[Buttja]

This is a brief outline of my current situation. My partner and I have been together for 17 years almost. Basically, he is a loving, caring, generous man. However, if anything I do or say upsets him, he just shuts down and leaves. I am now going through the fourth time this has happened and don't want to go through this rejection again, it's so soul destroying. He heard me saying to a freind that I didn't like the car he had bought me. It was true, I said it in a positive way before to him. I thanked him for it but said I found it a bit to powerful for me and was wary of driving it, but said I would try. He said he understood and would keep it for himself and get me another, which I said he didn't need to. He also heard me telling this freind that we no longer have sex as he is unable to get an erection because of statins he takes for high cholesterol. Next thing I get a text saying he heard what I said and that it was over between us. Rather than discuss things, he just closes down for a while while I am left suffering. When he does eventually respond, he's very cold and comes up with other reasons why he left, that we haven't been getting on, things aren't right etc., which is bizarre, because apart from not having sex, we are very happy with each other. It's been three months since he left. The longest has been four. Then, about a month ago, he asked me to pop round to his office. When I got there, he surprised me with a lovely little min convertible that I'd always wanted. He looked dreadful, hair outgrown, unshaven and tired. I voiced my concerns, but he wouldn't listen. I messaged hi me (he won't answer his phone) to say I loved him and that I know he loves me, can't we just sort this, he said '"so there is no confusion in your mind, I won't be coming back". I am now left with paying the rent and bills, he did support me for the first couple of months, but has stopped. I know he had a difficult childhood, he was never allowed to speak up for himself or answe back and I fear there was mor abide, either mentally or physically that went on, but he won't tell me. What do you think of this situation?

[Elio]

Ok, going out on a limb here and hope I don't come off as too judgmental - have you apologized to him about revealing his medical issues and acknowledged the breaking of trust and confidence? ED is a very personal and private thing for most guys and can be tied to how they see themselves as a man. If he already had some issues with not being self confident in feeling like a man, losing his ability to perform may have made him feel very emasculated. And while you may have been looking for support from a friend and to vent some frustrations, he may have seen it as being criticize, teased, and belittled.

Yes, I see groveling as well as requesting that you see marriage support or whatever he feels he needs to help rebuild that trust. And perhaps inquiring more about his needs that are not getting met, why won't he be coming back? Beyond this one instance, what else is he battling within himself?

Again, I hope you do not see this as being overly judgmental as I am sure there is much more to the story than your brief outline.

[Skeezyks]

Hello Buttja: Since this is your first post here on PC... welcome to PsychCentral… from the Skeezyks! I hope you find the time you spend here to be of benefit.

Yes, revealing your partner's ED problem was a bit of, shall we say, too much information? Beyond that, I recall reading in our local newspaper recently (in one of those advice columns) where the writer talked about how she considers "the silent treatment" to be emotional violence. And, from what you wrote, you've been receiving a giant-sized portion of the silent treatment extending out for months at a time. So from that perspective, if the silent treatment is emotional violence, then you've received more than your share... sadly.

I used to know a guy who was fond of saying: "If you want to know which way the bullet is going, look down the barrel of the gun." If you re-read what you've written here, you will see what you more than likely have to look forward to if, in some way, you manage to patch this relationship back together again. Yes, it may be likely that your (ex?) partner experienced some things growing up that contributed to the way he handles himself today. But those are his issues to resolve. You cannot save him from himself. And if for whatever reason he will not do what he needs to do in order to heal, all you can do is to decide if this is a relationship that is worth your time attempting to save, if that's even possible. Only you know the answer to that question.

[JadeAmethyst]

It's sad, yes it is, both of you are partners, and sometimes, hoping turns to letting go.
Wishing you wellness and care.

Jade

[kecanoe]

Getting the cold shoulder stinks. Does he have AvPD? From what you wrote, it doesn't sound like it but of course I am making a huge assumption based on very little information.