[Yismymindblank12]

I ****ing die and kill for my mother. Not in a psychotic rage illegal way, but as in my mom has me to my dying breath and I still watch out for her. My sister the same my father my best friends. I'd fight everything for them.

I almost had a daughter years ago but even though her life been **** with her mother and my messed up situation. I knew my true parent came out when my focus was on her at that time and it taught me a huge lesson my mother couldn't teach me. How to show give and receive love to and from your child! And respect their opinion and set an example not self destruct and let your son pick up the pieces alone without any parent to guide them.

Why I bring this up? She stole money from me for her gambling addiction her self loathing and lack of motivation is ********. I ****ing hate her doing this she directly hurts me by telling me how horrible I am when all I want is to make her proud.

You know why love is hell for me when dating happens. Yes I have mommy and daddy issues so what? My dad set a great example and my mother except on emotional maturity I out done both of them on that part and they dog me for being crazy and weak, but deep down they know I'm smart damn smart and confident too that I'm not weak.

They had their issues and I don't shame them why should I? I'm a **** up too, but no reason to hate you or disown you. I know I am this way because once my parents are gone all that attention I have is gone that feeling unconditional love gushiness will gone all gone replaced by grief. And I'm better than that but can't my mom see I am! That she doesn't know that money didn't make me not forgive you money is monetary and useless no matter what the price. It was when she turned her back on me when a 4 year old boy like me needed her more than any other time my life was in danger and no adult I could trust or go to except my parents and they denied me and blew me off like I didn't know.

That scar never left me and I still feel betrayed. I was repeatedly beaten raped tortured and mutilated in a small town of sociopathic sheltered white trash kids and their trashed families beating me senseless. I had a gun pointed to my face being told how unlucky I am and no one cared. Hard to believe. I hate talking about it because I sound so fake and ******** and it's not. I had the worst things you could imagine with drug addict parents of friends with heroin, alcohol whatever and people who were so deranged that I was a ****** human being for being raped repeatedly and beaten by their 12 year old son and that I'm a liar and trying to ruin his life. **** I'm 4 to 8 years old at the time why do I care about that. I needed a direction from a mother and father who would save me, but no I found out I get nothing.

That's what I told her yesterday. When I found out she could be in prison for a felony fraud in my account if I wanted to. But I'm not vengeful, I want the weight of her sins to crush her and stop being fake and love me.

That's what my problem is with my mother.

[healingme4me]

Some aren't capable of being what you deserve to have. It's really sucky and probably a result of lack of being nurtured, themselves.

Have you changed whatever account numbers that you need, to prevent her from taking money from you? Are you able to reclaim that?

[llleeelllaaannneee]

Originally Posted by healingme4me

Some aren't capable of being what you deserve to have. It's really sucky and probably a result of lack of being nurtured, themselves.

So true and so sorry those some sound like your parents and the adults from your childhood.
The truth sometimes sounds like fiction. I tend to avoid talking about some of the abuse in my life because I think some part of me thinks people won't believe me. When abuse happens it's insane, it's almost surreal, it's not like what one would think it was like if it's never happened to them... Many here have histories of trauma and abuse and I believe pretty much everyone understands having a reality or parts of reality that are extreme.

I don't think you sound fake.

I wish you some peace of mind.

[Yismymindblank12]

See my mom is equally shunning and loving me battling internal conflict from her own issues over loving her children when they need it the most. See I forgive her because she's aware and remorseful, but I coach her to change the behavior and move forward with positives and you'll shall earn a kingdom. I learned that as a young boy in therapy. She beats herself up for being worthless her parents disowned her and my opinion not my true belief is from word of mouth from my father her parents and herself. She rebelled didn't take no responsibility and let bad things happen to deal with it after it went wrong forcing unnecessary suffering that could of easily been avoided.

My mom brags how she doesn't drink and smoke and a month ago my dad mentioned in full explicit detail it's a lie. All of it, I wasn't surprised but shocked.
Then it hit me, she's a damaged grown up child and I've known this before and it still none of it surprises me, but I thought her half manipulative narcissism side with her damaged child side is all she is and she lacked any emotion to love me.

From what I mentioned to the hell I endured she blamed herself for my rape and beating and mutilation and being held captive as a young boy. She holds it clings to it like it's her badge of shame on her wall of misfortunes. When she didn't rape me my four different perpetrators' did. Yes a few things she had full responsibly to help me and yes it sucks, but she didn't do that. She's a damn good mother and person and ill protect my mother from herself she seemed more obvious she maybe suicidal I'm concerned loosing my mother. She's my last hope and yes this mindset seems a train wreck waiting to happen but I have no other connections to keep me away.

I've worked so hard to change it, but it's not successful at all.
I have had everything taken from me at sine point or another but she's all I got. That's all I can say for that.

[healingme4me]

Is she in counseling?

[Yismymindblank12]

Yeah if you count Gambling Anonymous 12 step group therapy sessions therapy? It seems to help her. She told me yesterday that I don't want to pay for therapy.

[healingme4me]

If she's unwilling to treat her depression, seems like you're adding an extra burden to yourself to mind her emotions, for her. That's a rescuer tendency, no doubt. Trying to protect her, as you'd wanted for yourself?

[Yismymindblank12]

Yes you're right. I think I am coming to a happy medium about the codependency, but finding where the line needs to go.
You're right. Absolutely, but I found it easier to back off and just be there. Nothing more.