[always.52]

Hi, I wasn’t really sure where to post this but I hope this is ok.
My ex recently broke up with me and I would appreciate some advice...

We were together for 4 years, he broke up with me whilst I had to study abroad for three months. When I got back he started talking to me again and we got back together. You could say we had two honeymoon periods and both times these we great. We got on so well and he made me feel special and vice versa. Now I know the honeymoon period is not meant to last forever...but both times he drastically changed once we had been together for a while... I saw the red flags but I suppose I always hoped he would go back to being the person he was at the start. These are a few things I noticed:


1. He had no emotions. Nothing ever bothered him. He was never overly happy, excited for anything, nothing made him sad, anxious or stressed. He was just always the same. He didn’t want to do anything exciting or break out of his comfort zone.

2. He had a lot of friends, but none that were on a deeper friendship level.

3. He couldn’t emphasise with situations in which I or anyone else felt sad. When my cats died I was so upset but he did nothing to try and comfort me. I was unemployed for a while and it’s like he couldn’t provide emotional support or understand why this would affect me.

4. I couldn’t discuss anything with him about our relationship. No matter how calmly I went about it. He would always end up blaming me, saying I had started another argument when all I wanted to do was talk and find a solution. This would make me angry and upset and maybe I did slam doors, which he would also turn on me. I have never been an angry person in my life, but this relationship was starting to make me think I had issues. I have never behaved like this in my life and to everyone else that knows me I am very calm.

5. When I cried he said it didn’t bother him because I was always upset even though this wasn’t true.

6. He struggled to maintain eye contact. I told him so many times that I felt it was disrespectful and he still did it. Even when we broke up he couldn’t look at me.

7. He made me feel like I was crazy. In his words “BBC” which stood for “*****es be crazy” Which I found so insulting. If he knew I had my period he would say “Oh no wonder you’re acting like this” or “I knew this would be a bad week”. I ended up going to the doctors convinced I had problems.

8. He didn’t do birthdays, mothers day or fathers day. Whenever we were at his house he barely spoke, only when people spoke to him. He never showed them or any of his family any affection.

9. He said I love you but his words didn’t match his actions. He told me he shouldn’t have to show affection and that I should know he loves me.

10. He had a limited vocabulary and when discussing something about our relationship he would only answer “Ok” and then “Ok Emilie” in the most patronising of ways. He would constantly tell me to go away and leave him alone after upsetting me which just made things worse for me.

11. He made me believe I was insecure and had jealousy problems. But when I explained the situation to my friends, they saw it exactly the same as me. My boyfriend had a lot of female friends and liked to take them out for meals one on one. He even brought one of them a Pandora bracelet. He made me believe I was stupid for not thinking this was normal. He never felt jealous and said I could do what I wanted.

12. He was constantly on his phone and when I would jokingly ask him to get off it for 5 minutes he would tell me to chill out when I was absolutely fine and that it was a joke.

13. I recently noticed that he enjoyed being in powerful situations. He liked jobs in which he was powerful. He only liked going out on student nights when everyone would know him (due to his job). He didn’t enjoy going out any other time because no one would know who he was.

I could go on forever. I do take some responsibility and believe I could have dealt with situations better and i admitted that and tried to change for the better but sometimes I felt so trapped. Please help me, am I crazy? Do you think I need help?

[elevatedsoul]

i dont think you're crazy
he sounds like he wasnt very involved in the relationship

[Frankbtl]

Hi always,

"I could go on forever. I do take some responsibility and believe I could have dealt with situations better and i admitted that and tried to change for the better but sometimes I felt so trapped. Please help me, am I crazy? Do you think I need help"
YOU tried to change for the better????!!!!!! Sounds like HE had a lot of changing to do!!!!!
A lot more than I imagine you needed to.
But how do you need to change.........??? Well you haven't really given me anything in there to go with, about the relationship............and even if you had then I'd still say it doesn't matter, it can only be harmful to you being in a relationship with someone like that so GOOD it's over!!!
Please do not try to get him back.
And the bigger changes you may need to make/the help you may need...........well they/that probably center around not allowing anyone to treat you like that in future relationships, demanding/expecting more in relationships or/and walking away if that isn't going to happen.
But I don't know, do some of those problems come from low self-esteem, just wanting to be with someone, from watching other people being treated like/accepting that/"normalising it"????
Perhaps finding the roots of why you stuck with him and addressing them, will help you in not finding yourself in that kind of situation/relationship again, or maybe just reminding yourself over and over that you deserve so much more from a relationship/partner than that.
And now..........don't know if you're ready yet...........but try to celebrate the ending of the relationship and do something good/nice for yourself- sounds like there wasn't that much of that in the relationship!!!



Alison

[Trippin2.0]

Sounds like you were dating cold hard concrete... That would drive anyone bonkers.


Slam doors? I would probably throw chairs from the frustration that would elicit!


And no, you don't any need help, well not apart from what Alison mentioned above. You need to learn your worth and recognize PLUS be ok with walking away from hopeless situations...

[divine1966]

He sounds like not worth your time. Be glad you are out. He sounds like a loser. Good luck

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[ZoomJ]

You are not the crazy one. All of your points are waving red flags to his problems. Having NO CONTACT with your ex might be the first step to healing your self esteem which sounds like he has done a good job at trashing. Get out, stay out and be well.

[always.52]

Thank you everyone for your responses, it means a lot to me.

It was a really hard few years and I guess I had been blaming myself for so long. Its only now that I'm not in the relationship that I've had a chance to reflect on everything and realise how unhealthy our relationship actually was.

I stayed because I wasn't strong enough to walk away, I had him on a pedestal and I thought I could never do any better. When I say I tried to work on myself, I would get myself very worked up, angry and upset in these situations whilst he was very calm. Looking back I was only like this in reaction to him...

In June we moved to a new city for his job, I left my job for him. I know this was a totally ridiculous thing to do but at the time I thought it was right. I was in the new city for a month before he ended things with me. I just don't understand how a person can let someone leave a job, spend their own money on the move and then dump them 4 weeks later.

I'm taking some time out for myself now! My confidence has taken a beating and I need to build it back up and give myself a bit of love!
For some reason I feel this huge weight off my shoulders!

[Sesiley]

You have boundaries in your relationship and he has went overboard. That's not love. It doesn't look healthy for you at all. Not a healthy relationship.

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