Dealing with a toxic sibling relationship

Sorry - very long post!

Recently my mum has been very ill. She's in hospital at the moment and so that means more contact with my family (which is essentially 2 people, my mum and my brother). I don't have a partner or any kids so at 41, I've pretty much gotten used to coping with my own situation on my own and despite bad days, get along ok.

Anyway, my peace of mind has been shattered by this (I know it shouldn't be about me as I'm not the one who's ill but but right now, at 4am after a night of broken sleep, it kind of is).

My brother has used the situation to verbally abuse my mum - when she was sick and at home he would harass her on the phone, make threats of abandoning her one minute and then be nice the next coming round and helping out while she was at home, then disappearing for weeks. He's in a helping out phase at the moment but part of me thinks he's more worried about taking care of the house she lives in than her. He puts on a front and visits her in hospital, talks to her neighbours nicely etc.

He has some childhood issues (and I should know because I do too and my parents were both far from perfect). But he's using the time she's at her weakest to start addressing them in a brutal way and I find that pretty repulsive. He's also doing what he always does and manipulating me (or trying to) through her.

Anyway, I'm angry that I keep getting dragged into this. I haven't shirked any responsibilities, I've helped out a lot, been to the house while my mum's been in hospital, mowed the lawn etc. I don't have a car at the moment but even once accompanied my mum to a hospital appointment by taxi because my brother refused to give her a clear answer of whether he could take her or not - he has a car and yet doesn't work so has all the time in the world. I don't and work full time - go figure! (he knows I don't have a car yet said he'd only take her if I couldn't - so we went in a taxi to try to save an argument and partly out of pride I guess - I hate asking for anything from him as there are ALWAYS comebacks later).

I just can't get over the way I feel about my brother. The way he's using this situation to get at me and my mum because we're both easy targets now. He has a family but I never see them. recently when he was calling the house repeatedly and trying to intimidate my mum, I called his partner to try and talk things through and he answered her phone. Cue a short conversation about how that seems like a messed up thing to do and controlling etc. Followed by him launching into a character assassination of me - saying I'm "not a man" as I don't have kids, and never will because I'm never going to meet anyone because I'm such an odd person etc (strangely these are my own inner thoughts sometimes, it's like he's preying on my own fears and using them against me). All nasty stuff. All stuff I can deal with usually but at the moment, I'm in his line of fire and can't get away. How do I cope with this and keep my sanity and not get angry?

Latest episode that almost stopped me working yesterday as got me so anxious was a pre-arranged visit to my mum's house where I was going over to check and he's there - as if he's waiting for me - gives me the silent treatment and then walks out and drives away. it was as if he knew his presence would unsettle me (it did!). It's almost starting to feel like being stalked. He has form for sending me abusive and harassing texts in the past and thankfully those have stopped (after I threatened him with the police as a last resort) but this is new. At the moment I just want to keep away from him and if my mum wasn't ill I could do that, but right now, it's inevitable I'm going to bump into him again - always just him, never him and his family - and the thought of it is making me feel sick.

I've written about this before and now it's got to the stage where it's more about how I protect myself than the rights or wrongs of the situation. I just want to live my life without feeling as if I'm being manipulated into situations I find extremely draining and damaging to my mental health. I know that's my right. It's just putting it into action while keeping the anger at bay that's the problem.

Oh and talking it through with him is a no no for now at least. The last time I talked to him he started baiting me by telling me to "get back on my medication" - he discovered I'd taken anti depressants in the past and now uses this against me when he's angry as if it's something I should be ashamed of. And at the end of the last call I had with him, he triggered a traumatic early childhood memory and then hung up the phone while I was responding to him. And that's not the only time he's done things like that, there are other examples but these latest ones are pretty bad even by his standards.

Oh, Harmacy, what an ugly brother! Were I you I would do a couple things; see if I could find myself a counsellor so I would have someone to think on and know was in my court and I'd stop arranging much with your brother; not let him know when you will be visiting your mother or helping at the house and I would pick odd days/hours to check on the house, etc. If he comes while you are there, I would be the one to leave without speaking, etc., if he tries to start something just say something like, "I have nothing to say to you" and leave.

If I were still very upset, these sorts of tactics weren't working, I would try to make it a game to upset him in a way that was amusing to you. I would start agreeing with the disagreeable things he says :-) and not let them affect you. "Get back on your medicine" would be responded to with a cheeky smile and "Thanks for the suggestion!" and then you leave (or go about doing whatever you came to do, if he wants to follow you around the yard while you mow, he's the one who would look ridiculous?). If he's "waiting" for you, again, the bright smile and "Brother, dear, how good to see you!" as if you are in a play for the neighbors? When he sees he cannot rattle you he probably will stop. Talk to your mother's nurses/caretakers and let them know he appears to be upsetting your mother and can they catch him at it and take him down or not let him talk to her on the phone as much (say she's sleeping or something)?

Thanks for the reply Perna. Funnily enough, I've tried exactly some of the things you've suggested, with mixed results.

There's just no dealing with him rationally though. It's like everything he does is designed to dominate, confuse and undermine - so sometimes in the middle of discussing something he'll hang up the phone or say stuff like - "none of that made any sense - you're mad" after I've spoken to him calmly about how I'm feeling. The other extreme is I react with anger and then of course, I'm mad again and he says he's told his partner about me and she thinks it's disgusting etc. So then I say ok, just leave me alone, don't contact me at all and then he complains about that - There' no winning really, which is the point of his behaviour I think - it's all a childish game to him but one he rigs in his favour - One cricket analogy I use a lot lately when discussing him is that "he's not playing with a straight bat". So to continue the analogy, I'm going to stop bowling and leave the pitch

Anyway, I'll find a way - I think the sarcasm suggestion is a good one. Sarcasm is a way of hiding genuine emotion and distancing my "raw" emotions from being exposed (something I think he thrives on) so in a way it's a perfect balance between being too sincere and getting angry. I'll give it a go and see if it calms things. Eventually he'll give up if he realises he's not getting an emotional reaction.

As for counselling, work have a free service so I may make the most of it if I need to. Feeling calmer today so hopefully I can let this blow over or start dealing with things differently from now on.

How are things going with you? How's your mom feeling? I hope your brother is behaving better. Do you think this has anything to do with her estate if she passes away?

Thinking of you.

Thanks for your reply rainyday - I was away from the site for a while and only started posted again in recent weeks - just spotted your reply when looking through my old posts...

Yes I think the estate was (is) definitely a big factor... my mum's doing a lot better now but since I posted here last, he made a phone call to my mum asking her to change over the deeds of the house into his name and when my mum said she didn't want to discuss it - he swore at her and abruptly ended the call. He's phoned her once or twice since but never offered to help out.

Things aren't going to be mended with my family anytime soon, especially now it seems there are underlying financial issues - but for now, it's all stable. So I'm grateful for that.

It's helped get some perspective on things reading back what I posted a year ago... I'm so glad things have moved on from there - I was in a vulnerable position then, as was my mum, and he seized on that. At least I'm more prepared now if anything similar happens in future.

Well obviously you and your brother don't see eye to eye about the situation growing up.

I must tell you that it has been I who has been the one to call out my mother. Oh I did my best to be civil as the end drew near. To this day, however, I still voice my negative opinion. In my case I have my reasons. It took another crisis but my brother and I came to a peace of sorts that lasts to this day.

What I risk asking is could their be reason?

........

The relationship between me and my brother, or whatever relationship I once thought existed, has collapsed since the death of our parents (and yet, incredibly, he still demands that I go through the motions of 'being an uncle' to his two young children, as the sole representative of his side of the family, while his wife still has both her parents and two brothers). Whatever, but I know that all that you have described must have been deeply painful for you. My survival strategy has been to expect and receive nothing from him, and to avoid contact that would hurt or trigger me. I don't know if this is practically possible or reasonable in your situation, but I think I know what you're going through and I know how much it hurts.