Partner with depression, really need some advice

Hi everybody, I'm new here and really need some sound advice. So my boyfriend and I both suffer from depression/anxiety. We've been together about 1 1/2 years, but we've been friends for much longer. We're in our early 20s. I've been in therapy on and off for about 5 years and have learned some great coping skills, and at this point I feel that I manage my depression and anxiety very well. I still have my really bad days, but they are few and far between. Two months ago my boyfriend's depression recently got really, really bad. We both handle our depression very differently, which is to say he doesn't really handle his at all. He completely withdraws. Ignores me, avoids me, doesn't even want to be around me. It's never been this bad before. We're both pretty independent people, we have our own lives, etc. He always says he needs space, and most of the time he doesn't feel much affection for me, so needless to say we barley even hug or kiss anymore. He tells me he loves me but in a very obligatory way. I give him space whenever he asks for it because I do not want to smother him or make him uncomfortable in any way. I know that he's going through a very tough time, but I can't help feeling so lonely and rejected, which I feel horribly guilty about. He's extremely pessimistic about everything; we used to talk about future plans, our passions, everything. We were the best of friends. Now it seems like he is completely uninterested in everything I have to say; I feel like he dismisses or straight up ignores anything I try to talk to him about. It hurts, but I feel selfish for even admitting that because I know that he isn't doing it to hurt me, he can't help how he feels. I just want him to be happy but I think I'm only making this worse for him. We used to be so, so happy together. We've talked about him getting help for this, maybe seeing a therapist, and he finally said he would try. He went to one session so far and keeps saying it isn't going to help, that it's useless. I understand this hopelessness because I have been there many times. However, I've worked so hard to develop/maintain a positive attitude and any time I say anything optimistic, particularly in regards to my own life, he kind of invalidates it with his negativity. And anytime he actually feels affectionate, it feels like it's only about his needs; it feels selfish and it is really hurting my feelings. I don't know what to do. I don't know if anything I'm feeling is valid, or if I'm just being selfish thinking about how this is affecting me instead of thinking of him. I haven't brought it up to him for that reason. I don't know if I have a legitimate reason to be upset.

Thank you for any help offered.

Hi Vicky. Welcome to Psych Central. So sorry for what you endured and experienced in your relationship. No one should have to go through it. But it sounds like you are trying to deal with it. But it is hard without a therapist, psych doc and guide. Is your friend just refusing all professional assistance? If so that makes the caregiver's, which it seems you are becoming, job nearly unmanageable. It seems like Psych Central might help you fulfill some of your contact with caring people. Working with a person in depression that is resisting treatment and not cooperating in a relationship is a heavy load to carry.

You sound like you are assuming full responsibility. That is a difficult posture to sustain in the long run without much professional assistance. The ways that friends have found is to lower their expectations of what they will get from the relationship, and take care of their own needs first giving the other person what is available after their own needs are met emotionally and intellectually through other resources.

Many people find the forums and the articles helpful. Here are some forums.
Survivors of Abuse - Forums at Psych Central

Many people who are actively involved in Psych Central find it helps take them out of their own problems to develop empathy for others. And their problems though still there are more manageable.

There are lots of compassionate people here that can make the load lighter by sharing and caring. Feel free to participate actively at Psych Central. Some people find the forums give them the compassion and empathy they seek. http://forums.psychcentral.com

Please feel free to private message me or any of the Community Liaisons by left clicking on the name in blue to the left of their post) for questions or just to share.

Your needs are going unmet. Your feelings are valid. If he were hitting the bottle heavy and ignoring his side of the commitment to the relationship, would you still feel selfish for feeling this way?

He sounds like a bad partner. I don't care if he is depressed or what else he has. You are unhappy and life is too short for that

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Thank you everyone for your advice, I really appreciate it.
CANDC- I've been trying really hard to not become the main caregiver, but it's such an easy role to fall into, especially since my past relationships have pretty much followed the same pattern. I'm a very insecure person when it comes to relationships; I don't think very highly of myself and that's only magnified when someone else's expectations are involved (I'm working on that). The problem is that I don't know when to say enough is enough, I don't trust myself.

Healingme4me and divine1966- you both make very good points. I'm conflicted, because whereas I've had so much therapy and have had so much time to grow and learn to manage my depression, my boyfriend is only beginning to get help. His second therapy session is today, actually. We do have our good moments, though they are rare lately--where I feel like he still cares for me--but two second later he is back to being cold and distant. It leaves my head spinning.