Moving Beyond the Affair??????? How?????

Trying to recover from an affair when only one is seeking help isn't the easiest thing to do. He knows he screwed up but doesn't see that it was a relationship issue or something. I'm not sure. He said it just happened. Whatever.

I guess what I wanted to say was how difficult it is to refocus upon the relationship. I'm just starting to deal with the anger and hurt and when I look upon him, I certainly don't see desire. I see anger and disgust and a thousand other feelings. But not desire.

Is this going to pass? How am I supposed to work upon our relationship when this is what I see? And yet I'm still expected to "go on". I'm really confused.

It probably won't pass...unless he has a desire to refocus...maybe a sit down (assertive and direct not pouncing on him) with him that you are willing to jointly work on the marraige...and that he needs to take more than just an active role...but a leadership roll...that both of you as leaders can do what is needed to repair what has been damaged...sound reasonable to you?

If he can't take a leadership role or even just an active role and you've told him that is what is necessary...I think you have figured out something very important about his view on this marraige...right?

Direction, it does sound reasonable. It's difficult to figure out what it is I want because I've been so hurt. I just feel so "convenient" but am afraid to do anything as far as a seperation etc because I am so hurt and confused right now. I want to know that the choice I make is a correct one.

Our communication is definately lacking. I also think he has issues that are deeper than he is willing to admit but won't seek help (I've suggested). I'm also struggling with issues that have surfaced from my past and he is a trigger for that as well.

I don't know. I just need to get to a place where I can function without feeling so angry and so used. I need to be able to sort out my feelings while still communicating with him and know that I have a right to do so.

Maybe a good time for a trip to a friend or relative? Sort things out?

You probably already understand this there is separation with sincere attempts to repair the marriage and then there is separation in preparation for divorce...

Separation using the first defination may be something that can be useful if you are triggering each other...possibilty?

I know you said he won't seek help, but it seems like you need a third party helping you. If he thinks it's just "whatever" that is extremely messed up. Since he won't seek help, maybe you can seek out a couples therapist alone, and talk to him/her about getting your husband to go, or at least what you can work on alone. I'm sure they've had to deal with it that sort of situation in the past.

Hey SongBirdandDaisy

I totally understand what you are going through. I went through that with my first marriage.

I agree with getting a third party/T and look at all your option and know you have try everything to repair the demanage.

Which every way your decide its not going to be easy. For me after 6mths of therapy and trying to make it work, I realised that I couldn't change his ways and that it was a sink or swim situation.

I have had other friends go through it and stay and things have worked for them because the other was willing to change.

God Bless
XX
SpringStar

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SongBirdandDaisy said:
I guess what I wanted to say was how difficult it is to refocus upon the relationship. I'm just starting to deal with the anger and hurt... Is this going to pass? How am I supposed to work upon our relationship when this is what I see? And yet I'm still expected to "go on". I'm really confused.

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Songbird, I'm sorry for what you are going through. I have experienced a similar situation in my marriage, and it has not been easy. I don't think this will "pass", the way you are feeling, unless you work on it. It might be easier to stuff it inside and not deal with it, but at some point, it will come out.

For me, I went into therapy when I was faced with this situation. It was too big for me to handle on my own. I was not strong enough to do couples therapy, and I don't think my husband would have wanted to at that point. In my individual therapy, we worked on my getting stronger and also discovering what I wanted from the marriage--whether to continue or not.

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It's difficult to figure out what it is I want because I've been so hurt.

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I hear ya! Maybe in therapy you could work on the hurt first, and then the marriage question.

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I just need to get to a place where I can function without feeling so angry and so used.

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Maybe a therapist's office could come to be that safe haven. You sound very hurt now and in need of a lot of support. Just a warning--couples therapy will not necessarily provide support, so if that's what you need, seeking individual therapy first is not a bad plan. Or simultaneously try individual and couples. Just some ideas...

For me, it took me a year and a half, two therapists, a lawyer, and supportive friends and family before I was ready to move forward and tell my husband I wanted a divorce. I felt so cowardly that it took so long, but it was so very hard and painful to reach that point. Right now, we are in couples therapy to help us uncouple, and we are working on communication skills that we hope will help us co-parent after we are divorced.

Back to your original question, "will this pass?" Well, I am pretty unmoved now when I think of my husband's dalliances, still ongoing. It's just how he is, and a signal that our two systems of values are irreconcilable. Time to say bye. Your situation sounds more hopeful to me, as your husband says he "screwed up." To me, that shows some evidence of his (maybe) being willing to work on your relationship.

Good luck, take care.

sunny

Just wanted to know that I am supportive of whatever you decide. Hugs and hugs and hugs.

My T has urged me several times to get him into couples counseling with me. It's not going to happen. He believes we can work it out ourselves. It's not going too badly. And it's actually complicated because I have such a history - the whole thing is messed up. I can't make any decisions until I work through my past abuse and get my head back on straight.

Right now, I'm just trying to make it all work until I know what to do.
Sigh.

Sunny, thank you for sharing your story and feelings with me. It helps to answer a few questions and give me ideas.

Sorry, things are a little hazy right now. I can't do this right now. So Sorry.

"He believes we can work it out ourselves." What are your thoughts on his belief?

((((((((((((SongBirdandDaisy))))))))))))

Please don't let the pass experience (you history) be the reason for not acknowledging how you are feeling now.

Some times our pass experiences can help us know when something is not right for us.....I think like warning bells and alarms. They are there to protect us. Maybe your partner is relying on this so he doesn't have to deal with what is going on now.

Please take the time to rest and listen to your heart and soul.

I know its not easy and I know its not fair.

All the best and God Bless.

Love
SpringStar

At first, I thought we could work it out ourselves. Then, as I worked with my T, I came to undersand that a mediator would be able to help us communicate better, help us change what needed to be changed by forcing the follow up questions. Maybe what I'm hearing myself say is that a couples counselor would help me to say the things I am afraid to say and help him to say the truth about what he is feeling. He has a problem with that. I believe he is sincere when he is saying something but doesn't follow through mostly, or is saying what he want to believe, which is not necessarily true.

Sunny made a good point and clarification about what to expect from a couples counselor: that they aren't the same type of support that one would receive from someone like my clinical psychologist. That is an important point and one I didn't consider. And I believe this to be important because I don't think I am strong enough yet to handle that sort of thing. Although, that is what I want - to mend the relationship (I think) and get some honest answers from him. Although my point to my T has always been that my h means well, he just has his own set of issues, one being that he says things that he wants to believe but usually is not true. . It makes it difficult to "believe" anything, or hope for anything and after you've been burned a couple of times (okay maybe more than a couple) it's tough to raise that hope again.

SpringStar, you kinda sound like my T in saying trust my gut. And you make an excellent point when you say that maybe my h is relying on my abusive past so he doesn't have to deal with what is really going on. I hadn't considered that, or hadn't wanted to consider that.

I don't know when life became so complicated. I guess I just keep telling myself that as I become mentally healthier, the answer will be clearer. Until that time, It's walking through quicksand that won't drag you under but won't let you go.

SongBird...since it sounds like you believe couples therapy is the way to go...you need to tell him what your needs are regarding moving past this...if he doesn't agree...then I think you have some thinking to do...

SongBirdandDaisy

I am hearing you loud and clear....I understand the thoughts that are running through your mind and the self justification that it’s your fault and waiting until you’re mentally healthier.....

Maybe there is nothing wrong with the way you think and it is quiet normal with all that you have been through......this is what makes us stronger.

Please get your husband to sit down and talk about everything.... a good relationship is worth fighting for.

With couples therapy you both have to be willing to compromise and acknowledge each others feelings, whether you agree or disagree.

Personally you have to want this as well and if you can move on from the affair it takes incredible strength and commitment , your husband need to understand this and make every effort to help you on this one.

It’s not easy and somethings can scare us for life as you already know. The trick is controlling those experiences not allowing them to dominate your thought process. Both you and your husband will need to be acutely aware of your triggers and how to avoid them. It’s like knowing the road rules so you don't crash.

I wish you all the best SongBirdandDaisy.

XX
SpringStar

Direction, I think I agree with you. I know I can't do this alone and shouldn't have to. The relationship is both of our responsibilities, right?

Maybe he's too embarassed to have to admit to another person what he did, maybe he doesn't want to deal with it and just hope it's over. Who knows . . .

SpringStar, "knowing the road rules so you don't crash" - I like that analogy.

Yes, we do need to sit down and talk. I guess he thinks because we've talked about it once, that he doesn't have to talk about it any more. Some men are so thick~! I need him to understand what his actions have done and need to know why. I don't accept his first answer as to why. It was the easy way out, IMO. I don't believe he was honest with me or himself.

And learning to trust him again . . . what a mountain that will be to climb. He has no idea the impact his affair has made. And then to find out that it wasn't a little fling, that it lasted 1 1/2 years!

Is it possible to say that that was a different time in our lives and this is a new time and where we go from here - will be determined by the rules we use and the respect we give each other?

In KIndness, SBD

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SongBirdandDaisy said:
Is it possible to say that that was a different time in our lives and this is a new time and where we go from here - will be determined by the rules we use and the respect we give each other?

In KIndness, SBD

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That sounds entirely possible, and a good idea. Actions in the present is what results in the future, after all, and it's up to both of you to make it work out.

Very well said, Meander. Thank you.

Songbird ... I'm so sorry to hear you going through all this.

I know how it is as well as I went through this when I was married.

I read a book by Dr. Bonnie Eaker Weil on adultry...and it always happens for a reason. It was a great insight for me and I actually ended up calling her and going to therapy there with (my at the time husband) for 2years.

Your husband doesn't have the right to say no to therapy and getting help if he wants things to work. He did something very wrong and he needs to do everything in his power to make it right with you.

It's his reasponsibility and unfortunately if the situation is making him feel worse of course he'd like it to go away. It's easier for him, but the reality is "his actions" caused the pain. He needs to be less concerned about his feelings at the moment and much more directed towards yours.

My ex wouldn't allow for me to talk about his affair beccause he couldn't handle how it made him feel. If I did ... I'd "pay" for it later with his actions.

He had a wonderful coping mechanism of putting what happened "away". Problem is it's like an elephant in the room and if not dealt with it will definately always be there for you.

Reading that book I mentioned enabled me to see the "why's" in our situation.

It helped me understand a lot.

I wish you the best and I really hope that you can get where you need to be in this situation.

If 2 ppl want to work it out and commit to that ...that's the beginning of going "up" and that therapist said many times an affair is a huge wake up call to opening the door on what the real problems are. Both ppl have to want this and to "work" towards it.

Take care
~E

Eva, thank you for sharing these insights. I have felt so lost and so alone in all of this, but with everyones help here, I see that I am not alone.

I appreciate everyones words and take them all to heart. I don't know where this is all going but at least now I know I am not alone.

Trying to get him to go to therapy is so very difficult. I fear if I keep pushing it, everything will blow up. There are other issues that I am dealing with now also and fear that I will make the wrong decision so I am being very careful. I just want to know that what I do is right.

Sorry, I guess the more I think about it, the worse I feel. Trying to come to terms with my emotions has been nothing short of a roller coaster ride to the moon.