[Sarbear10101]

hi there,

My wonderful boyfriend and I have been dating for almost 6 months now. We are great together and are planning a future. Although I struggle with some of my own issues with anxiety and trust (acoa related I believe) I can honestly say that I trust him completely. I know that he is madly in love with me and gives me literally NO reason to think otherwise.

That being said about a month before we met he had sex with a co-worker of his. Obviously he met me and we have been full boar since that day, so it's not like I'm concerned he has something on the side with her.... But he does keep bringing her into conversation when I just want him to not speak of it so it can "go away" in a sense. They still work together everyday and obviously it's sickening to think they once saw each other's "parts". Examples where he will bring her up: "I saw on Facebook she was at (the bar next to my place that we thought about going to on a particular night)" .... And I care why? Isn't it weird that you know where she is...? (He has since deleted her as a friend). He pointed out someone her husband cheated on her with another time (again... I care why...? You care why....?). Most recently I stopped in at his store and he later had to tell me how she said I was so pretty and she loved my hair... Yada yada yada. Yes I'm pretty and have great hair.... Why should I care what she thinks...? Do you care...? It seems like he's trying to "sell" her to me and I just don't understand. When I try to bring it up he gets annoyed- thinking I don't trust him or "keep bringing it up". I just wish he could hold me and lovingly explain why HE keeps bringing her to the surface but he just gets defensive so I'm scared to talk about it.

The past few days he has jokingly make reference to his position at work "you'd better listen to me, I'm a manager..." thinking he's being coy while meanwhile my stomach turns thinking of who he really manages at work. He also hosts a Xmas party every year for his co-workers (which is where the deed took place last year) and I can't help but wonder and be horrified at the thought of her being there this year. How would I ever stomach that...?

Everything else is so good I just want this to go away. We are planning to move in together this fall and this is the absolute only thing "wrong" with him that I can find. It makes me despise his job and I think that's a pretty vital part of giving him the respect that he deserves.

Am I crazy??? Please help.

[Trippin2.0]

You are not crazy, why he's trying so hard to "sell her" to you is anyone's guess.


Maybe he wants to normalize her so you're comfortable with him being around her daily?


Idk


If it were me I would not enjoy being in your shoes either.

Maybe tell him you'd prefer to live as if she didn't exist. No more talking about her, case closed.


It's what I would do.


And anytime after that my response would be "and I care because?..."


Then I would leave the room, rinse and repeat till he gets the message.

[CopperStar]

When someone really cares about you, they act like it, and this also includes caring about your feelings.

If he knows (and he does, trust me) that it makes you feel uneasy, anxious, insecure, jealous, etc when he frequently mentions it, and he does it anyway, not only does that mean he doesn't care about your feelings, but it also means he is getting a kick out of making you anxious and jealous.

He's playing games. This is a red flag that you are getting early in the relationship. Your choice on whether or not you choose to put up with it.

[Sarbear10101]

Originally Posted by Trippin2.0

You are not crazy, why he's trying so hard to "sell her" to you is anyone's guess.


Maybe he wants to normalize her so you're comfortable with him being around her daily?


Idk


If it were me I would not enjoy being in your shoes either.

Maybe tell him you'd prefer to live as if she didn't exist. No more talking about her, case closed.


It's what I would do.


And anytime after that my response would be "and I care because?..."


Then I would leave the room, rinse and repeat till he gets the message.

Thanks for your response. When I talked to my counselor about it she thought he was trying to "fix" things like men often do. Our last conversation (following her sucking up comments) was after a few too many cocktails so all I remember is him getting pouty that I brought it up. Confusing how it's ok for him to mention it out of the blue but for me to want to work through it and talk about it so we can lay it to rest is out of the question :-/

[Sarbear10101]

Originally Posted by CopperStar

When someone really cares about you, they act like it, and this also includes caring about your feelings.

If he knows (and he does, trust me) that it makes you feel uneasy, anxious, insecure, jealous, etc when he frequently mentions it, and he does it anyway, not only does that mean he doesn't care about your feelings, but it also means he is getting a kick out of making you anxious and jealous.

He's playing games. This is a red flag that you are getting early in the relationship. Your choice on whether or not you choose to put up with it.

Hmm.... Thanks for your response and input. I do think sometimes it's a bit innate for all of us to want to make the other person a little bit jealous to get reassurance they care about us.... I'm not entirely sold on the red flag theory.

I'm not sure how her kissing up comments would've made me jealous-- I do think he meant well and just has no idea what I need from him in this regard.

The biggest problem I see is the topic seems to be completely off limits for me to bring up. Even if he meant no harm it still makes me wonder why he insists on making the situation palatable for me (which will NEVER happen.... There is a reason women don't pass around boyfriends).... But for me to ask for that reassurance is somehow out of the question..... ?!?