[marriedtoasa]

My wife confessed to me that she is struggling with sex addiction. She tells me that she hasn't acted on it yet and is struggling because she didn't want to hurt me. But at the same time, she feels like she has an itch she can't scratch. We've talked about it several times and we just don't seem to get anywhere. I feellike we're in limbo. Neither one of us want to get a divorce but this has caused tension in our marriage. What do I do as her partner? She also wants to do this sexually with me that I'm just not comfortable with.. But I love her, what do I do?

[bluekoi]

marriedtoasa,

Hello and welcome to Psych Central!

You might also like to post this in our Sexual Addictions Forum.

bluekoi

[marriedtoasa]

Thanks for the tip!

Originally Posted by bluekoi

marriedtoasa,

bluekoi

[Sesiley]

Talk freely about your needs and hers. Sex addiction usually has to do with sleeping with other partners.

I have schitzoaffective disorder and I've had hypersexuality....she sounds like it's what she has! It really does suck....she needs to buy some really good toys to help her...like the Hitachi want and the rabbit....that's what I had to do...I have cheated bc of this...you just stay in the mood constantly..

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[marriedtoasa]

Thanks for the reply. We have talked about her needs, it just seems to go no where. She's torn.. I'm torn. Its like, do I say "just do it already!" and pretend that I'm not c essentially giving her permission to cheat on me. Which in the back of my mind, is really what it is. Lets just say, she does do it.. Does it ever end? She's struggled with this in previous relationships, but back then, she really didn't care for them. Toys, at this point, won't do much. She's already told me she's found someone that she can act out her need on. I just don't know what to do. Support her and go against what I believe in? We've been together for 8 years and I'm and this hasn't become a problem before, so I'm not sure how so should react.

[iwonderaboutstuff]

Good point on toys may help. As to her wanting to do things you're not comfortable with... maybe try something less outside your comfort zone? Who knows, you might like it; and if not, fine don't do it again, but me thinks the effort may lessen the tension.

[Sesiley]

Yes try it. What exactly is she wanting to do? It's ok to share. Maybe we can help better

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[sukothefox]

Are you guys serious? He is saying that he feels torn. He doesn't feel happy about what his girlfriend does, yet you guys tell him to get out of his comfort zone.
Buddy, my advice is this: I know it's been a while since you began a relationship with her, but are you sure you want this? Do you see yourself as being happy later on? If your answers are negative, then consider breaking this tie. If your sexuality and hers aren't compatible, and the compromise is too much for you, don't force yourself to stay in that relationship. It'll cause more stress and frustration.
I find it endearing how everyone tells guys to accept their girlfriends' sexual desires and get out of the comfort zone. But if the OP was a female, I bet everyone would be advising her what I am advising this good sir right now.

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by sukothefox

Are you guys serious? He is saying that he feels torn. He doesn't feel happy about what his girlfriend does, yet you guys tell him to get out of his comfort zone.
Buddy, my advice is this: I know it's been a while since you began a relationship with her, but are you sure you want this? Do you see yourself as being happy later on? If your answers are negative, then consider breaking this tie. If your sexuality and hers aren't compatible, and the compromise is too much for you, don't force yourself to stay in that relationship. It'll cause more stress and frustration.
I find it endearing how everyone tells guys to accept their girlfriends' sexual desires and get out of the comfort zone. But if the OP was a female, I bet everyone would be advising her what I am advising this good sir right now.

They are married so cutting the ties isn't as easy.

I agree though with you about people's reaction. But I don't think it is different for gender.

While back female
Was posting about wanting this or that ( she wanted s&m and he didn't). and people were saying her husband stuck in a mud and has to meet her needs. Yeah. Really

honestly I wonder if cheaters just like to use sex addiction as excuse for cheating.

I also don't understand how people marry not knowing each other. Things like this don't just come up from
Nowhere

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[sukothefox]

Originally Posted by divine1966

They are married so cutting the ties isn't as easy.

I agree though with you about people's reaction. But I don't think it is different for gender.

While back female
Was posting about wanting this or that ( she wanted s&m and he didn't). and people were saying her husband stuck in a mud and has to meet her needs. Yeah. Really

honestly I wonder if cheaters just like to use sex addiction as excuse for cheating.

I also don't understand how people marry not knowing each other. Things like this don't just come up from
Nowhere

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Exactly. I don't get it either.
People exasperate me. I remember I mentioned that I am into plushophilia on the sex forum, and my girlfriend couldn-t accept it. Everyone was telling me that I should try to control it. I bet that if it was a girl saying she was into plushophilia and her boyfriend or husband isn't into it, they would tell her her husband or bf is closed-minded, stuck in the mud and mean.
Nobody should be changing their desires or sexual preferences (as long as these aren't illegal or nonconsensual). But people shouldn't put up with it if they don't feel comfortable with it either.
If I had a girlfriend who was into enemas, I would say "no" to her, and "**** you" to those who call me closed-minded. The same goes for those who tell me to change my sexuality to meet someone else's needs. "No", and "**** you".

[Sesiley]

Originally Posted by sukothefox

Are you guys serious? He is saying that he feels torn. He doesn't feel happy about what his girlfriend does, yet you guys tell him to get out of his comfort zone.
Buddy, my advice is this: I know it's been a while since you began a relationship with her, but are you sure you want this? Do you see yourself as being happy later on? If your answers are negative, then consider breaking this tie. If your sexuality and hers aren't compatible, and the compromise is too much for you, don't force yourself to stay in that relationship. It'll cause more stress and frustration.
I find it endearing how everyone tells guys to accept their girlfriends' sexual desires and get out of the comfort zone. But if the OP was a female, I bet everyone would be advising her what I am advising this good sir right now.

If you love someone, this is the last resort to consider. If you read his thread, he says he want to stay with here and all we are doing is giving pointers to keep her.

she has hypersexuality. I do in a manic episode of bipolar and it really sucks. She can also try meds...I say she should buy toys if she really cares about him and wants to stay. Plus counseling.

In the end if it doesn't work and she cheats bc of it...cut the tie

Originally Posted by divine1966

They are married so cutting the ties isn't as easy.

I agree though with you about people's reaction. But I don't think it is different for gender.

While back female
Was posting about wanting this or that ( she wanted s&m and he didn't). and people were saying her husband stuck in a mud and has to meet her needs. Yeah. Really

honestly I wonder if cheaters just like to use sex addiction as excuse for cheating.

I also don't understand how people marry not knowing each other. Things like this don't just come up from
Nowhere

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[Bill3]

Have you considered counseling?: individual counseling for her, individual counseling for you (for support in coping and in helping/supporting her), and perhaps couples counseling after a time?

[Nada w]

Originally Posted by marriedtoasa

My wife confessed to me that she is struggling with sex addiction. She tells me that she hasn't acted on it yet and is struggling because she didn't want to hurt me. But at the same time, she feels like she has an itch she can't scratch. We've talked about it several times and we just don't seem to get anywhere. I feellike we're in limbo. Neither one of us want to get a divorce but this has caused tension in our marriage. What do I do as her partner? She also wants to do this sexually with me that I'm just not comfortable with.. But I love her, what do I do?

Are the two of you having sex regularly? If you increase your drive will that suffice her or does she feel the need for other people? How would she feel about you having others? I would have to say don't agree to something that isn't right for you.

[eskielover]

I'm sorry but there is NO EXCUSE for cheating in a marriage whether it's for hypersexuality of any other reason. She just needs to deal with it within the marriage as best as she can.

Just because we feel a sexual desire for someone outside our marriage, it doesn't give us the right to commit adultery....it's just wrong. If it comes to something outside the marriage, they I say end it with divorce....it is her choice, but I would hope if she really cared for her marriage/You, that she wouldn't want to take her hypersexuality or anything else outside the marriage.....sounds like an excuse to me & she thinks that it will make you feel sorry for her & give her the OK to be commit adultery in your marriage.

[divine1966]

She already found someone to cheat on her husband with. Ouch. So she's been already looking. Yeah. Wouldn't work for me. If she can't control it she could always get divorced and then as a single person she can explore her sexuality further

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[Trippin2.0]

How is she suddenly a sex addict after spending a decade together?


Idk, sounds pretty convenient to me to be a sex addict after finding someone to commit adultery with.

[Sesiley]

Originally Posted by eskielover

I'm sorry but there is NO EXCUSE for cheating in a marriage whether it's for hypersexuality of any other reason. She just needs to deal with it within the marriage as best as she can.

Just because we feel a sexual desire for someone outside our marriage, it doesn't give us the right to commit adultery....it's just wrong. If it comes to something outside the marriage, they I say end it with divorce....it is her choice, but I would hope if she really cared for her marriage/You, that she wouldn't want to take her hypersexuality or anything else outside the marriage.....sounds like an excuse to me & she thinks that it will make you feel sorry for her & give her the OK to be commit adultery in your marriage.

Bipolar mani c or psychosis ....hypersexuality, dangerous situations like engaging in sexual activities thay will hurt the marriage....impulsive behavior...

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[Sesiley]

Originally Posted by divine1966

She already found someone to cheat on her husband with. Ouch. So she's been already looking. Yeah. Wouldn't work for me. If she can't control it she could always get divorced and then as a single person she can explore her sexuality further

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I agree

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[Sesiley]

Time for a seperation!!!! It will help.

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[Shaly78]

This is kind of vague, but you feel she is an addict so I will assume that there is behavior that is causing you to provide sex more than necessary? Has she been a sleep around honey to others? Too much toys not enough you loving? In a marriage sex is definitely between the wife and husband for those who want it too much or not enough then make sure there is nothing there like being a survivor of sexual abuse or anything else. I mean who is the say that too much is too much or too little is too little. How in therapy is someone going to tell you if you ain't getting 3 times a with your depraved! I'm not sure what my stance on this is. I read that there is not such thing a sex addict, but obviously if you had wrote she is cheating with others or via toys/porn and taking away from you then I totally understand. Make sure you not no abusive husband cause her to take her needs else where and feel unsafe with you. That is my personal story....

[Walking Man]

I don't have any advice as far as how you relate within your relationship, except that it shouldn't be so uncomfortable to either of you. Regarding affairs I will say that you can't nurture, strengthen, or maintain a relationship by breaking it. If you tell her it's ok to have an affair, you are telling her it's ok to break the marriage up. If she insists on cheating she is choosing promiscuous sex over marriage. If you tell her it's ok to do that, you are telling her the marriage isn't imoportant to you either. I'm sure that you can love, support, and help her through this in other ways. I hope you can work this out.

I have had some struggles with compulsive P and M. It's terrible. For me it's an effort to get the affection I've never had, and a bad coping mechanism for dealing with depression.

[divine1966]

I normally want a lot of sex when other aspects of relationship or overall my life aren't good. When I am content with my life and relationship I am ok with less sex. Is she happy otherwise? I suspect not

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Originally Posted by sukothefox

Are you guys serious? He is saying that he feels torn. He doesn't feel happy about what his girlfriend does, yet you guys tell him to get out of his comfort zone.
Buddy, my advice is this: I know it's been a while since you began a relationship with her, but are you sure you want this? Do you see yourself as being happy later on? If your answers are negative, then consider breaking this tie. If your sexuality and hers aren't compatible, and the compromise is too much for you, don't force yourself to stay in that relationship. It'll cause more stress and frustration.
I find it endearing how everyone tells guys to accept their girlfriends' sexual desires and get out of the comfort zone. But if the OP was a female, I bet everyone would be advising her what I am advising this good sir right now.

I agree. Relationships require compromise but not sacrifice. If you don't feel comfortable doing something sexual, then don't. If you do, you'll lose yourself (I speak from experience). If that means losing her the so be it. Seek counseling with her and go from there.