[betenoire19]

My mental illness is damaging many aspects of my life, especially my relationships. I don't know how much of it is MI, or if it's just me. How do I unlearn a lifetime of dysfunction and defense mechanisms that are a result of my unstable upbringing?

BG: I am 34 and have lived with major depression and anxiety since I was a child; diagnosed in adulthood with borderline personality disorder, PTSD, bipolar II and dependent disorder. My father was paranoid schizophrenic, my home life was chaotic and tumultuous, I was severely bullied mostly by boys, was raped twice. As a teenager and young adult, I sought attention from the wrong sort of men to fill the void. It's been an endless cycle of abuse, and I want to break it for the sake of my own family. I am an extremely sensitive person, I have problems with controlling my emotions and impulses.

I have been with my bf for 6 years and we have a 2.5 year old together. He also has 2 adult children from his previous marriage. I don't want to be that angry, sad mom/partner that my family has to walk on eggshells around.

I have done a lot of work on myself over the years. Therapy, research, an endless string of medications, hospitalizations. Everything will be going great, but then every month, right before my period, I have some sort of explosive episode that damages the quality of my relationship with my bf. I know I need to take responsibility for my actions and can't just blame the fact that I have an illness, but I feel I have no control over myself.

I wonder if it's even possible to have a functioning, healthy romantic relationship with MI involved. I want love and a happy family more than anything else, but I'm not sure I'm capable of loving. My heart is huge, but my mind is distorted and confused.

[healingme4me]

By zeroing in on a specific time frame, is a big step. That is a time when your body, is indeed, going through something. Being exhausted is part of the trigger, could be? Can you use a calendar and with the help of your significant other and therapist, key in on what exactly is creating a lapse in emotional calm?

[llleeelllaaannneee]

I have PMDD. I knew my period was an issue for years and would keep track of my cycle to remind myself not to take whatever my thoughts and emotions were too seriously for a couple of days.

I started taking continuous birth control so that I didn't have a period and my life became far more manageable. Anytime I've had a major relapse it happened with my period. Everytime I've ended up in a mental health facility I've been on my period. It's amazing how much the hormones hijack my system!!!

I never wanted to take birth control/hormones but it's probably saved my life.

Another thing that helps is B vitamins (I take a B complex everyday) and vitex (aka chasteberry). There's some controversy over vitex, some believe it is too strong and can alter hormones too much so I only take one in the morning and take a break for a few days here and there.

Vitex and B 6 have been prescribed by doctors in other European countries for years for PMS.

Unfortunately, doctors have generally not addressed this issue. My psychiatrist all generally ignored me when I mentioned it (one responded by saying women's health has been too neglected, atleast acknowledging PMS). However, as soon as the DSM listed PMDD my pdoc asked me to keep a mood chart to establish "if" I had it (duh) and told me to go to my GP to get my hormones checked (there is no test but GP said birth control was an option and I asked for continuous).

Good luck. PMDD is real and vicious but doesn't have to dictate your well being!

[betenoire19]

Originally Posted by llleeelllaaannneee

I have PMDD. I knew my period was an issue for years and would keep track of my cycle to remind myself not to take whatever my thoughts and emotions were too seriously for a couple of days.

I started taking continuous birth control so that I didn't have a period and my life became far more manageable. Anytime I've had a major relapse it happened with my period. Everytime I've ended up in a mental health facility I've been on my period. It's amazing how much the hormones hijack my system!!!

I never wanted to take birth control/hormones but it's probably saved my life.

Another thing that helps is B vitamins (I take a B complex everyday) and vitex (aka chasteberry). There's some controversy over vitex, some believe it is too strong and can alter hormones too much so I only take one in the morning and take a break for a few days here and there.

Vitex and B 6 have been prescribed by doctors in other European countries for years for PMS.

Unfortunately, doctors have generally not addressed this issue. My psychiatrist all generally ignored me when I mentioned it (one responded by saying women's health has been too neglected, atleast acknowledging PMS). However, as soon as the DSM listed PMDD my pdoc asked me to keep a mood chart to establish "if" I had it (duh) and told me to go to my GP to get my hormones checked (there is no test but GP said birth control was an option and I asked for continuous).

Good luck. PMDD is real and vicious but doesn't have to dictate your well being!

I will give that a try (continuous birth control) and talk to my doctor about it. I don't know if I'd be diagnosed with PMDD because I do have depression every day of the month; it just worsens a few days before my period. I just think I am very sensitive due to hormones, and my emotions spiral out of control even more so around that time. I'm in the need of finding a new BC anyway, so I will see what my options are.

Thank you for your post and advice. It's frightening to feel like I have so little control over myself. And I always know when it's coming...the irritability and tears and sensitivity. Like I said, it's there all the time, but just boils over the surface every month. Arguments always ensue, and it's a destructive cycle taking over my family.

[betenoire19]

Originally Posted by healingme4me

By zeroing in on a specific time frame, is a big step. That is a time when your body, is indeed, going through something. Being exhausted is part of the trigger, could be? Can you use a calendar and with the help of your significant other and therapist, key in on what exactly is creating a lapse in emotional calm?

I could use a calendar to chart my moods -- thanks for the suggestion. It's always like clockwork; it's so predictable and inevitable. I just want to be able to put a stop to it and get some control over myself.

[avlady]

i had the same thing, had an operation to stop my periods as they were so bad, and havn't had one in 5 years along with it taking away all the hormonal problems too. good luck

[llleeelllaaannneee]

Originally Posted by avlady

i had the same thing, had an operation to stop my periods as they were so bad, and havn't had one in 5 years along with it taking away all the hormonal problems too. good luck

I've often wondered about this and tried to find info online but It was mostly a dead end. Occasionally I stop the bc because there are some issues with it (side effects like constant bloating and more back aches). I'm hoping the b vitamins and vitex will be enough but really I need to see a specialist. My insurance changes soon and should be a lot better so better medical help *should* be in my future.

The more I read about the hormones the more it seems really complicated. Any suggestions for things to read about dealing with severe PMS or a more permanent/stronger solution than bc would be super appreciated!