Major intimacy issues

Until I was around 22 years old, I craved and needed to feel wanted and loved by somebody else (relationship wise) in order to be okay. It didnt even have to be sexual, just as long as I was attracted to them and knew they cared. If I didnt have someone like that, I felt incomplete, sad, and alone. I guess I was trying to fill some kind of void inside. Friends were limited growing up because I was bullied by peers and my parents, which made me distant and shy as I got into high school. Humiliated almost on a daily basis.

Now, at 25, ive had two serious relationships that were both abusive and both ended with me getting hurt. The very last person that I trusted was when I was 21 and that person ended up breaking my trust and using me in the end. Ever sense then, I have completely cut myself off from connections such as relationships, friendships, and even family. The moment that I start to feel a spark of intimacy with anyone, I distance myself. I have different reasons why I become distant for each type of connection.

For relationships: I've been completely avoiding them for the last few years because im afraid to be hurt again. I dont even have any desire to love and be loved by another. I stay away from it because if I dont develop a connection, I wont have to go through that pain of letting go.

Friendships: I can develop surface level friendships but that's really all im comfortable with and all I know how to give. Im afraid that if I show my true colors and personality, I will be rejected and exposed as imperfect. When I was a kid, trying to make friends at school, most of them rejected and degraded me so I eventually just did everyone a favor and shut myself away. Guys didnt like me and everyone told me that I was ugly, stupid, and worthless pretty much. My mom even called me stupid all of the time and was hardly ever on my side. But whatever, **** it.

Family: Very uncomfortable being intimate with my family members. It's almost like I dont know HOW to be close to them. I can only have deep, meaningful conversations with them if im drunk. Maybe im afraid of being made fun of for looking vulnerable? I was very angry as a child toward my parents when they would hit me and scream in my face and I was never allowed to express my anger so I bottled it up. Maybe that's why I can't get close to my mom and dad even though they try. It just feel's unfamiliar and awkward every time I even have a meaningful conversation and I dont like it. Its funny because I would feel very comfortable with that type of intimacy from a different set of parents.

Basically when I start to feel a deeper connection with someone, I feel like I need to pull away quick before they see how flawed and uncool I really am. The only person I can be completely open with is my grandma. She's the one person who has never rejected, judged, hit, screamed at, or even really punished me. She was on my side %100 as a child and showed me affection like a mother would. Im so afraid of losing her that I could have a complete break down just thinking or talking about her dying.

Can anyone else relate to this? Did you overcome it? Do you think that I can eventually be comfortable with people on a deeper level if I develop the right tools? Feel's like I have a wall up which keep's me safe. But being this safe is starting to make me feel lonely and I WANT to have real and lasting connections with people. I just dont know how.

You need to learn how. You'll never figure it out, just sitting around thinking about it. I have a similar tendency to withdraw, and I force myself to engage with people more than I'm really comfortable doing.

The main thing to remember is that you don't know people, until you know them, and that takes time. In the early stages of being around anyone, admit to yourself that you really don't know what they are about deep down inside. Some of the worst creeps can seem likeable and just fine, until you have been dealing with them for awhile. And vice versa. Some people who don't seem very impressive, initially, can wind up showing themselves to be caring and dependable. Plus, once in a while, rotten people do some nice things. And good people, occasionally, aren't at their best. Don't come to big conclusions about people based on a little knowlege about them.

The main thing I've learned is don't think you know someone, until you do. That usually takes longer than we expect it to.

In your case, you know your parents and they treated you pretty bad. That's who they are . . . and they are not likely to change. A person's basic nature forms early in life and, once it forms, it's not likely to change a whole lot.

I read in threads about how people have been badly hurt by someone who was really mean to them, and they're hoping for an apology and for "healing" and a chance to have a good relationship in the future with the person. What a waste of time, IMHO. Time to cut your losses and move on. I'ld say: Be pleasant as you can be to everybody, but trust no one who hasn't given you a solid reason to invest your trust.

Thanks for responding, Rose. Im not actually judging other people at all. Im judging myself because im insecure. I always try to see the good in people and I forgive easily. The reason I cant develop a connection is because im afraid of their rejection. It's to the point that I wont even leave the house.

It's confusing because my parents are almost completely different people than they were when I was a kid as far as their behavior. But that might just be because they can't tell me what to do anymore so there are less fights. They expect me to be so involved and close to them now. And I really try to forgive them but it's hard because every time I think of the past, I get infuriated. I love them but the problem is that I feel uncomfortable showing it. That's how it is with all of my family members.

I dont expect an apology from anyone who has hurt me including my parents and im not looking for one. The only thing I want is to know how to be able to connect on a deeper level without the fear.

I agree with you about not trusting anyone until they give me a reason to invest my time. That's what ive been doing and I feel a lot safer. But I do want to have close friends and be a little closer to my family. But I dont know how or why I keep running away.

People get cautious when they've been burned. Maybe your parents' behavior is more constrained, but I seriously doubt that deep down they aren't the same people. Plan to spend less time with them and more of that time exploring other people. That's where your future lies. Nice that you don't bear ill will toward your parents, but their most important presence in your life belongs to your past. Move on.

Stay in the house and what is there to look forward to? Step out and roll the dice? You'll win some and lose some. Rejection hurts, but it doesn't have to be lethal. You're not going to be everyone's cup of tea. If you strike up a connection and it fizzles out, you're no worse off than you were before.

I get that you're not trying to judge people. Actually, that's something you should do and will do. When you've been hopeful about a friendship in the past, you've judged that there was some basis for expecting good things to come of the connection. Then you got disappointed. So lower the expectations, telling yourself you don't really know the person in the beginning.

The more people you interact with, the better the odds are that you might bump into people you can click with. I'm not socially confident, so I feel best in a situation where I'm doing something organized with others. Work can be kind of satisfying for that reason. Find other venues where there is an organized activity, like classes or clubs. Could be bird-watching, taking a guided tour through an interesting part of a nearby town, art class . . . things that don't cost a lot.

You may say you look for the good in people (and I believe you) but look at what you fear. When I fear that people are going to cruelly reject me, I am really saying that I am actually inclined to think that other people are likely to be cruel. So I've really already made a judgement about them - and a pretty negative one at that. That's coming from the cruel treatment you got at home as a child. You are judging that people you don't know are likely to be mean.

There are mean people out there for sure (read the crime stories in the paper.) But you aren't the only nice person. There's lots of people a lot like you out there. You just don't know who's who. You can't . . . not till you try them out.

If you work, you have limited time to do other things. I know it's hard. Try to join up with some organization that does good things. Such a group attracts good people. Volunteer at the local animal shelter. Even if the humans there are slow to warm up to you, the puppies will be so glad to see you. Make a commitment to stick with it for 6 months no matter what. Tell yourself you can throw in the towel after 6 months, but not before. Take a chance.