[MikeNessMonster]

Hi all. Ive been with my boyfriend for over two years and have recently started having intimacy issues (sexual and emotional). I believe our issue first started when my self esteem dropped - I have gained a few pounds and am also battling a chronic health condition that causes fatigue etc. My boyfriend has also gained weight, and has not been taking care of himself like he used to. We are used to being very sexually active and cherish this time together as great emotional bonding time. At first, I needed to stop having sex because my health condition was causing me a lot of pain in my pelvic area, which of course left me unable to have sex despite wishing I could. My boyfriend knew that I was in a lot of pain, and even though he said nothing about it he became very emotionally distant and would often pout at night and not even be interested in cuddling me. After about week of my pain we had a fight about how I "wasnt interested" in him and that it was my problem he didnt want to be emotionally close to me. This clearly wasnt the case as I was in pain but really needed his comfort and love. He ended up storming off to sleep on the couch and left me to cry myself to sleep. He apolpgized in the morning, but he has been emotionally distant since. He finally told me days later that he understood that I was in pain and that it was okay.if we couldnt have sex.

At that point he went from pouting that he was not getting sex to acting as if he didnt have a libido at all. A couple days later my pain diminished and I wanted to be intimate, more so for the.emotional connection - but my boyfriend acted uninterested and fell asleep. The next day he told me he was all for it. Fast forward to tonight.. I tried to initiate intimacy like I would normally - deep eye contact, kissing, etc and he simply had no interest. I told him to help get me.going as if he would normally and he acted as if he had no idea that I (or any woman) needs to feel wanted and loved and in the present with their partner. He just laid there.on his back with his eyes closed. I tried to initiate again by kissing him... when I kissed him he didnt even move his lips. I felt like I was.kissing a corpse. Worst of all I felt no emotion from him whatsoever. Sexy, right?

Anyway, this turned into a huge screaming fight. He told me it was all my problem that we couldnt be intimate and flat out refused to believe that he was.contributing to my lack of feelings of intimacy in any way by refusing to act intimate and emotional with me. Everything I had to say he would get angry at and throw back in my face and tell me it was i who was doing it. At one point I was trying to explain to him how i felt and he.just laid there on his back with his eyes closed. This made me panic because ive seen this behavior in ending relationships. I asked him if he did even want to be close to me and he responded with "no I dont, get the f*k out of my (our) room!"

We sort of made up and talked a bit after but nothing feels resolved. I feel less sexy and more ashamed than ever.. i miss our connection so much and all I can.think of is that he is falling out of love with me. I dont understand, i havent changed at all and my sexual needs are the same as theyve always been. The only different thing is my chronic pain and i feel even more alone and ashamed about it. What is this all about and what can i do!?

[Trippin2.0]

Ugh, this is all about your bf being immature and spiteful, looks like he's playing tit for tat while throwing his toys out of his cot.


I assume he's older than 15? Since you mentioned living together, but its honestly realllly hard to imagine.


"You can't be intimate, I won't be intimate, but just so you know I will blame you all the way.."


Blech!


That's not only immature but pretty vindictive too, are you sure you want to spend the rest of your life with someone who's going to play these spiteful games whenever he doesn't get his way?


More importantly, are you willing to stay with someone who chooses to play these spiteful games over offering you emotional support in your time of need?


He clearly put his selfish pouting lack of sex WAY above your need for support during a painful time.

And when you were well enough to have sex, he decided to punish you, by rejecting your advances.


Ask yourself is this the type of person you want to be with long term....


Because its definitely not the type of man I would want to be with.

I need someone who can be there for me when times get tough, instead of a baby who throws a tantrum and demands attention instead.


Lucky for me though, I already have that man.


Me thinks you have some long term thinking to do.

[avlady]

trippin 2 is right!!!

[Rose76]

It definitely does sound as if nothing is resolved. What matters a lot, I think, is if your problem causing you pain is a transient issue that you can expect to have completely resolved at some point in the near future, or is due to a chronic problem that you will have to manage over an extended period of time. If it is the latter, then the problem sounds much more serious. In either case, it sounds like your boyfriend has selfish streak. If your problem is long term, he may feel like he is never going to feel secure that you are sexually available to him, since on any given day, you might or might not be dealing with pain.

It might be helpful for you and your boyfriend to go together to meet with your doctor. Your boyfriend may be wondering if this condition can really be causing you enough pain to make enjoyable sex impossible for you. It would be best, if he could just take your word for it. But he doesn't sound like he does.

This must be very hurtful for you. After 2 years, you'ld hope for more understanding. You mentioned that the problem started over loss of self-esteem connected to weight gain. How that ties in with a pain issue sounds confusing to me, and your boyfriend may be genuinely confused, too.

[MikeNessMonster]

Originally Posted by Rose76

It definitely does sound as if nothing is resolved. What matters a lot, I think, is if your problem causing you pain is a transient issue that you can expect to have completely resolved at some point in the near future, or is due to a chronic problem that you will have to manage over an extended period of time. If it is the latter, then the problem sounds much more serious. In either case, it sounds like your boyfriend has selfish streak. If your problem is long term, he may feel like he is never going to feel secure that you are sexually available to him, since on any given day, you might or might not be dealing with pain.

It might be helpful for you and your boyfriend to go together to meet with your doctor. Your boyfriend may be wondering if this condition can really be causing you enough pain to make enjoyable sex impossible for you. It would be best, if he could just take your word for it. But he doesn't sound like he does.

This must be very hurtful for you. After 2 years, you'ld hope for more understanding. You mentioned that the problem started over loss of self-esteem connected to weight gain. How that ties in with a pain issue sounds confusing to me, and your boyfriend may be genuinely confused, too.

Its callee chronic fatigue syndrome... it causes a wide range of symptoms. The pelvic issue is interstitial cystitis which during a flare up causes severe urinaru burning. He knows about all of this extensively and has been very supportive when he is in his right state of mind. I was laying with a heating pad on my privates and crying on the toilet from the pain of urination, youd think he would get that it wasnt okay to have sex but apparently he is taking it personally.

[MikeNessMonster]

Originally Posted by Trippin2.0

Ugh, this is all about your bf being immature and spiteful, looks like he's playing tit for tat while throwing his toys out of his cot.


I assume he's older than 15? Since you mentioned living together, but its honestly realllly hard to imagine.


"You can't be intimate, I won't be intimate, but just so you know I will blame you all the way.."


Blech!


That's not only immature but pretty vindictive too, are you sure you want to spend the rest of your life with someone who's going to play these spiteful games whenever he doesn't get his way?


More importantly, are you willing to stay with someone who chooses to play these spiteful games over offering you emotional support in your time of need?


He clearly put his selfish pouting lack of sex WAY above your need for support during a painful time.

And when you were well enough to have sex, he decided to punish you, by rejecting your advances.


Ask yourself is this the type of person you want to be with long term....


Because its definitely not the type of man I would want to be with.

I need someone who can be there for me when times get tough, instead of a baby who throws a tantrum and demands attention instead.


Lucky for me though, I already have that man.


Me thinks you have some long term thinking to do.

He has always been extremely loving and supportive in the past but he has changed lately. I feel like its all about his self esteem since hes seen how much pain ive been in lately.

Update though.... i finally fell asleep last night hoping that he would be apologetic and empathetic in the am like he normally is after a fight. He woke me up and we snuggled sort of awkwardly, and then he just goes "mm **** me." Ive been up all night crying and feel emotionally unsupported so of course I have no desire. Then after a bit I was spooning him and he farts loudly against my privates!!! I said thata disgusting and his answer is "yeah thats how ive been feeling about it lately". I let it go and then a bit later he is getting up to go to work and i did the same as i was alone in the bed (sorry tmi) and he got mad and goes "sexy. Have a nice day" and walks away. I started crying of course and pursued him into the kitchen to ask him why he was treating me so awfully. He went into a rage, called me lazy, selfish, brought up our money situation and put me down.. i just took time off.school to deal with my health condition which is very hard for me and he told me i was lazy and selfish and.just sat around the.house all day... he pretty much picked my biggest insecurity and capitolized on it. he told me again he waa doing nothing wrong and it was my fault and how HE didnt.deserve to be treated badly and stormed off. He came back for a minute to psuedo apolpgize and told me to "cheer up.because I cant do this".

You need to understand he has never been like this. Its like hes another person who doesnt love me at all. I am so lonely and sad now i was having thoughts of self harm. Even if he returns to normal how am I supposed to forget about this? Ive never felt so distant from him.

[Trippin2.0]

When someone shows you who they are, best you believe them hun.


It took years for my ex to show me his ugly side,and boy was it a monstrosity.


Everyone puts their best foot forward in the beginning of a relationship, its natural, normal to want to be desirable and make sure you come across that way.


With that being said though, there are SOME people, who take this to another level. They put their best foot forward, display all the characteristics they know their partner wants, and then when they are comfortable and secure enough within the relationship and don't think their partner is going anywhere, their lovely supportive masks come off and they reveal themselves.


Your bf's 180 seems to suggest that he's showing you his true colors. Because if he was simply having issues contributing to this "new" behavior, I'm DEAD sure he'd at least display some genuine remorse for his cruel behavior.


I'm so sorry you feel so bad, I wish there was something I could say to make you feel better.


All I've got is "Look after yourself, know that you deserve so much better. You're worthy of love, respect, loyalty, and YOU are important, don't sell yourself short. Demand better"

[Bill3]

has been very supportive when he is in his right state of mind

It isn't much of a life, though, to be waiting and hoping for that "right frame of mind" to show up again, and being verbally abused and treated with coldness and indifference in the mean time.

Even if he returns to normal how am I supposed to forget about this?

Very good question.

I'm very sorry this is happening, but on the other hand it is useful to see this side of him. How will he treat you for example if you were to become pregnant and therefore perhaps less available for sex during pregnancy and after delivery and when kids are requiring a lot of your and his attention and energy?

[MikeNessMonster]

Originally Posted by Bill3

It isn't much of a life, though, to be waiting and hoping for that "right frame of mind" to show up again, and being verbally abused and treated with coldness and indifference in the mean time.

Very good question.

I'm very sorry this is happening, but on the other hand it is useful to see this side of him. How will he treat you for example if you were to become pregnant and therefore perhaps less available for sex during pregnancy and after delivery and when kids are requiring a lot of your and his attention and energy?

I think the worst part of all of this is him calling me lazy and selfish for taking time off to deal with my sickness. He knows this is a big insecurity for me and thats exactly why he chose to call me those things. I am actually neither but hearing your loved one say that to you when youre weak, you sort of start to believe it. He doesnt even get how low it was of him to say that to me. I cant imagine ever telling a sick person i loved that they were just lazy and selfish, its beyond me.

[Rose76]

I think it's the chronicity of your health problems that is stressing the both of you out. Get the very best medical help you can find to help you manage these conditions.

You mentioned at the top of your first post that this loss of intimacy seems to have started with your loss of self-esteem and you and your boyfriend gaining weight. What role do you think the weight gain, on both your parts, has played?

Is not having the demands of school reducing your chronic fatigue and pelvic pain, or allowing you to better manage these problems? Your boyfriend may be concerned that you will be continually unable to participate in a spectrum of activities. He may worry that you will be unable to eventually sustain employment, leaving him alone in managing the household finances.

As I was saying in my post above, with chronic problems, it can seem especially stressful. He may feel overwhelmed by you having problems that he sees as having no end in sight. This is why I recommend getting the best medical care. You are going to have to convince your boyfriend that these conditions are managable and that flare-ups are time limited. If he sees that life can be normal, in between flare-ups, then he may be able to adapt to you having these conditions.

You need a supportive, understanding partner. Not everyone can deal with having a chronically ill significant other. Consider carefully his ability to do that before the make the commitment of marriage to this man.

[jaymoq]

MikeNessMonster, I am sorry this is happening to you! It definitely sounds like you've gone in to this downward spiral and can't get a handle on how to fix it. I can only imagine how trying this is for you. You seem to indicate you are seeing a physician for your chronic illness, but are you also seeing a psychologist? Is your boyfriend? I would highly suggest seeing if he is open to couples counseling. Sometimes, we don't know how to move forward and so we take it out on the other person. I have found intimacy can be a really big blow to either partner's self-esteem and relationship, as unfortunate as that can be. Relationships are give and take. I totally understand there is no way you can be intimate when you are in such pain. But, losing that affection can really throw a wrench in things. I think counseling for you two might be a last ditch effort to get things on track. It sounds like maybe the romance has gone out of the relationship. Try to get it back! If you want it. If you feel that he has done and said things that are childish (which he has) and that it is not worth it, then you need to address that as well.

But above all, I think seeking professional help for YOURSELF first and then your relationship second is really a great start. There are lots of resources out there, even if you don't have the money or insurance coverage.

Hang in there!