New romantic relationship, but we have different long term goals

Hi,

I have some questions relating to a new romantic relationship. I met this particular lady through an online dating website, a few months ago. She has a very nice personality. She is very calm and easy going. We have had such a lot of fun since we met, going out to different places. I'm very bad at small talk, and can really only engage in conversations about deeper topics. We don't tend to have the latter but we have good chemistry and can very comfortably be silent from time-to-time. I consider this to be a very positive thing. The lady is also kind and I think we are quite deeply in love. We recently began to talk about the future. I think it is important to understand each others goals and priorities. My observations of others tell me that those goals/priorities need be fairly similar. Anyway, in the process, of having this discussion, I learned that my girlfriend wants to have children within the next couple of years. My initial feeling wass that this is not something that I want. But it is very important to her and not something she would want to compromise on. I want to make her happy. So essentially I have to chose whether to continue with the relationship, and change my long term plans, or let her fund someone who does want children. It's a very difficult choice. Part of me likes the idea of being a dad. But the rest of me is very scared. I feel that I am just beginning to gain control of my life. My experience of family life was not positive. My parental family is toxic. When my sister was born this exposed a lot of deep divisions in the relationship between my mum and dad. There is a lot I could say about this, but I'm trying to keep the post reasonably concise. Anyway,I'm afraid to take such a huge and life changing step in case history repeats itself. I see one possible area where divisions could arrise between myself and this lady, namely my commitment to my career. I've spent a lot of time getting educated and developing my career. This is an area where we are a bit different. I fear that, in time ,she would resent the time I spend on my work. It is not a prioritiy we share. If I feel overly restricted I would probably feel unhappy. I don't want to lose my hard won freedom. But at the same time I'd love to have a meaningful and fulfilling relationship. I guess my priorities might be different to hers. I want to focus on my partner and on spending happy times together. I'd like to work towards establishing a degree of financial independence. These goals seem at odds with having a child. I think that I am clear what I want. But I have a lot of doubts. I always have doubts when entering into a new relationship. Essentially those doubts stem from my dread of not being accepted for who I am, and of losing my independence. I also feel that I've become so used to subjugating my needs that I often don't know clearly where my boundaries are or what I can and cannot conceed. I fully understand that changes are part and parcel of entering a relationship. I'm very willing to compromise and I'm very familiar with doing so. But I don't want to drift into anotyher relationship where I give up on everything I want. I would really appreciate some advice on how to navigate this kind of situation. I find myself perpetually returning to this same place, just with different people involved.

How much do you like children?

Since these issues have come up in the past and you find yourself perpetually in the same place, I wonder ifvyou have or would speak to a therapist about them.

If you don't want children it is fair to look for partners who also don't want children please do not lead this lady on. I know you aren't doing it intentionally but if you know for sure what you want you need to act on it. Also please put it in profile that you dont want children so women who do want them don't respond . Good luck

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Thanks very much for these helpful replies. I certainly need to get some therapy. I've been planning to do that for a while now. But the time has quite been right. I think that I need to make a decision about this quite rapidly (within a matter or a few weeks) so I won't have time to resolve my issues first. I totally agree, it's very important not to lead people on. Actually, it was me who raised the topic of conversation. I realise that I haven't explained myself clearly. The fact is I'm not completely sure whether or not I want children and that's what I wrote in my profile. I can see strong arguments both for and against. My parental background showed me what can go wrong and lots of the drawbacks. But I know there are many positives and I can see that I would enjoy raising a child and have things to offer. Part of me feels that, whilst it wouldn't be easy, it would be rewarding and that to not have children would mean missing out on those experiences. This lady has such a nice personality, so in that respect, if it's going to work with anyone, it would be with her. I think I'm wondering how I can be sure to avoid the compatibility problems that my parents had. How compatible do you need to be and in what areas? My mum was so unhappy for so many years, or that's how it seemed. I'm not sure if I really don't want children or if this is just a fear based on my past background that will go away after therapy. If I can't be sure what I really want and what is right in this situation, I will let her find someone who is sure. I feel very guilty for having these doubts, probably that will sound odd. I sometimes think that if this relationship is right I shouldn't have any doubts, not at this early stage. Maybe I have unrealistic expectations, again, I don't know if that's true.

This is the main thing, in my opinion. Therapy isn't needed to have this realization.

Therapy can help, and it would be over time, in addressing the vestiges of your upbringing that might disrupt the practical aspects of raising children. But it seems that you do have time for therapy to help with that, seeing as it will in fact take some time to actually have children to raise. And please keep in mind that it is not only children who grow and mature; their parents can as well.

Well this is a broad question and might merit its own thread. My thoughts are that compatibility is useful first in the sense that you just like to be with one another, you enjoy each other's presence. Second, it is useful in being able to articulate compatible visions for how children are to raised. Recall that compatible is not the same as identical.

This strikes me as an unrealistic expectation, as you mentioned. There is little certainty in life, and here you have just been with her a few months. You are just beginning to grapple seriously with these questions with her in mind. I think it is okay to have some doubts at the moment, and to discuss things honestly with this woman with whom, you say, childrearing would work if it is going to work with anyone. I think that doubts will lessen over time, as the right decision, whatever it may be, becomes clearer to you through discussion and reflection.

I see timing issues here. You say that your girlfriend wants children within the next couple of years. To me that means that you would pretty much start trying to have children at whatever point you became a committed couple or got married or whatever you decided to do to cement your bond.

That is very different from planning to spend, say, 5 or so years together before having children.

Keep in mind that I don't know your ages, and I don't know what sort of career you have or what kind of time or travel demands it has.

Would some sort of couples counseling be possible for the two of you to help you to explore if your goals are compatible?

If you really aren't wanting children in the near future then be honest with her. If she is set that she wants to start a family then I doubt she will want to shelve that idea. I know I wanted to have a child in my early to mid 20's my husband and I both were on the same page.

It's fine for you to want to dedicate time into your carreer. Nothing wrong with it.

Thanks to everyone for these really valuble replies. I will reflect further on this and try to reach a firm decision. In the longer term therapy will help. I think that an important point was also raised about timing and generally how having a baby would fit with my current lifestyle etc.. I also did a web search on the topic of "not sure if I want a baby". That brigs up a few pages (especially a wikihow page) that others might find helpful too.