I can't let anyone care for me

I'm pretty much worthless and a waste of space anyway, but there are people who are just kind to everyone, they have no standards at all. No one would actually choose to care about me, but if someone had that blanket caring thing going on, I can't let them.

I disappoint everyone. No matter what they think about me, I always end up slighting someone somehow. I have no right to hurt someone like that, even if it's a tiny minor hurt. I'm not worthy of hurting someone. Proof - no matter how small, as soon as I'm not perfectly aligned to whatever image they have of me, I'm dropped.

So I can't let someone care because I know, always, how it will end. With them disappointed and hurt by me. I'm so guilty for that, I blame myself endlessly for it, can't let it go, and can't live with myself.

I have a new therapist who said her biggest problem with me is my complete lack of hope. I want to quit her right now. She's very stoic, but still, if there's something about me that bothers her, even though it's her job to deal with it and to be compassionate, I have no right to do that to anyone. I will infect her with my hopelessness, because she will become hopeless that she can ever help me.

That's my therapist, forget other people. I've been accused of "pushing people away," which I don't think is accurate or fair, because I only leave people when they become abusive to me, and I can take a lot of ****.

It is true that I don't let myself become "collected." I saw a librarian yesterday, who for some reason likes to talk to me. She grinned at me across the room and gave me a huge exaggerated wave. I waved back and turned away from her. I haven't disappointed her yet - but I will if I talk to her - so better that way.

I wish I could wear a badge so people would know. Once someone gets to know me, I'm dropped, 100% of the time. People who are nice to everyone, they need some sort of warning system so they don't waste their time on someone like me. They don't need to have me make them feel bad, and then feel bad again when they have to cut ties.

To be a decent person, I have to protect other people from me, so I can't let anyone care for me. I have to be away, and stay away, and stuff how painful that is. I'm not eligible for anything remotely resembling a normal interaction with anyone. I have a terrible essence underneath it all that I can't overcome, that has nothing to do with me, it's just there. I will hurt people, all people, and because every other person, all of them, are more important and valid than I am, I have to shelter them from me.

Hate yourself much?

Maybe you're the one who's been hurt and have chosen to isolate yourself to avoid feeling that way again? A reject others before they can reject you kind of thing?

If you haven't already done so, consider mentioning this "terrible essense... that has nothing to do with me" to your new therapist.

I don't think it's unusual for people to come and go from each other's lives. Life is fluid and peoples circumstances and interests change. I've found very few relationships last a long time, and even the nature of those few change over time.

I am avoidant - yes, my self-esteem is in the toilet due to chronic emotional child abuse.

What steps are you taking to address what occurred in your childhood? What steps do you take in an attempt to combat the negative self talk that resulted from an abusive childhood?

an abusive childhood could cause this i agree, but you need to learn new coping skills, and stupid of me to say because its obvious, learn to love yourself. i myself need to do the same thing. i find it hard to show my true self to others because i'm afraid they won't like what they see. i am learning to love myself and its gets easier the more i open up. good luck

Can't be done. Once you have a PD, you have a PD. You learn to manage it, can't cure it. My coping skills are pretty sad and pathetic. Basically it's massive radical acceptance. This is. Yes it hurts. Deal with the pain. It's always there, but sometimes worse than others, so even if it's really bad, I just have to know that eventually it will get better.

That's not entirely true. BPD is recoverable and there's research showing promise that other PD's are recoverable. It's not a lifetime sentence, so to speak...
http://psychcentral.com/news/2014/02...ers/65726.html

Hey Hpocus, I found this article maybe it will resonate with you:

Why people respond negatively to being loved

It mostly refers to couples but could also apply to any affectionate bond/communication.

Thanks for the articles.
You're right - I was painting with too broad a brush about PD's. BPD is by far the most treatable, and AvPD the least. Ironically, the thing that works best is to have a stable loving healthy relationship. Which is impossible...

A healthy relationship is not impossible.

I like this definition - A healthy relationship is one where two independent people make a deal that they will help make the other person the best version of themselves.

Of course, that includes holding up our side of the deal. One thing that helps me do that is to look at another person and think "I wish you happiness" and that causes me to act in a kind, thoughtful and/or loving way.

So I was thinking about the hopeless thing earlier @hpocus. This really helped me when I learned it... You literally cannot hold a bad thought and a good thought in your head simultaneously. Seriously. Try it. Think of something that makes you feel bad. Now think of something that makes you feel good. Now try to think both at the exact same time, in the exact same minute. You can't! One follows the other. always.