[divine1966]

I am in a new relationship and we are pretty close emotionally. We have been sharing much personal info that makes us very vulnerable but we both handling it well. We are very similar in emotional sense.

On few occasions we made an attempt to share about childhood and upbringing. It's very important for us to understand each other upbringing as it effected our past relationships tremendously and we don't want it to negatively effect our relationship

The situation is that his parents both passed away so whatever he shares isn't going to effect much beyond me understanding him better.

Mine on the other hand are alive and well. My parents are decent people on the surface but are the source of much of my life long bad choices with men. Some emotional abuse and some bad relationship model (they don't have s good marriage) and lack of emotional closeness etc plus my dad is very difficult etc I don't hold grudges and am ok with my parents but it is undeniable truth how much I am negatively effected by my childhood

The thing is if we stay together I don't want him to have bad thoughts of my parents if I share. One day he'll meet them and wears he high to think? Yet if I don't, then he won't understand much of my life. Also if we hide the truth we won't be ourselves with each other and won't be truly vulnerable.

Hiding my deep fears and my pain is a very common thing for me and I don't want to be emotionally unavailable with my new bf

So I have this dilemma. Any advice or any suggestions? I am also going to ask my t

Btw my ex of many years refused to believe anything I shared of my parents and claimed that my dad is the best and I am being unfair ( my parents are awesome on public not in private) . I don't want to repeat same experiences

Thank you all in advance

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[CANDC]

I am aware how difficult it can be to share thoughts about parents with a partner. That is one of the reason I post here on Psych Central. It gives me a place to process emotions that will not trigger my partner. It frees our relationship of processing emotions we cannot seem to process. Overall it is easier to be in a relationship where your partner is not also your therapist. Some people may disagree, but my relationship has improved without the stress and expectation of a need to process things that it cannot really handle. Yeah for simplicity.

[divine1966]

I am not sure I agree. My whole life I attract people who aren't available emotionally as I am not myself either. I always appear put together as my entire family. We never want people to think otherwise. This is probably the first time I am not afraid to be myself. It is scary but .it is the only right way for me. I am not afraid to share with him I am just afraid he'll look at my parents differently in a long run

How do others go about it?

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[avlady]

i used to worry what people would think of me because of my family. i am married 20 years now and have a better relationship with my parents than when i was first married. we all have the skeletons in our closets, some shouldn't be opened, i think myself.

[healingme4me]

Maybe be honest with him about worrying that he may disagree with you and in doing so you fear it could tarnish his opinion on your truth?

[divine1966]

Thank you guys. I think I am not explaining myself well. I am not afraid he will not believe I know he will. I am scared he will dislike my parents after I share. I'll give you an example. My bf's dad wAs violent alcoholic who beat my bf up.

Bf eventually ended up in abusive marriage and abusive relationships ( as women abusing him including physically abusive). I am the first woman who isn't abusive in any shape or form. He is confident professionally but is a very insecure in other aspects. That's why. When he told me he was physically abused by his father I thought to myself it's good the guy is dead long ago because my blood was boiling. I would hate that dude

My parents aren't neArly as bad but there are a lot of painful things that also made be insecure with men. My bf might very much dislike my dad upon hearing my experiences. That's what I worry about.

My relationship with my folks is good, so that's not an issue. He will have to be around my parents if we stay together

My skeletons must come out of the closet unless I want yet another superficial relationship. No more

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[Angelique67]

You can share, but make it clear you forgave your parents (if you did). If you can forgive them, so can your boyfriend.

[~Christina]

I would tell him as Healing4me a heads up that he might be angry about what you have goine through... but the reality is your not living with them now, You decide when and how much time you spend with them( I think you mentioned this before that you have good boundaries)

I remarried 10 years ago.. My husband has a rough idea of my home life and all that but I didnt hack up truck loads of details. Im not the same person I was back when certian things happened. I worked through alot of things and I need not to bring them out front and center again, It won't help me nor him.

If you feel the need to share a lot make sure you give him a heads up so if/when hes meets dear Mom and Dad he wont want to slug them

[healingme4me]

One worry about this that struck me, is fear of black/white thinking, perhaps? My exh had a way of demonizing anything that he heard about my childhood. Oddly, he's come to terms about my father, my father's personality, etc. Sees him for who he is. He's actually been decently supporting if I need to just make that call and without getting into details, he knows what to say. My exh with his mi, it would be natural to black/white the situation. Anger management, may have played a role in his way of relating.

[divine1966]

Thank you guys. I have a lot of fears. I worked on resisting attractions to men who are like my dad. This is the first man in my life who isn't like my dad. To all honesty if this isn't it I need to be probably done. lol I have fears of it not working and fears of it working. I am constantly paranoid about missing red flags or going too fast or going too slow ( we didn't have sex yet as I am paranoid about getting involved and missing red flags and he is ok waiting)

The thing is we are both insecure in relationships. We are supportive of each other insecurities. But I understand where his come from because he shared. I didn't share about childhood and my parents marriage and how it effected me. He kind of thought I was abused by men but that's not really it.

I told him I have hard time sharing about childhood because my parents are around while his is gone and he says he won't pry.

Thank you guys you made me think more. I have t appointment on Thursday and will be talking



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