughter" a response to my post?
I don't understand, as I was sharing something very personal and which took a serious and very long effort from which to recover. I did not post this to elicit laughter, but to share with those who might at this time be going thru somehting similar.
Patty

[darkeyes]

I do not believe she is laughing at you, her reply was to psisci's, reply, take a look at his and then maybe this will make more sense.

I admire you for sharing your experience with us.

((((((((((( seeker )))))))))))

[seeker1950]

LOL, well, yes, my two dogs and three cats are my partners now, and I can relate!
Patty

i posted the article because we've had serious discussions here about this.

it saddens me that people think it is something to joke about because i know that the people who have opened up and told about their pain probably don't think it's funny at all.

but then, again, this is why i rarely post anything personal anymore.safety should come first here. and i would hope that posters would take that to heart when they make jokes about anything concerning something this serious. pat

[psisci]

Hey, I love my dog, he does not judge, criticize, have moods, agendas etc... I was trying to make a point, but perhaps the interpretation was too concrete and/or projective....sigh

[drunksunflower]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
psisci said:
Hey, I love my dog, he does not judge, criticize, have moods, agendas etc

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

if only more people were more like doggies.

*sigh*

[SeptemberMorn]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
SeptemberMorn
Legendary
- Online! -

Mood:
Member since:
Jul 2003
Posts: 15729

Re: Ten Signs of an "Emotional Affair"................. [Re: psisci]

#529125 - Today (05/07/07) at 02:34 pm Edit Reply Quote



</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

This is why I think that the quick response at the bottom of a thread is not a good idea. It always leaves a question in my mind, anyway, as to who is responding to who.

If you will notice in my quote above as well as where I laughed, that I was responding to PSISCI. Why on earth would I laugh at YOU??

EDIT
I've had an "emotional affair" myself with a member of the opposite sex. There are times when I still wish this person was in my life. He was a very positive influence on me. Yes, it was tough getting over him, but hey! I'm still here and in one piece!

Now I tell my doggie my secrets and she goes with me wherever I go and shares everything with me that my "emotional affair" wanted to share but was difficult... er... impossible!

PSISCI is right! Dogs and cats don't have agendas, don't judge, don't talk back, and everything else he said! I don't have to "share" all my new experiences with my dog because she's ALWAYS with me!

It's beyond me why we always have to cry and moan over our mistakes; why we always have to be so serious! Lighten up, people! It helps ever so much to be able to laugh at oneself! GEEEZ!

[SeptemberMorn]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
fayerody said:

Ten Red Flags
Jeff Herring, a marriage and family therapist, and an internationally syndicated relationship columnist (Knight-Ridder/Tribune Media Services) identifies ten warning signs of an impending emotional affair:

1) Thinking or saying, "We're just friends."

If you have caught yourself thinking or saying, "but we're just friends," you are probably already in trouble. "But we're just friends" are four of the most dangerous words for a relationship. These words are usually said to rationalize something you know is wrong. Rationalize is also spelled "rational lies."

2) Thinking and daydreaming about the person more and more often

This should be a loud, screaming clue. Do you think and day dream about your regular friends in this way?

3) Looking forward to the next time you can see and/or talk to the person

If you feel excitement and anticipation, a quickening of your pulse, as you get ready to see this person, watch out.

4) Wanting to tell them first when something happens in your day

This means that this person has become your primary emotional confidant.

5) Sharing intimate emotions

This flows naturally from this person being your primary emotional confidant. Because emotional affairs can be harder to break than purely physical ones, you can get trapped right here.

6) Sharing intimate problems

Especially dangerous if you are sharing problems in your marriage or relationship with this other person.

7) You believe that this person understands you much more than your spouse

Of course it looks like they do. That is part of the illusion of the affair. This belief draws you away from your partner and toward the other person.

8) Keeping secrets and covering up

Secrets bond two people together against a third person.

9) Giving gifts you would not normally give to a friend

Things to wear, jewelry, and other intimate gifts come with a message: we are very close.

10) Spending more and more time alone

I've heard so many people tell me that this was the one that pushed them over the edge. They had promised themselves that nothing would happen, but the temptation and availability of time alone was too much to resist.
*********************************************************************

since this has come up in the forum, i thought i'd share this......pat

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

1) Thinking or saying, "We're just friends."

My personal provider IS my friend. She's a female.

3) Looking forward to the next time you can see and/or talk to the person

If you feel excitement and anticipation, a quickening of your pulse, as you get ready to see this person, watch out.


This applies to my personal provider, too.

4) Wanting to tell them first when something happens in your day

Sometimes, yes, especially if it concerns my family

6) Sharing intimate problems

OOOPS again!

7) You believe that this person understands you much more than your spouse

She certainly does... because she listens, which is something my spouse is too self-centered to do.

So... I've got half of the symptoms of an "emotional affair." Are there any sexual undertones? No! Am I having an "emotional affair"? You call it! I'm not gay but I do love this woman. She IS my FRIEND!

Are PSISCI and I having an "emotional affair" with our dogs? Maybe! We've got very dear buddies that won't betray us if their life depended on it!

i've learned long ago that there are individuals who are going to come into threads with smartass posts. that's why i don't post very much. it isn't worth my time. i don't sit here all day waiting for someone to post something so i can start crap. i'm here to support people. and i used to be here to get support.

i stand by what i copied. it's about relationships with either the opposite sex or same sex relationships as in GAY/STRAIGHT.

it is certainly anyone's perogative here to come in and argue with an article, or try to be cute, that someone else wrote and i posted because we've been dealing with this issue.

i guess it's okay to make fun of the issue even if it means that it may hurt some other poster's feelings because they are going through it now.

you post what you can get by with here. for myself, i won't dignify the smartass responses with another post. take this thread and run with it. be silly, be jolly, quote it and disect it. whatever gets you through the night ........... and gets you some attention.

i'm editing again. i've always thought double-teaming was for something like that fake pro wrestling. i've learned that it works on PC just as well. but i can't get the image of those fake wrestlers out of my mind. "big hat, no cattle" "big snake, no rattle" "big belly, no brain".......courtesy of Randy Newman.

fayerody,

I'm sorry your post, in some cases, was not taken in the way it was intended. I appreciated it very much. And I'm sure for those that are dealing with this issue-- be it themselves or their partner-- it is a very serious and often upsetting situation and nothing to poke fun at...... especially when children are involved as has been the case here lately.

I would bet this post has been helpful to many people that come here and read .... it's unfortunate that some didn't post their own "funny" remarks in the "social-chat" forum-- where they belong (IMO).

fayerody--

mandy

thank you, Mandyfins.........you're a true friend and a great support here at PC, not just for me but for all..........xoxoxo pat

[seeker1950]

For me, the Ten Signs were totally accurate, reflecting how I felt at that time, long ago. When I think back on the amount of time and emotional energy I wasted, it IS sad!
I hope anyone who is going thru such a thing now will feel free to come here and seek support!
Thanks, Pat!
Patty