[Time for a Change]

I’m not sure if I’m being over sensitive so I’m putting it out there and asking what others think?

My sister and I both lived interstate until I moved recently. Whenever my sister visits, she stays with my mother and also has the free use of my mother’s car. At times my mother has accommodated my sister’s extended family who may be visiting at the same time or when they’ve travelled on their own. On occasions, my mother has also accommodated my sister’s friends.

Whenever I visited, I used to stay with my daughter who lives in the same state as my mother. However two years ago my daughter stopped talking to me due to mental health problems as well as a possible drug addiction. Prior to this, we used to have a really close relationship.

The past two years have been tough and my partner and I travelled frequently to visit to try and establish communication with my daughter without much success.

My mother, although aware of my daughter’s problems has never made the same offer of accommodation or use of her car to me. She knew advance dates of our arrival and that we were staying in a motel just 5 minutes’ drive away but never said a thing.

My mother was often too busy to see me if any other family members were visiting, including on one occasion her ex-daughter in law. I frequently changed my plans to fit in with hers. Sometimes she would even comment that we can always catch up next time.

It was quite expensive with airfares, accommodation and hire car costs so at the start of this year we moved nearby to be closer to my daughter. So far there hasn’t been much improvement with communication with my daughter.

With the move, I thought I may see more of my mother but whenever I’ve suggested anything she’s always declined even when she’s known I’ve been in her area. So at the risk of feeling any further rejection, I kept the visits for special occasions, like her birthday, Mother’s day, Easter etc.

Yesterday, my mother commented that she has seen very little of me since I’ve moved.

So I tried to discuss my feelings with her including my feelings of exclusion.

She got angry and denied anything. She said that the accommodation offer was always there and said I was over-reacting and just pitying myself. She said I was the one with the issues and then insinuated that maybe I was even the issue with my own daughter not talking to me!

I left feeling very upset and nothing resolved. Over the years, I’ve tried to shrug it off but underneath I just can’t help feeling so hurt by my mother’s actions and comments. I have other siblings but we are not a close family. There’s been very little support from anyone in my family when I’ve needed it.

I know my mother would not have treated my sister in the same way. Although there are no feelings of jealousy, I’ve always felt a little on the outer and that I am the least favourite. Most times when I see my mother, she has this habit of comparing me with others or if someone else is around she almost ignores me so then I leave with a deflated ego and feelings of why did I bother anyway?

Would like to get some feedback on what others think? Should I be feeling upset about how I’m treated or am I being overly sensitive and over-reacting?

[healingme4me]

Seems like valid reasons for feeling the way that you do. It's unfortunate that your mom can't entertain a conversation that is tough without resorting to turning the tables and pointing out your [perceived] flaws.
Have you read much about toxic families and similar lines of topics? Are you seeking therapy to help yourself cope with the loss of your relationship with your own daughter?

[Rose76]

It's pretty darn upsetting to feel that your mother doesn't like you very much. So, no, I don't think you are being over sensitive. But I don't think there's a lot you can do about the distance between you and your mother. There may not be a lot you can do about the distance between you and your daughter either. I'ld advise you to build your life around your relationship with your partner. Any thoughts of marrying this lady?

It would be appropriate to, now and then, make an overture toward getting together with mum or daughter. That's about all you can do. It's entirely possible that your mother does like your sister more than she likes you. My mother did not care much for my brother, and didn't overly encourage him to come around. Once, when he stopped by, she even encouraged him to leave as she was expecting other family guests for dinner. She told him she didn't have enough food to ask him and his girlfriend to stay. That was baloney, my mother always cooked plenty. She just didn't want to be bothered with him, while she was socializing with her other guests. It broke my heart to even hear about that incident. I felt so bad for my brother. It was something I couln't fix.

Build relationships with people who really want to spend time with you. Make the obligatory courtesy calls to family, and keep your expectations low. My parents wouldn't let me drive their vehicles, either, though they did let one of my sisters. Sometimes, that's just how it is.