My life.. A wreck.. idk what to do anymore

I don't know where to start… I married young. Probably a stupid choice. I was married at 20 to the guy i was with in high school(who was even a **** in high school, so just shows u how stupid i really am). The sad thing is i was never purposed to. He apparently wasn't legally here and one day he told me and said that he would be able to be if he was married. Thats how we decided we would get married. It was supposed to be the "fake" wedding tho and we would eventually have a real one and i would get a REAL purposal(that never happened). He was so controlling. I gave up ALL my friends. If i was ever nice to a guy he would get mad. He has been abusive mentally and physically. He has cheated multiple times. I should of letf a long time ago. But like i said… Im not that bright apparently. I found out recently that he is a drug addict. Norcos. Xanax. He did stop hitting me and he tried to stop calling names and putting me down. But god i hate him. but i still love him at the same time and i feel CRAZY!! i constantly fight with myself in my head. He has ****ed me up so bad mentally. I used to be strong. I used to have tons of friends. I used to not be akward around people. I hate what i see when i look in the mirror. Ive given up so many things for this ****ED UP relationship and then i find out he's been on drugs?! almost $800 a month out the window….. and we don't have much money to begin with. I still couldn't leave tho. Pathetic? Yes. I couldn't leave him when he really wanted to change. I couldn't leave him to deal with it alone. (Side note: my sister was a drug addict and i wasn't there for her and always regretted it) So i stayed to be with him threw it. He did good for a bit. But of course relapsed a few times. Ive turned into this crazy ***** who is just crazy. and i hate it. I don't feel happy anymore. i haven't for years. I wish i could be other people and i used to never do that. Recently he has been doing ok(to my knowledge) he got a job and has been doing better. But then me and my sister found out that my parents have lost the house and that we will have to be taking care f then a lot sooner then later. and with our income thats kinda impossible. He isn't ok with that. he dosnt want to take care of them. He hate my dad(for cheating on my mom and loosing the house) and he talks **** on him so we fight constantly about it. I am extremely close with my dad, So when he dose this i can't really handle it. I wish i was further in my life. I always expected better of myself. I wish i could take care of everyone with out it being a problem. But thats not my life and i hate it….

Wounded- I really would suggest some sort of therapy. Not all therapy cost money. You can go to a church pastor for guidance or you can possibly go to seek therapy through free services in your area. To me you seem to have lost your self worth. It doesn't sound like a healthy relationship at all. You are not living for yourself, you are living for him and only you can stop the cycle you have been in for what sounds like a long time.

It will be the hardest thing you have ever done but, once you learn how to care about yourself and once you realize there is a better brighter life out there for yourself you will start to get stronger.

I suggest that you start to sock away every little bit of money you can. I don't care if it is only change. Change makes dollars. I know if sounds small but, when you have the strength to leave you at least want the means to leave. I only say, leave because I have a hard time thinking that anyone in this situation would find any reason to stay.

Get help
Save money
Every change you get look in the mirror and say something positive about yourself (you deserve more than what you are getting)
Do one small thing for yourself each day, no matter how small
Start reaching out to your friends again. If they were true friends they will not questions you, they will just be there for you. Even if to listen.
Help your parents- They are the only reason you are on this earth.
Love yourself
If he gets abusive again (pushing or verbally) leave.
You can't helm him or your parents if you can't help yourself.

There's a lot of negative self talk in your post.

You're not the first person to find themselves involved with someone with addiction struggles. It's rather common to have something or someone from one's past that affects future. Couldn't save sister, now determined to do better and be there to save your husband.

It's not shameful to seek counseling. It'll help you feel a lot less chaotic in life. Words get said when others use/misuse/abuse that unless grounded, will wound worse than anything. It's not just the non sober moments, it's as the substance clears out of the system, that fine moment between being sober and being straight. Never mind what other physical and psychological effects that the substance drudges up.
There's a saying, I'll only leave, when I can no longer stay. Sort through this stress and then decide on a clear conscience. Have a safety plan if it gets physical. Don't believe that the next person couldn't bring their own garbage. Learn you, then life will be ok.